topic He wants space..I don't know what to do in Supporting family and friends

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 14:45:41 GMT

I believe my boyfriend of almost 7 years (we are both 25 almost 26) is showing signs of depression.

This time last year he broke up with me out of the blue for 3 months and couldn't really say why. When we got back together he still couldn't give me answers but said he was miserable without me and it was a mistake.

I should point out that he lost his dad when he was 22 and that was only a few years ago. This is the time of year his dad started to get ill as well. He said it is nothing to do with that though.

We have been back together since January and are now approaching the time of year that this happened last year and he has told me is is feeling very down all the time and doesn't know why. He is ashamed of the way he feels and doesn't know what to do about it. I have suggested seeing a doctor but he refuses. He said he just wants to get away from everything, it's like the smallest things put him under pressure that he can't cope with.

He has asked me for a few days space to get his head straight and feels he can't do that around me as he feels he owes me answers and can't give me any. He said that he knows I will think he is going to breakup with me again but has said he isn't he just needs to be away from any sort of pressure. I will of course do this for him, but I am finding it very hard to swallow. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him, but right now it's difficult to know what to do.

I also have an underlying fear that he is going to break up with me again because he can't cope or perhaps he is stressing himself out about telling me because he knows I will be heartbroken. I know he has told me he isn't planning on doing that, but I don't feel reassured.

I am giving him space but is it normal for him to want to keep his distance from me for a few days? Or is he showing signs of breaking up with me again? He tells me he loves me and it's him not me, but that doesn't reassure me because I keep thinking he loves me but can't be with me.

Please help - I will do anything to make this right for him. I know I can't take the pain away but I want to save our relationship.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

Kathryne — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:30:24 GMT

I'm sorry to read about your concerns. It took me nearly 4 years to get my husband to admit he was depressed and be prepared to seek help. It's hard you don't want to push to hard neither let him go deeper into the depression. My husband is over 60 therefore he found it more difficult to ask for help.i know for him the anniversary of his parents deaths effect him.

I would advise that you give him the space he desires however let him know you will be there in a heartbeat if he wants or needs you. Have you thought about speaking to a relationship counselor. Either together or just you at first.

There is still a big stigma around mental health issues in our society, particularly for males. even with all these sports stars talking about the issue.

Be supported in the knowledge that it is not you, but feelings that your boyfriend needs to address before he can move forward. We all handle grieving differently, , we just don't get over the loss we learn how to cope without the loved one.

Depends on the strengths the person can draw upon on how they will cope.

Regards Kathryne

He wants space..I don't know what to do

geoff — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 18:24:54 GMT

dear Worriedgirlfriend, hello and great to be able to talk with you.

Can I firstly suggest that you click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'All the Printed Material' from BB, it's all free, but it explains so much about any type of depression, and by reading this booklet maybe able to help you understand depression.

The loss of his dad may subconsciously be affecting him, even though he may deny it, because when someone passes away a few years ago they are told by other people 'that it happened and nothing can be done about it now, so you have to move on', well this may not be appropriate, and certainly not a sympathetic comment, so perhaps that why he does say anything.

Please I'm not suggesting that it is said by you.

Depression is such a strong, powerful and strange illness, that makes people believe that they want to be by themselves, but in actual fact they don't want to leave and need the company, so I can understand what he says that he needs time to think, however a depressed person only thinks about all the negative thoughts that come to mind, when in company and when alone.

From what you have said is that I believe he does love you, so please it would help if you do order the information I suggested. L Geoff. x

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Wed, 14 Oct 2015 09:26:36 GMT

Thanks for your advice

He wanted to see me at the weekend and so we did, but then yesterday told me he needs a week by himself to get his head straight.So I can't call, text or see him for a week.

This is really hard for me but do you think that's the right thing for him? He said he loves me and so when he sees me he is reminded of that and he's so unhappy at the moment that he can't make me happy

I am so worried I am going to lose him again, please help.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

geoff — Wed, 14 Oct 2015 18:18:12 GMT

dear Worriedgirlfriend, the good part to this is that he wanted to see you, but unfortunately this doesn't solve his present depression, but he knows and recognises that you are still there.

With depression, there are no plans and there's no predication what so ever he's going to do, but I'm certainly not saying that he won't come back to you, so please don't expect this.

He has said for there to be no texts, no emails or call him, OK but that doesn't mean that he's not going to contact you, because love is also so strong, but when depression is involved it puts a smoke screen between the both of you, where you can see him, but can't reach him, but again it doesn't mean that you won't be able to reach him later on.

