topic How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition? in Supporting family and friends

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 08:45:16 GMT

Hello,

My partner has GAD.

I wake up and go to sleep listening to his worries. If I disagree with his memory of something, I am wrong and he gets angry and leaves the room saying he can't cope and telling me that I am wrong though I won't admit it. Maybe I am, but surely not all the time? For people that suffer from GAD what is the best thing I can do to not fire him and his anxieties up anymore than they are.

He refuses medications and psychological help, he will sometimes use CBT.

Your thoughts?

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Ace6913 — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 10:06:13 GMT

Hi Wednesday

alls I can suggest to help your partner out is just to validate his feelings and listen really I think that is all our partners can do for us I'm currently going through anxiety and mine is health anxiety so my husband has to listen to me constantly go on about new symptoms or what new disease I have weekly couldn't even I agine how frustrating it is for him and yes if he doesn't say the right thing I'm irritated straight away because I haven't heard what I want to hear . I'm doing cbt at the mo and it is great for me it's letting me gain some control back and I can see things alittle clearer now to be honest I don't think our partners can really ever say the right thing when where in the midst of anxiety but just let him know you can see his hurting right now and his not alone wich I'm sure your an a,axing support system for him I truly believe all partners friends or families that deal with these types of situations are Amazing 😄 he might really need to consider the extra help but only he can do that and I'm sure he will 😄

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 12:37:33 GMT

Hi Wednesday (fitting username for today 🙂 )

as I suffer from GAD, one thing my wife has learnt not to do is question what is causing it, because most of the time their isn't a cause, it just comes up randomly, she just now calms me down, I guess the other thing that drives me nuts is when people say "just don't worry about it" that makes it worse for me.... I'm sure your husband knows you're his support system but doesn't know how to say it! Refusing to take medication or see someone isn't an easy choice and I'm only just starting on the medication which has helped to be honest!

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 00:11:55 GMT

Hi Ace,

I understand what an awful disease it is so thank you for sharing.

I'm a good listener and I have been supporting him, he loves to talk for hours about whatever it is and it is everything and always to do with him. If he is not talking he turns into a black thunderous cloud and I feel like a target. What I have realised is that I am getting more anxious than I have ever been before. I do have some anxiety but not at his level and I can move on. He can't move on and will toss and turn all night worrying about something quite trivial.

We have talked about the different sorts of help available, but as you say only he can do it. He tells me he is sick of it and is desperate to get help, but nothing I can do can get him to a doctor.

I am exhausted and worried for my health.

Thanks again, I hope your journey with GAD gets easier for you.

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 00:34:24 GMT

Hi BballJ,

Haha.

I appreciate you writing. I may have over done the supportive, I'm here for you, we can do this together role. I would never say anything "just don't worry about it". So if your wife doesn't question the cause, do you get even grumpier? My partner can go for days in a mood. We have gone through stages where he has decided not to share and it's as bad as sharing.

I'm delighted the meds show signs of working. I wish could ask what hey are so I could look them up, but I'm not sure that is allowed on the forum. Can you tell me what the drug group is?

Thanks.

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 01:14:48 GMT

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry that it's been hard for you and I appreciate you writing in.

You mentioned that your partner refuses medication and psychological help but sometimes uses CBT. CBT is a form of psychological help. How did he learn those skills? How do you know that he uses CBT - is this a conscious practice?

Having a partner with anxiety can sometimes feel like a lose-lose situation. Often people can feel very caught up in their mindset and cannot be convinced otherwise. It sounds as though your partner has quite a fixed mindset as he's called you wrong and walked out - rather than trying to understand your perspective.

I'm wondering if it might be helpful to ask what he needs from you? I know having dealt with anxiety for many years it's incredibly exhausting not being able to let little things go, but the need to talk about it and the need to manage or work through it can be two different things. Perhaps your partner might just need to vent - or perhaps he does need to help strategise and challenge his thoughts.

