topic Please help us help our girl in Supporting family and friends

Please help us help our girl

Net — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 09:17:19 GMT

We have a beautiful 16 year old girl who has suffered with depression and anxiety since 13 and is progressively getting worse. We have seen 3 different GP's, 2 psychiatrist and 4 psychologist. All say that she cannot be helped until she is willing to open up and receive help. She has never been on medication. I have rang Head space and they say bring her to the office but she doesn't want to go. Her behaviour has been nasty, disrespectful and we are feeling that the situation is out of our control. We have taken her phone and internet access as a consequence for behaviour. Are we doing the right thing? I woke up at 2am today and cried for hours. Any advice would be appreciated - we just want our girl to be happy!

Please help us help our girl

Paul — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 10:27:22 GMT

Hi Guest_8661,

I can only imagine it's heart wrenching to want to help your baby girl and she doesn't want help. I think I'd find myself in the same situation wanting desperately to help and feeling helpless. Big hugs to all of your family.

Sometimes the instinct to help can push us hard then we push hard on those we try to help. It can go bang, especially with a teenager. Would a softly softly approach work?

Do you know why your girl doesn't want help? Is she scared? Denies anything is wrong?

I wonder if a gentle heart to heart would work if you haven't already tried? A lot of listening which can be really difficult when all we want to do is help.

What are your thoughts?

Paul x

Please help us help our girl

hope4joy — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 10:37:22 GMT

Hi Guest 8661,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it is for you and your daughter right now. Its really lovely to hear much you care about her and how you are trying to help. I think Lats made lots of good suggestions.

One thing that popped into my mind is whether your daughter has a passion for anything? like maybe animals, or art, or dance, or music, or.... There are some therapists out there who have different approaches that incorporate these things... I wonder if your daughter might find it easier to talk through a more indirect means like art or animals?

Sending you kindness at this difficult time,

Christina

Please help us help our girl

Net — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 19:44:24 GMT

Thank you Paul and Christina for your response - very appreciated.

We have tried many different techniques to try and reach her. I do have to remind myself that I need to let her know how much I love her even when she treats me appallingly.

She is a very capable person - good at drawing, use to read a book a week & use to be a very high achiever, I now believe that she gets angry at herself and does not know how to get out of the rut she is in. She has lost all motivation, its hard to get her out of bed most days.

I believe that she thinks that seeking professional advice will not help as its hasn't helped her in the past. I have explained that you need to keep trying other resources but I'm her mum so what would I know.

I think our girl needs to be out of our household as I think we make the situation worse, but where would she go? We don't have extended family that can help - they are as lost as we are. We are concerned that our relationship with her (which is very bad) as affected our younger child. My family life is so dysfunctional, there are days I want to escape and run away but i know that it would not help. We are seeking help separately.

I keep waiting for a miracle solution! I know it's a step by step process.

My greatest fear that she will seriously hurt herself and I'll be sitting next a hospital bed (or worse). Do we sit and wait until we reach this point? Feeling very helpless.

As bad as our situation is - feels better putting it in writing and know that caring people are reading our situation are trying to help.

Please help us help our girl

jayvee — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 23:37:54 GMT

Hi, your family is in EXACTLY the same situation that I have experienced, as a single mum of two girls, with my now 20 year old daughter so I can totally relate to what you are going through. Her depression began when she was approaching 16, many self harm days, calling the CAT team in, psychiatrist and psychologist appointments, Headspace visitis - all to really no avail.

How did my daughter eventually get back on track? I moved to a different town, with my younger daughter. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. She was 18. Was extremely difficult for her and us, but we all managed. The turning point came when she got a job. It was enough to build her self esteem up enough to cope better with life. Moving away was probably the best thing I could have done, for her. I often found myself overworrying about her and maybe smothering her?

I cannot give you advice but can share what worked for myself and my daughter.

. Open, honest and trusting relationship ALWAYS.

. Constantly let her know that you love her and are there for her 24/7.

. Do not be judgmental or criticising EVER!

. Yes, find her a passion that she can fill her time with - eg. hobby, part time work. - something that can possibly make her feel good about herself.

. Encourage her to exercise - this took me a long time to get through to my daughter, but when she did and did regularly the positive results mentally were amazing.

. Try and have some social media exclusion time. I know that this is easier said than done, but I swear this is a major cause of depression in the younger generation.

. If she likes animals and hasn't already got one - a cat or a dog can have absolutely amazing benefits.

. As almost impossible it is a lot of the time - you yourself portray a positive attitude. Negativity will bring her down even more.

. I would ask my daughter each day how she was feeling by giving me a score out of ten. Quick question and easy for her to answer. Then I knew whether she was doing good or not so good.

Thats about all I can think of right now. I hope that you might gain at least one little bit of useful info from this.

Again, I know exactly what you are going through - and it is hell - for yourselves and your daughter. You must remember to look after yourself through all of this too!!

Here fore you any time 🙂

Please help us help our girl

Net — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 08:59:38 GMT

Thank you Jayvee - your response gave me hope which I so needed.

I'm so glad that you and your girl are on the other side of mental illness.

I have said on numerous occasions that our girl needs to live or move away from the home environment (though it would be painful to see her go). I think she believes we are the cause to her problems and is not capable to see the big picture. She is only 16 so moving away is not a good option. I would happily take a loan to send her to a clinic for a period of time but I don't know of such a place.