To explain to someone who has never had depression, is just so hard, because what or how we say about this illness doesn't register, it's too difficult that what it does is take the whole mind of the person away and leaves the body there, just an insect shedding it's skin, in other words all you are doing is just talking to the shedded skin and not the actual person.

I can't tell you if he will come back to you, but he says he loves you, and by saying this is a good sign.

L Geoff. x

He wants space..I don't know what to do

DianeB — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 00:03:17 GMT

Hello worriedgirlfriend1,

I'm going through the same situation with my boyfriend at the moment. Things are improving a little bit, so please have hope and faith in him, be patient, there are lots of chances that he will come back to you.

2 weeks ago by boyfriend suddenly said he wanted space and not seeing me nor contacting me. I had no news at all for 3 days, then just 1 text a day for a week just asking me how was my day going. After 10 days, he wanted to see me just for a movie. I was out so I couldn't see him, but at least it was a very positive sign that he was coming back a little bit to me. Then he started to text me few times per day. Texts are cold, but at least we are in contact. We'll finally go for a movie this weekend.

All I want to say is, even though it is extremely difficult and heartbreaking, be patient and let him come back to you, he will.

What I do to survive to this storm is reading a lot about depression and I keep a dairy of his moods and how he is feeling. I report any information I have (contact or not today? how was his day? what he said to me) and I mark a + when it's a positive thing (positive toward recovery) and a - when it's a negative thing. Like that I can easily assess if he's going better or not. During the first week it was only - - - but the second week I had more + + + so even if I find that there is no progress, I look at my dairy and seeing lots of + makes me realize that things are going better. That give me hope.

I hope this would have been a little bit helpful.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Sun, 18 Oct 2015 18:46:41 GMT

Thank you for all of your advice, I really appreciate it

Is it normal for someone suffering with depression to want to withdraw from me as much as he has? He doesn't see or speak to me unless I initiate a conversation but even then he's very off with me. He has assured me his problem is nothing to do with me but it hurts so much that he can't see me or even speak to me. I will wait for him of course but having never experienced depression I wondered if it was normal for a man to withdraw from his partner so much?

he said he can't explain what he feels or even describe it he just feels so messed up.

I don't know whether I should really take him at his word and totally leave him, or whether to send him a text every couple of days just to remind him I'm here

He wants space..I don't know what to do

geoff — Sun, 18 Oct 2015 19:09:35 GMT

dear Worriedgirlfriend, a person in depression will never start a conversation because they are too absorbed in their own thoughts, and when it starts he isn't going to say that he loves you until you say it first, and also say remember all the good times we had, weren't they great, because they mind is only full of negative thoughts.

It's impossible for him to try and explain how he feels, because basically he doesn't feel anything except being in a void.

You can't do anything more than to believe what he says, and your decision to stay with him is only up to you, and if you want to, then text him every few days, but not every day.

It's so hard waiting and expecting him to get better, so it's another journey in life which you will ee whether or not you want to wait for him. L Geoff. x

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 21:25:55 GMT

It's breaking my heart. He told me tonight he's feeling pretty awful about his life, feels like he has a cloud over him that he can't shift and that he just wants to be happy again. He's totally run down and barely sleeping and still hardly seeing me. I have mentioned getting help because he doesn't have to feel like this and his response now is 'I know' rather than dismissing it but he's asked me to stop saying it because it's frustrating and that he knows it. He said he will be ok eventually and that its just a rough journey

it's absolutely breaking my heart to hear him say those things and knowing how truly awful he must be feeling but also heart breaking that he won't let me in

is this depression he's experiencing? He means the world to me and I just don't know what to do for him

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 07:20:52 GMT

Please help. He has asked to see me today and I don't know what to do. He has now said he thinks he needs help but also that he doesn't know what he wants. What does that mean?

