topic Not sure how much more I can take in Supporting family and friends

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 02:30:01 GMT

Hi there

My wife and I recently retired and moved interstate to be nearer her extended family. She has major illnesses (diabetes and heart) which is enough to deal with but now as a result of her mother passing away 2 years ago, she is suffering major grief and depression. Her once close family has fractured over the estate that was badly handed by the oldest brother. This fracturing of the family has not helped as she expected when we returned "home", everyone would welcome her with open arms.

The exact opposite has happened where previous friends and many of her family has npt bothered to meet up. There is all sorts of intrigues (real and imaginery) betwene the siblings which has also consumed her.

I am trying so hard to be supportive, but she is constantly withdrawing, treating me with suspicion or as someone she needs to control and dominate.

It has got to the point where I've been looking for short term breaks away to get some fresh air for myself, give her space and inject some positive new experiences back into the marriage. I even suggested we pack up anbd do some short term tours around Australia....as she is a totally different more relaxed person when we are on holidays.

I am not sure what next I can do..I am seeking an appointm,ent with our GP to see if I can get a referral to a clinical psychologist as its starting to effect my wellbeing and I'm constantly feeling anxious and depressed over it.

Not sure how much more I can take

white knight — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 09:19:12 GMT

Hi Quiettall, welcome here to beyond blue forums

You are on the right track for treatment so continue there.

As for family splits with wills etc this is quite common and has happened to my family, my mother and my uncle 25 years ago. I could say that time heals and as its only been 2 weeks, allow a lot lot more.

What is a major concern is your wife's attitude towards you. Best to leave that to the psychologist IMO.

Keep going fishing and keep being supportive. It will pay off in the end.

Tony WK

Not sure how much more I can take

Doolhof — Fri, 27 Mar 2015 22:58:27 GMT

Hi Qitetall,

I too would like to Welcome you to Beyond Blue. White Knight has offered some good suggestions for you, you need to keep up your own happiness so you can cope with how your wife is reacting to all that is happening around her.

Seeking out medical help for her is a good step, and may help you too if you chat with a counsellor to work out your own emotions and feelings and also discuss ways to better help and understand your wife.

Is it possible for you to suggest that you and your wife meet various friends and family either at home or at a restaurant or café. Not altogether, but one group at a time.

People don't always reach out to us like we might expect them to, sometimes they need to be invited.

Death of a family member can bring out the best or the worst of people. Hopefully the situation will improve but it may not either. Help your wife to keep in touch with people she wants to see but not to become entwined in the blame game.

Taking your wife out on short trips could well help her. She may benefit from distractions and realising that life can be good.

Look after yourself as well.

Hope this has been of some help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Sat, 28 Mar 2015 03:34:47 GMT

thanks Tony for your advice. I am still persisting and as it has been 2 years since Mum's death, I know it will take more time but I feel she has to take some responsibility for it too, rather than blame the rest of the family and take it out on them and me.

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Sat, 28 Mar 2015 03:38:45 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement. I often suggest we go out for a drive or day or lunch or afternoon tea. She will readily go off to the shops, but as we are on self funded retirement we need to watch how much discretionary spending we do. As for suggesting we get together with her family, I have repeatedly suggested to her that we meet on neutral territory with one at a time over lunch or a cuppa and put their cards on the table to see whether there is room for mutual healing. She steadfastly refuses, saying she does not see why she should reach out to them as they have disappointed her. I will persist with this suggestion as I also knew and loved her Mum and would be sure her Mum would turn in her grave if she saw how fractured the family is at the moment.

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 05:13:07 GMT

It was an interesting weekend where my sister stayed with us for four days. She was stunned at how verbally and emotionally aggressive my wife was. I mentioned this to my wife and she totally denied it and burst into tears, saying how she was sick of having me insist I be treated with respect rather than either ignored or bossed around.

I'n still persisting with the doctor's appointment and as my sister has just left, I will be interested to see whether things change between us.

Instead of letting my wife stay up all night and watch tv or get on the computer, last night, I insisted she come back to bed and massaged her back until such time as she fell back to sleep. She didnt wake up until 7am which was late for us

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 05:59:54 GMT

Just had an interesting conversation with my wife, where she made it clear that she will not attend the doctor or any referred psychologists unless I accompany her as she feels I am the problem. I have indicated to her that the ongoing dispute and gossiping about her family members needs to stop, that I dont want to be involved and am no longer willing to participate in this whether it be at our home or elsewhere. She has taken that as me having no care for her and another sign of me withdrawing from her. Funny how some people perceive it when a line is drawn and I find I have to stand up against things I find uncomfortable and unproductive in either our relationship or between us and her family members.

Not sure how much more I can take

Doolhof — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 20:34:30 GMT

Hi Quitetall,

Sometimes it is very hard for a person to see or to accept that they may be part or all of the problem!

My Mum has made life a bit of a nasty place to be when she is around for most of my life, but she does not recognise this at all. If anyone of us dares to mention anything to her, it is like she explodes and can't accept the fact at all.

If I was you, I would take your wife to the Dr and attend the appointment with her. The problem is though, even if you both attend counselling together, your wife is going to need to see that she has to make changes in herself.

We can not change anyone! They have to need to accept their own faults and then change.

I've had depression for ages and have been wanting my husband to come to counselling so he can understand how I am feeling and that if he were able to make a few changes our marriage could be so different.

I know I have problems, but my husband was not willing to see that he could have any part in our communication breakdown.

We attended one session of counselling and it went very well, then the counsellor left that place of work and now my husband says we are fine and we don't need to go any where else!

Sometimes I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall, so I understand the frustration you must be feeling also.

Regarding the family, can you organise to visit them yourself if you want to stay in contact with them?

