topic Advice for family where Dad has depression in Supporting family and friends

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Mon, 16 May 2016 20:29:21 GMT

My husband has been battling depression for a while now and has just been admitted to a mental health clinic. The kids dont know yet, they think he is away for work. He is quite low and feeling alot of shame, his depression has meant he has been irritable at home for months. We had talked to the kids about Dad feeling 'sad-mad' like a character in the inside out movie and they get that, he is a good bloke who is trying hard but his moods and need for control get the better of him. I thought he would be in hospital for a week to 10 days but he called last night and said his psychiatrist is talking about a month long admission. I have a 9 year old and 7 year old, he misses us already and he has only been in 3 days. Im unsure how to discuss his admission with the kids and how much we should visit him, I desperately want him to feel better and support him as much as we can. The last 4 months have been horrible, I struggle with his mood, anger, loss of interest, irritability and feel drained around him. Intellectually I understand his depression (I have a psych background) but emotionally it has been a difficult time. He is trying very hard though and is a good husband and father despite the depression. Thanks for listening, its a new thing for me to reach out for help online.

Advice for family where Dad has depression

white knight — Mon, 16 May 2016 20:57:56 GMT

Hi winterfell, welcome

Firstly what a wonderful spouse you are!! A great attitude.

We are mostly sufferers here so you'll get valuable insight from us.

The extended time in care would likely be due to Drs wanting to assess him longer, quite common. It is for the best. During this time and the future you are the "rock" of the family and that isn't easy. Your husband will also feel he has been a failure so its really important he feels the family unit is functioning OK during this time even if you have to fake such portrayal.

The following are threads I've started that might help. Even the first post I wrote could assist in some perspective. Google them

Topic: depression, a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue. (This one doesn't mean you are at fault just ideas of treading lightly)

Praise is so important to dads. This has been my need when unwell. When really unwell my girls were 7 and 4yo, my marriage fell apart and I was on my own. I felt a total failure. Men do need that subtle pat on the back.

I hope you are OK. There are thousands of threads here you can read up on for info.

Tony WK

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Mon, 16 May 2016 22:42:06 GMT

Thanks Tony, I worked in acute and community mental health for 12 years, mainly crisis work and early psychosis and forensic arena. Its challenging having supported other people and families but then having to 'walk the walk' myself so to speak. Your point about praise I will definitely focus on, my husband is feeling quite low, he has battled depression on and off the last 2-3 years but he has hit his lowest low I think. I have been a bit anxious myself how to handle it with the kids so your advice is appreciated, I think he really needs to know that we can all manage and get through this patch andthe kids will be okay with it too.

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:08:45 GMT

Hello Winterfell and welcome

It would be a difficult time for your family for sure. I am also a sufferer of depression since 1997 and my moods were irritable on minute and then crying etc. I felt like a tennis ball in a tumble dryer until my female GP kicked me hard and put me on AD's 19 years ago.

My daughter in 1997 was 5 and when I did see her I told her that I couldnt do some of the activities I used to because dad had a bad headache that wouldnt go away and I needed some time to rest and get better. I had to miss about 6 weeks of fortnightly contact visits so I could let the AD's and therapy kick in.

As well as being a health care professional you are a great mum for posting here. There are many wonderful people that can be here for you Winterfell. As you know depression is a serious illness and you have seen your husbands 'depression talking' so to speak. To me its no different to diabetes or heart disease...It requires doctors and management.

I hope something here has been of help to you.

I will be thinking of you, your children and your husband

My Kindest Thoughts to you and your family

Paulx

Advice for family where Dad has depression

geoff — Tue, 17 May 2016 00:36:16 GMT

dear Winterfall, having your husband in a clinic would be hoping that it is going to help him out this cycle not only for him but for you and the kids.
Can I suggest tht you think about telling your kids, because eventually they will find out somehow and if the other kids at school know then they have to be prepared, and by no reason it's a small world.
My two boys were young when I was put into a clinic after what I had tried to do, but rather than call it a mental health clinic, called a place for rest or a holiday, and I realise it maybe frightening for them but if they go sand see him in there it won't scare them that much, I hope not.
Even though you work with a psych background it's far different than living with it in your own family, so it's going to have an enormous impact on all of you.
When you see him at the clinic he will seem to be much better, perhaps happy and laughing because he has no pressure, no phone calls and no one to see, so it's a completely different environment than living at home, so it may seem as though he's healthy enough to come home, but can I say that this is an allusion, because as soon as he's home there is a possibility that he will go back to where he was, so if you can afford it, keep him there for as long as you can, maybe he can have week end visits back to home just to see how he's coping. Love Geoff. x

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Tue, 17 May 2016 21:04:47 GMT

Thanks

we facetimed with him last night which was great, he loved to see the kids and we can do it very regularly (clinic has wifi). I told the kids yesterday and they were surprisingly matter of fact about it, my older son even knew what depression was - low mood with sadness he piped up! They know Dad is in a special clinic/hospital, I said it was kind of like a hotel for people with mood difficulties where Dad can concentrate on getting better. The clinic is a alot like a hotel, lifts and lobbies etc so hopefully that will make sense when we visit him.

