topic How do I help my partner in Supporting family and friends

How do I help my partner

tryingtounderstand1979 — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 05:01:35 GMT

About six months ago I started a new relationship. Things were really amazing, he really is the best man I have ever met. He was caring, gentle, affectionate and always told me how happy I made him. He did all of those little things that people do when they are new in love - random text messages etc. He said things to me such as I had given him a new look on life and that he really enjoyed his time with me. About 2 months ago things changed, and it really did feel as though there was an overnight change. He has become withdrawn, unaffectionate, not interested in sex, but also never gives me a hug or a kiss unless I ask for it. He isn't sleeping properly and often gets up really early to go to work when it isn't necessary, he will not communicate with me and is generally uninterested and distant. He is drinking and gambling heavily.

I know that he has been diagnosed with bipolar and it was quite severe to a point where he was hospitalised for about a month. I have found out that in his previous relationship his girlfriend left him when he became ill. I know all of this from comments made by friends, he has not told me this. He has told his friend previously that he does not need to take medication and that he has researched the topic to a point where he knows how to control it. As I mentioned he has been pulling away from me and wants to break up as he said "he can not continue being in a relationship that he does not feel fully into and that if he cab it find it in himself to act how a partner should then there is no point being there for the sake of it, running ourselves down until someone breaks" I was hurt, angry and confused at the time. He has asked for some space and I have said I respect his need for space. This was before I knew the history with his illness and his previous relationship. I could be wrong but it seems he may be experiencing a low again and he is pushing me away due to the previous experience with his girlfriend leaving. Please can I ask your advice as to how I approach this with him. How long do I give him space for and when I do speak to him again how do I go about saying that now that I know I can support him and we can work through this together. Previously I felt unloved and a burden on him etc, but if I know he is unwell and I know the best way to support him I can be less needy and help him through this so one day we can get back to our happy place.

How do I help my partner

JessF — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 05:07:38 GMT

Hello trying, can I just ask - if you did not know about the bipolar, or the bipolar was not part of the equation, what would you be thinking about the status of the relationship?

How do I help my partner

tryingtounderstand1979 — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 05:17:04 GMT

My feelings towards him have never changed, I have just been struggling to understand why he has become withdrawn and so cold and distant. His behaviours have taken such a drastic change and I have been frustrated that he will not communicate but I still deeply love and care for him and want things to work out.

How do I help my partner

JessF — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 05:22:33 GMT

He is communicating though, he has asked for space and has said he is not "fully into" the relationship. It's quite a common theme on the forums here for people to attribute a relationship breakdown to mental illness when it's, sadly, just a relationship breakdown.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm just not sure why you're not taking what he has said to you at face value.

How do I help my partner

tryingtounderstand1979 — Tue, 20 Oct 2015 06:32:10 GMT

No it isn't harsh, I do understand that point and I am trying to work through that myself. I felt though that he got to this point of not being "fully into a relationship" because he can see that his actions are upsetting me and he is not making me happy.

How do I help my partner

JessF — Fri, 23 Oct 2015 03:52:03 GMT

One thing worth remembering before blaming the bipolar for his decision to end the relationship would be that he also was diagnosed with bipolar when he started the relationship. People with a mental illness are still capable of making their own decisions.