I do understand your wife's point of view in relation to being depressed, trying to do anything when you feel like that can be so difficult. But it would be good if she tried to make an attempt.

Hope some of this makes sense!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Tue, 31 Mar 2015 22:09:31 GMT

Thank you for your advice. It is very much appreciated and will be put into practice

Not sure how much more I can take

Doolhof — Fri, 03 Apr 2015 21:50:46 GMT

Hi Quitetall,

I am hoping that you and your wife can work things out and that she will realise she needs to make an effort for issues to be sorted.

Hope you have a nice Easter break.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

Not sure how much more I can take

White_Rose — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 11:18:41 GMT

Dear Quiettall

Hello and welcome to the Beyond Blue community. I hope you do not mind if I jump in here. I have just read this thread and it seems to me that you are managing quite well.

Mrs Dools suggestion that you do attend therapy sessions with your wife is great. If you have a good psych he/she will work out where the difficulties are and what they are and will work with both of you to to identify them.

It's not a quick fix process unfortunately so you will need to keep encouraging your wife to attend. If I may also suggest, leave any reconciliation process with her family for a while. Clearly emotions are still raw and will remain so until the grief and anger that is affecting everyone starts to calm down. Trying to make reasonable decisions and have good relationships is just too difficult when everyone is already upset. Let it go for a while.

To go back to counselling, as Mrs Dools has said, only the person concerned can make the decision to change. So leave that to the psych and concentrate on loving and caring for your wife. If she wants to discuss the family or what was said in the therapy sessions perhaps you could have a short discussion, without committing yourself, and suggest you write down the concern to bring up at the next psych session.

Trying to debate these things with your wife will only continue the anger and lack of trust. That's the psych's job to put events into perspective. Let your wife see you love and trust her and keep putting the ball back to the keeper (psych).

I hope my comments are useful.

Mary

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 23:17:29 GMT

Thank you so much for your greetings. Things are quiet here as I try not to get involved in any discussions regarding family or my wife's illnesses. As one of the other posts have said, leave those issues for my wife to deal with a counsellor or psych about as I am too close and anything I say is taken as a negative.

Have a great Easter

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Sat, 04 Apr 2015 23:23:41 GMT

Hi Mary

Thank you for your insights. I have decided to avoid any discussions re my wife's family or illnesses, including lack of sleep, constipation etc etc. I think they are all symptomatic of one major issue she needs to deal with via the counsellor/psych. Anything I say just inflames her negative feelings, upset and anger. This has meant the household is relatively quiet and I am careful re what I say around her, which means it is very very quiet, but this is better than constantly having to back-track, apologise, explain and re-explain. It has also meant she has taken the point of not focussing on me and everything I do in a negative way, and I think she realises she needs to deal with her issues directly rather than through focussing on chiticising me and complaining/gossiping about her family's goings on.

I really appreciate your support and advice

Not sure how much more I can take

White_Rose — Mon, 06 Apr 2015 08:55:26 GMT

Dear Quiettall

Glad my comments are useful. Please keep us in the loop with what is happening.

Mary

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 06:46:00 GMT

Hi there

In the last week or so I have been very careful about what to discuss with my wife in her presence, as I feel she is withdrawing into her own world where the only people she opens up with is a friend and 2 sisters-in-law. Most of those discussions end up being endless gossip and criticism of their husbands and her family.

I've been focussing on improving myself through doing a number of online courses, improving the garden, doing odd handyman jobs and enrolling as an overseas aid volunteer worker later in the year. This is exciting as it gives me something positive to focus on, and therefore a better balance in my own life.

In the weeks I will be away, my wife has support through her family (the ones she talks to ). It is sad that two of her older sisters have tried to reach out to rebuild connections with her but have been flatly ignored.

This is something she needs to deal with and no urging on my part will change that.

Not sure how much more I can take

Doolhof — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 09:09:23 GMT

Hi Quiettall,

Congratulations to you for trying to help your wife and for also having the energy and desire to focus on your own life. You have been making some interesting and great choices.

Yes, it is a shame your wife is not able to just let go of what ever her hang ups are and can not embrace her sisters who have tried to reconnect with her.

Sometimes I don't understand families and relationships at all!

Maybe if your wife sees how full and interesting your life is becoming, she may decide she wants a bit of what you have!

Thanks for sharing this great news with us all.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Not sure how much more I can take

Quiettall — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 19:18:15 GMT

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. My wife and I had a very lengthy and heartfelt discussion last evening. She admitted that she had caused lots of grief, had sought specialist advice both on her medical and psychological problems and wanted us both to make an effort to get back on track and rediscover our true relationship.

Whilst I am very relieved and happy that she has finally come to this point, I am still wary as she has said this before and quickly fallen back into thew same negative ways. However, I want to giver her the benefit of the doubt and keep a close eye on things from here on.

Not sure how much more I can take

Doolhof — Fri, 10 Apr 2015 22:59:55 GMT

Hi Quiettall,

It is great you have been able to have an open chat with your wife. I do hope she is ale to make some changes and stick to them.

If she does backslide, can you give her some gentle reminders of how she could do things differently, preferably before she sinks down real low again.

I try to be aware of how I am feeling, and if I do become a bit depressed, try to nip it in the bud so to speak before it becomes too serious an issue.

While things are improving, start to think of various things you can do with your wife to help her have a different view of life. Go to places you have never been before.

I made a list of things my husband and I could do together, a lot of things that didn't cost very much at all. He has not yet read the list and was not interested in me reading it to him either. I will be doing those things myself and will ask him if he would like to join me.

Some people are just not willing to step outside of the box or do not want to make an effort to help themselves. All you can do is try.

Keep up your own activities and interests and keep yourself motivated. Like I mentioned in a previous post, it might rub off on her as well.

All the best. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools