topic Need Advice On Depressed Partner in Supporting family and friends

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 01:11:37 GMT

Hello fellow warriors.

I'm posting today cos' I need a little insight or advice to help me understand my depressed partners way of thinking. I'm confused and dealing with anxiety myself so I need a rough idea of why hes thinking the way he is.

He's 30 and I'm 27. We've been together for 8years.We live together and have no children...only our 4 furbabies.

There has been alot that has happened in the last two months and it has been an emotional rollarcoaster (and thats putting it lightly). He broke it off with me just over a week ago but a couple days ago told me he made a mistake, he misses me and wants to be with me. He said he felt it was his only option at the time. That is a brief summary of the D&M we had but anyway back on point.

I wanted breathing space for the both of us as we cant support each other in our current states and its impossible to give each other space in the same house especially when you're both constantly worrying about the other person. We are in separate rooms by the way. One mintue he understands our need for space then the next he says he cant afford to move it and if he does hes afraid he'll lose himself and wont come back because hes stubborn.

What I'm having trouble with is this. We've both made it clear we love each other, want the future life with each etc (We were just on the road to buying a house and starting a family) but is this identity fear a common thing with depression? I told him I'm not moving forward in our relationship unless we have couples counseling. Theres been too much hurt and damage. Hes getting help. I actually took him to ED the other night cos he cant control his suicidal thoughts anymore. I told him I'm very proud of him being brave and asking for help as alot of people would do otherwise.

So to sum up, are these thoughts of fearing identity loss common with depressed men in particular? I'd like to hear your thoughts as well if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks Guys.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Paul — Sun, 05 Jun 2016 22:07:51 GMT

Hi Pennywise, Welcome!

I'm glad you found us and thank you for sharing some of your pain - I know this can help sometimes, but at least it can start a process of discovery

The first thing that jumps into my mind about your post is the visit to the ED due to your partner not being able to control his suicidal thoughts anymore. Are either of you receiving treatment eg counselling, medication, psych visits?

Depression can close in on us like fog. It dulls or removes senses, short circuits emotions, makes thoughts all warpy and steals energy. These are some common things I hear from both males and females.

Your partner expressed that he would like to get back together and you've set some conditions - that's a really good step for you to protect yourself and I don't think it's unreasonable. I wonder if visiting a counsellor or Psychologist together might be a good step as well as it sounds like there might be some issues that are aggravating both of you - you said your anxiety was playing up and obviously your post is about your concern for your partner.

Ensure you look after yourself - I admire your strength in setting some conditions to protect yourself, that's so important. Please follow that up with a lot of self care, good nutrition, relaxation and talking about what's going on. Feel free to visit here as often as necessary and chat or yell or just tell us how things are.

There are some great resources on the site about caring for someone with depression. They are under the heading "Supporting Someone" at the top and bottom of the page.

My strongest advice would be to try and see a professional together.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon.

Paul

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 09:32:12 GMT

Hi Paul.

Thanks for responding. Its really hard not to get overwhelmed by what he does and says and i guess im finding it hard because it feels like our relationship is in limbo. We're still in separate rooms which im ok with but its confusing to know whats ok and whats not.

For example he gave me a hug the other night and tonight which was nice. I know right now he has an issue with being touched which i understand. I just said to him to come to he when hes ready if he wants to cuddle or whatever and that i wont push. I guess its hard for me cos i crave and miss his affection.

Yes, im seeing a psychologist to help me through and work on my anxiety. Since being at the Er the other night theres the local mental health service have been calling him every day and they are rescheduling a appointment for him at the hospital to see the psychologist. Ive seen a massive improvement in him. That being said there's no guarantee he wont get down again but hes sticking to his writing in his book for his thoughts and being positive.

He also has chronic lower back pain which hes on meds for but the psychiatric nurse who saw him at the hospital said the meds his dr has him on are heavy narcotics and no wonder his head is all over the place. He is so relieved. So they are going to look into his meds and also getting him referred to a back pain management specialist.

When i got home from work we talked a lil about our relationship but i think after 10mins he couldn't handle any more so he just said he's going to have alone time now. Thats ok. At least i got to tell him my feelings without either of us getting emotional.

But for now im positive. Who knows what will happen tomorrow but for tonight im smiling.

P.S. We will be going to couples counselling not just for relationship issues that need resolving but so we can be prepared next time his depression gets bad as i was not prepared.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Paul — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 18:50:51 GMT

Hi again Pennywise,

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad your looking after your health foremost but at the same time being gentle and patient with your partner. I know it's difficult, it can really tear away at your heart. I get the feeling that you've set up a lot of great mechanisms to protect you both emotionally.

Did you get a chance to read any of the material here on the Beyond Blue site? It might provide some ideas or prompt some questions to ask your couples counsellor when you visit.

