topic Advice Needed in Supporting family and friends

Advice Needed

AD91 — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 03:43:26 GMT

Hi Everyone,

New to all this and a first time poster hoping to get some help from anyone who has experienced similar. My girlfriend has recently told me she is suffering from depression. We have been together 2 years and she says she has tried everything to beat her depression and her only choice now is to break things off with me. She suffered depression a few years before we met but I don't know a great deal about it (we only briefly touched on it). I know when we are together I can see her happiness and I know that we both leave each other very much. I don't know what do, she wants to do this without telling anyone but I do not want her to do this alone. Am I being selfish by trying to keep things going? Is she making this choice because it is the right decision for her? Please help

Advice Needed

CrashCoyote — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 04:21:17 GMT

Hi AD91,

It is a tough decision. Very often people on here post about their relationship falling apart because of their partners' depression and/or anxiety. Usually they are very new into the relationship so I wonder why they would try to save a relationship in its infancy.

You, however, have been with her for two years so have a bit invested and it is obvious you two have potential, so your question about having that fight is sensible.

I guess your first step is to learn more about depression. Even if she wants to do this with you, you cannot be much help with little knowledge of the condition. There is plenty of literature on this site and online.

Perhaps if you can talk to her from a more enlightened perspective, she may wish to have you on board while she works through it. Or you can ask if she would see a counsellor with you.

You need to keep in mind that depression can be a life long and debilitating condition so must be prepared for the consequences of that if you choose to stay. You need to also respect her wishes, if she wants out, she is entitled to out. It may be that when alone she decides she is better with you in her life, but even if she doesn't, you can't insist on being there.

Good luck with it. John.

Advice Needed

Double D — Thu, 02 Apr 2015 02:23:48 GMT

Thanks John appreciate the insight. I have been trying to learn as much as I can about this but I know it is in her hands whether we can tackle it together or not. Sadly I don't think she wants me to be a part of this but she knows where I stand. I especially like your comment on this being a life long thing and I had not thought of that but I know I am prepared for whatever is thrown my way with the ups and downs and willing to be there always.

once again thank you

Advice Needed

White_Rose — Thu, 02 Apr 2015 12:08:13 GMT

Dear AD91

It's great that you have been prepared to write about this difficulty and that you want to help your partner get well. It can be a tricky situation.

I have a different perspective on the matter. Depression makes us think and do all sorts of fairly irrational things. Things that would not happen if we had the 'flu, or measles, or a broken arm. Depression works by keeping the mind focussed on the negatives of life. "I'm not good enough for you or anyone" is a favourite. "You would be better off without me" or "I'm never going to get well again".

This is the real problem with the Black Dog.The brain, for all its cleverness, is essentially lazy. It will take the easy way out every time unless we keep it on a leash. For my money this is the real killer, the insidious brainwashing that goes on.

If you read almost any of the posts on depression or other mental illnesses, you will find the common theme of not being good enough. It has taken me years to finally realise that my friends care about me and want to help if I am in difficulties. Now I can manage as much as possible and then ask for help. And what's more I can do so without feeling I am being intrusive or demanding, asking for something that is unreasonable, that no one cared about me and would therefore not care what happened.

I wonder how many of these thoughts your girlfriend has. And the reason why people want to leave their partners is because of those thoughts. They do not believe they will get well on their own, but they want to spare the people they care about the trouble, anxiety and grief of being with a disabled or non-functioning person.

You make no mention of your GF seeing a her doctor or a psychologist. What is the story on this front? Is she getting any professional help or is she trying to do it completely alone? That will not work.

What exactly will be best for her is up to her her medical team. But you can certainly help by encouraging and supporting her. You will need to learn when she wants to be held and comforted and when not, though this is a skill not always known by men at the best of times. (smile)

As John has remarked, BB has heaps of information. This is all available to download or to send for hard copies. Get as much as possible and read it. The world of the depressed is lonely and hard. What we want is to live happy and fulfilled lives. And we can with love and help.

Tell your GF you love her and together you can tame the Black Dog.

Mary

Advice Needed

rav2900 — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 09:02:59 GMT

Hi everyone I would like to share my experience after withdrawing from medication that I took for 6 months for anxity . its been 2 months since I took my last pill after tapering for one month. I Now I am having insomnia ,bloating of stomach ,low libido and anxity. I would like to ask whether they are withdrawal symptoms and how much time it can take to normalise.

Advice Needed

Pixie15 — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 09:30:55 GMT

Hi rav2900,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. If you have questions about withdrawal symptoms it might be a good idea to speak to your doctor about it. If I thought I was having withdrawal symptoms after that amount of time it is what I would do.

You could try starting a thread under the forums which are specifically devoted to "Treatments" or "Anxiety" with this question which may attract more responses.

Thanks,

Christine.