topic Caring for the Carer in Supporting family and friends

Caring for the Carer

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42 — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 03:41:37 GMT

Im really struggling with looking after myself at the moment. Today is a relatively good day and I can talk.

I am currently struggling with my husband's (married 20+ years)infidelity . We are staying together, we love each other and although it stills feels like I'm being ripped apart daily since finding out about his long term mixed 'activities' (of 10yrs) 5 months ago. I am constantly battling rebuilding my trust, my love - all this without no-one knowing apart from my psych. Carrying this burden and putting up a front for my kids, friends, sisters is crippling. I have a very stressful lifestyle and I have formed a great deal of resilience over the years. I'm no stranger to depression but have not chosen to be medicated. It is only now I am feeling the I may need to.

My husband is also battling depression and extreme anxiety and is considering going on a SSRI. He is battling with the guilt of what he has done to me, the shame and he is scared of losing his job, me and everything. I know the adjustment period for taking meds could be really hard for him and I'm not sure I am strong enough to look after myself and him.

I'm scared for him, scared I can't make it, scared of what the future.

Caring for the Carer

Carmela — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 09:08:18 GMT

HiNic71, I am so sorry to read hear that you are having a rough time presently. I am concerned you are carrying quite a load with no family or friends to help you. It is great that you are seeing a Psychologist and l would recommend connecting with a support group if you feel comfortable in sharing your feelings in a non-judgemental environment. Mind Australia and Carers Australia both provide these services.

In relation to your marriage, this of course is a difficult situation for you. It seems from your post you have put others first and taken on their problems and this is the way of a carer, however, l believe its time for you to be a priority. You are no good to anyone including yourself, if you can't get your mental health on track and l am sure as a long term carer you get this. I understand you love your husband, but there is a need now for self care and time for contemplation. He will need to look after himself while you spend your time healing from your husbands activities and making yourself the important focus along with your children. Resilience is a wonderful thing but it too can be tested when affairs of the heart are concerned. Do not feel guilty for YOU time. Its called selflessness and important in a carers survival. The down time will also give you an opportunity to get some clarity on your situation and the best course of action.

As a final note, please reach out to a trusted friend or family member. It's important to share your feelings so you can start your healing process and experience happiness in your life again.

Carmela

Caring for the Carer

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42 — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 11:26:58 GMT

Thank you Carmela for your support,

I don't simply cannot speak to a close friend or family member due to the follow implications that would occur. I can not put myself, my husband and my family through that on top of everything else we're dealing with.

I'm not prepared to go to a support group - I have past experience. It would be very difficult to find one suitable - plus where I live is such a small place, every one is connected quite closely it seems.

Unfortunately Mind Australia does NOT service WA at all and Carers Australia is present here as Carers WA but does not provide specific support but refers to other social services - none of which are adequate for adult mental health. WA mental health support in general is woeful.

i realise I'm sounding defensive but I'm very protective of my family.

my psych is helping and writing here has also helped.

Caring for the Carer

Lightbeam — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 11:53:46 GMT

Just wanted to send my kind thoughts to you Nic71.

I have shared a similar experience to you. Today I uncovered a double life that has existed in my 7 year relationship for the last two years & this was not the first time. I am devastated and can completely relate to the heartbreak you are feeling.

I can echo Carmen's sentiments, looking after yourself is a priority before you can look after others. Also rest in the knowledge that you are not alone on this bumpy ride and there are plenty of us here for support.

Putting on that brave front everyday is exhausting, I have done that too! Don't be afraid to have a good cry every now & then, let it all out! I prefer to do it when I am all alone because I'd be the first to admit, it isn't pretty!

I hope that I have given you some comfort today. My thoughts are with you & your family.

Take care xx

Caring for the Carer

Carmela — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 21:54:19 GMT

I am sorry I was not of much assistance. I understand the small town mentality as l live in one as well and gossip can be a crushing thing.

