topic Husband with NPD in Supporting family and friends

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Thu, 27 Aug 2015 01:03:02 GMT

After over 36 of marriage I know I have hit yet another wall in my struggle to cope with a husband with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I after building defences against 'eggshell walking'. I did think I had clambered out of this hole only to find that the next hole is deeper.

I hear you ask, why do you not leave him? Several reasons:1) he threatens to kill or harm himself and the fault would be all mine. I would never seen my grandchildren again. They would hate me. Is this emotional blackmail for real? Yes.

2) I had (over the years without realizing it) become dependent on this man in an emotional dance where he holds all the strings = Stockholm Syndrome/dependency. He was diagnosed in 1999-2000 but I was assured (& in my love and empathy for him) that these 'types' get better with age. No they do not. Forever to my shame - & not that he would ever get help himself because everyone is wrong and he is right ~ I thought that love and reason who 'cure' him. It did not. What a fool I am.

3) His need for attention is very deep. Whilst I was undergoing brain tumour surgery in 2009, he would ring one of the many female stand-bys he has if I cannot give him the attention he craves/needs. He chooses days like anniversaries etc to have psychotic rages where he destroys my things (never his) so that I do not receive any attention from anyone else. The next day, in his mind what he did does not exist - never happened. 'Its in the past'. Its all my own fault.

When my father died suddenly too young & my grief was deep his need for my full attention to be solely on him had him end up in hospital after an attempt to cause harm to himself but again it's just another attempt to be in spotlight. I had to hide my grief. The Dr at this very good Psych. Hospital observed him, spoke to him and then spoke to me and advised I seek Psych help for him with the NPD diagnosis.He never did.

Anyway, even typing this means that someone 'out-there' is reading and knows and this enables me to continue. I have noticed though, that I am MUCH stronger (psychologically) these days and this fact concerns him which is puzzling to me. I show this strength now when he threatens violence/rages.

Another facet of this disorder is that he never ever wants bad news because 'something' has gone out of his control ie: like a flat tyre etc. Control over everything is essential to him.

If there are any other spouses/family members out there that have to cope like this, any words of wisdom?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Thu, 27 Aug 2015 11:40:44 GMT

Hi Stockholm,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the Community here. I am not sure what the moderators have shared with you, but I do hope you are able to find their advice helpful and useful.

To a small extent, I have endured relationships with people who sound a little like your husband.

I need to learn to stand up for myself and to realise that it is not my responsibility for the way they act and behave. I know that is easier to say than to actually do at times. I have people in my life who have tendencies similar to your husbands.

One of the big problems is exactly what you have mentioned, these people don't realise how much they hurt others with their actions and behaviour.

My suggestion is that you try to find hobbies and interests to help add to your sense of enjoyment in life. Maybe join a club or a group.

If your husband tries on the self harm or his other antics, then maybe take him to the Dr or the hospital where you know he will have the care he needs and try not to take on board his behaviour.

You also mentioned your husband has tendencies to show rage and violence. I hope you have somewhere safe to go if this becomes too much! Just any sign of this is really too much! Maybe you need to look at safe places to go when this occurs.

You have reached out here so you are obviously wanting some of this resolved or at least for people to acknowledge what is going on for you. I hope you are able to seek help and further advice. Use the Beyond Blue phone line, see your Dr. and if you feel a need, share more of your story here.

People here on this forum are non judgemental and are also people who have dealt with mental health issues either themselves or through people they know.

I hope you can find ways to start making a positive difference in your life.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Thu, 27 Aug 2015 20:17:22 GMT

Thank you Lauren. Most of what you said/wrote is familiar to me.

After my brush with death (ie brain tumour) my sense of enjoyment in & with life is intense. Actually it probably always was.I ve many hobbies/outside activities. I've recently retired from a stressful & intense career & my days are filled with family & interests. It helps to allow me live 100% each day.

Living with someone with NPD has been described as one of the hardest things to do.

I look back on the violence, the multitude of affairs he has had, his subsuming of all my friends & support networks/hobbies, his outrageous lying, his destruction from time to time of my personal belongings & all else as actions from a person who has no self esteem & is desperately wanting to be somebody that people will love. ie: if I am talking to someone - anybody - he literally runs over to see what it is about & stands there swaying from heel to toe until I finish.

