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Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 07:31:54 GMT

I am heartbroken as I watch my son, hard-working, faithful, adores his 2 kids, trying in vain to support his wife whose depression and at times anxiety is destroying their family. She withholds any physical affection from him - no hug goodbye when he goes to work - no cheerful conversation or interest in how he maybe feeling etc. their house is devoid of love and he has given up trying - only to be rejected each time. This set in 5 years ago after the son's birth and was put down to post natal depression. She went on ADs but said they made her worse....she went off them eventually which was a terrible time and now hesitant to take anything.

I have tried all I can think of - books, tapes, relaxation CDs, recommended BB and explained how it works, boosted her morale, been her friend, and I have given up!

She complains that they need a bigger house, that she hates their home - but my son can't as they only have one income. He feels less of a man as he can't financially provide all she wishes for, big house, holidays, (the kids go to a private school which she insists on) when he explains he has trouble affording the fees, she accuses him of "threatening" and pressuring her to get a job. She planned to go back to work when the younger child was at school. It's now September and she has made no real effort at all - she is too depressed.

the house is a terrible mess, she stays in her pyjamas and always "sick". It is awful for my son to come home to each day, the 8 year old girl told me her Mum said they were getting a divorce "they don't get along, they fight" She said when they fight in front of her she gets upset.

My heart breaks to think of the sweet child carrying that around with her every day at school - that her parents will get a divorce and Daddy will leave! I am furious with my daughter in law for giving her children this burden. Where I tried to be compassionate, I now am getting impatient and feel like shaking her asking "What do you WANT?" WHAT will make you happy???

My son is trapped in a loveless marriage with a depressed wife he can no longer help. He can't leave to find his own peace of mind because of the kids whom he would never abandon. If he could no longer see them it would destroy him as well.

It is affecting me badly as there seems nothing I can do. How do I get thru to my daughter in law that she is putting her family and children's future in jeopardy. How do I console and ease my son's pain? Please help.

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 07:47:44 GMT

Dear Moon,

Such a sad story and of course you can see both sides. I grieve for you, hugs.

You know that depression is a vicious disease. You love and adore your gorgeous son and grandbabies.

I don't know that you can do a lot given the circumstances you have outlined. But being there for the grandbabies is a great. Unconditional love from their grandma is very special and will help them feel secure for a lifetime.

It seems that your dil is so unwell and not able to take control of her condition and is even using it as a weapon. I know its traditional for the mum to have the children, but would your son consider leaving and taking the children with him. As a sole parent I know how hard that is. But children will grow better and healthier with consistency and love rather than private schools and an unhappy home. Not that I am saying dil is a bad mum, well it is hard to tell, but she does sound like she needs some serious help. Is she suicidal?

Do they have a family doctor that your son can talk to for ideas?

Moon please make sure you are looking after yourself, you cant help if your health goes down. So make sure you are prioritising you.

Hugs, xx

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Kathryne — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 11:04:07 GMT

Hi ,

and welcome .

its very hard to watch our loved ones , not living the life we envisioned for them, or they themselves want.

I agree with Wednesday that the children may be better off not living in that situation, however , that can be a giant step.

I understand your frustration with the situation. I suggest you be there for your grandchildren , maybe you could offer to collect them from school and have them for a few hours a couple of days a week giving them some semblance of normality. Your granddaughter appears to be suffering too maybe she could speak with a counselor to help her build resilience to the situation.

Its hard but try and maintain the friendship which will allow you to be in your son and grandchildren's lifes.

kathryne

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Lost_Girl — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 11:44:35 GMT

Dear Moon,

Is there any way you can get her in to see a psychologist? While she is reluctant to try different medication perhaps the psych may help her.

I'd look at encouraging your son to read up more about depression and see if he can get some support too.

Kind thoughts xx

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 01:37:24 GMT

Thank you all for your support. I need as much advice as possible I think.

Kathryne, yes of course I would pick the kids up etc more often....but unfortunately I am in another city.

I want to email my son recommendations and support etc at his work, but holding back for fear of inundating him and adding to his pressure while he is at least in peace and enjoying his work environment. I am torn between checking constantly to see if he's OK, smothering him - and holding back and giving him space.

I don't know what's best..........maybe some other young husband & father has gone through a similar situation?

