topic Did I do the right thing ? in Supporting family and friends

Did I do the right thing ?

Teddy1 — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 23:24:14 GMT

Hi all, I'm new here and thought id see if I was doing the right thing by my partner (probably now ex-partner), who is a diagnosed bi-polar.

I have read many stories on Bi-polar relationships and I have had an on again off again relationship over the last 10 years with my partner. She was hospitalised and diagnosed 3 years ago after a terrible episode, however there were signs of what I now know were manic episodes dating back many years.

It would appear over the last few months her condition was starting to take hold again, which culminated in an argument 48 hours ago and me pleading with her to get help, but as she denies there is anything wrong I get accused of not understanding her.

I spoke to to others close to her who also noted her deteriorating condition, and what I did was call the mental health unit for advice, but as she has been an inpatient they have now taken over and have obviously contacted her. I had a call from her asking if it was me, and I answered truthfully.

This will probably bring an end to the relationship once again, as she will blame me for any negative outcomes.

I know this may sound obvious to some but was it right to call and try and get help ? even though this will cause resentment and negative feelings toward me. She is not a type for self harm but can get very aggressive.

I would be interested in others experience, thanks so much for reading.

Did I do the right thing ?

Cherpieus — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 01:40:31 GMT

I wish my partner cared so much for me so as to seek help for me when needed.

If you can somehow explain to her that your motivation was love and concern then that may help, although if she is in a bad state she may not be open to hearing that at the moment. All you can do is be there and hope she will recognise that one day.

Did I do the right thing ?

Teddy1 — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 01:46:19 GMT

Thanks for the response, unfortunately she doest see it as me trying to help and i'm the worst in the world for it.

You right though, all I can do is be there if she so happens to realise it, one day maybe, in the meant time I guess you just have to get on with life.

Did I do the right thing ?

geoff — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 01:55:53 GMT

dear Teddy, when someone is in denial, like I was, then they refuse to understand that they do have a problem, and by doing this only upsets and can annoy their spouse or partner because they can see that they do need help.

She may want to end the relationship, at the moment, and only because she won't accept that she doesn't understand what good you have done for her, however once she starts getting treatment and medication, then she may change her mind.

I can't say she definitely will, because with depression we never know what's around the corner, however if love was what happened before this crisis there's no reason why it won't continue if that's what you want. Geoff.

Did I do the right thing ?

Chicken_Wings — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 08:28:43 GMT

Teddy you did the right thing.

She cannot see right now that she needs help, but that doesn't mean she is right.
You obviously love her, if not you would have just walked away and left her to it.

My hope for you is that she is put in the position of getting treatment and hopefully can gain some perspective on your decision.
I don't have bipolar so I can't give you any guidance on dealing with her specific reaction in the short term.

Don't forget yourself in this. How you feel matters too so make sure you have people to talk to as well.

Did I do the right thing ?

pipsy — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 09:52:50 GMT

Hi Teddy. Like the other responses a resounding YES, you did the right thing. The fact that you're still 'hanging' in there tells me you really love and respect her. Once she is 'herself' again, I'm sure she will thank you for everything you've done. As Geoff said, when depression or any 'black dog' situation takes over, it's hard to see reality. If my ex had stood by me even once, we would still be together. Hopefully your relationship will recommence once she's well. You are an amazing person who just wants the best for the girl he loves.

Congrats on getting her the help.

Did I do the right thing ?

Teddy1 — Tue, 24 Nov 2015 23:03:47 GMT

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it.

I had some therapy yesterday and it helped me to understand a little bit more about people with disorders, 2 things stood out, it hurts yourself so much because you invest so much in the individual emotionally that when it ends you have a greater sense of loss, if you know what I mean.

The other thing I learnt was they are the one with the problem, although you try to help, its not you making them behave or feel the way they do, so trying to manage someone like I have been trying to do is sometimes a complete waste of time and emotion.

Anyhow, that's all behind me now, I can only hope she gets better one day, but for me its move forward.

Thanks again for all your help.

