topic My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up in Supporting family and friends

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

Daisy94 — Fri, 19 Aug 2016 08:21:23 GMT

Hi guys

This is my first post and I am hoping to get some support and ideas to help my partner. He has started a double degree at University after a few years of working a crappy job. He is really smart, and previously started after high school, but dropped out due to failing and a bad mental state at the time. He has recently received a scholarship based on his efforts and in order to continue this scholarship, he must keep his grades high. This is so wonderful, but seems to stress him out further. But he still has 4 years to go and doesn't seem to be coping with first year content.

He goes to uni about 4 times a week during the semester and at least once a week (minimum) he calls me on the way home or tells me when he gets home that he is "stupid", "never going to amount to anything" and "useless" because he may not understand what he has to do for homework or for an assignment. No matter how small the things are, they bother him if he is having a bad day, even someone driving in front of him too slow bothers him. It takes me slowly talking to him and comforting him, sometimes for hours, to help get him out of the downward spiral of a mood. It's draining to me and sometimes ineffective in helping him and we go to bed unresolved; but always feel like a new start the following day.

I am having troubles with constantly maintaining the strong persona, and I want to help him as much as possible so he can deal with these moods on his own for when I am not there (I am about to finish my degree and start working full-time, and may have to move away).

I don't want his anxiety to prevent me doing what I need to do, nor constantly affecting him to the point that he feels like dropping out and doing "nothing" for the rest of his life.

I hope this makes sense - any input is appreciated.

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

jaysee — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 07:40:13 GMT

Hi Daisy94,

Welcome to BB and thanks for sharing your story.

I'm not sure how qualified I am to help apart from speaking from my own experiences as someone who has suffered a little from what some might call "achievement anxiety".

One thing that has helped me is to practice mindfulness meditation. You can download free apps like Buddify and Calm that give you guided meditation sessions. You don't see the good effects immediately, but in as little as a few days, I've found that regular daily practice of meditation has made me calmer and less irritable. This, in turn, enables me to think more clearly, which makes studying challenging topics in my night classes easier. So your partner might benefit from this practice.

Additionally, feeling alone and unsupported may be a factor. Something that helped me a lot with this was to reach out to my fellow class mates and my lecturer before/after class or online and build relationships with them. Lecturers in particular love to hear questions, even rookie questions, because it's a sign that the student cares about learning. They can help to explain things that the student mightn't have understood and help with difficult areas.

There's something to be said for the feeling of being supported and nurtured, quite apart from pragmatic concerns. That feeling can improve one's confidence and motivation and help one to push forward in learning and applying knowledge. It's the feeling of having a stake in the game, and not just being cast here and there by the winds. It's a two-way street, of course. Give and take. Your partner also has to show some interest and eagerness in learning and be willing to contribute in ways that are possible and reasonable.

I have been in a relationship a little bit similar to what you describe, where I would come home every night and spend hours upon hours "talking out" the problems of the day to a person who I was very close to at the time. Looking back, I think it was good that this relatinoship ended. It was emotionally draining for both of us and it re-enforced feelings of powerlessness for me, because I was depending on him to be there night after night, and not feeling competent to carry my own emotions.

I feel I am in a much more stable and happy position now because I have a small network of people who I can rely on for support, and who I can provide things to in return.

I wish you both the best, Daisy94.

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

Zeal — Sat, 20 Aug 2016 08:00:41 GMT

Hi Daisy,

Welcome to the forum,

It's great you want to help your partner, and that you provide emotional support for him. But as you said, this is draining for you, and also won't be possible once you start full-time work.

Has he struggled with mental health difficulties in the past? And if so, do you know whether he's sought professional help? In any case, it's important that he seeks help soon. Suggest that he see the university counsellor, as this is usually free to students. If he doesn't have a regular doctor (GP), there may be one on-campus he can book an appointment with. Seeing the uni counsellor will be helpful for talking through his concerns and getting advice on coping strategies. It's best that he also visit a GP - your partner may need a referral.

I hope something I said has been helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

Daisy94 — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 07:49:26 GMT

Hi Jaysee

Thank you for your response. I will definitely encourage the mindfulness meditation apps, which is something his psychologist recommended months ago, but he hasn't yet actually considered. Since none of his friends (from high school) or family members attend uni, as well as with some social anxiety, he is finding it difficult to make friends at uni. He has been good at going to extra study sessions run by tutors and asking them questions, but he has a fear of failure, which seems to be the big issue for him. Everything is about the chance that he "might fail". He understands a lot of his coursework, but is scared that he will "flunk the exam" or "fail the assignment". He doesn't have the confidence in his abilities and still sees himself as the 18 year old who failed first year of uni in 2009 because he was doing the wrong courses for that degree at the time and had no support. He went through a depression and moved interstate to get away from his problems, whereas since being with me for 18 months, and moving in with me and my family 6 months ago, he has been trying to talk through his problems and concerns with me and his counsellor. He doesn't see her enough but believes that once a month is adequate. I am going to try and attend his next appointment so that we can discuss all this with her together.

Thank you again for you input

Daisy94

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

Daisy94 — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 07:52:53 GMT

Hi SM

He started seeing a GP last year (he has also been diagnosed with sleep apnea), and as part of a care plan, has been able to see his old psychologist from when he had depression about 6 years ago.

He has been doing really well and finding it helpful but I don't think he goes often enough as he goes once every 4-6 weeks, and gets very stressed in between these appointments.

Thanks for you response

Daisy94

My partner started University a year ago and his anxiety has flared up

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 23 Aug 2016 01:42:14 GMT

Hi Daisy94,

Thanks for your post and a big welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you have been incredibly supportive to your partner, and I'm sorry that he's going through such a tough time. I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to have had to quit only to now be studying again but with all this pressure.

I'm pleased that he's seeing a psychologist and I do hope they are helpful. Every 4-6 weeks can seem like a fair distance but unfortunately I imagine that they are scheduling the appointments this far apart so that he can be covered for the calendar year under the Mental Health care plan. One thing that might be worth looking into is the Medicare Allied Health plan, allowing for an additional 5 visits; although he'd have to check with the GP if he meets the criteria. Another thing that might be useful is having a look at the University services; often they have support services that are counsellors, or even students training in counselling that can see him for free or next-to-nothing. This might be a great way to try and get that additional support in.

I can see that maybe this downward spiral of "I'm useless" "hopeless" and "will never amount to anything" can be pretty repetitive, so I'm wondering if it's worth trying to change tactic. One thing that therapists often use is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is the idea of challenging those thoughts or assumptions. So when he says "I'm useless" it's important to challenge that and say "why?" because so far everything he's done is not at all useless. This link might be helpful as a guide, both for you and him to understand - http://au.reachout.com/challenging-negative-thinking

I'd really encourage him to try and eliminate some of the focus away from his studies where possible. His study is only one part of his life - yes it's taking up a significant amount of time but there is more than that. Distraction can be useful; having breaks to watch a movie or go out for tea, or even encouraging him to be social and make friends at the uni.

I hope that this info is helpful to you. I assume that as time goes on he can start to implement these strategies and start to feel a bit better. and in terms of maintaining the "strong persona", it's okay not to be or feel strong all the time. Cope the way you feel the need to cope; maybe that's writing, exercise, talking with family or chatting on here.