You can always reach out to the Beyondblue community if it is only to vent your feelings and hopefully relieve some of your pain.

Sending you best wishes Nic71

Caring for the Carer

geoff — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:55:36 GMT

dear Nic, I'm pleased that you now have another avenue where you can talk to other concerned people, but with your husband been involved in 'mixed activities' is a worry for you and eventually will be for your kids as well, because some how theyn will find out.
There have been so many comments lately about the mistrust from their spouse/partner who has been doing 'things' behind their back, and includes your husband, so he has firstly forgotten about his trust for you which you both vowed for, so he has been dishonorable.
To carry this burden with you for so long is heartbreaking, and with it includes any money that he has spent on these other people, that should have been yours, plus any broken committments he may have been promised for you and the children, so it goes deeper than what you actually know, and 10 years is such a long time.
Of course you are going to feel miserable and then depression will then overcome you, and to put on a brave face for all this time is unbearable and exhausting, and perhaps going back onto medication is what you need to speak to your doctor about, but if you were my sister I would suggest that you do start taking them.
People tend to make an excuse that they have done this because they were depressed, but there are other legitimate ways on how to deal with his depression, such as going to his doctor and getting help.
He is the one that has put everything at risk, that was his decision, and to try and apologise won't return the trust you once expected from him, because trust is what we shouldn't have to ever question in a marriage.
The decision on what you need to do is only up to you, but how about talking to your sister and bring her on board so she can help you as well. Geoff. x

Caring for the Carer

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 23:53:24 GMT

Hello Nic71

Its wonderful to see so much caring come your way from the BB Forums.

I read your post and it was heartbreaking for me. I really feel for you and the pain you are and have been going through. Depression is no excuse for your husbands behavior. Its just my very humble opinion here and I understand that he feels much guilt but he has made some deliberate and damaging decisions here not you. Your welfare is paramount here. You are a kind hearted and caring person. Please be kind to yourself Nic71

I hope you can care for yourself and your kids first. All other considerations are secondary

My Kindest wishes for you x

Paul

Caring for the Carer

Bailey13 — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 13:17:47 GMT

Hi,

I am also in a similar situation and feel your pain, I am truly sorry to hear of your silent nightmare Nic71 😞 I just wonder what people mean by 'look after yourself first' because I'm really struggling to do that with kids and a husband that is so riddled with guilt he can't see past his own needs, so pretty much everything revolves around the things he needs to do to look after himself, for example taking time out away from me and the kids. And if I try talk to him about some of the things I need to help me recover from what he's done, like being home and involved in family life more, he gets defensive and I end up feeling guilty for not being understanding or compassionate enough. Just thought someone on this thread might have some specific ideas on how to look after ourselves and put ourselves first with a family to care for?

Caring for the Carer

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42 — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 00:37:41 GMT

Thank you Bailey! Yes you've said some things I haven't been able to quite put my finger on - the balance between caring for him (which is in the best interests of the family) and looking after myself.

we are are a very close family and so is our extended family - we don't give up easily in things. I have made the decision to stay with my husband (even a times I think I'm crazy to) and it is hard, however politely put, that people suggest leaving him.

he is very remorseful and the guilt is tearing him apart. His anxiety for me not coping is also causing a lot of angst.

It's like a viscous circle and I'm not sure what will dissipate it.

my kids are teenagers and I'm very conscious of what this would do to them if they learnt the truth. They know I'm more than just grumpy - one of them heard me sobbing in the bathroom and I told them I wasn't coping (with life in general) it's hard to do that. When they're babies you don't have to have that conversation.

unfortunately months prior to me discovering his other life I was in on the the cusp of extreme stress and depression. Thi has tipped me over to the time I know too well from 15 years ago

Caring for the Carer

Lightbeam — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 02:55:12 GMT

Hi Nic71 & Bailey13

It is such a roller coaster of emotions isn't it?? And to be brutally honest, being put into the positions we have, it really sucks!