I also think it might be helpful to encourage your partner to find an outlet to express his anxiety; sometimes people find it helpful to journal and write things down, others may want to talk to someone on the phone, or even just record their voice on a tape - for the pure release of letting it go. Do you know what his reluctance to go to a therapist is? Sometimes that might be worth addressing too. There are also online courses in anxiety that are helpful but less intimidating then visiting a therapist. If you would like to know more go to - https://mindspot.org.au/

I'm also thinking that it might be helpful for you to try and record or keep track of the conversations (not necessarily in writing). Try to notice what 'triggers' the anxiety. Is it always at a certain time? Do certain things make it better or worse? What makes you 'wrong'? Helping to identify this can help make it easier as your partner may not necessarily be aware of it.

It's also okay to set boundaries for yourself if you need to - i.e. "I am listening and I do want to talk more but right now I need to get some sleep so we can talk tomorrow instead". Being on the other side of someone with constant anxiety can be at times very draining so it's okay to allow yourself lots of time for self-care and me time.

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 23:52:41 GMT

Hello Romatic

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

My partner (P) has had various counselling in the past but not found it all that helpful, hence his knowledge of CBT. P is quite fixed in his thinking, but every now and then can for a period change his mind. Though he will often revert to his original thought.

He hates and procrastinates over having discussion about any issues we have. He is always needing “to calm down” from just normal day to day activities, e.g. going shopping, going into work for a few hours, talking to a colleague on the phone. We are both quite introverted so it’s not like I push him to be bolder.

He does understand his anxiety, but I wonder whether it is so comfortable for him that he doesn’t want to be any different?

He likes me to be a sounding board, he will go over the same conversation again and again. He has enormous trouble making decisions and he does like to vent. I try not to buy in too much and ask question about the problem with him but encourage him to decide. I don’t like feeling like a parent to him.

Thanks for the online course link I’ll give it a try. He seems very resistant to trying anything new. To date I have found counsellors and information for him but to no avail. Being the extreme introvert he is I thought a journal would be useful but it wasn’t. Calling someone on the phone is new and I can try but given he screens all calls and procrastinates for a long time before making a call.

Any time we sit down together and at other times he will come and find me we debrief his day, no triggers just waking up is a trigger. I am wrong whenever it comes to family issues or something he feel’s that he is failing at. He will get angry if we are trying to fix something (more a strength of mine than his) and it doesn’t work, is doesn’t take advice either. So I am wrong for him being embarrassed I guess? I’ve leant to be very careful how I say things. Oh this is feeling like such a bad pattern!

I’ll try to set more boundaries. In the past if he can’t get it out he gets moody, which is almost harder to deal with.

Thank you Romatic for your fabulous advice it’s much appreciated. He is nice man and highly intelligent sorry if I have made him sound dreadful. I think the anxiety just overwhelms him.

Wednesday

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 13:22:34 GMT

My sincere apologies Wednesday, I totally didn't see your response to me.

Firstly I hope in the last couple of weeks, your husband has been in a better space. In response to your question if I get grumpy if she doesn't ask, a lot of the time she doesn't notice, that is due the fact I hide it so well, have done for years, she notices every know and then as I am usually in a great mood, always joking around and smiling, yet when my GAD creeps up and gets me, my moods changes so she can notice, but I've unfortunately gotten very good at putting a smile one so as not to bring other people down into bad moods. I am learning this really isn't healthy and am working through it.

We aren't allowed to discuss specific medication on the forum, I'm not sure how you find out what group it is apart of but, I just know it is a anti-depressant.

How's your husband doing anyway?

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 01:52:43 GMT

Hi Jay,

Thanks for replying, it's much appreciated.

Unfortunately he is no good at hiding how he feels. I've introduced him to the website and talked about meds. But he is not interested and you know the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

It's not been an easy time e.g I just spent time in hospital with a serious super bug infection and asthma. My first night home and his anxiety about Christmas came out. I said I couldn't cope with the discussion then (I was /am still quite ill) and could I just have a hug. No hug, it ended up in a fight he can say some mean things in these times too and ended with me trying to make peace, smooth the waters and listening after all. He freezes and withdraws affection.