Did I do the right thing ?

pipsy — Wed, 25 Nov 2015 00:09:37 GMT

Hi Teddy. Glad to hear the therapy helped you understand slightly more. Hopefully your wife will get better, I'm sure with the right help, she will. From what you say, correct me if I'm wrong, have you decided to end your marriage? If you have, because of your wife's illness, can I suggest you hold off any decisions till you talk a bit more to her or her counsellor. While she's having therapy, the last thing she needs to cope with is knowing you've decided to walk away. I'm not saying the onus is on you to keep the marriage going, all I'm saying is, she's in a delicate frame of mind at the moment. I wouldn't say anything at all, at the moment. Once she's stronger, maybe then discuss the next step.

All the best.

Did I do the right thing ?

Teddy1 — Wed, 02 Dec 2015 22:44:19 GMT

Hi Pipsy,

Thanks for the encouraging words. Its been a difficult week. I'll just clarify we were not married, we did previoulsy live together up until 2012 (we were engaged) when she "lost it" and fell into a masive manic episode, which destroyed many relationships and sent her off to hospital (not by her choice). Some months after she came out we started speaking again and rekindled the relationship but in seperate dewellings. She lives with her mother now. Who also has significant concerns for her state of mind, but is equally irritating to deal with.

I havent abanded her, but have set us on a path of being friends for now (which is very difficult for me as I love her dearly), with bounderies about how she interacts with me. She abused me in my own home, which I took great offence to and hence were we are today.

Domestic violence is not perpertrated by men alone, but are the majority I understand. But i am also a victim of DV when she is manic...this makes it all the harder.

I suspect the bounderies that we agreed will not last long as she really enjoys to interfear with my life (ie. stalking, contacting my friends, accusing me of sleeping with other women etc) and what she tells hers (which are generaly lies).

I have no choice but to let her go and remain friends for now, she will not seek help alone, as she is a master of contolling what others see of her BPD when she is manic, as my own mental and pyhsical health is suffering (which I am seeking counselling for).

Did I do the right thing ?

pipsy — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 06:19:07 GMT

Hi Teddy. Thanks for clarifying your relationship. It sounds as though you're dealing with narcissism which is also a form of BPD. As long as you know what's in store for you with her personality, you can be aware of any problems from stalking etc. I am so sorry you have to have counselling too, but pleased you recognize that you need it. You may have to accept she will never change her personality as narcissists seldom do. The BPD as well, means she may never admit to lying etc. Sorry to say this, but being friends (at the moment) may not be viable as she may see this as meaning you are still 'a couple'. I wouldn't say too much to anyone about what's going on, others questioning her behaviour, based on what you tell them will only cause more angst as she will see this as you 'manipulating' your friends against her. You're right about DV not always being about violence towards women. Unfortunately, we don't hear too much about DV towards men. Men are supposed to be physically stronger than women. However, if a man is brought up not to 'strike' a woman, the general public won't always accept women can be more violent.

Best of luck for your future happiness. Try not to think too badly of her. I realize how hard that is, but she needs help and understanding. Unfortunately, in view of your past relationship, you're right in your choice of 'walking away'.

Did I do the right thing ?

Teddy1 — Fri, 04 Dec 2015 00:35:23 GMT

Thanks for your support 🙂 Good point on narcissism, i suspected it as she does become very self centered, with super powers to boot.

Strange things happen in this world and she advised me this morning she wants to seek help, amazing really but suspect something has trigged this (yes im always sceptical). None the less I praised her.

Anyhow, ill help and support her though the process and hopefully this will help her. Though my emmotional investment continues to take a stockmarket crash.

Lets see what happens.

Did I do the right thing ?

pipsy — Fri, 04 Dec 2015 06:47:36 GMT

Hi Teddy. It's great she's getting help and fantastic she admitted she needs it. Perhaps she sensed you were going to walk away. Whatever the reason, doesn't matter. I think it's wonderful you are going to give her the support she needs during whatever help she can get. Don't forget to care for 'you' too, though.

Best wishes.