topic "I seem to be so far down the list..." in Supporting family and friends

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

LML — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 21:17:35 GMT

Even tho the last year has almost solely been spent on diagnosing & getting DH to treatment I'm still listening to repeated (important) statements that i'm not sure how to address.

From him...

How do i know what you really want

I seem to be so far down that list. Where is the space between sewing, quilting, swimming etc There is no space

While I have undoubtedly filled spaces where he was napping morning , afternoon & night, I need to keep myself fit & healthy, my craft work is pleasurable,productive & protects me from depression & brain rot as it's applied maths. i understand he doesn't have such pleasures at the moment,however my pleasures don't take away from his.

PS hes still not back home or making any attempts to do so, hes also stopped couples therapy but is seeing a psychiatrist at least monthly & is re-trying mood stabilizers with a slower increase in dose.

Thanks for your help in advance

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

JessF — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 04:29:46 GMT

Have you thought about making a date night once a week?

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

White_Rose — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 04:54:51 GMT

Dear LML

I find myself a little confused by your post. Can you answer a few questions for me and perhaps I can offer some assistance.

Is DH your depressed husband? How long has he been depressed? Are you asking him what he wants or is he asking you? I understand you engage in craft work when your husband is asleep or out of the house, so why is this a problem?

I also gather you have been having some relationship difficulties and have been attending some marriage counselling. How has it been going? Do you feel it has had any impact on your relationship?

I'm sorry that all I seem to have done is ask questions but it's difficult to respond in a more focussed way without knowing your situation to some extent. However, do not feel you need to explain anything you do not want to.

Regards

Mary

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

LML — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 06:33:09 GMT

Thank you both.

We have not been in counselling since January when he stormed out for the fourth time. So no dates either

he was diagnosed severely depressed in July - put on a particular antidepressant by GP & proceeded to "fly", hes now under a psychiatrist & has tried another medication and a dose increase in a week "nearly killed him" so this time hes trying an increase over 3 weeks. I can hear him coming "down again".

Yes I do craft work in the evenings & when he is not around, I have said if he wants 100% attention when he walks in that's fine. I go out to quilt once a fortnight from 6-9 too. I exercise 3-4 times a week but that's usually before he came home & only on weekends if he said we had nothing planned.

In a nutshell with the counselling, everything he has asked for I have done or demonstrated within 24/24 & nothing I have asked for has happened. We agreed before Xmas we would step it up & aim to get us back under the same roof. He was happy about that.

thanks again

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

geoff — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 23:24:29 GMT

dear LML, thanks for your post, and from what I can gather it means that you don't live together ' he's still not back home or making any attempts to do so', ' & aim to get us back under the same roof' but then it seems as though you maybe over at his place as ' I have undoubtedly filled spaces where he was napping morning , afternoon & night', so I am a bit unclear of the situation, a part from this I can work out the situation.

Am I correct when you say it 'nearly killed him, and does this mean that he tried to end his life.

While you were typing your last reply he was actually ' I can hear him coming "down again", obviously coming from the kitchen or bedroom and perhaps you didn't want him to see you on the pc.

It seems as though you are doing everything that he wants, but is doing nothing to help or please you, am I right, as I'm just trying to make it clear in my mind.

Look forward to hearing back from you. Geoff.

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

LML — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 23:45:24 GMT

I asked him to leave for a weekend when I found out he was involved with a work colleague last year, he told myself & therapist he can't cope with coming back until he got his business back on track & then couldn't come back due to the routine of a sleep disorder

His napping was prior to that.

He was talking about the increased drug dose when "it nearly killed him".

I can hear in his speech & moods that his mood is coming down from his "flying" state he was in when only on antidepressant alone.

Yes despite giving lots of space & time its all words & no demonstration of keeping us together.

thanks Geoff

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

LML — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 18:52:29 GMT

If someone is diagnosed with a cyclic mood disorder, treated & diagnosed after possibly 30 year of being ill. Do they actually feel better or feel worse?

Is the acceptance of the illness a relief to know after all that time or a total shock?

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

geoff — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 19:04:24 GMT

dear LML, thanks for getting back to us as your situation is becoming clearer so thanks for that.

To answer your next question I have no answer I can offer, so hopefully someone else can answer this for you. Geoff.

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

Neil_1 — Wed, 01 Apr 2015 21:44:02 GMT

Hi there LML

I’m only able to answer this obviously on a personal level, but if this was to happen to me, I would find it a massive HUGE relief.

I wouldn’t consider it a shock, as I would have known for so long that there was something that wasn’t “quite right” and so then to be actually diagnosed with ‘something’; to have had it found, I would find to be brilliant.

And THEN to be commencing on treating it as well, even though I still am suffering from this particular ‘thing’, I would be feeling better because I can now put a name to it.

But hey, that’s just me.

Not sure if this is of help or not, but just thought I’d give you my answer to your questions.

Kind regards

Neil

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

JessF — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 05:43:53 GMT

LML said:
Hi

I asked him to leave for a weekend when I found out he was involved with a work colleague last year,

Could this be the elephant in the room? Perhaps this is nothing to do with his illness, and more because he does not want to be in this relationship. Sorry to sound negative, but sometimes the answers aren't complicated.

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

Pixie15 — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 00:00:02 GMT

Hi LML,

I am wondering if anyone receives a mental health diagnosis and says: "Wow. That is great. Now I really know what is wrong with me and I can be fixed up and made into the 'normal' individual the world always wanted me to be".

Receiving a clinical diagnosis just means that you are currently not dealing well with your everyday life and you have a pattern of behavior which roughly fits one of those outlined in the diagnostic manual.

If you spend some time on the site here sharing other peoples experiences you will find that some have multiple diagnosis which have changed over their lifetime.

My son was diagnosed as bipolar in his early twenties but it has since changed to anxiety as it is believed that the medication he was prescribed had been the cause of the behavior. I have some anxious features but do not qualify for a diagnosis. It is not an exact science. Not like testing for shingles.

thanks,

Pixie.

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

LML — Thu, 16 Apr 2015 04:12:19 GMT

Some progress DH is telling me he & the psychiatrist are discussing Bipolar Spectrum Disorder not just unipolar depression.

19 months from asking him to get help to here!

"I seem to be so far down the list..."

Pixie15 — Thu, 16 Apr 2015 10:17:15 GMT

Hi LML,

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear that you think there is some progress.

Pixie.