topic Wife depressed, having trouble coping. in Supporting family and friends

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 04:45:55 GMT

Hi.

I've been married for 10 years and have one child. My wife had some anxiety and depression issues but when we had our daughter she went into post natal depression and never quite came back. She's on medication and sees a counsellor on and off. She's lost interest in sex and never seems like she's ok with life - there's always something to make her unhappy.

I've mostly coped until now but recently I've gotten infatuated with a co-worker. I haven't said anything to anyone - the girl at work may or may not be in a relationship (complicated), no idea if she'd be interested even if she wasn't, and even if she was interested it would mean devastating my wife. If I told my wife that I was attracted to another woman she'd be hurt and she doesn't deserve that. Plus, she'd then be worried about me working with someone I'm attracted to and probably demand I find another job when her work situation is precarious. So keeping my mouth shut for the time being - the girl in question will be leaving next year so that problem should at least fix itself.

At my worst I sometimes wonder if my wife isn't capable of happiness with me then am I better off leaving. But I don't want to hurt her and I really don't want to hurt my daughter. And that's at my worst - I'd prefer everyone to end up happy. Like I said, I've coped so far, just having trouble at the moment.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

scaredmum — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 10:00:11 GMT

Hi Bob

I too suffered post natal depression 21 years ago and never came back. I have clinical depression and I know too how hard I am to live with. Even though Ive been on Medications all this time and had counsilling Im not happy. Its got nothing to do with my husband or anyone else as he is the most wonderful supportive man who is my rock. But I probably take him for granted which is so unfair.

Please dont think that your wife is uncapable of being happy with you. Im sure its not you but the illness and she is probaly struggling to get through each day and being strong especially for your daughter. It is a fact that some people with depression lose all interest in sex. Depression is the most debilitating illness and so hard to understand to someone who hasnt been through it. Be patient and dont go down the road of looking elsewhere because you feel your wife is no longer interested. Do everything you can to get her out for walks, exercise releases feel good endorphines. take her out to dinner, show her that you are there for her . Remember...its an illness, just like diabetes or cancer.

I hope things work out and you also have someone to talk to regularly about your worries and concerns ( Not the coworker Lol) Its tough living with mental illness and partners need support too. You are probably your wifes rock and she will rely on you more than you know.

Take care

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

TheSteve — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 15:53:58 GMT

Bob,

Thanks for sharing mate. Your situation is probably more common than you know, but I admire the detail in which you have described and explained it. That takes courage from a man, and I admire that.

I read ScaredMum's post, and she really nails it. I think her best point is "leave no stone unturned". Your wife can be happy, and the physical and mental/emotional sides of what she is dealing with must both be given attention and treated simultaneously. They are so tightly integrated, and inseparable. I would run a full audit of her current situation - diet, vitamins, medications, exercise, cognitive habits/therapy, lifestyle, attitude etc. Leave nothing to chance. There is a solution somewhere in the mix, and she must absolutely commit and be a part of it. You can carry only so much weight.

These days, in our material, consumerist, expensive, envious world, I sometimes wonder if people have lost the ability to be happy; whether we are being deliberately herded in this direction; or whether we have become so used to a relatively comfortable life that we don't know how to cope when things to sour or when our expectations are not met. There is this, and then there is legitimate physical/emotional disorders; and then there are the areas in which they all intersect. It is a wicked web, and requires patience, dedication, trial & error, and an exhaustive search for a solution. Clarity is key, and the ability to remain calm and patient in the eye of the storm is paramount.

Either way, we are here for you and will offer whatever support you need during this time. Come back and chat with us anytime. All the best to you.

Steve

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 20:47:04 GMT

Thank you all.

The thing that's getting me down at the moment is that I feel like I'm a complaints department and not a husband. She was talking about work a couple of days ago, I failed to reply, and then she told me that we don't have conversations anymore. It's because it feels like 90% of what she says is complaining and I've run out of energy to respond to that.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 21:12:08 GMT

Sometimes it seems like our time together is a race between me trying to help her out of depression and her dragging me into it and right now she's winning.