He is a nice man and in his heart means well, he just doesn't seem to be able to control his anxiety, or is that want to control his anxiety? He says he's to old to change. He also finds it almost impossible to make a decision, so everything has to be super analysed.

Good on you for understanding your impact on your loved ones, you should be very proud of yourself with the initiatives you have taken. Of course having to put on a facade would be absolutely exhausting and not great for you. Good luck with the work you are doing on that front. I hope the meds have made your life a lot easier.

Ava

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

romantic_thi3f — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 05:49:54 GMT

Hi Ava (Wednesday)

Thanks for continuing to
post on the forums and I'm so glad that my earlier response was helpful 🙂

I'm sorry that you are
still struggling with this and that your partner is still reluctant to get
help. I do hope though that you're feeling a little better after going to
hospital. I wonder whether or not it might be useful to see a therapist to
get another opinion on this and see if they can have any strategies on how best
to engage/respond? It sounds like some of the situations you are in are a
lose-lose, and I can see that you are very careful in how you say things in not
wanting to upset him or aggravate the situation.

You mentioned too whether
or not maybe your partner was just too comfortable with it. I do think
that there is a certain comfort in anxiety. It's certainly not pleasant
and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but as anxiety is "all we know" it's
hard to imagine anything else. I know for me personally it was easier for
a while to continue in this cycle then to step outside of my comfort zone and
get help. You did say though that he said he was "sick of it and
desperate to get help". How does he want to get help if he's
unwilling to try anything?

Perhaps there might be
alternative solutions that he would be more open to; certainly psychologists
and Doctors can be helpful (especially if he's picked up some CBT along the
way), but there are also other non-traditional ways. People have found a
lot of relief in alternative medicine such as naturopathy, yoga or mindfulness.
I often find that it's best to build on what you know and are comfortable
with; so if he naturally listens to music - try relaxing music, if he naturally
likes books - maybe a self-help book, if he goes for walks - try walking in the
park and noticing the birds/sounds more.

I also wonder whether it
would help if you both talked about his anxiety and how it is holding him back.
Why is he 'sick of it'? How does he feel when he's anxious?
What does it prevent him to do? What could his life be like if it
weren't so weighed down by anxiety? and then looking at all that in a
broader picture, is there really a lot to lose from just one appointment with a
GP?

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 13:29:45 GMT

Hi Ave,

Hope you had a nice day.

Hope you're firstly feeling better from the infection and asthma (I suffer asthma during hayfever season so I know the feeling)..... it's a very difficult situation with your husband as he know's he has anxiety from what I understand but he seems like a proud man and like a lot of men, we don't like to admit there is something wrong.... it took me many years to admit there was something wrong mentally with me so I understand what he may be going through. Like I said, I taught myself to hide my feelings and smile through everything (There is a Michael Jackson song calls Smile which is close to my heart and that played a little role in that).Has your husband ever gone to see a GP and start the process of a mental health plan? It's a very difficult situation you are both in and one hopefully you'll both be able to work through together, he sounds like a good person and it just unfortunately under the anxiety cloud.

To be honest regarding myself, this forum has helped me immensely more than the meds, taking to people like yourself and the many other people on here, I actually look forward to it, trying to offer any advice or help I possibly can and just talking to people in general, helps me so much in my dealing with anxiety. It is strange how but I'm happy I found these forums.

As always, my best for you and your husband 🙂

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 01:26:07 GMT

Hi Jay,

Yes the forums are a great help, just knowing you're are not alone and getting to know others a little is so very helpful.

I am so grateful for you and Romantics, support. I think I have put everything I know, you and Romantics advice and my research into getting the man into therapy of any kind. I even spoke to his new doctor ( a bit naughty I know but...). He hasn't mentioned anxiety to this doctor, but they do have his records from the old clinic, where he had some counselling.

Honestly at the moment I'm just to unwell to manage, bloody physical health issues. I'll see my doc again later today. But I am not going back to that hospital cell, umm I sound a bit stubborn too, hehe!