In all this, I see a man damaged irreparably by his upbringing which was terrible at best & very very nasty at worst.He never achieved a sense of self & sense of 'other'.

He does not drink or smoke - not because it's unhealthy - but it allows him to be a judge on the rest of the human race in some sort of manic aggrandizement. When I ask him 'why?' sometimes his look is both frightening & frightened like child caught out.

The further sadness with this is that because of his behaviour is that he diregarded his own health & via his totally frenetic raging where he is so angry with me the world, everything has affected his heart & he now has a defibrilator. He is also plagued with Diabetes 2 which has affected any sexual relationship we had. His (many) attempts to harm himself have now become just tantrums & medical help is rarely forthcoming subject to him allowing them to help him. There is no medication for this. They did try anti-depressants but they made him worse as he believed he was losing control of me, his world - everything. When he drives all other drivers are idiots. When he walks around shopping centres, people must get out of his way as he is entitled to be there first. I avoid having him drive & I avoid going shopping with him.

He teases our grandkids until they scream for him to go away because they are getting attention & he is not. These are the unique things experienced by those that have to live with others with NPD.

Its sometimes way too hard to describe. But I'm here for myself & my family. I must remain strong

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 08:00:51 GMT

Hi Stockholm,

I really don't know what to say in reply to what you have written! I have met some "interesting" people in the past but your husband takes the cake!

You mentioned you are now retired. Do you find it harder to be at home permanently now with your husband?

I know you mentioned that you have a lot of hobbies and interests and you spent time with family and friends, but it your husband always home?

It is a shame the grand children are copping things now. I wonder if they will want to be around their grand father much longer? Unfortunately my Mother has a few mental health issues and the grand children do not like to spend much time with her at all and she is wanting us all at their home for Christmas this year!

So what is Christmas like at your place?

Cheers for now from Lauren

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 21:55:37 GMT

Dear Lauren,

Thank you for your reply. I think that this is the crux of the matter for me now. I retired a little earlier deliberately so to taste the freedom of days without work stress so I could concentrate on the problems associated with my husbands NPD & think through what it will be like once he does retire in a few months time. I m understandably apprehensive.

Every person knows that we do not live in a perfect world. Emotions run the full gamut of what makes us humans. My husband likes nothing better for me to be happy & without complaint about anything...no matter what the abuse or situation whether it is in his control or not. Meaning I have to be joyful & chirpy 24/7 otherwise it's his fault even though its not & I may simply have hayfever etc & the rage begins. His is a world of 'no-sense' nothing is 'real' or 'makes sense' & he does not have the tools that enable empathy to another.

I struggle each day to see any humaneness in him & I see sparks of it & then it goes out. I try & teach him empathy for his fellow human beings & he tries but its very skewed by his world view on how it should be.

For example: the only friend he does have came down with meningitis not long after my brain tumour surgery. His friends wife told my husband 'do not under any circumstances come to visit as we do not know what it is - viral/bacterial meningitis & you do not want to take it home with you because you have someone at home whose meninges (covering of the brain) is compromised'. He did not listen he wanted to go. He knew best. I had to,really had to shout at him & say 'don't put my life at risk PLEASE!'. In the end he did not go after much shouting. He is right. He is always right. My life is of no consequence to that 'rightness'. Now if that situation comes up he says 'well I stayed home didn't I'? so that I have to be on my knees thankful.

One day just before lunch I cut the cheese crooked..those big blocks one can buy of specialty cheese. He hit the roof.He chewed some cheese & spat it out all over me. When asked about it later 'it's an accident, it didn't happen'.

This is the problem with this. It's like sometimes I am living in an unbelievable unending nightmare in between days of calm before the next rage builds.

Any family gatherings are 'uncomfortable' & I try & put a good face on it & get through him through it. Its like living with a badly behaved child that has never grown up.

I was once told that their pain is our punishment. Very true.

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Mon, 31 Aug 2015 12:18:16 GMT

Hi Stockholm,

Once again I am unsure how to respond to the way you explain your husband's behaviour when he is afflicted by his illness.

I know from my own depression and other mental health issues that there are days when my husband wishes I did not have these illnesses. He often tells me how hard it is on him. I tell him that I certainly don't enjoy being that way myself.

You must be one tough lady to hang in there!