He wants space..I don't know what to do

StefT — Sun, 25 Oct 2015 09:28:56 GMT

Be there for him but you really need to start looking after yourself. It's time to recognize what you need emotionally and set boundaries.You a a fantastic and loving person, he knows that. You need to back off a bit and let him come to you.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 09:20:46 GMT

He broke up with me

said he loves me and that I am his best friend but has to remember howl be happy on his own

the last 2 weeks I've not seen him and he said he's missed me so much and felt so lonely so I can't understand why he's done this

he is seeing his doctor this week as knows he can't go on like this but it hurts so much that after 7 years together he doesn't want me in his life right now

he said he knows we would have a lovely future together but thinks I'm too good for him and doesn't understand why i love him

i love him with all my heart, always have and always will and I know we belong together

i miss him and want him to let me help him but he's shut himself off to me in the hardest way possible by breaking up with me

when he broke up with me this time last year (to the day) he had 3 months without me and told me it was the most miserable time of his life

only a few weeks ago he was telling me that on the day he broke up with me last year, he made the biggest mistake of his life

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 13:00:37 GMT

Please help. I'm broken

He wants space..I don't know what to do

geoff — Mon, 26 Oct 2015 18:55:41 GMT

dear Worriedgirlfriend, hi, your boyfriend says he wants to be with you and then he wants to break up with you, this is only depression which makes him so confused, he doesn't know what to do.

What you have to remember is that when someone is suffering they actually want someone to be there for them, but then on the other hand they don't want to be with them, it's very confusing, so let me explain my situation.

I didn't want to leave my wife for any length of time, but I really loved it when she took our 2 sons away for the day, I knew she was there, but then she wasn't, but she was always there in the back ground.

Now that he has decided he needs help, he will need some help to get him organised, and probably by you so you have to make the appointments for him to start with, and will need to go with him to see his doctor who will then set up a health plan where he can have 10 free visits to see a psychologist.

I know that he is going to see his doctor as you have said, but he has to get there and not decide not to go.

From what you have said is seems as though he doesn't want to leave you, it's just this horrible illness telling him to say this. Geoff. x

He wants space..I don't know what to do

JessF — Tue, 27 Oct 2015 00:39:39 GMT

Hello worriedgirlfriend, I'd like to start by saying the end of relationship, especially a long term one, is a difficult and heartbreaking time and I really feel for you at the moment. I hope you have good friends and family around you to support you through this time, as it isn't easy.

That said, it's very important at this stage to not get caught up in false hopes. Going back over what you have reported of your boyfriend's behaviour and statements, we see:

* He has tried to end the relationship previously
* He is asking for space
* He is "off" with you
* He is feeling awful about his life
* He has said he needs to remember how to be happy on his own

Removing any suggestion of depression from the equation, because he has not been diagnosed with it, this is the behaviour of a person who does not want to be in a relationship.

Many people confuse 'depression' with feelings of unhappiness, and being in a relationship that is not working for you can cause deep feelings of unhappiness.

As Stef says, the best thing for you to do now is to get support for yourself and move on, and begin the healing process as soon as you can. There's nothing to be gained by holding a candle for someone who has told you they don't want to be with you, no matter what softening statements they have thrown at you about how lovely they think you are.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 07:54:12 GMT

Thank you for your comments and advice

Jess I do appreciate what you're saying and maybe I'm just naive but I know this has nothing to do with our relationship. For a start I know he would just tell me if that was the case as last year's breakup felt more that way than this one. He wouldn't do that to me he is a very kind person who I know wants the best for me in life.

I truly believe the relationship has ended due to his depression whether diagnosed or not. He feels constantly sad all of the time, feels on the verge of tears, can't sleep and when he does wakes up very early in the morning and doesn't know how to make himself happy.

Last year ending things only made him worse and that's what both he and all of his family said. When I got in touch with him after the time apart because it was an important day to do so, he said I saved him from the misery he was going through.

I know this is something he has to deal with himself but I want to wait for him. I have sent him a letter telling him how I feel about it all and how proud I am of him for admitting to suffering but don't know if I should now leave the contact to him. He has ended it after all.

What makes it harder is that I know he is going out a lot with friends while I am at home heartbroken. I know this is his way of (not) dealing with things but still makes it tough for me

He wants space..I don't know what to do

JessF — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 08:28:16 GMT

It sounds like you need some support for yourself at the moment - it is ironic that as someone who is depressed he is not isolating himself, he is as you say out spending lots of time with his friends, and it sounds like you are isolating yourself. Who have you got around you that can support you through this?

He wants space..I don't know what to do

worriedgirlfriend1 — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 10:11:47 GMT

From what I understand about depression it's easier to be around those who don't know how you're feeling. So I thought that perhaps as he hadn't told his friends how he is feeling he finds it easier to be around them because he has no pressure to talk about it or think about it. He can put on a front with them. When his dad passed away this is also how he dealt with that