topic Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety? in Supporting family and friends

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 16:35:49 GMT

Hi Everyone and any New Posters are very welcome!

I have noticed some new threads from people with depression/anxiety who have a partner that has little or no tolerance/understanding of their illness. I have been treated like I have a highly contagious virus when I mention to a partner that I have Depression/Anxiety. I just want wanted to know if anyone else has or is being treated the same way...(FYI... I have had Anxiety/Depression since 1983...The anxiety has faded away and the Depression has been around since 2000...and will be with me for life)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

geoff — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 19:04:01 GMT

hi Paul, well at first yes, but after awhile no, unless you try and end your life, then yes again, but eventually that fades away to being on your own and struggle on by yourself. Geoff.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Guest_5218 — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 22:11:38 GMT

That's simple - no. I have anxiety (ptsd and some ocd) and occasional depression (related to chronic pain through a long term injury). My partner does not believe in depression / anxiety. So why or how could he be supportive of someone with it. As a result we never discuss it, never make allowances for it. We basically ignore it's existence. Although I dont get lonely as such, I do often feel alone because of this. There is a difference! And I just feel as though I am battling alone every day without understanding or support from the home front.

Another very thoughtful thread Paul. Thankyou. ( - :

Sherie xx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Carmela — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 09:33:59 GMT

Hi, I have been supporting my husband who has depression for 18 years. It is difficult to truly understand what mental illness is like if you haven't experienced it and l believe one has the wear the shoes to understand its impact on your mind and heart. I have watched my husband go from being a perfectly happy and vibrant man to a total recluse with no capacity to feel. I grieve for him and our marriage through each episode. It saddens my heart to watch this and understand what is going on in his mind.

Over the years, l have had to educate myself on depression and as his carer, I don't always get it right. I have made mistakes and said words that l just could not take back out of frustration and anger, but it is the total ignorance of some family and friends where l have a real problem. Only compassion and education will rectify how people treat others with mental illness and it takes organisations like Beyondblue to assist in this process along with each of us to show courage and start the conversation. My wish is to one day see the world a more compassionate place where mental illness is accepted and talked about as much as cancer.

I am not sure whether l have answered your question Paul but these are my thoughts anyway.

Cheers, Carmela x

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Lightbeam — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 10:32:44 GMT

Hi everyone!

Agree that we need to educate ourselves as carer's & as kind, compassionate human beings to overcome the stigma of mental illness. As someone who has loved a partner with depression, anxiety & PTSD for seven years, I tried & I tried so hard to be the best support I could. Today he broke my heart (again) when I uncovered a massive web of lies he feels that he is not accountable for. I know that he is hurting too but I cannot give anymore nor accept his behaviour when he is unwilling to acknowledge that he needs help.

My thoughts are a little over the shop at the moment to be perfectly honest but I am ever so grateful to have found this wonderful group of people so willing to share their knowledge & experiences from both sides of the coin. I have learnt so much from you all.

Even though my relationship is done, I feel that my journey as an advocate for mental health is just beginning.

It has been the most challenging & heartbreaking journey.

Thank you all so, so much again for sharing, listening & not judging. Even though that right now I need to take time & space to grieve & comprehend my current situation, I will not be a stranger to this space.

With kindness & gratitude 🙏🏻

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

pvroom — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 10:33:22 GMT

I am lucky, and I guess my husband is lucky too. He has depression, I have anxiety. We both support each other fully. Maybe because there are some shared experiences, although they are very different.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:06:07 GMT

Dear Geoff.....You have also just described my life story as well in your reply. Especially about eventually ending up on your own and having to struggle on your own. So very common and sadly true....My partners have found the low points of my depression 'all too hard' ....Thankyou Geoff

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:32:01 GMT

Dear Sherie...When I read that your partner doesnt believe in anxiety/depression made me very sad. This mentality would make anyones recovery extremely difficult.However I know you are an achiever for having the strength and the guts to go out and heal yourself Sherie. His attitude would make me feel isolated not just alone.Your strength and coping skills are to be admired

Paul xx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:46:09 GMT

Hi Carmela! Thankyou for replying too!

What a wonderful and inspiration post. You are incredibly strong by being such an understanding and supportive carer. You have made so many great points I will quote one you mentioned "Only compassion and education will rectify how people treat others with mental illness" So very true and as you mentioned its great that BB is a great vehicle that can provide some clarity and reduce the ignorance where mental illness is concerned.

For you to watch your husband slowly fall into the precipice of depression would be heartbreaking. You have a huge heart and great courage Carmela.

Thankyou for an informative and well articulated post

My Kindest thoughts to you and your husband

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 23:03:15 GMT

Hello Lightbeam...........A great reply and thankyou. You have also been through a great deal as a partner trying so very very hard to help and be there but to no avail. I am so sorry that your partner is not accepting responsibility for the untruths you have discovered. That would be soul destroying for you Lightbeam.

One of the main reasons I started this topic was the frequent new posts I kept responding to from people like yourself that have a partner that wont acknowledge he needs help. I know you feel for him but his behavior and denial are not justified even with his illness.