I can understand you being apprehensive about the time when your husband retires as well. You might need to try to set some boundaries. Even if he really doesn't understand the concept, if you stick to them it might help you to cope.

I certainly wish you well with all of that!

Hopefully you have a good support network to help you out when times get too tough!

Husband with NPD

Guest_5809 — Tue, 01 Sep 2015 06:24:46 GMT

Oh my!! Stockholm I read this with my heart pounding with anxiety and immense fear running through my body. This is my ex husband. Although in his eyes my husband still the father of our 2 young children. I live bound to him just like you and your NPD husband. Fear he will harm himself and I will have to live with that guilt and blame. I don't know how I can live with that. I too feel like I have that "Stockholm syndrome" with my ex. No matter how I try to break away I feel a compelling sense of feeling sorry for him and that I have to look after him. I am afraid soon as I make that final break from him he will crack. What that crack looks like I fear. If he kills himself because of it I have to live with it, if he takes it out emotionally on me and the kids I have to wear it. I feel like I am in a dance with the devil.

And know I see the same traits in my 13 year old son. It's so frightening to think this is the life I have and very few people see the behaviours.

Big hugs to you cause I see it and I get it

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 08:19:51 GMT

Hi Dottibluebell,

Have you talked with counsellors about your ex husband and most importantly about your son?

Maybe if you are able to get your son in to see someone now, he will be able to change his ways and realise that how his father behaves is really not acceptable.

It is really hard to not feel like you are responsible for how another person acts and feels, but in a way we are not. We don't want people we know to say they would kill themselves if we left them, that is just putting so much blame and onus on you to make that person feel worthy.

My first husband told me that if I left him then he would kill himself. I did leave him and he did not kill himself. He went out with one of my girlfriends instead. That was fine. He was no longer my concern.

I do hope you are talking with someone about your situation!

Cheers from Lauren

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Thu, 03 Sep 2015 06:54:06 GMT

Dear Lauren

Thank you for your response. ...appreciate it so much! Spilling is very hard and painful.

But you see, this is the crux of the matter. It is not an illness. It is a disorder just like psychopathy. If it was an illness then we could all hope for easement of it for his sake and my own.

The many facets of the disorder as experienced by partners from gaslighting ( almost a kind of psychological torture to others) right through to pathological lying can only be eased by specialist care not drugs per se. However knowing that both can make them worse is to be on the edge of despair.

My husbands world is one where he wears a mask to enable him to function outside the home though lately at his office the cracks are showing which he can no longer cover...he is the best, he knows it all. Promotions have passed him by whilst he thinks others cannot see the reality but some of course are intuitive to a strangeness in his behaviour.

The cycles begin when he declares people are trying to run him over when he crosses the street. Of course he is walking against the lights but I cannot say this...in my diary I note when he says it...as a flag for me to walk on egg shells again.

Anyway thank you for 'listening' ...its tricky, its hard its downright soul destroying. But I'll make it!

thank you!

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Thu, 03 Sep 2015 22:24:43 GMT

One of the hardest things is to talk about it. Even harder than this is to read similar experiences because in the deepest darkest times, one thinks one is alone with this. But we are not. I have walked many miles in so many shoes in this forum that I am lost for words.

My best wishes for you and your son. Your son is still young and impressionable. Smoother him with all the love you can give him and let him know he is not only an intrinsic part of the beautiful world but a great addition to it and you are so glad to have him! Part of that love is to guide him into knowledge of right and wrong behaviours. I still think love does conquer all...I know that sounds terribly naive but its all I can suggest...He is precious as you are 🙂

Stockholm x

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 08:34:14 GMT

Hi Stockholm,

Thanks for further explanation of how your husband's condition is. It is something I do not understand as I have not experienced it.

You sound like a very strong person who has endured so much and loves her husband very much. I do wish you all the best in your quest to make the most of what life has dealt you both.

It is good that you are able to notice the signs that things are not going so well for your husband. To be for warned can be very helpful.

It is also good that you feel you can share here on this forum. I certainly can not comprehend what you are both experiencing, but hopefully just knowing people care will help you a little.

Cheers for now from Lauren

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 22:08:33 GMT

Just would like to thank Beyond Blue for this forum...which has helped in its own way or rather, it has given me the extra spanner [:-)] in my own coping tool-box to seek out a professional who specializes in personality disorders.

