topic My son has cut me off in Supporting family and friends

My son has cut me off

JC62 — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 10:58:08 GMT

I raised my son and oldest daughter as a single parent after their father and I split when they were 2 and 3 years old. My x-husband had little to do with the kids and only saw them sporadically over the years. They are now 30 and 31yrs. I've now also got a younger daughter (their half sister) with my partner of the last 16 yrs. My problem is that my son has stopped contacting me (though is still in touch with his older sister) and has made it clear he thinks little of me/us. He has only seen his younger sister 5 or 6 times since she was born.He was married last year and we were excluded from any preparations and were only sent an invite 6 weeks before the event. On the day, we were very much in the background and for me it felt like a sad day rather than a celebration. We have a complex family history and over the years, I tried shielding the kids from the difficult issues, but he has been filled in on details by his father and other relatives. He ihas been very angry with me for this on and off over the years and I believe is very bitter. These are not circumstances that I can or anyone else could ever have changed. At times, he has caused a lot of tension between me and family acquaitances by sharing his anger about me and some of this personal information. Im at a loss as to what to do about this situation. I can't appeaL to his wife for help because I don't think she is sympathetic to me (our) situation and I don't want to use her to sort out our problem. Sometimes I think he might one day resolve his anger, but I see that as time is passing, any resolution or reconciliation is less ans less likely. I become very anxious at times knowing I might never see him again. jc

My son has cut me off

white knight — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 06:27:31 GMT

Hi JC62 welcome

Life can be really hard. I sympathise with you. And I dont beleive you can do much to help the situation.

I have the same situation with my youngest daughter 22yo. A poisoned mind from her mothers revenge. And I know there is nothing genuine for her to have such reason.

It took me 5 years to accept that I wont see her again. Since then, about 3 years now, I am happier that I've moved on with my life. I have an older daughter 26yo and she is the love of my life along with my wife of course.

Some things in life is out of our control. I wont do as she has done to me. If my youngest ever contacts me and wants to meet she can. By driving to my home and talking here. I will never go out of my way again merely for the disappointment that comes from it. And if she ever has children.....I've told her "I cant be a grandfather to your children until you are a daughter to me".

So, as hard as it is try to move on. Fill your life with other people. But I would send him a short note "If ever you feel like contacting me to inform me of what I've done wrong to you please do. You know my address. I will always be available for that chat". And leave it at that. Let him be.

Tony WK

My son has cut me off

JC62 — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 06:50:54 GMT

Tony, thank you for your reply. Im sorry to hear of your loss and frustration at not being able to change the outcome with your daughter. Unfortunately, your message is not filling me with much hope. We were a close and loving family and now things have shifted the other way with fractured relationships because my son has issues with me.

I live in hope that things will change because at the moment, I cant bear no hope that my family will be back together again. J

My son has cut me off

Trish_M — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 07:43:54 GMT

Hi JC62,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I have a similar story. I found the reply from white knight to your letter was very helpful for myself too.

The Beyond Blue forums have been an amazing source of strength so please stay in touch, you will receive measured advice from great people. They are spot on as they have "walked the walk" too.

At times when my depression was particularly bad and I was withdrawing from regular social contacts, the forums were a wonderful way of staying in touch with the world in a non threatening way. Great advice, soothing balm for the soul and mind.

Take care JC62.

Kindest regards Trish

My son has cut me off

JC62 — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 08:31:40 GMT

Thank you Trish. I agree, opening up in a non threatening environment is good. I was able to raise things that I can't in a conversation with family or friends. There are so many threads to this that it is hard to articulate and not get dragged down 'what if' paths. Jc

My son has cut me off

white knight — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 10:42:46 GMT

Hi JC62

Of course the ideal answer to your original post was to offer ways to get your son to change his mind. We dont know him nor his grievances. Nor can anyone change another mind.

The other side is if he never comes to you to discuss things. And the years roll on. And the heartache continues. And thats where my post was pointing because if that senario occurs you can do one of two things. You can continue greiving for a person that apparently has little concern for you or you can move on (not fully of course) and save yourself some sanity.

Take care. Tony WK

My son has cut me off

JC62 — Sun, 26 Apr 2015 11:42:16 GMT

Thank you Tony, your advice is reassuring. Jc

My son has cut me off

Pixie15 — Sun, 31 May 2015 10:40:02 GMT

Hi JC62,

I am guessing you are a strong woman. You have raised your children on your own and you are still keen to try and find some way to get through to your son the idea that you love him even though he is not prepared to stay in contact with you. It must be very heartbreaking.

It would seem by the way that he treats me at times that my son hates me. Up till now in his life he has been returning home on a regular basis because he has needed something. In between times if life is going well for him we do not hear a whisper. I believe there will come a day when contact will cease.

I cannot advise you what to do. I am myself working on accepting that I cannot change anyone but myself.

Thanks,

Pixie.

My son has cut me off

hurt — Fri, 30 Jun 2017 06:38:48 GMT

Hi Pixie,

I have just joined this forum and not sure how it works really. I agree with you that "we can't change anyone but ourselves", and I learned this years ago when I got divorced.

