topic Need some guidance in Supporting family and friends

Need some guidance

EE28 — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 06:23:48 GMT

Someone in my family has been struggling for the past few years, it all started with sleep problems starting at the age of 16 which lead to anxiety and now depression, she is now 21. She has tried to take her own life 2x within a year , The first time was from when she had enough of being feeling like she did and just wanted it to be over & the second time was due to a man she was "seeing" i use that term loosely he was not good for her at all and didnt help the situation, when he clarified that he wasnt interested anymore she repeated history and tried to take her life again, thankfully she called me before it was too late and I took her to the hospital. Within the last year she has developed a specific phobia which prevented her from going to social gatherings and doing self checks every hour on the hour.

She refuses to acknowledge she needs help and the more i look into it the characteristics she displays are similar to BPD but she will fly of the rails if i try to suggest anything. Shes not interested in looking after her health or to try and help herself.

I don't know how i can help, I have tried to be supportive and listen, she doesn't want a bar of it. The reason i am writing this post is because of something she said to me last night after rushing to her after she phoned me crying "It is selfish for you to want me to stay alive, if you knew how miserable I was you would not ask this of me"

Every time something happens in her life that she didn't plan for or wasn't anticipating she goes 50 steps back and gets filled with rage and sadness and this vicious cycle reoccurs.

any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated, I feel that im at a crossroad and i dont know which way to go.

Thank you in advance

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Need some guidance

white knight — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 07:49:01 GMT

Hi EE28, welcome

Firstly and most importantly, you are not in any way responsible for actions or thoughts she does and has. Period. Try to set that in your head in concrete and even repeat it to her if she puts to much pressure on you and your own health begins to suffer. eg put in place boundaries.

We often get on here people with serious issues that wont get help. BPD sufferers are among the worst in this area. You need to accept that if you do your best to support and help her, that's all you can do, the bulk of the remainder is up to her. She's an adult. She has freedom until her actions cause public and personal health to deteriate.

I hope others contribute here for other opinions.

Tony WK

Need some guidance

EE28 — Tue, 21 Jul 2015 23:55:31 GMT

Thanks for your advice Tony!

She is/was seeing a psychiatrist once a week, Is BPD is something they would have diagnosed? It was said by the psychiatrist that they didn't think she had a phobia it was more so she saw something and clung on to the idea of having that specific phobia. She is very much the type of person who lets people see only what she wants them to see/hear so not sure if the psychiatrist is aware of what she is really like.

Need some guidance

white knight — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 07:02:43 GMT

Hi EE

I have no idea if they would have diagnosed her. We are sufferers ourselves so we cant go that far.

You could google "queen,witch,hermit waif" and see if that information is along the lines you are thinking.

Read the many posts on here about such topics. My knowledge is very limited as I don't know enough about her.

Tony WK

Need some guidance

trustlife — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 00:40:52 GMT

Hi EE,

I just read your post and straight away I need to discuss something about you. First and foremost we need to get you into a clear positive frame of mind. Then we can address your daughters? problems.

These have been going on for awhile so time for some time out.I need you to start to imagine the perfect outcome here. This is called higher logical thinking. A perfect example of a higher logical thinking is when we stand at the altar and say "I do". From that comes the house , family, cars, job and a new social life. We don't even thing about those details at the time, they all come naturally.

So too with your daughters problem So, pick a place where you both would go when you all realise this problem had been put to bed. See the restaurant, feel the warmth of the sun (not like now in Melbourne) and imagine the 2 of you laughing and clinking glasses of champagne. Now really see it and let your imagination grow. Put as much life as you can into this happy occasion and let it take a whole new life in itself.

Try it just as your going to sleep and as you wake up. It should be so real that it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Now, were not living in fantasy land, nothing has changed with your daughter and we're going to discuss her in a moment. You yourself though will feel more charged, positive and probably more insightful because the worry is not taking the hold it's had on you before.

There is a real strong part of your daughter crying out for help. She's calling you when she knows she's done something stupid. When you talk to her , it's almost like you need to talk to that part of her.

That's her real self. Understand that phobias can be just a label they are looking for so I'd stay away from discussing BPD. Leave that to the experts. Bottom line, although she's telling you these things she's contemplating, it's you she's calling and even though you're hearing threat, behind all that is the real cry for help.

Keep positive, refuse to allow her to flee from your embrace and together you'll find a door opening up where you can both sit down with some professional help. I'm running out of characters left to type but get the higher logical vision working.