Smile is a beautiful song and smiling is one of my forever tricks too, I know it well. I think a lot of us do. This of course is totally off thread and indulgent of me. At work people always commented on my smile and positive nature a person that gets things done, brilliant facade, I used to call it facading. Sorry to anyone reading that is a good english person. Meantime I was sleeping from when I got home and all weekend, hardly coping at all. But I smiled! Maybe crying is okay sometimes too?

If a hug is okay, hugs to you and yours.

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 04:47:00 GMT

Hi Ava (My apologies, I misspelt your name on my above post)

I think you speaking to his doctor was a great idea, it gives the doctor a chance to see exactly what he has going on and can hopefully get him onto the right person to which will help him and yourself immensely in the long term. I totally understand it is hard to juggle mental health issues when there is physical health issue also going on, you're very right in getting your self better first regarding the physical health. I can't imagine how hard it would be dealing with what you have too and what your husband is going through. My wife had a hard time dealing with my issues cant imagine if she had her own also to worry about, it really does show your true strength.

I had a smile on my face when I read your little story about what people would say to you at work and that's because it is me to a T.... I always try to be the funny person wherever I go, I try and make everyone laugh and just focus on everyone having a good time... I push my issues to the side because as I said earlier, I don't want to bring people down. I like when people refer to me as the happy person who is always smiling and joking around because it makes me feel like I am doing something good for people but like you said it is a façade at times and when I am by myself... my anxiety will creep up, tap me on the shoulder and ask to come in and I for some reason always let it... which I think is similar to you going home and sleeping through the nights and weekends and I think crying is always ok and I am a 27 year old male... sometimes you need it although I will never let anyone see me cry. Not sure if that is a bad thing or not.

Are you feeling any better today?

Oh and hug is always okay, hugs back to you and yours as well 🙂

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 10:41:15 GMT

Hi Jay,

We are the great pretenders (grin)! I think it is a survival technique and useful, by the way I am not working at the moment due to health issues.

I do have depression issues, but take meds which work quite well. Today my doc gave me more antibiotics to go with the ones from the hospital and upped my cortisone and ventolin, with instructions to go back to the hospital if it got any worse in the next couple of days. It is a bit more complicated than that but incredibly boring!

So thanks for asking, as soon as all the meds kick in I'm sure I'll feel better.

Did you read Dr Kim's post about neural pathways and how they work. It was helpful realising how we set up our brains and how to and how long it takes to change patterns.

Here's a para I copied across., Dr Kim replied to Wakai senshi...

... but neurobiological research shows that “neutrons that fire together , wire together”. What that means is that the more you think and behave in a certain way, the more automatic that becomes for your brain. Your challenge is to change the “automatic response” from “I feel sick and anxious and this doesn’t help so I’m going to stay home" ( and picture the “terrorists “ in your brain celebrating the victory as they succeeded in getting you to think the way THEY wanted !!) I know this is hard , but I’m going to survive the temporary discomfort and do this” ( and picture your healthy brain celebrating its victory over the terrorists!!) ...

It's worth reading the whole post, you can get to it from the home page.

You are doing a great job managing your anxiety, let's go fight those terrorists! I now have little more to argue with my man.

Hugs, Ava

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 14:10:30 GMT

Hi Ava,

Yes pretenders is probably correct, but i guess at the same time, we care about others and don't want to see them down which i think is another reason why we do it.

Sounds like you are on a lot of different things, I am actually easing off my meds to be really honest with you, i have a weird thing about taking medication and feel it isn't helping my body just putting a band aid over the problem. Although when i am unwell which you are, they are required to build the immune system back up, hopefully you'll be back to full health shortly.

Thank you for pointing me to that post, very interesting take on it, but makes sense really. I just had an argument with my wife so i have anxiety currently, just got onto my computer to calm down. Fun after a week away for work but we always work through it.

Hopefully you have a good weekend and hopefully there are some happy, positive things to do.

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 23:25:09 GMT

Heck James,

I'm sorry about the argument, especially after a week away 😞 I hope this morning is a bit brighter. Can you let go of arguments or do they haunt you? I love your confidence that you will work through it.