I am still fairly blown away that there are others in similar situations and my heart goes out to them all.

Best Regards

Husband with NPD

Bbread — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 09:04:06 GMT

Hello Stockholm,

Although undiagnosed, I believe my partner may have BPD. Not the same, but I see some very similar traits to what you have described with your husband ie, lack of empathy, constant lying, seeking attention, death threats and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom as I am still trying to learn about his condition and researching avenues for help.

I do have to say, you are such a strong person to live through the roller coaster that Your husband's disorder has presented.

If at all like me, I haven't allowed many to discover what my life with my partner is truly like (I'd rather not send my mum to an early grave), so I hope that by posting your experiences and hearing of others in somewhat similar situations, that helps you feel a little less alone. That is part of the reason I've joined.

All the best.

Husband with NPD

Stockholm — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 19:54:46 GMT

Dear Bbread

Thank you so much!

Yes just like you and many others here, I've not allowed anybody to know about the situation - my life, as experienced up till now as I have sought my own counselling and of course help via BeyondBlue!

Yet having said that, people do know that there is something strange about it all...but see me smiling and jolly and they glance over the weird parts. Even spilling out like this is painful as the narrative for the most part and for most people is way to much to handle. I understand that. They back away and that is the end of that. You probably know or have experienced what I am taking about here.

I have come to realise that I live in a co-joined fantasy world of 'smile, smile, smile' and don't ever look as if you are not enjoying yourself with me (my husband) - or else as you are aware the threats of self harm begin and lately he has taken to saying this 'you will die and old lonely woman without me (him]' if I leave.

I look at him blankly when he says this. He does not know of my own plans for freedom. Nor that I am concurrently seeking help (strength??) from a trauma counselling. How horrible to rely on duplicity to build on strength and gain freedom?? It is indeed like a hostage situation.

I have had hopes that Mental As Week would somehow address the issue and bring it to the light of day as it deserves - but they did not and understandably, how can you explain to people like you and I who are still struggling with making sense of people that make 'no-sense' that really there is nothing to do but walk away - for our own health's sake?? In the end it must be about ourselves - about survival.

I know I only have knowledge of NPD with convergent Psychopathy and very little about BPD. I wish beyond reasoning that they (the experts) would find out why it happens.

The hardest thing that I have had to learn via counselling is to not give up on empathy to my husband even though he doesn't know how it feels to be a receiver of such. But to give it as a normal decent human being but square it off with the reality of situation at the time and not allow him to feed off it.

Strength is required to walk away as well. I gain a degree of it with each passing day.

Thank you so much for your empathy and 'listening'. I have no words of adequate thanks but its from the heart! I do wish you well!

Regards

Stockholm

Thank you so much for

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Husband with NPD

Guest_5809 — Sat, 24 Oct 2015 11:50:11 GMT

My ex husband father of my 2 children is undiagnosed NPD borderline personality disorder. I still live on egg shells waiting for the time bomb to go off. I am tired of it. The fear of him gets so great I just want to run and hide. Disappear forever with the kids. He has been physically verbally and emotionally abusive. He lies. He asks the kids if I am dating. He ring several times a day and if he can't get in touch with me he sends me a message saying have you got a visitor. I am tired of it. I am starting to think there is only one way out of this. This torment and fear. He has had another partner for the last 5 years but still treats me likes I am his and the house still his. I am soo tired of living like this for me and my kids. No one can tell me how to break free with out panic and fear of reprisal .

Husband with NPD

IAMTHAT_IAM — Sat, 07 Nov 2015 04:16:17 GMT

Hi Dottibluebell

I can understand what you are going through and how it makes you feel, this condition unfortunately is like an incurable disease really robbing people of the very basic right to a happy life.

The circumstances seem like they are never going to go away, the light at the end of the tunnel is very faint. I had a great phycologist appointed to me free from my GP as part of the mental health program that entailed 10 sessions that I found really useful. The service would have costed $1,750 if I didn't have the referral and believe this is why many can't seek help?

Dan, among many different therapies for basic anxiety panic attacks spent some time and did a great job helping me with my thoughts. The basis of the conversation was about you having your own special right to think what you want and no body can take that away from anyone, these thoughts also can get the better of us and can if not understood can become our reality. So he asked me to write down what is my ideal life regardless of external or circumstantial influences would be and we then did a circle of influence. We drew a circle and things in my life I could not influence were put on the outside and things I had control over were on the inner, he then said what will i feel better on a day by day basis doing, stuff on the inside or outer! We then spoke about now being a time to be a little selfish and do things for yourself and I can admit I felt better.