Thanks for your responses - they do help.

Please help us help our girl

hope4joy — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 22:24:04 GMT

Hi Net,

I just wanted to pop in to say that I've been reading this thread and I really feel for the situation you are currently in, in trying to help your beautiful daughter but not knowing how to. I wish I had more ideas or knowledge of services. I am wondering if there is some sort of carers support group for yourself? - to connect with other parents whose children are suffering mental illness and all the strains it places on the family unit? and ideas on how to navigate through. I have seen carer support groups advertised.

I guess it makes it hard that your daughter is not yet 18, in terms of accessing services. I don't know if private hospitals accept children? Or if this is the sort of environment that would be beneficial?

Maybe others may have suggestions on residential or intensive day-patient services to help a 16 year old?

Kindness, Christina

Please help us help our girl

Paul — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 23:19:15 GMT

Hiya Net

Perhaps call the beyond blue helpline - they might be able to refer you. Also a chat with a child or adolescent psychologist just by yourself might help to uncover some things that can help to get your daughter to open up a little and take a small step towards some help.

I know it's difficult. If this was one of my nephews I'd want to go and carry them to help.

Something you have said multiple times now is that you would like to see your daughter move away, even though it would hurt, as you think she believes you are the cause of her problems. What leads you to believe this? What leads you to believe that being away from her would be the best thing?

Paul xx

Please help us help our girl

es030609 — Sun, 21 Feb 2016 04:48:43 GMT

Hi Net

I am sorry to hear of your situation. Your post has brought a tear to my eye.

We are currently experiencing similar behaviour in our daughter who is 12. She just started high school, is a high achiever and has recently been referencing suicidal thoughts and 'hating' us.

I hope you don't mind but I would like to follow your post as it may assist us?

Our first step is speaking with her year advisor tomorrow, then maybe Headspace also.

Good luck and i feel your pain - i don't know where my baby has gone.

Please help us help our girl

exhaustedmum — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 03:17:16 GMT

Following also as in an identical situation to es030609. Although been battling school refusal for over 3 years. Wishing you, Net and es030609, all the very best , hope you find your needed answers.

Please help us help our girl

blondguy — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 04:05:45 GMT

Dear Net

Without repeating the help above...this is only a 'though' for you..

Recently I visited my daughters school psychologist for...My daughter was 15 at the time...The psychologist mentioned that the girls behavior during their hormonal adjustment is worse than the boys...far worse..

The problem here is your daughters anxiety/depression...It would be very difficult to draw a line between the 'belligerent' behavior with a non anxiety sufferer and your daughters behavior.

I used to take my daughters phone away when she swore at me..It helped somewhat...

What really worked was ignoring the bad behavior...This was very difficult to do...so I had no reaction to her when she spat the dummy anymore....ie: not feeding the fire. Your daughter wants a reaction...and she gets one.I am not sure if this would work with your daughter but it did here...

I think Paul (2nd from top) is spot on...with the gentle heart...or fixing her the anger with kindness (and being absolutely deaf when she fires up...she should become bored and walk away...should)

I feel like I am fumbling here a bit Net...please forgive me as its close to my heart...

* Is she by herself at lunchtime...recess? Or is she with a friend(s)?

* Do you have a school counselor?

* She may be having difficulty coping socially at school....try to find out if poss...

* The 'attitude' may require heaps of TLC ....thankyou Jayvee...

I have had depression/anxiety for many years Net. Try to approach the issue (if you wish to...) from a non anxiety point of view...just incase it is 'not fitting in' at school or the change in hormones. You cant fix everything at once....be gentle to yourself Net...

I agree with taking away privileges but its not working...Kids have it tougher nowadays than we did....Be gentle with her give her toys back...and (if you can) later if she gets nasty...just turn around and walk away....gently. I used to pretend I was 'bored' when my daughter started up..I actually had the bored look on my face...You have nothing to lose and everything to gain Net...I hope you can diffuse the situation....

Your daughter sounds very fragile...(the attitude is a pain but a cry for help Nat) ...be Kind & Gentle with her and to yourself of course.....

I hope you can post back if you want to 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Please help us help our girl

pipsy — Mon, 29 Feb 2016 05:23:22 GMT

Hi Net. When I first read your post, my initial thought was, at 16 she'd be in about year 10/11. Her school work load would be pretty massive. Is she generally quite popular. I'm wondering if she's being cyber bullied and too scared to tell anyone. Taking her phone and internet access could make school work difficult, a lot of their schoolwork today means they need access to the internet. Perhaps you could find a way of asking her what she's studying, if this is causing her concern. Another avenue to think about: Kids helpline. Not sure what the phone number is, maybe someone here on the forums might know. With kids helpline, she could talk on the phone without leaving the house. If she's being bullied in any way, she would be terrified of letting anyone know she's going to Head space. Her anger, lashing out general behaviour could be self attack but she needs someone to lash out at, so you're the target. She sounds terrified of people in general. Does she have any real close friends who could shed some light on her problem. Keep letting her know how much you love and want to help her. School counsellors are usually pretty good too, but, if she is being bullied, that would be the last place she'd want to go. Try phoning Kids help line. Let her know she doesn't have to leave the house to talk to them. Once she knows she can talk safely at home, she may open up a bit.

All the best.