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 22:20:50 GMT

I just spoke to her Mum who told me she'd gone to a GP today, got Anti ds which she begins tomorrow. Her Mum and I are able to talk freely about this..thank God...she told me my son had begun confiding the situation to her some months ago and he also told me recently he'd done this and that she'd been a big support. (the only reason he didn't confide all his pain and details to me is that he's very protective of me and knows I have struggled with my own anxiety and did not want to add to them).

I am glad his mother in law has been so understanding (considering it's her own daughter they're discussing) but she's a pretty cluey woman and has been just as worried and frustrated with her daughter as the rest of us. Both she and I appreciate that we get along and can, hopefully between us, offer support to both our respective children...How my D.i.L goes on the anti d, we will have to wait and see I guess. I hope they gave the "right one". she cannot afford to get any worse.

Do they actually work and make a depressed person "feel better"?. At least more able to cope with the reality of life and be productive? Is there a chance my son can be happy again at home? I guess no-one has an answer to that.....I am getting angry with my d.i.l. for putting herself and her own self-pity before her 2 kids!! Is this normal for family and loved ones to get mad at the person with depression?

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 02:23:53 GMT

Hi Moon,

What great news that your son's MIL is on side, she is probably very worried about her daughter.

Yes AD's do work, so fingers crossed that she picks up quickly. With the level of depression your dil has she is not thinking clearly or will even have the ability to think clearly. Her brain is playing tricks on her. I know it is really hard but take a breathe and give it a little more time. If she hasn't always been this way you might have your lovely dil back any day now.

However, I think it's pretty normal to feel resentful in your circumstances, we all want the best for our babies, even the grown up ones.

Don't forget to look after yourself.

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 23:11:19 GMT

thanks Wednesday....the thing I am a bit worried about re AD s is that you "have to try a few to find the right one" What happens while the person is "trying"? they can get worse before getting better I have learned! That's scary as my d.i.l. cant afford to get any worse.....I am afraid of what she will do while she and her GP look for "the right one". She won't know if she's on the right one or not will she? If she's not thinking clearly in the first place?

I had better write to Dr Kim and ask her all this. yes it is very hard to look after myself at this time..I worry constantly, all the time, 24/7 about my son and the kids. I feel very very low in spirits and want to cry all day! i know with the intelligent part of my brain, that it is not her fault and she probably dislikes herself too, for being like this...but I am getting so MAD...i want to shake her and remind her she has 2 little people totally dependent on her!

I don't want to talk to her any more, I don't like her any more......this makes me a horrible woman I suppose...but I am so low myself and hanging in there for my son and the kids.......

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 00:18:58 GMT

Dear Moon,

Of course you're not a horrible woman, just a frightened worried, concerned one. If you can hang in there for a bit longer this will change and you will be able to look back at it.

You know we all have our own journey to go through and we do it at our own pace. I really feel for you and your little interstate family. Please take heart that her mum is on the case and will be doing the mum thing, I presume she is physically closer to the family? The doctor will have a really good chance of getting the AD right first time so you all should see some changes quickly. Of course another option is that the doctor may decide to hospitalise her for a little while, to settle things down and do some more in-depth pysch work. Writing to Dr Kim is a great idea, it will be interesting to see what she has to say.

I get your absolute irritation at your dil. But my guess is she is hating herself right now and probably putting in every ounce of energy will power she has left to put one foot in front of another. I know that will be hard for you to see. At my worst I don't believe I have the right to breathe oxygen, it's pretty horrid. Have you read up on the BB site? Have a look under the Facts, Depression, it may help?

But to you my friend, is it time for you to go back to your doctor to have a checkup too? I have read that you relate more closely to anxiety than depression, but they intertwine and one can morph with the other. You now need to look after yourself... right now that is. Grandma being unwell and a worry is not the answer to your son's problem.

Time for a real time doctor's visit today, huh?

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 04:59:21 GMT

My son said he'd ring me this afternoon, so I am expecting a call. Have to play it by ear I guess which will be a bit tough, as he keeps all his emotion inside, especially if he is upset and very down. He does it for me that's why. because he can't bear to see me upset, or worse still for me to cry. Which I feel like doing. I don't know what he is going to say. I don't know what I am going to say either.

I wish he could leave the situation to save his own well being and find a bit of peace himself, but I know he would never leave his kids...like a vicious circle with no way out!! But there is Always a way out...isn't there?