I too have an estranged son, as of last November after having a great relationship with him all his 38 years, so much so that I would tell people that my son and I "spoke the same language". About six years ago he met his wife and they married in 2013 and moved to Queensland where her family lived. Since then they moved to Brisbane and I live in Sydney. I helped him financially with his first house and then when he sold it two years ago I let him keep the money I had loaned him - a generous amount. His wife was unable to tolerate a pregnancy due to ill health and a friend offered to carry a surrogate for them, which they did, a boy being born in June 2016, at great expense!

When I saw my son last he was nasty to me, and among other things, brought up the fact "that I took him away from his father" - 30 years prior, which he had never mentioned ever before ! which was when I divorced his father, who beat me the whole 15 years we were together, a fact my son has been told. He then asked me to pay his tax bill. After speaking to my accountant, he said I couldn't afford that so I offered a lesser amount to my son. I also sent a blunt letter suggesting he ask his father who has wafted in and out of his life and given very little financially, as far as I can gather. I then had the $100 I gave as a xmas gift returned. I was very upset and saw a psychologist who suggested a softer letter which I sent in March.

I decided to offer an apology for being a bad mother as he said he was very unhappy in his teen years when I was a sole parent. I also spoke to his brother who is two years younger and he remembered our life as I remembered our life and he said he didn't need an apology.

I decided in the beginning that I would always be there for my two boys and be "the rock" in their life but I believe my son has been totally poisoned by his wife. I believe she wants total possession of him and has gone out of her way to alienate him. To me this shows her insecurity which I can't change. What's more I can't change anyone else so I must just wait and hope that he comes to see things differently but I don't hold out much hope.

Any suggestions?

hurt

My son has cut me off

white knight — Fri, 30 Jun 2017 09:24:01 GMT

Interesting topic.

For many parents we find it impossible to disown our children. We even apologise when no apology is justified. This is because we go to extraordinary lengths to give our children peace and love. To deprive them of a parent, ourselves is to harm them.

I've toyed with this for many years with my youngest daughter now 24. Last year her treatment of me was disrespectful after many years of separation from my life. So what to do? What is the best avenue to take?

Its a decision you alone must make but this is what I've decided.

I will not disown her on the basis that -it would cause me more internal hurt, it would mean I'll never be able to guide her and it isnt humane. So, I will allow her to visit me at my place, nowhere else. (Because I've travelled and she hasnt showed up). If she ever has children she cant bring them. This is due to the hurt me and her children would feel if the likely happens and she breaks off again. If she attends I would not hold back on my real thoughts and beliefs. I would not be negotiable on emotional abuse of which she has adopted from her mother.

So, thats my stand.

Once over say 22yo they are real adults and they have to grow up and treat people with respect....including their parents.

Tony WK

My son has cut me off

hurt — Fri, 30 Jun 2017 11:09:41 GMT

Thanks Tony. I hear what you say!

You talk of a daughter, mine is a son and much older - now 38. Yes, boys take a long time to mature.

But the nastiness! He was and is such an easygoing, friendly and likeable guy - others have often said so!

He has changed so much towards me. I don't know how he seems towards others.

I'll sleep on this and write later but I don't want to spend my final decade - or however long is left - without this person , my first son, whom I had such a connection, with no contact because of a vicious, possessive wife.

Perhaps I had better accept it is a life sentence? What do you think Tony?

hurt

My son has cut me off

white knight — Fri, 30 Jun 2017 12:01:08 GMT

Hi hurt,

Time is an incredible thing. He might mature, she might leave him, he might realise he was nasty...things change. To consider a conclusion is to condemn your life. It is really over reacting when in a year or five things might change.

If they dont, in the meantime, you should plan your life without him. Join more activities and keep busy. One single lady near us volunteers 2 days a week at the salvoes. Another became a foster mum. My guess is my time here on this forum is in excess of 20 hours a week. While I'm helping here, most of my posts I type means I'm not dwelling on my lost daughter.

The bottom line is, you cant change peoples mind. He has his own choices....and you have yours.

Please google

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

TonyWK

My son has cut me off

hurt — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 00:18:08 GMT

Yes Tony, I am doing what you say as I realized two years ago when I retired that I must make female friends in particular to mix with and enjoy life. And yes, I am about to start volunteering at a radio station, which
sounds like something I will enjoy immensely.

Further to my sons, I don't like to feel powerless and I wonder if I should change my will, as that is really the
only positive action I can think of. Of course wills can be changed if the circumstances change and it may make me feel better?

Speaking to friends, they suggested that if I left the majority of my estate to the younger son, this may spark a
disaster between them and alienate one from the other, or the younger could just share it half/half anyway - which didn't happen to me and my brother who thought the whole was his alone.

Like many parents I spent my life trying to hang onto my money and have something to hand on to them which may make their lives easier. I also gave both of them enough for a deposit on a house in Sydney back in the
"noughties", as I felt that is when they needed it most, not when I am dead. I am so disappointed and sad about this rift.

