topic Seeing him for the last time, what should I say? in Supporting family and friends

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

droth — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 19:32:40 GMT

Hi, I am heartbroken because my boyfriend of a year broke up with me last week and the thing is I think his depression is coming back. He had always been a person who was fine with being alone and doing things by himself (only child) but the past year we practically spend every day together and it had been fine. Recently he tried to break up with me but came back and now he's breaking up with me again. In retrospect a lot of things were red flags, such as he's living in a stressful enviornment, worried about school and the future (he stresses out about these things internally and he's a very reserved and headstrong person, saying that he needs to find strength within himself). He also said he had no libido but still loved me and just needed time to decompress. I know he won't have time with all these things going on and he doesn't have many close friends he can talk to. After reading the forum I have seen that a depressed person would likely think breaking up is the solution, but the adviceis to stay with them and help them through it. I'm going to talk to him later tonight perhaps for the last time and I wanted some advice as to how to approach this problem, thank you for reading.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

pipsy — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 22:01:11 GMT

Dear droth. I fully understand where you're coming from. Have you thought about telling your boyfriend everything you've written here. Let him know that you're quite prepared to just be his friend if that's all he wants. You indicate he doesn't have many close friends. Does he make friends easily. It sounds as though he feels that he has to be in an intimate relationship with a girl to actually BE in any relationship. I would let him know that this is not the case at all. A relationship is built on trust and friendship, not just sex. If he can relax knowing there's no pressure to 'perform' as such, this will help him immensely. I can see you do love him, but reiterate love means many things to many people. I would be very careful about how to let him know that stressing out internally is not a good thing. He will 'shut down' if you say that. Just let him know you're 'there' for him, no pressure. Does he have a lot of men friends, if he does, that will help him. I know men brag, a lot of that is because they feel that if they can't live up to their image, they're going to be 'bullied'. Let him know he can tell you anything without fear of judgement. Sometimes a female friend is better than half a dozen male friends.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

Zeerose — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 23:27:06 GMT

Hi droth,

i sincerely feel for you , I'm in a similar situation. It's tricky, because you want to be there for them in any way possible but they just don't want it . How do you help someone who doesn't want your help ? Keep trying , that's the boat I'm in .. Hope. I agree with the above post . Love and relationships aren't just about sex it's trust and friendship .. People dealing with depression shun away from intimacy so I guess it's hard for them to be around partners . That's what I'm trying to work on being his friend but he is avoiding me .. Haven't heard from in two weeks .. I hope when you talk to him tonight it works out for the best of both of you .i understand youd be quite anxious.. It really is like your walking on egg shells . Good luck . X

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

droth — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 23:46:32 GMT

Dear Pipsy,

thank you so much for the detailed reply, I've been trying to let him know that I'm supportive of him and I'm there, but he just keeps repeating how he would talk to me but he doesn't know if he'll change his mind on the break up. He doesn't make friends easily but he's outgoing, I just didn't see this change of heart and I know we had our bickering and fights but he's always said that we work through them and learn from them but this time he said he was mad at himself for a fight we had and it got under his skin and he needs to be more mature but he also said he doesn't want to change. I'm just so confused and heartbroken because it seems like anything I say won't get to him.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

pipsy — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 00:16:16 GMT

Droth. So sorry for this ongoing situation. I really don't think there's much more you can do. He knows you're there when he wants to talk. He sounds terribly mixed up about himself and where he wants to be. I think he just needs space to sort himself out. If it's not a rude question, how old are you? I think you need to get on with your own life. Sorry if that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you can't put your life on hold for him. You may want to, but that may make him feel guilty and that's counter-productive to you both. Making him feel guilty could cause more fights and you'll start resenting each other. If he does decide to finish altogether, you'll have to accept that anyway. So getting on with your own life is better for you, in the long run. Taking him back is something you may have to look at eventually, only you'll know how you'll feel if that arises. But for now, you need to take care of you. I think you're confused because you're trying to be 'there' for him, but he's not sure what he wants.

Please feel free to write back, if necessary.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

droth — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 00:23:16 GMT

Hi Pipsy,

you're right, it's just been hard for me to accept it because we were so close and comfortable with each other. I'm 20 and he's 21, I am worried about him but what you said is right and I'll try to move on and give him the space he needs.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

pipsy — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 01:21:53 GMT

Dear droth. I'm so sorry for how hurt you are. Don't forget BB is here when you need assurance and help. Friendship is important for you too. As I said, try to be there for him, but look after you too.