Stay in touch and let us know how things a progressing Pennywise. Take care.

Paul

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

geoff — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 22:24:33 GMT

hi Pennywise, thanks Paul for a great response here, and it's good that the med's he's on for his back can distrupt his mood, which we never think of because all we think about is that they will just control his pain level, but this may not be the situation.
Every day is a different day, it could be similar to what happened yesterday or it could be completely the opposite, it's impossible to say and very unpredictable, and I suppose that's what is disappointing, but with anxiety and/or depression this happens.
It maybe a good idea for you to keep a diary of the day's activities for the both of you, so that when you need to see the psychologist or couples counsellor then you will be up to date.
There is a possibility that he maybe a little shy if he wants share the bed, because people can feel guilty for changing arrangements,but that would depend on what type of person he was before of this happened, and this can be linked back to the question you have asked 'about identity loss'.
To expand on this they may feel guilty because they may have have partly or fully rejected the person they once loved, or that you had to take him to the ED because of the way he was feeling.
By having a brief talk is good for the both of you and as a result of the couples counselling plus the help he is getting from the mental health service, but there will be days when he does want to alone, or days when he dosen't want to go to couples counselling, but try and encourage him to go with you. Geoff. x

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 14:18:14 GMT

Hey guys.

Im feeling a bit low today even though it was a relatively good day. Guess im just feeling a lil impatient, frustrated and disappointed.

My partner has dramatically improved since our visit to the ED. Hes writing down his thoughts etc and has eveb been sealing them in an envelope because hes worried they'll be read. A pretty smart idea i think. Hes also been talking to a few close friends. He has his good days and bad as expected.

But the thing that bothers me the most is our relationship cos it feels like its in limbo at the moment.

He doesn't want to be touched. Even though we've both expressed that we want to be with each other we're not intimate or physical in any way except the two hugs ive received in total.

I did explain to him that i understand and i won't push him. If he wants to try holding hands and then decides its too much that thats ok too. But i guess im tired of waiting. I feel like we're roommates cos we sleep in separate rooms at the moment.

Hes going up north for two weeks soon for a holiday to see his friends and family but now im worried cos i dont want him to leave without at least trying to be intimate.

Im tired of feeling disappointed. I hate this.

Has anyone else been through this?

To make matters worse ive now lost two support persons. Pretty much cos i didnt kick my partner out.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

geoff — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 19:38:06 GMT

hi Penny,I just wonder whether or not you have a dog, I'm only saying this because if you do then the dog may need a bath and would he wash the dog, if so then once he starts washing it then try and put your hands on the dog meaning to touch your partner's hands, just briefly to begin with, or is there something else that you could accidently touch him pretending to be by mistake, but actually not. Geoff. x

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 23:58:53 GMT

Hi again Geoff.

Thanks for replying.

To answer your question we dont have a dog only four cats.

He did sit on our bed with me last night to watch a movie but maybe i just have too high expectations. Hes the kind of person if you push too hard he'll push you away which is (in his mind) why he broke up with me and then a few days later changed his mind. He also told me this so im not assuming anything.

All i want to do is kiss him but im also scared of doing that cos i dont want to be rejected.

Im also a bit angry about his family forcing him to leave for two weeks for a holiday. When things get hard they always do it. The problem is i feel its not a long-term solution for his depression. Its an escape and doesnt allow him to address whats really going on underneath. From what hes told me he has alot of self esteem and self worth feelings he needs to deal with. Im angry because i feel they are only enabling his problems and i worry cos he cant just take off for a holiday when we have kids in the future and leave me to deal with everything.

No matter who i explain the situation to they don't seem to hear me. Im tired of being the supportive one when everything gets tough. All i get is "all you can do is support him and be there for him".

Is my situation unique or is this more common than i think?

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Paul — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 22:08:33 GMT

Hi Pennywise,

You're not alone in experiencing what you're going through. I've chatted with a few people and read a number of posts on here about the difficulties depression exerts on relationships, so I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad and angry.

It seems like you have very little control over your partner's responses at the moment. I can imagine that is a large source of the anger you're feeling, especially with the plans you have for the future.

Perhaps we can bring your thoughts only to the present for now. Shrink your outlook to the next week only and think in one week chunks only for now. Perhaps even less.

Your partner is heading off for a holiday for 2 weeks, despite his family being a possible source of difficulty, perhaps this time could be used to be a little selfish and treat yourself, nice baths, favourite foods, best friends. If you have a friend you trust you might confide in them or choose to stay in your own mind for a while and slow things right down. No future projection. Perhaps during this time you could see a counsellor or your GP for a referral to a psychologist to have a really good chat about your concerns.

There are some resources on the site that you may have already read about caring for a loved one with depression.