I am getting used to the idea of him being in there for a while, they want to sort his sleep and he will have time to reconsider his work options (work is a massive stressor for him). I am trying to use the time to recharge myself and relax a bit as its been tense at home before he was admitted. Fingers crossed he gets on top of his depression.

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Tue, 17 May 2016 21:13:48 GMT

Hi Winterfell

Well explained to your kids, you have done so well. Its great that you have such a healthy attitude by using the time to self care after an understandably difficult time for your family.

I have had to look at my work situation as well. I didnt know how much it was actually exacerbating my depression.

My Kind Thoughts to You and your Family

Paul (Hug) for you if thats okay of course 🙂

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Thu, 19 May 2016 05:30:35 GMT

Thanks for the kind words. His boss rang today and that was unexpected, they want to support him as best they can, he will have 2 months at least off work to start and then they will look at suitable duties if he is fit to return. That will be one less thing for him to worry about 🙂

Advice for family where Dad has depression

geoff — Thu, 19 May 2016 19:04:27 GMT

dear Winterfell, I'm pleased that you have told your sons, and I'm sure that were always pleased to know where their dad was.
His boss knows of his situation and is trying his best to accommodate what he needs.
Take this time as where you can recharge your much needed batteries, and please let us know what is going on. Geoff. x

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Thu, 19 May 2016 22:02:34 GMT

Hello Winterfell

Your husbands' boss is a gem. That high level of understanding is a gift right now for him.

It must have been a great relief to you as well.

We are here for you

Paul

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Sat, 21 May 2016 21:14:18 GMT

First visit yesterday which went well, kids got to seehis room, use his bathroom, suss out the telly and his desk etc. We bought him a plant to sit on his windowsill and kids did a nice card. I thought fish and chips down the beach would be low stress and minimal demands on him so we took him on leave and spent an hour together. Dropping him off my older son was upset, he didnt realise Dad wasnt coming home in a few days. What we decided is that anytime he wants to visit we will make it happen. We are going for short but often, the clinic is only 5 minutes from home.

One shock I had is that they are putting him on bipolar medication. I wasnt aware of its use at low doses with depression, I thought bloody hell he's on an anti-psychotic! His psychiatrist has said his irritation and anger is severe, he tries hard but goes from 0-100 with seemingly minor irritations and then he is filled with shame for his angry thoughts. I am hoping he gets some relief from this.

He is surrounded by people at the clinic who he trusts and feels safe with so that is a good thing. He is also facetiming us twice a day and showing us lots of love, many people at the clinic have had their relationships break down and I think he is feeling appreciative of our efforts. I just keep on loving him and telling him one foot in front of the other is all we can do, there will be a way out of the dark valley eventually. He is no longer saying we are better off without him and he has some hope now so my relief at the suicidal thoughts easing is huge.

thanks for the listening ears and supports, it helps me to process things 🙂

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Sun, 22 May 2016 01:25:25 GMT

Hi Winterfell

You are a wonderful spouse. Im happy your visit went well. If I was your son I would have been upset too. For you to have the foresight to bring a plant for your husband speaks volumes...Mother nature can work wonders.

The meds can be a confusing area. 0-100 can be a symptom of both depression or bi-polar. It is similar to my anxiety levels being so chronic in 1997 my doc have me AD's for it and they have been a godsend in my life even though at the time I didnt have depression.

Feeling safe and accepted at the clinic is another bonus too.

You said "I just keep on loving him and telling him one foot in front of the other
is all we can do, there will be a way out of the dark valley eventually"

You really are a gem...such a caring, thoughtful person that is also wise..

Just my opinion ....Depression/Bi-Polar, Anxiety are all partially physical illnesses. A health professional I was talking to on another post called her depression 'Diabetes of the Brain' Just hearing those simple words took the 'stigma' about my illness away.

It appears you have a great team helping your husband. Excellent. Your clinic is 5 minutes away too! That in itself is a bonus for your husband to know.