Massively unfair to her I know, just where I'm at right now.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

geoff — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 23:50:23 GMT

dear Bob, ScaredMum and Steve are right but I know what you are trying to say, because the situation is a catch-22, and I have certainly been through the same with my wife (ex) on many occasions, and even now as we still talk and see each other, nothing has changed, but that's probably unfair because it's only my word and she can't defend herself.

There has been an old saying 'the grass is greener on the other side', true but it leads to dangerous waters and is only a temporary fix.

This situation is where you seem to be driven into her depression but that's what this illness can do and does do most of the time, which means that communication between the both of you falls away and becomes non-existent, so if an important topic need to be discussed it doesn't happen, or if it does then an argument could take place.

When any spouse or partner becomes depressed their opposite also becomes depressed, maybe not as bad, but it affects their enjoyment they once had in life.

You are going to find it very difficult to help her out of depression, while normally this could be possible, but as you are beginning to suffer yourself and find it hard to talk to her, then it will difficult to do so, because 'you fail to reply back to her', and please I'm not blaming you, but just stating the fact that I can't see it happening.

So what I am trying to say is that you need to see your doctor, because you're not happy and you could be suffering from depression yourself, as I'm not qualified to diagnose you, and that's why you need assistance to get your strength back, which you could have had when she first suffered from PND but slowly it's now dragging you down to the point that you want to have an affair with someone who is exciting.

Depression or PND in your case stops anybody from being happy, but it doesn't stop them achieving their happiness once again. Geoff.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 08:13:42 GMT

Booked in to see GP. Thanks

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

TheSteve — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 18:04:43 GMT

Good stuff Bob, keep us in the loop.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Cherpieus — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 22:29:20 GMT

Hi Bob Grey,

It is extremely difficult to see your wife go in this Depression. My husband sees and experiences the same things no doubt.

I can totally relate about being attracted to someone else who seems a lot 'easier'. I went down this road in my previous marriage and oh boy do I regret it. I've set up boundaries for myself now in my current marriage that I don't make friends with the opposite sex. Even my husbands friends I stay well clear of, I don't give out my mobile or have theirs. I miss romance and friendship with men but I know that I cannot trust myself as I'm way to vulnerable.

My husband has friends who are woman both at work and on online and it messes with my head a lot. I have to work extremely hard to control my emotions and insecurities about it.

Have you guys been to see a counsellor? I'm not saying this fixes everything but it can provide a 'safe' place for you both to have a discussion about how you're feeling.

Cherpieus

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

awolf — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 14:01:43 GMT

I totally agree with your "capable of happiness" phrase. I used to make my husband SO happy and now, nothing. I feel like maybe he would be happier w someone else or even alone? And as for the coworker situation, that is hard. If you are having those feelings maybe you just need to move on and find your own happiness. All i know is you should never regret passing up an opportunity!

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Carmen_Lisa — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 05:49:27 GMT

Hi there. I think people have given some good advice. I just wanted to say this one thing... You can either lean into the relationship or lean out. The depression might make it seem easier to lean out, but if you lean the other way, you will be stronger to face things together.

Oh, and life is never going to be 100% happy. Look for moments in the small things. Play together. Set her a funny treasure hunt with memories of happy times. Do silly things. Us people struggling with depression need distraction sometimes. A bit like a 3 year old having a tantrum. Better than engaging with the list of woes and trying to fix things. That just feels frustrating.

All the best to you.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 00:15:50 GMT

Thank you all.

I've started seeing a psychologist and my wife is looking for a new psychologist as well. We've talked and she's making all the right noises about working together to fix things.

My main issue now is that while she's mostly saying the right sort of things I've got my doubts about how that will transfer into action. My psychologist recommended we read a book (Sex Diaries, Bettina Arndt). I mentioned it, my wife read a review, said that it sounded like it would say I'm normal and it's all her fault and then crawled into bed and cried.