If you saw any of the other threads I usually go on, you'll probably have noticed just yesterday I had something else to deal with (not great timing) with a computer scammer/hacker.....so my strength and ability not to fall apart completely have really been tested. I am pretty much on the brink though. Had to call BB phone help early this morning as I was getting paranoid about even opening the doors.....felt this terrible sense of doom and feeling unsafe.

Can't remember the last time I even bordered on feeling "happy, or relaxed".....you wouldn't know it to look at me though. my son and his wife (and kids ) seem to be like "rats in a trap".....No way out!

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 06:15:42 GMT

Moon dear one,

You sound so low and frightened. Please, please, please can you make an appointment with your doctor. you know we are all here for you, but this is too much for you to manage alone in the real world.

I hope your boy calls and there is some good news. We all have to do our journeys our own way your son will work out his priorities and you will be there to support what ever happens. Have you heard anything from dil's mum?

Hugs, xx

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 23:30:03 GMT

Hi Wednesday.....her Mum has rung me to say she has started meds...waiting to see if much improvement over next couple of weeks, not wanting put too much pressure on her yet...but seems willing to help when she is ready, e.g. cleaning and tidying up the house a bit...also she promises to keep me informed so i am not sitting here so far away imaging the worst (which I have been doing...over-thinking and worrying so much it has made me ill too).

Apparently my d.i.l. picked up a night of waitressing, just a one-time perhaps, but who knows....which she made it through despite being very frightened and lacking confidence. Not much money but the fact that she didn't run away, and made it to the end is a positive step isn't it?

Money is not the objective here but their financial situation is becoming quite bad with just one working. If she can get well enough to do little bits here and there, it may lead to something more regular and help her feel better about herself....I am taking it as a good sign forward anyway, what do you think?

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 00:55:16 GMT

Hello Moon,

This sounds like a very good news story to me. I think you're all on the journey back. I do feel sorry for your dil. The meds will and maybe even are, already helping. It would have been very hard for her to go to work feeling like rubbish, but she did it! That shows there is some of the old dil still in there fighting to get out.

Your relationship with her mum is gold and allows you to know what is going on with out dil feeling like she is being judged. You like the rest of us knows that mental health has an awful bag of tricks up its sleeve.

Dear Moon, do you think you can give dil the odd word of encouragement to let her know you are still on her side, or is that still to raw for you? I know it's hard but this is along term relationship that you want to be a part of for so many reasons especially those adorable grandchildren.

How are you coping now?

Hugs

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 22:10:14 GMT

Hi Wednesday...what I want to do, am itching to do is send "advice". Tell her in detail about what "attitude" to adopt...exercises from books I have found extremely helpful, tapes that I KNOW will help....in other words, "preach to her" about "what to do" to lift herself out of this slump and HELP her towards her goal and getting rid of those things that she imagines are "making" her depressed.........I have all this advice I want to bombard her with that has worked for me......but something tells me this is not the best way to go, just now.

I have tried casually putting things and suggestions out there for her from time to time in the past, but don't think she's put them to use. I want desperately to "fix" her. that would be over stepping the mark of "interfering" wouldn't it?

the last thing I want to do is make her feel worse, or more inadequate. I just want to help, "make her see" that she is thinking the wrong way! Should I pull my head in and shut up?

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Lost_Girl — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 02:25:07 GMT

Dear Moon,

Could you call her and talk to her and open up about how you have felt? Perhaps sharing some details of how you have felt will resonate with her and she may feel less alone or more willing to take advice. Just ask her if she would like your help and let her know you are there for her.

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 03:55:53 GMT

Oh Carol thank you for your support, and your caring - much appreciated. (including your response on my other thread - I do realise you have just come back and settling into routine after your break, sorry to load anything on you)

I am a bit hesitant about contacting her too much right now as I'm pretty low myself. Perhaps she needs to hear from someone in a better, stronger, happier place - I may do more harm than good. I am pretty sure she knows I am here...in the past I have sent her encouraging little snippets, affirmations, love and caring words, and done what I can to assure her she can ring and chat any time, day or night...

.it's not like me to get this low, I am wondering if I am sort of "feeding" into her depression, picking it up, projecting it onto myself in some weird way. Can this happen to people sometimes who can empathise with others I wonder? Perhaps some carers out there would know what I am talking about.

Her and my son's distress certainly triggered a major response in my own anxiety, which now is pretty clear has spiralled down into depression. I am pretty sure I will come out of it..but don't feel much use to her right at this minute and would hate to make things worse if she is depending on me to be "strong" as I have been in the past.