I don't want to get into my health stuff on here just yet is it messy and has cost me my job and a lot of other things. I so understand your desire to reduce meds, just keep safe while you are doing it! I have some test coming up that are scary so I think I'll avoid for a while, grin.

I thought we had a plan and could go out for a while today, (I can't drive on my meds). P (my partner) isn't feeling well and has a lot of work to get through before a trip at the end of next week, so that may not happen after all. But you never know... and I have a book to read.

Ava (aka Darth Vader imitator)

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 00:07:43 GMT

Hi Ava,

Good morning 🙂

My character is built around trying to make people happy so i tend to get over things like petty arguments very quickly and I am the first to apologise a lot of the time.... which is a good and a bad thing because i take whatever it is about and put it into the back of mind with all my other worries which i think has caused me to build up over the years and reached a breaking point this year regarding very bad anxiety.

I understand you don't want to discuss your health, that's not a problem, that is 100% your business only, i am just hoping you can get back to full health down the track 🙂 Tests are always scary unfortunately, it know its tough but if the news is positive then that could alleviate some of your mental symptoms, just a thought.

Well hopefully you and your husband get to go out for a trip this weekend, but reading a book sounds like a perfect idea at the same time, nothing wrong with being around the house, being productive like reading, it's better than sleeping through the weekend.

You are definitely not Darth Vadar's imitator either..

As always, my best for you and your husband.

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 07:53:21 GMT

Hi Jay,

I have an awful vision of the back of your head bulging with way to many worries, it's so not fair. You're a lovely man, how on earth do you cope as in really cope on a daily basis? Can you write things down to get them out of your head? Ugh, it sounds just dreadful. I left a post on your thread, I hope that is okay.

We did get out which was just great,the weather was beautiful. I/we really needed to have some nice time together. P tried really hard to keep his GAD under control, so only a little slipped out.

I can't get the &*%$^ asthma under control, I think the woman in a queue in front of me earlier, thought I was some sort of stalker and shuffled uncomfortably. I do sound like a bad imitation of Darth Vader! Surely the ventolin etc should be working by now? I'm thinking of starting a new thread about my health stuff. Hopefully I wont need too, I'm not worried it's been an eventful life and I do bounce. My understanding is that I wont be ever getting back to full health. I accept that most days. I'll see what the outcome of the next couple of weeks is.

Lucky I have the forum to chat to people on and feel a little like I may be useful.

Warm thoughts, Ava

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

BballJ — Sat, 17 Sep 2016 15:20:14 GMT

Hi Ava,

This is what i was describing earlier, i have taught myself to deal with it, it isn't healthy but i distract myself... (My teachers in high school used to say i was easily distracted, maybe that helps hehe)... thank you for your care however, it means alot... I don't have a technique to deal with it but i am seeing a psycholgist and is helping me start to deal with all these things stuffed into the back of my head... it's not easy but i am working through it. Thank you for taking the time to find my thread as well, i will reply to your response on there 🙂

That's really great your husband and yourself went out, it was a really nice day and it's even better your husband made the effort to control his GAD as much as possible, i really do know how hard it can be at times so that is really positive. Hopefully you may get a chance to still read your book too. 🙂

I've had one instance in my life when ventolin didn't work... my anxiety attributed to it actually.. I had a panic attack that my ventolin wasn't working and i was short of breath, i went to the doctors and got prescribed a preventer, which made the world of difference, has you GP discussed that possible option with you? I do hope the outcome is a very positive one however for you but you seem to take the hits in your stride that life throws at you which is another great trait you have.

Kind regards as always.

Jay

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

Wednesday — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 00:00:06 GMT

Thanks Jay,

Your kind words made me tear up, in a nice way. Yep I've got the preventative stuff too.

P had a good day yesterday too, it made a world of difference. I cope mostly okay, it's just when I get to ill to help myself that it becomes a problem. Sadly I do look forward to him going away so I can have a break from the rolling anxiety.

Hugs, DV