I trust my wife - I don't trust her depression.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Guest_1055 — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 02:52:38 GMT

Bob I am new to this posting thing, I read your thread here, and one thing stood out to me. Why because it sounds familiar to me. You were saying that when your wife talks it is 90% complaining, my husband has also thought that about me and has stated this to me. You hear it has complaints but I am thinking she just wants to feel understood and feel loved. I have read this book called" love and respect" it is about how a man married craves respect, wants to be noticed by his wife, wants to be admired and accepted by his wife. And the wife really wants to be loved, understood and cherished by her husband. This book is like a help book.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

DaveInBris — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 03:44:24 GMT

Hi Bob - my wife and I have been together nearly 30 years and we've faced similar challenges. My wife has suffered from severe depression on and off for most of that time. At times it has been extremely severe and she has been suicidal. She was hospitalised about 10years ago which was the beginning of us properly addressing the issues that were affecting her (and me) - through medication and counselling. While it's never easy we're now in a much better place. All I can say is hang in there and keep working with your wife, family and friends to find a way through. Good luck.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Hypatia — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 23:44:06 GMT

HI Bob,

I don't know if this helps, but the Sex Diaries *is* a fairly controversial book - I have very non-depressed friends who would probably be upset if their partner gave it to them with a comment that it might fix things. Several reviews characterise it as having a "relationship problems are caused by women not being willing to have sex when they don't want to". I'm not saying you were wrong to give it to her, but it might help to read the review she read and look at it from her perspective. I suspect your psychologist thought it would help because it is a powerful elucidation of how differing sex drives affect people - so maybe explaining that you just want her to understand better how you feel, not that she has to do anything she doesn't want to - might help.

Depression (and the meds that treat it) can really play havoc with someone's sex drive. It can also change the sensation of being touched so that it is very unpleasant. It is different for everyone (I am very grateful that this hasn't been the case with my partner's depression, and his current meds don't have sexual side-effects either, but he has been on medication that did and it was really upsetting and isolating for me). There is good news - some anti-depressants actually increase female libido in some people!

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things - separate counsellors will help a lot, I suspect. Rebuilding trust and understanding takes a long time, and isn't linear. It's also ok if you decide at a point that you don't have a long journey back in you, and that you want to leave. It sounds like you are all moving through what you need to work this out - Good luck!

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Mon, 16 Nov 2015 23:16:21 GMT

Thank you all.

Interestingly one of the things that came out of talking with my wife in the last couple of days is that she does want me to fix things when she complains - even when they're things that have nothing to do with me. She says she's going to try and not use me as a therapist. Still having trouble seeing how it's going to work but we're booked in for counselling so we'll see how that goes.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

TheSteve — Tue, 17 Nov 2015 00:52:43 GMT

That's great Bob, well done. If you can both stick with it, it will most certainly help you explore the issues - both surface and underlying, and thus help you find a way to deal with it short and long term.

When the time is right, you may encourage your wife to go and get a full physical done, as well as have her hormone levels checked. These can wreak havoc with a person's mood (my wife suffers from low thyroid, and she literally can be night-and-day in the same 24hr period).

My message is this - leave no stone unturned.

Good luck to you both.

Steve

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 04:42:21 GMT

She's getting a bunch of blood tests done so we'll see what they say.

It's kind of awkward now - she's doing better than I am because she's medicated and the doctor has increased her dosage. GP is not keen to see me on any medication which I agree with in principle but some days it would be nice to just be numb through everything.

Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

TheSteve — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 14:29:37 GMT

That is a dynamic that can be uncomfortable as it sees the stress shift from one person to the next, and almost immediately repositions where you were in the relationship. Clearly you are in better shape than her overall, so unless you are really feeling trashed then medicating your way through it is not going to do you much good.

This dynamic may be necessary to get her through, so ride with it and see how it goes.