Thankyou for having the courage to write back

My Kindest thoughts for you and your family

Advice for family where Dad has depression

topsy_ — Sun, 22 May 2016 02:19:13 GMT

Hi Winterfell,

I'm so glad things are going well for your husband. Just remember to look after yourself during this time. Maybe do something you enjoy after the kids are in bed.

When I was first admitted to a mental health ward, I was so relieved! I could just tell they understood what I was saying & I could tell they knew how to fix me.

I only have depression but they put me on bipolar meds too. They said they would act as a mood stabiliser, which they seem to have done. I'm still on them many years later.

The combo of meds keep me well enough to function & enjoy life, most of the time. Any dips & downs I have are nowhere near as bad as the old days.

I send you, your children & your husband every good wish, Lyn.

Advice for family where Dad has depression

geoff — Sun, 22 May 2016 02:46:19 GMT

dear Winderfell, I am just so pleased for all of you, because it's such a massive step for him to cross that border, but with the help of you, the family and doctors to support him in what you had thought was not achievable, is actually unbelievable, I love it. Geoff. x

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Mon, 23 May 2016 02:59:40 GMT

Bit of a rough time today, I am not sleeping well and when I told my husband he immediately went into self hate, self blame mode. It is difficult as I feel unable to tell him about any of my worries or troubles as he takes them and makes them all about himself, he spent the whole phone call talking about what a burden he is and how he should make the choice to end the relationship for me as its not fair and I dont deserve this. Its incredibly frustrating. Just needed a safe space to vent, thanks

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Mon, 23 May 2016 23:59:22 GMT

Hello Winterfell

That would be rough to hear as you were only having a conversation with your husband. Your husbands' depression was doing the 'talking'. Your loving husband is still there..

Incredibly frustrating is right though...I am glad you feel comfortable with us Winter

My kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Winterfell — Tue, 24 May 2016 03:38:56 GMT

Thanks Paul

he was having a rough day yesterday and I was running on 4 hrs sleep. I cried alot yesterday but I realised I am really missing him and finding it hard managing without him. That to me is something I can look at as a positive about loving him and needing him rather than him being a burden or a worry to me. I have started to look forward and have a positive outlook. I was worried about his work and worried about his irritability and worried about our relationship, all things I cant control. I got a great sleep last night and its made all the difference. We are having a meal out as a family friday night which will be good and I also let my eldest finally have an e-mail account which he e-mailed his dad with straight away!

The sleep issues I have been having I didnt pay proper attention to, its made me realise that i really, really need to look after myself. I needed help with sleep and medication has worked well, i am also making sure I exercise, do my jigsaw puzzles and spend some time in the garden on my non-work days. I am hopeful he is home sooner rather than later as I miss him badly but I am accepting that he needs to be in the clinic as long as he needs to be in the dlinic!

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Tue, 24 May 2016 20:32:31 GMT

Hi Winter

Sorry to hear about your rough day. You are also in an adjustment phase and I see that you have the self awareness to recognise it. There is some great info on caring for someone with depression, just scroll down the bottom of the page and click on 'Supporting someone'

You have so much happening right now caring for the carer is crucial. I see that you have been doing some gardening too...interesting how tending to mother earth can be so therapeutic 🙂 I love my yard. Medication is also good too. I still take a low dose calmative before bed to avoid shallow poor quality sleeps.

"I am accepting that he needs to be in the clinic as long as he needs to be in the clinic!" This is so easy to say as you miss your husband so very much. I just wanted to say well said to you.

This is like a physical illness...no different winter. Depression also has some chemical imbalances happening too which actually make it a physical illness. Your husband is wearing 'crutches' , its just we cant see the crutches..

Your husband is one very fortunate fellow to have a wonderful and loving family 5 minutes away.

You are a very kind and special person WF.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for what you stand for as a spouse and a mum 🙂

Paul

Advice for family where Dad has depression

Carmela — Fri, 27 May 2016 04:42:51 GMT

Hi Winterfell

You have received some great advice, so l don't think l need to add too much more except how to explain mental illness to your children. My husband has depression, and we have a 10-year-old son. I turned to COPMI - Children of Parents with a Mental Illness. They are a not for profit and provide free resources. Type COPMI in Google to locate their site. As a parent, I found their resources amazing.

All the best.

Carmela

Advice for family where Dad has depression

blondguy — Fri, 27 May 2016 04:52:38 GMT

Hi Winter

Just seeing how you are traveling..I know you are busy...and hopefully reasonably okay

Kind Thoughts

Paul