You take care too my dear friend....luv u x

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 05:20:37 GMT

Hello Moon,

I agree with you any advice from you may not be well received. What worked for you may not work for your dil, so maybe keep it to yourself at least for now.

She has started the process, which is terrific. I'd stick to the little positives she can grab hold of and feel good about e.g. when I spoke to (grandchild) they were so (funny, polite...) and I thought what a fabulous job you've done in raising such lovely children.

Simple, genuine from the heart stuff and if she lets you in a little tell her how you know its been hard for her and if she feels like a shoulder / chat your there for her. She is likely to be very fragile still so don't get offended what ever happens, her brain still needs to adjust to the meds etc.

Umm as to your depression, I know I'm beginning to sound like a broken record but.... have you checked in with your doctor? Your stress and despair over the last little while has been significant and you need to be looking after yourself too.

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Moonstruck — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 06:52:46 GMT

Wednesday thanks for your support - I've started another 6 free sessions with my psych/counsellor with whom I broke down completely last week - I have another appt this week - all they can really do is listen I guess, but she is understanding and encouraging - I told her I was on this forum and had also rang BB, and let my son and d.i.l. know about it, the contact websites, number etc. She said it was great that I was taking part on here and at least she is someone to talk to openly.

Ultimately as the psych said, I know that as adults my son and wife have to live their lives the way they see fit and work it out together......and all i can do is "be here" and let them know I am here whenever needed in whatever capacity.she gave me some of BB paperwork on depression, and also another contact organisation on how to explain to children in various age groups about what is happening to their parent, that Mum is not well etc.

Theres nothing much else any professional can do for me personally is there really? Except medication which as I've said on various threads....my GP won't prescribe as "you can get dependent on them".....Quite frankly I don't care if I get dependent on them or not...there I've said it!

If I go back to alcohol to self medicate, I run the risk of dying but the GP can't seem to fathom that!

I've stayed with the same one as she has seen me through all my medical near death scares over the past 10 years, knows my history, records, referrals and liaisons with specialists etc - the thought of starting from scratch with a totally different GP in order to have some anxiety/depression medication prescribed seems a daunting task - I would have no idea how to choose one and he/she may refuse any meds too......things will get better - you know that old saying "this too shall pass"........

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

Wednesday — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 07:06:15 GMT

Hello Moon,

So much progress in a short time, good work on getting and going to your psych sessions. She is of course right about letting our babies manage their own battles, but it doesn't stop us wanting to help or feeling for them. Hugs.

Sorry I'd temporarily forgotten about our GP conversations. I'm at a loss as to what to say. I don't understand your current GP's thinking, maybe she has good reasons? As you know I'd be talking to someone else, despite the background (oh yes I do get it, the long background bit). If you feel that you can't consult another doctor what if you asked for a referral to a psychiatrist instead who can diagnose and prescribe meds for you? Would that get you around the loyalty issue?

It seems to me (though I am not a medical person) that not helping you with some meds is a bit cavaliers on your doctors part. You're quite right to stay clear of the alcohol. BUT something is still not right. I'll be taking AD's forever and there are others like me so I fail to see the dependency issue? At least I'm still here. If need be you can wean off the meds anyway.

Terribly worried about my son whose wife's depression affecting family - feeling helpless.

YLTT — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 20:26:44 GMT

Hello Moon,

Your story resonates deeply with me. I am in the exact same situation as your son. My wife is day by day, becoming more and more crippled with depression and anxiety. This too has been going on for over 5 years. I am on the forum looking for help and came across your story. I don't have any answers for your dil, but one thing I have found, is that you cannot "fix" her. You could be only making your journey unhelpful by trying too hard to do that. I have been trying to fix my wife for years, and I am tired, stressed and ultimately...over it. My psych has helped me see that the only positive thing to do right now is to look after myself, and be a support to my wife. The ball really is in her court. As hard as that may be to accept, it is the truth.

There is hope, this I want you to know. Yes meds will work, and my hope is that the 1st ones work well for your dil's situation, maybe they wont, and its a case of try and try again. Either way, doing "something" is better than doing nothing at all.

Like others here will suggest, looking after you is your best option. You need to be at your best to be able to help the others in your family.

Keep talking, Ill be keen to see your outcomes, as this could help me too.

YLTT