Best of luck for your future.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

droth — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 04:13:33 GMT

Thank you so much for sharing your experience I'm so glad you did t give up! I know it's a toss up at this point but I guess it varies from people whether they'll turn around. I ended up telling him he didn't have to see me and he opened up more because I guess it's less pressure like what you guys said, either way I feel more at peace now, I'll just be there for him. ps if you ever need someone to talk about similar experiences I'm here too.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

Zeerose — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 10:31:33 GMT

Droth , you are a sweetheart. I am pretty emotional today maybe that time of the month lol I can't tell you how glad I am that u feel at peace and that he opened up . To me that is definitely a step towards progress . I'm curious as to how why and if these relationships ever unite once again . It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there feeling like this . I'm holding on I really am I love him .. Everyone and everything tell me to let go yet I refuse to . Once again so glad to hear your talk went well with him . X

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

pipsy — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 22:04:54 GMT

Hi Zeerose. I too am glad about droth's situation turning out okay. However, what worked for her might not necessarily work for you. Her boyfriend's situation is unique to them, no two people are the same. If your boyfriend wants 'out', all the 'holding' on you're doing will push him away. If you wanted 'out' and he didn't want to let you go, how would you feel. Don't 'trap' people, it doesn't work and they resent you more. There's an old saying, 'if you love something/one, set them free, if they come back, they're yours, if they don't, they never were'.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but men are creatures who need to feel they are not 'owned'. Having said that, don't be a door mat, either. If he's on again, off again and that's not what you want, let him know.

Take care.

Pipsy

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

Zeerose — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 05:46:00 GMT

Hi pipsy,

It hurts to hear but I appreciate all advice to so thank you very much. The thing is the last time I saw him he told me we could be friends .. I'm starting to think He said that not to upset me. But then he says I'll call you later and one day seemed in a good mood even suggested to go for a walk with me and then it just stops there. I know with depression it's up and down but he was obviously trying with me. I told him where I stood and he told me to basically take a step back give him time and then says we can be friends. We're both very passionate people and have always told each other we would fight for one another no matter what. I'm torn confused I'm trying . I'm standing alone sadly but I'm ok with that considering he's circumstances because I know he would do the same for me and has in the past. He was my best friend my diary told him every little thing. And just like that it's gone. I've been doing a lot of reading on depression which has helped but some days are so hard like today.. I will try harder to give more space.. But how do u turn your back on someone u love I saw his eyes he seemed so broken and told me himself.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

pipsy — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 10:44:48 GMT

Zeerose. I'm so very, very sorry. He sounds very confused and lost. He's asking for friendship more than love. I know how hard it is to step back, but you have to respect his wishes or you'll lose his friendship. I think love is too hard for him at the moment. It can be very frightening when someone expresses undying love, the person you're telling sometimes panics and feels as though they can't breathe. I'm wondering if he has Bipolar, I'm not suggesting you ask him. But you say he's all over the place, emotionally. With Bipolar, that's one of the symptoms. If he does have that, it's up to him to get whatever help he needs. If it is just depression, again, he has to be the one to get the appropriate help. All you can do is be there for him. Is he on meds, maybe he's having problems adjusting. As I said before, if he loves you, he'll come back. From the way you speak, I think at the moment, you just have to get on with your life. Ask him no questions, let him know he can trust you, as a friend. Don't turn your back completely, just let him breathe, sort himself out. Is he having problems at home? That can really turn you upside down too. Remember, what's to be, will be.

So sorry I can't wave a magic wand.

Best wishes Pipsy.

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

Zeerose — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 14:05:16 GMT

Hi pipsy,

Yes I'm thinking the same thing our love was quite high.. a lot of passion. It perhaps is overwhelming for him. He's basically told me that he can't be intimate , his lost desires for everything in life but assured me it wasn't me. I said to him that's fine. He just wants to do normal friend things but like I said he has avoided and completely ignored me. I don't want to lose him or our friendship . You might be right but I had to be true to myself when I seen him that day I had to tell him how I felt I mean I'm still the same person he might have changed but I'm still me. you have just raised a question in my head .. Bipolar? What is the difference between depression and bipolar? Because highs and lows occur in depression too. He is very impulsive type of guy always very high with me but away from me he can be very down. He has has had a very hard childhood .. I just remembered a few things in the past that I can relate to mood swings ..but I don't know.i don't think He would seek help for anything or even tell anyone about it. He actually told me before that he puts a mask on in front of everyone no one knows anything but me (as he told me this). I don't know about meds .. I don't think he would even tell me . Could be ashamed . He has good family support but no immediate family . I keep thinking of how we were together and the bond we shared we both have never felt like this . So I'm holding on to that thought and your right it's reassuring that if he loves me the way he says he will come back if it's meant to be . Friend or no friend. It's hard coz I just want to know he's ok ... When I know he'll never tell anyone he's struggling. unless I go to his house and see him face to face ! He can't lie to me or avoid me then the eyes never lie. I'm like that when my family or close friends are down or in need. But with him I feel kind of scared ..

Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

Zeerose — Tue, 16 Jun 2015 10:21:46 GMT

I just thought I'd share the latest ... He messaged me saying to let him be he needs his own space and that he's getting pulled in all different directions he doesn't want to be . I told him that he can trust me as friend I'll understand and support and I'll give him whatever time he needs . And that i don't want to lose him . I feel at ease but im Heartbroken, scared and confused .