You cant help someone that is unwilling to help themselves as you know Lightbeam

You have a lot to deal with right now. You have a huge heart and have been very supportive of your partner. You need some TLC too. It would be great to have a chat soon. You are an inspiration Lightbeam

My Kindest Thoughts

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 23:22:43 GMT

Hey pvroom

You and your husband are fortunate to both be there for eachother...even though both facets of the illness have their own dreadful symptoms that go with them. Thats a nice reply and thankyou pvroom for replying too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Starwolf — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 00:04:17 GMT

Hi dear Paul 🙂

We find our low points hard to cope with. The sad fact is that they often are harder on those around us. Partners may feel they are denied a more stable life and want to quit and move on in search of it. Facing a lifetime of instability within a relationship is not for everybody. Even when equipped with sound knowledge, caring for someone affected by mental illness requires inner strength, endurance, a capacity for service and self-sacrifice. This combination of qualities is not easy to come by in one person.

I agree with Carmela that education and compassion are paramount but in the long run, they may not be enough. It all boils down to personal resources. These can easily be depleted by long-term commitment to an emotionally unwell partner.

There is a stigma attached to mental issues. Even though education is available, not everyone will want to go there, it is found too disturbing. So much so that number of people hang on for dear life to the belief that it doesn't exist. Denial is their way of suppressing what they cannot cope with. Sherie's husband is a typical example.

Finding a committed lifetime partner is a privilege at the best of times. Finding one when suffering mental illness is a rare gift. Not impossible but a somewhat unrealistic expectation. No need to give up hope, but leaving it on the back burner and getting on with life seems like the way to go.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Carmela — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 03:03:42 GMT

Thank you Paul. Your words mean a lot.

Blessings always...xxx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Lightbeam — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 03:55:22 GMT

Thank you so much for your kind words & thoughts Paul, I really appreciate them.

Feeling very overwhelmed right now & just breathing through each & every moment as it is.

Bit lost for words really with your response, it has truly made my day a little brighter!

So much appreciation! xx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 03:58:42 GMT

Dear Starwolf An intelligent and understanding perspective and thankyou 🙂 I really do echo what you said about relationships best left on the back burner. I am kind to myself where a partner is concerned....whatever will be will be. I still (depression allowing) look after my mum who has dementia and a friend that has newly diagnosed anxiety and depression after developing abdominal adhesions post gall bladder removal surgery.

You said "Denial is their way of suppressing what they cannot cope with" This is so true Star. I have known many professionally employed people that are aware and have knowledge of mental illness but consider it 'not in the company's best interests' to hire/retain a sufferer with depression. I have also been told that having a senior staff member with depression 'restricts our ability to move forward' I do pity these directors and HR heads

I Love your posts Starwolf (and you keeping the memory of your beautiful dog alive) xx

CARMELA.......No worries and your kind thoughts are appreciated 🙂 xx

Paul

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Starwolf — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 23:16:20 GMT

Thanks Paul,

You're doing a terrific job, looking after your loved ones. I know what caring for others while "not firing on all cylinders" feels like. You're a gem.

I agree with you. How can a Cie move forward if its directors can't move forward themselves from bias and prejudice ?

Hope today treats you as kindly as you deserve.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 23:44:47 GMT

Good Morning Starwolf

Your beautiful and heartfelt thoughts mean more to me now than you may realise 🙂

What a beautiful cute little dog you have 🙂

Just on how cruel some sections of Corporate Australia can be..........I have been made to sit in a boardroom and sign a disclaimer that my depression will not have any legal ramifications towards the company. Present were the directorate....Human Resources Managers...and their legal team....I never signed it. I calmly resigned and called a taxi........

Paul xx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Starwolf — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 02:53:27 GMT

Wow ! How thoughtless and demeaning...well done for walking off with your head held high. So proud of you ! You're a man after my own heart.

You're so right, some people and environments are way too polluting. Nothing good can be achieved by hanging around to breathe in their toxic fumes. Sad thing is, your withdrawal will have been misjudged as confirmation of your suspected instability...not a proud man's noble response. Too far removed from their own mindscape to be understood. These people didn't deserve you, their loss.

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

blondguy — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 21:28:42 GMT

Good Morning Star and thankyou for your kind understanding....Corporate Australia has a long way to go....I hope you have a great weekend 🙂

Paul xx

Is your Partner Supportive of Your Depression/Anxiety?

Lightbeam — Sat, 14 May 2016 09:05:17 GMT

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to revisit this post, when Paul started it last month, I had just discovered my now ex-partner (who suffers from PTSD, depression & anxiety) was leading a double life. He has been completely in denial about his responsibilities to me, our relationship and his mental health. Although I am now over the initial shock, the hurt just sits so deep within & I am struggling with my own overwhelming emotions.

While I understand the way he behaves (currently reading an amazing book regarding trauma & it's effect on the brain) and can feel so much compassion towards him & the pain he is dealing (or maybe NOT dealing) with, I won't condone his behaviour.

I am struggling at the loss of our relationship, his lies, the inability to even consider how his actions have affected me, his selfishness & the goading of "hate me, hate me" & the guilt I feel over not being able to get him the help he needs. I am also really concerned about his current well-being & dread the possibility of getting the call to say he has taken his life, a threat he has often made & in times when he is ok, we have discussed the impact this act would have on those who love him. I have ceased any contact with him as I just can no longer take anymore of his darkness on board. Close friends who are aware of his mental health struggles are keeping check on him.

I am focusing on looking after my own well-being & am currently struggling with what emotion to deal with first, it is such a roller-coaster.

I have posted on this particular thread because of the previous participation of both carer's & sufferers & really value the feedback from both sides.

The impact that mental health has on everyone is monumental. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so deeply and it is really hard making (and sticking) with the decision to walk away because there is absolutely nothing more you can do, ultimately, the responsibility lies with them.

Thanks for listening!