This was all hard work, don't get me wrong nothing has happened over night! I feel so stupid, embarrassed and just downright disappointed in myself for letting these things happen to me and not for days or months but years! This stems from one of those things in life that relate to the past, I came from a separated family and from early on said I will never do that to my son, I even stupidly years ago said I didn't care about having a loveless relationship, be unhappy and just deal with it to ensure my son didn't have to feel those feelings i did. This was fair and well when I thought my partner was an emotional abuser with a knack of belittling and stripping me of feeling good. I only just realised in the last month that it was an extreme case of NPD and now everything previously can be explained, i do feel better just reading others experiences here and found out about NPD when a forum post came up on a google search. What to do now??? Im going back to GP to get referral and get some help!

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 21:04:13 GMT

Hi I AM,

Just wanted to thank you for your post. I really like the idea of the circle, writing down what you have control over and what the outside influences are in your life.

Thanks so much for sharing that. It has made me think I would benefit very much from thinking about and considering life from that aspect!

All the best to you in trying to find answers and support. It is so helpful when people share what is working for them. I do also realise it takes a lot of hard work at times to get results!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Husband with NPD

Doolhof — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 21:15:14 GMT

Hi Stockholm,

I'm hoping you are receiving the help and assistance you need right now. I find that looking for information on how to cope with my various conditions helps me immensely. I try not to get bogged down with all of the repercussions of my mental heal illnesses but to read about how I can help myself more.

The problem with any illness, mental health wise or physically, is that every person can present with the complaint a little differently. It is so beneficial if we can find ways that work for us to help make each day more enjoyable and bearable.

My life has felt like a roller coaster ride recently. I have had some days where I have been feeling great, then my husband has plummeted with his depression and that has affected me, so I then try to pull us both up and out of the hole.

Sometimes I find it very hard to be supportive and caring when I receive very little of that myself from my husband. I know I don't feel good within myself when I purposely ignore the hurt and pain he is experiencing. Even if I don't really want to show him concern I do, because in the long run it makes us both feel better.

Hope my rambling makes some sense! I guess what I am trying to say is that when I feel good about doing something it gives me a boost.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Husband with NPD

JenEckles — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 23:27:20 GMT

Hello Stockholm

You are describing my husband perfectly in words that I couldn't have strung together myself.

I'm living through a spell of isolation at the moment. My husband has not spoken to me for days with no explanation. It's such a lonely and helpless existence where nothing I say counts and blame laid at my feet is a constant feature. There is nothing logical about his thought processes and he will probably snap out of it in a day or so by asking me if I'm "going to be nice" to him now.

As far as I am aware, my husband hasn't been diagnosed with anything but he has admitted to self diagnosis of anxiety. I suspect he has a mix of anxiety and NPD. His desire to throw himself into the spotlight is a consistent feature and also, his need to be first in line, get there first, first to receive dinner etc ignoring everyone around him.

At one point early in our marriage we were renovating and I was running a small business, things were pretty busy but we were managing until he told me that I was "killing him". He told me again when I ignored it the first time, by waking me at 2am in a rage.

Spells like the current one don't happen all the time but I could write a book about the behaviour. I do my best to keep things even, keep myself happy, keep our home nice and watch what I tell him because no matter how innocent or normal my comments might be, they will be used against me. He is a masterful projectionist and he cannot/will not accept any constructive criticism. It's just not worth the angst it causes, so I say nothing. In addition, he craves attention and as you described in your post, when my father died which was quickly followed by my brother, he made arguments to me not to get involved in funeral or other family arrangements. Each time, he has behaved in ways that reduced me to tears by storming out in a rage over my intention to be with my family. This was baffling to me. How could someone prevent what is their right, to grieve in their own way. His lacks empathy and the ability to connect in this way.

I could go on forever but I just had to reply to your post to let you know that it has helped me today, when I needed it most. Pulling myself through these narcissistic spells is extremely hard, there's no place to be and no where to be heard. He is always right at all costs and as you say, him being right is more important than anything else.

Thank you again, and I hope your retirement is going well.