After your partner's holiday, you may discover some change for the better

So, treat yourself kind, bring back your future projection to no more than a week and establish a routine and some structure to keep things a bit "Normal"

Also, stay in touch here and let us know how things are going.

Paul

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 08:43:30 GMT

Hi everyone.

Well im back for some advice but im doing ok for now. My partner ended up going away for 5 weeks which gave both of us a bit of time to breathe and work through things on our own.

My friend told me that when he arrived, the first week his language was alot of "me's" and "I's" but the next week it changed to "we" and "our". After two weeks he asked me to fly up and go see him cos he misses me and wants to be with me. All in all a very overwhelming and emotional and awkward weekend it was. This was a big step for me as i genuinely felt that he wanted to spend time with me.

Now hes back home. We were intimate while we spent the weekend together but its different now hes home. Hes back to not wanting to be touched although he'll allow hand holding and kisses but i tried to cuddle with him before we went to sleep and i asked if it was ok but his reply was a shake of his head. I might add the first night he was back i came home from work and he chose to sleep in our bedroom rather than the loungeroom.

I need advice and whether anyone has had similar experiences where you or your partner is depressed and doesn't want to be touched. I guess im having a bit of trouble understanding how we could be intimate while we were away but now its not ok.

He seems to be doing alot better at managing everything but i fear we wont be able to work out our relationship problems if he doesn't try to let go of the past. I have and im much happier for it.

Thanks for the support

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Br1sbaneg1rl — Sun, 14 Aug 2016 06:50:30 GMT

Hi Pennywise,

I am new to the BB Forum and just wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

I am currently experiencing something similar to you within my relationship. I turn 30 this year and my partner has just turned 27.

I won't dwell on my story as I've posted about it if you wish to read about it.

My partner pushed me away and then held onto me and then ended things and within an hour or so told me he wanted us to give it another chance. He has not yet seemed any professional advice, however, I'm hopeful that we can visit a GP or councillor together when he returns from work in 3 weeks.

I know what a struggle it is to be in limbo, it's truly heartbreaking and my stomach is in knots the majority of the time.

What have you been up to this weekend?

Thinking of you,

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 02:11:28 GMT

Hi Br1sbaneg1rl.

Thanks so much for your reply and reading my story. Sorry to hear you're going through some heartache too.

I hope I can share some things I've learnt from my journey that will help you with yours or at least provide some comfort in knowing that you're not alone. I've found this site comforting by reading others' stories that are similar to mine but also finding that everyone's story is still their own.

I'm doing ok. I've managed to create a system that supports my wellbeing but also that of my partner while he finds his strength again. I have discovered a few things that makes a BIG differnece in surviving these journeys.

Firstly, you HAVE to be selfish and put yourself first or you will burnout. This took me a good two months before I was able to do this properly. And also its a skill learnt. This is where you need a support network separate of your significant other (SO) and i suggest a psychologist as well. I saw a psychologist for two months to help keep me on track with this. At first I couldn't understand how you could support someone without putting them first. I nearly had a breakdown myself cos' I got sucked into the depression along with my partner. You have to learn to separate the behaviours and reactions of your SO from the person you know they are. Believe me when I say depression will turn them into someone you dont recognise. I'm not trying to scare you in saying this at all cos I'm sure you've already seen some dramatic changes in your SO already.

They can become manipulative, controlling, abusive (verbally or emotionally), emotional or distant and downright scary. When you focus on yourself by giving yourself "me-time" and staying healthy it enables you to hold onto the person that you know is real, not this "black dog" that is using them as a puppet. I know it will feel personal but this is where learning the art of letting go comes into great practice. Remember YOU can only control YOU.

Secondly, eat and exercie (or at least get outside in the sun and fresh air). Get the blood pumping. I too lost weight because I was unwell and struggling. I lost 10kg in a short period because of an underlying anxiety which I didnt realise I had for years. If you find it hard to eat at first just try smaller meals but more substance. If you cant eat pasta try a colourful salad.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 02:12:17 GMT

Thirdly, research. I have read countless articles online as well as "Depression for dummies" and "Overcoming anxiety for dummies". These readings really help you understand part of what they're going through. Keep in mind though everyone has their own "cross" to bear and you will never truly understand what they're going through but this will help ease your mind/pain a little. Lastly, time. Be gentle on yourself and forgive. You are just one person and it takes a very strong willed and courageous person to continue through these dark times. I heard this countless times going through this journey with my partners depression. It will feel like you're waiting forever for the person you love to return which is why its so important to still live your life and to let go of guilt. BUT, you cannot help them until they take the first step. DO NOT try to interpret their behaviour cos you will drive yourself mad. Be ok with being alone. By that I mean enjoy doing things you love when you have time to yourself. I know you might feel your SO doesnt hear you when you say you're there for them but keep saying it all the time cos' they will feel it later on when they start climbing out of the dark.If you would like more advice PLEASE feel free to ask. These last few months I have learnt so many things about myself and I continue to learn. I practice mindfulness and meditation every day. They are a vast number of free apps for meditation out there and I encourage you to try everything until you find something that works for you.The only certainty in life is impermanence. Everything is always changing.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Thu, 01 Sep 2016 04:21:55 GMT

Morning all. Need some information from people who suffer from depression.

