topic Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse. in Supporting family and friends

Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse.

Bellen — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 19:53:55 GMT

Hi,

My Boyfriend and i have been together for 2.5 yrs. We are pretty open with each other and love each other a lot and have been a long distance relationship for 8 months now. I have come here as i don't know where else to go.

He has been suffering from depression (self diagnosed as far as i know) for a few years now. It has been bottling up for a while and as it has gone unchecked has gotten worse. His self esteem and motivation have dropped significantly since he has moved out on his own but he refuses to seek help. I have actually managed to get him to go to the doctor once - he refuses to go back.

This morning at around 4am everything got worse as he confessed that he has developed erectile dysfunction from the unchecked depression. Again self diagnosing - citing the symptoms and how they match what it says on the internet. He was embarrassed and had been giving different reasons for not wanting to have sex - he told me this in tears.

He then tried to call beyond blue's help services, reaching the automated call system. He hung up. Unable to continue.

My boyfriend has told me previously that he hates going to the doctor (he previously stated that he severely dislikes doctors and therapists, unable to understand why they could stand helping someone like him), more specifically finds it near impossible to talk to anyone about his problems (apart from me?).

He has told me he wants to get help but refuses to call or seek help from a doctor. I don't really know where to go from here. He is on Uni holidays and visiting me currently but will be leaving in 1 week to go back to Uni. Whats really upsetting me is that if he doesn't seek help he will only get worse and im really worried. In regards to getting help he told me 'whats the point, i wont be sexually active until next break so it won't matter'. Maybe it was just his emotions talking (since he is usually the level headed and not emotional/ not empathetic) because it doesn't make logical sense to not seek help.

Im not really sure where to go to get help for him. Is this something that he has to do himself? If so i can't see him getting help until its an emergency situation. Please advise on the best possible way to help my boyfriend and his inability to help himself.

Thanks in advance.

Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse.

trustlife — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 01:21:25 GMT

Hi Bellen,

Thanks for your post. There may be a couple of little sparks of light in your post so perhaps all is not lost. The self diagnosis is interesting and probably stresses the need that he can find professional help from someone he can trust. He does trust you and that's a biggie. He also admits he wants to get help so again that's a great sign. I would open any conversation on this with him with something like, "I'm so glad you agree with me that you need someone you can trust, it's like a huge weight off my shoulders". It sounds to me that you have some strength in your relationship and this is a good way to test it. Next I'd suggest that you offer to find a decent approachable professional and you both go together to see them. end the conversation with "Leave it to me and I promise I'll find someone decent"

The Beyond Blue team have some excellent resources so I'd give them a call to point you in the right direction.

The reason I'm suggesting this approach is because of his level headedness. It's direct, frank and honest. Best of luck to you both.

Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse.

Carmela — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 03:21:56 GMT

Hi Bellen, I echo Trustlife recommendations. If your partner is hesitant in approaching a Dr, seek out a Dr by recommendations or see a Dr yourself and ask the questions on who is suitable. I would ask your partner if he prefers a male or female therapist as this can affect how and what they say based on their level of comfort.

Just as a final note, don’t push your partner into anything he is not ready to do. He'll only pull away and that will have a negative impact. Lightly encourage him to take the steps and always remind him that you love him. Be patience as l am sure he is struggling a lot and take the time to chip away at the small things one step at a time.

Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse.

pipsy — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 09:59:14 GMT

Hi Bellen. Your bf has the same problem a lot of men face. In today's society, men are brought up with the notion that they are supposed to be 'manly' whatever that means. To have to admit he has a problem probably goes against the grain of how he was raised. That he's admitted to you is enormous. His trust in you is pretty unique in that to most men, women 'gossip'. What I would do is encourage him to talk about why he hates Dr's and therapists. Did he have a bad experience with one? That would definitely put him off talking to one. It could be the erectile dysfunction is because he thinks he has to look after you no matter how he's feeling. Let him know you love him regardless, show him that the sexual side of your relationship will improve once he relaxes more. He sounds terribly uptight with everything that's going on. Because of previous problems with therapists, he's dicey about repeating the therapy. I go along 100% with Trustlife about you offering to go with your bf if he does decide to give therapy another go.

Good luck

Boyfriend finds it almost impossible to talk about his problems. He won't seek help and he is getting worse.

geoff — Tue, 02 Feb 2016 18:39:25 GMT

dear Bellen, there have been many replies which are very good for you read a few times.
Just before he goes back to uni ask him to do the 'K-10 test because he should get an indication whether he is depressed
and by the score whether it's serious, I say this because the person has to realise that what they are actually suffering
from may finally register for him, and support his own self diagnosis.
He has to know that he can't procrastinate this problem and face it when he comes back to you, because as he's going away
means his concern for erectile dysfunction isn't going to stop, and will definitely affect his uni studies.
When we self diagnose ourselves we always think that the worst has happened to us, citing problems which we may not have, but we suddly
but assume that we do.
You obviously love him and have told him this, but along with this means he needs to see a doctor so that you both can get
back being itimate, however don't put too much pressure on him, because this will make his situation worse.
There are clinics that help men with erectile dysfunction, that's what they areset up for.
Please let us know how it's going. Geoff. x