From feeling completely numb, the anger, the hurt, the distrust, feeling completely disrespected & the sadness, it can be an overwhelming mix of emotions, can't it? Today, all I want to do is cry. Having put on that brave, stoic face all morning at work (and the past few days), I got in the car to go home, the tears started & haven't stopped!

I wish I could offer more advice to you both right now but I must admit that my thoughts are entirely scattered & just getting through the day is enough.

Sending you both a big, comforting hug because I too know how hard it is to be the "strong" one when a part of your world has crumbled.

My most heartfelt thoughts are with you both xx

Caring for the Carer

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42 — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 04:38:56 GMT

Big comforting hug accepted with gratitude.

Thank you.

ill go have cry now.

Caring for the Carer

Bailey13 — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 10:36:36 GMT

At this point, I too have tried to stay with my husband and work through it. I am seeing a psych and so is he to work through everything as individuals, but I still feel very much like there's a lot we need to say to each other and it's just not happening. Mostly, because of how he misinterprets and over reacts to anything I say. I am really struggling with this because I have a lot to say and a lot of questions to get off my chest. I'm wondering whether your husband manages to have open and deep conversations with you about what happened or how do you look past the elephant in the room? For me, our relationship doesn't seem sustainable if I have to continually hide my emotions and sit in silence out of fear of him either shutting me out or breaking down and not being able to put in the same effort it takes me to discuss this awful situation. We were so close before, best friends, I just don't understand how it got to this and I can't work through it without him meeting me half way. But even still, I feel too guilty to give up and leave him when he's struggling so much emotionally, especially considering he's supported me through seem pretty low/tough times. I never, and would never cheat on him though!

Caring for the Carer

Nickname_16EBF092-F51D-42 — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 06:31:59 GMT

Hello Bailey13.

My husband and I are both having individual counselling and couples counselling. We try and spread it out so we haven't got too much of a counselling burden - if you get what I mean, plus cost! I'm seeing my psych about every 3 weeks. I do get quite anxious before my sessions (both sorts), and it is very draining and emotional during. Afterwards it takes me a day to settle and I'm ok (to a degree).

The couples counselling has been really good as there is a neutral person who can control the situation. We have talked about things quite directly in those sessions that haven't been discussed at other times - we both feel this is like a 'safe house'. It is hard and quite confronting but has been worthwhile. We have another tomorrow ...

I have even gone to see his psych with him as I was quite anxious about what he may have told them. It really helped. It was all done with his permission and that of our psychs.

I can't tell you how many hours we have talked about what happened and about 'us' since it all blew up. We make sure we have the opportunities to talk. There are some things he finds really hard to discuss ... the actual detail of what he did as he is so ashamed and guilty he has caused so much pain. (Unfortunately) I have been very good at investigating what his activities were by looking at skype logs etc. (he knows I looked at his computer and he knows I have closed alot of his online accounts) It hurts like HELL to discover these things but it has helped me 'cleanse' the situation, to get rid of that life.

I would really love to talk to someone who has been through all this and survived, still with their husband, still in love and with regained trust.

Caring for the Carer

Bailey13 — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 12:53:13 GMT

I guess in a way all the guilt and shame our husbands feel is positive as it's a reflection of how sorry they are, but those emotions, along with others, seem to control my husband to the point he doesn't cope with talking about it. Which is making things much harder for me.

The couples counseling and visiting his psych sounds constructive, something to consider, thank you for those suggestions.

I too have had to play detective and found things I just can't seem to get out of my head 😞

I would also love to hear positive stories of marriages surviving this and both husband and wife genuinely happy and maybe even completely healed, if that's a possibility. I go searching on the internet, on forums like this one, trying to find advice and good outcomes to give me hope, but I mostly find the opposite. I am not going to give up without a fight and I can see you aren't either, for that reason I truly hope we both beat the odds! All the best