Earlier this year after the rift I told the younger son, who of course already knew, and he said "but it won't last forever". A female friend of mine in her mid 40's also said the same thing. This was a surprise to
me and it must be a regular way of hurting someone which I am not used to. I learnt to voice one's thoughts and talk about problems and I just wish others were able to do this. The wife has learned the technique of shut out and silence as punishment, it's just new to me.

The psychologist I saw suggested I just keep sending birthday gifts and cards as usual. Do you agree? Also I was unfriended from fb of course, so I don't get to know anything about my only grandson and have no more pictures as he grows. My second son has obviously been told not to speak about his older brother or his family so that I get no information. Most of all, I miss my son.

I am flying to Brisbane in three weeks time to stay with the younger and
his wife but don't expect to see the other family.

Your thoughts please,

hurt

My son has cut me off

hurt — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 06:36:16 GMT

Hi Tony,

I have read worry ..... but don't feel I am a "worrier", I'm just sad and can't help thinking of my son from time to time. He was such a bright, happy and likable guy with a great sense of humor whereas my second son is quite different and more of a "geek", a different kind of brain functioning there, completely different personality and not so easy to love as he has "prickles".

I await your comments on my earlier missive today,

hurt

My son has cut me off

white knight — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 11:18:13 GMT

Hi Hurt,

Sorry I havent been around, I've missed some posts lately and havent been 100% myself.

Anyway, I think your psych is partially right about gifts and cards. I would only send cards. Birthdays and anytime you feel loving towards your son and grandchild. Not gifts. Your act of love inside a card is the best gift you can give....if its appreciated. A gift isnt going to sway him. Knowing you are still around and thinking of him might one day create a spark.

I have two daughters. My eldest married lamonth. My youngest 24, came back into my life 12 months ago after a 10 year absence. I was unaware she came back only so she could attend her sisters wedding. She tried to force me in getting my eldest to make up with her. My eldest makes up her own mind. Anyway my youngest mistreated me and disrespected me. She has left my life yet again. But this time i havent cared. Why?

Because I have drawn a line in the sand. I dont deserve to be disrespected and wont tolerate it. I also have developed a "concentrate on what I have and not what I dont have" mentality.

It works. I have a daughter that lives me and has respect. And she gets back the same. My youngest has decided to adopt her mothers attitude of hurt and manipulation. Its why I divorced her mother. So why would I tolerate it from anyone else.

Drawing a line in the sand means you have standards and values for others to abide by. Children included.

Tony WK

My son has cut me off

hurt — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 23:03:45 GMT

I did miss your presence Tony. I hear what you say about cards and not presents and I guess the only presents I would send to an adult interstate is a gift card, so I may leave these out as you suggest. But for my one and only grandson I may continue to send presents as well.

What do you think about my will change? To me it seems the only action I can take and I am not one to sit back without a reaction - but I do not want to cause any conflict between the brothers. Also, if I was to die I would hate to think that my son and his wife would get half my estate (a house), after being so mean to me.

I await your wise words,

hurt

My son has cut me off

white knight — Thu, 06 Jul 2017 01:21:19 GMT

Hi Hurt

The matter if wills is really a matter for your own decusion with the guidance if a qualified lawyer. Personally I'd seek the same advice and guidance.

Fields of qualified expertise are sometimes needed in some areas.

Cheers

Tony WK

My son has cut me off

hurt — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 23:07:27 GMT

I just found out yesterday that I am to meet my son next Saturday evening in Brisbane. We are to have a family dinner at a restaurant and both my sons and wives are to attend, and I presume that my one year old grandson will be there too, but I won't be surprised if he isn't there either.

I'll post after this event,

hurt

My son has cut me off

hurt — Tue, 25 Jul 2017 23:25:27 GMT

Hi Tony,

I visited Brisbane on the weekend and stayed with my younger son and his wife. On Saturday evening it was arranged that my estranged son, his wife and child of 13 months would meet with us all at a restaurant. They had arrived earlier and my son was installed in the corner with his wife next to him and they were unable to greet us with a hug.

Daughter-in-law was very nervous the whole time and when addressed would give a short answer with a turn of the head towards me, all the while attending to the child. My son was at first distant but after a short time settled to seeming normal towards me.

D-i-l looked daggers at my second son when I asked how her mother was coping with cancer as my second son told me of that diagnosis, something I hadn't known of earlier. I think it was supposed to be "not my business". Unfortunately mother-in-law has moved in with them - due to her illness. Also d-i-l has been unable to return to work also, due to illness. Poor son - he seems to be "between a rock and a hard place". I feel so sorry for him!!! Surely a man's worst nightmare - as m-i-l was not a favorite with the daughter or my son.

I asked if I could take a picture of my son and his child and indeed there were pictures taken of him with child and wife and me with him and child.

I phoned him Monday and received a text back with thanks for the gifts I gave. It seems I must continue to be frozen out for a while yet and not spoken to.

At least the ice was broken,

hurt