topic My Partner has anxiety in Supporting family and friends

My Partner has anxiety

CraigMc — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 03:31:37 GMT

Good Afternoon all,

Just want to discuss with others out there who are living with a partner who is suffering from anxiety. I have unwaivering support for my partner and do as much as I can for her and my family, however, she is constantly saying I am the cause of her anxiety. I attempt to talk to her about this, but I feel I am not getting anywhere..what else can I do?

My Partner has anxiety

JessF — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 03:52:29 GMT

Hello Craig, I don't have a partner with anxiety but I am an anxiety sufferer myself. I'll ask you some questions first of all, so I can get a better idea of what is going on. Is your partner getting any kind of professional treatment for her anxiety? And does she give any reason why she feels you are the cause of her anxiety?

My Partner has anxiety

CraigMc — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:02:29 GMT

Hi Jess

I have an ex wife and a son from that marriage and my partner beliestand up to her believes I do not stand up to her enough in regards to the custody of my son...she believes I bow down to her in regards to everything.

From my perspective this is not the case, however, when I try to discuss she does shut me down.

My Partner has anxiety

JessF — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:13:14 GMT

Hello Craig, based on what you have said above, this sounds more like a communication and boundaries issue within your relationship rather than something related to anxiety as such. If your partner is indeed suffering from anxiety, there will very likely be a lot more going on for her to trigger the anxiety than just this particular situation. Is she getting any treatment at all, as in seeing a counsellor?

My Partner has anxiety

CraigMc — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:17:46 GMT

Yes she is seeing a counsellor

Every day things that we all go through ie Money issues, Late Bills etc are a major event and cause a massive strain.

I am the main income earner and lately I am now the main carer for the kids, bathing and feeding them, pick ups and drop offs from school / childcare and entertaining them on weekends.

This may sound very selfish but it is all becoming too much and to be blamed every day that I am the cause is heartbreaking

My Partner has anxiety

JessF — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:29:26 GMT

Hello Craig, I don't think you sound selfish at all and it sounds like you need some extra support for yourself. Is there anyone else in your family that can help you out with the children?

I imagine you have done this already with your attempts to talk with her about why she is blaming you, but have you asked her outright what she would like you to do to support her more? You could gently point out that you understand she has an anxiety condition and you are not blaming her, and that you are already doing all the things you list above. What else would she like you to do?

Anxiety and depression has a nasty way of making us say things that we don't mean and lash out at those closest to us in a very unfair way. This doesn't justify the behaviour of course, but it may help take some of the sting out of her words for you.

In counselling your partner should be learning about her anxiety triggers and how to deal with them. If those triggers are related to things you are doing, then some open honest communication has to happen around those to allow either (a) you to change your behaviour or (b) if that is not possible, for her to accept that there are some things that cannot be changed, like for example your relationship with your ex-wife around your children, which in my opinion is not her business. If your ex-wife were being rude or difficult with her I could understand, but I don't see how that particular arrangement is affecting her.

The blame game helps no-one. Try and let her know that you are interested in talking about solutions, but you will not accept blame for things over which you have no control.

My Partner has anxiety

CraigMc — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:44:23 GMT

Thanks Jess...

I want her to get better and given the constant blame I see only one solution. I need to end the relationship to see if this improves the situation

It may sound harsh but i do want her to get better...the ex wife will always be there as we have a child, I cannot be expected to be the main income earner and carer etc.

My Partner has anxiety

JessF — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:47:31 GMT

Hello Craig, have you ever raised that possibility in your discussions with her? Not in an accusatory or threatening or lashing out way, but to simply ask the question: if I am the cause of your anxiety, would you like me to leave? How would she respond to that?

My Partner has anxiety

CraigMc — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:54:53 GMT

yes and she tells me to go, then if i do go I am abandoning her and our kids

I am in a no win situation.

My Partner has anxiety

JessF — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 04:57:11 GMT

Have you ever discussed having counselling together?

My Partner has anxiety

Dden — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 05:07:56 GMT

I would recomand giving positive feedback but don't over do it. I suffer anxainty and depression. It's because I failed everything in life. I call my dad , dad, I call my mum ,mum but they calls me every hurt full word in both English and Indian. But never been called son, and always pushed away.

But there's is one thing that gets me by in life is love and positive feedback. Which is what I got I started help in my church. The pastor calls me son, my peers n elders give me postive feedback. Which new to me . But it helps me get thought life by a little.