I checked in with my partner today asking how he was going...head wise, he replied with its still the same and that hes just better at hiding it and that itll take a few months.

My question is this, do u actually get better or do u just get better at hiding it?

Im not naive to think that it goes away but im looking for insight. Is this the best i can hope for?

Thanks

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

blondguy — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 00:26:40 GMT

Hi Penny

You are well versed where depression is concerned. I had acute anxiety since 1983 and then the depression kicked in in 1996. Currently on low dose anti-dep and occasional benzo (just fyi)

I think we do 'improve' so the highs and lows arent as extreme. Just for me it was weekly therapy for months and reading books from Dr Claire Weekes (be gentle to yourself and calm & true acceptance of the illness)

Just my 2 cents....I think that 'hiding it' is sweeping it under the rug. Exposing the illness actually renders it less powerful....with calm & true acceptance of course 🙂

If his method works though then thats good too

Interesting question Penny

My kind thoughts

Paul

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 03:28:56 GMT

Thanks for your reply Paul.

I guess i was a lil surprised by hos response cos he seems to be doing so much better but maybe hes just a good actor. That being said his extremes arent there anymore but after being told he still has no feeling i guesd i was a lil hurt and taken a back. Maybe i shouldn't worry with the fact that he was saying i love you and now isnt. Its especially confusing when hes still making plans about kids and buying a house together. He said it'll take a few months.

After almost 5 months i guess my patience is wearing a little thin.

Hes stubborn and believes he should be able to overcome this himself which is why it took so long for him to accept help from his friends and me in the first place.

He told me to not push him to say it which is a problem for me only cos when he broke up with me in the midst of his depression he said he wasnt in love with me anymore so Its hard to forget something like that.

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 07:12:27 GMT

Anyone else care to weigh in?

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

Pennywise — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 19:24:42 GMT

Ok so my partner and i are going to try couples counselling starting thursday.

I've never been. Has anyone on here ever been and have you got any advice? What happens during these sessions?

Thank you

Need Advice On Depressed Partner

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 00:19:25 GMT

Hi Pennywise,

Just wanted to say hi and write in. I can see that you've had so many great responses here already. I can also see that despite the difficulties you've had you've stayed incredibly supportive, caring and patient.

You asked a question before about if people actually do get better of if they just get better at hiding it. I think the answer lies within the question. What does "hiding it" look like for him? Does it mean that he is saying he is okay when he's not? Does it mean that he's denying the right to feel sad/angry? 'Hiding' can mean different things for different people but ultimately, in order to manage the depression people need to implement different strategies. Hiding is not usually one of them.

You mentioned the ED was going to arrange for a psychologist. Has he been seeing one?

As for touch/intimacy, I think there's a delicate balance in finding and learning how much our partners are comfortable in sharing with us. With my own experience, it was about finding a 'middle ground'. Maybe for you this might look like this - "touch is really important to me. I know that you're not comfortable with giving hugs right now but sometimes when I don't get hugs I don't feel appreciated. Can we hold hands for a little bit?" This way you can help let him know why this is important to you. Perhaps there might be something else that he can feel okay with such as a massage or sitting next to each other on the couch, or even just putting a hand on his leg. I'm wondering if there are other ways that can help you both feel close - sometimes cooking together can feel intimate, or even going for a walk/out to the park etc. A change in scenery (although cliche) can actually help as it feels less routine-like. Also by making your intentions clear this may help if his concern is that he's afraid things will get too intimate too quickly. If the cause is more trauma related maybe it's about helping him to feel like he is in a safe space.

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Need Advice On Depressed Partner

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 00:21:15 GMT

As for couples counselling - I haven't done this myself, but I
have heard about it and I've heard that it's not overly different to normal
counselling. The first session is quite informal, just designed to help you
relax and help the therapist get a better feel for who you are and how they can
help. You may find that later only one of you may attend the session or
both of you. This will depend on how it goes.

I've also managed to find questions you may expect:

- What issues have you been experiencing in your relationship?

- How long have these issues been a problem in your
relationship?

- Have you ever been in relationship counselling before?

- What have you and your partner done to try to resolve these
issues?

- What are your expectations of couples counselling?

Hope this helps a
little –

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