topic Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner! in Supporting family and friends

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Taylor2 — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 00:35:46 GMT

Hi all, I am new to the BeyondBlue online community and am in some need of advice and support to know how to cope with my depressed and anxious partner. I am a new mother, have recently gone back to work on casual hours and do not have contact with family and have very limited friends who understand exactly what I am going through. As of late my partners depression and anxiety has taken a really bad turn and it is beginning to affect our relationship in a not so good way. I am trying to be as supportive and understanding as I possibly can but I feel myself becoming frustrated, distant and just down right exhausted. We have begun arguing nearly every day now and I am not sure how much longer I can put up with living in this kind of environment. I understand it is the illness that is making him behave in ways he would normally never dream of behaving, but the name calling, the snide comments are definitely taking a major hit on my emotional wellbeing. I feel as if I am raising our son on my own, I get very little help because he always seem to be run down, tired or be in some sort of pain. I understand his work is very demanding and I try to be as lenient as I possibly can, but when he sits there and says that I am home all day and have plenty of time to rest because all I do is 'watch our son' I automatically see red! I am not sure he understands exactly what it is like to be at home all day with a teething, sick baby who has not slept at all during the entire day, as well as trying to maintain the household. He has no regard for my feelings at all, even when I try to express them to him, it always turns back around into how he is feeling and how it is unfair for him, or that I just don't understand what its like. He makes it seem as if what he is feeling is so much more important than how I am feeling. I am always wrong, no matter what the situation is. He is not on any medication as he has reactions to them all (and we have tried many), plus we are not really strong believers in medications. We are trying natural alternatives instead, however, we are spending a fortune on all these suggested supplements and he barely even takes them! They are left to sit there and go out of date! He sees a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I am still seeing no improvement at all, if anything I feel as if he has only gotten worse. I am really at my wits end and do not know what else to do to try and help him. I just want him to be happy so we can be happy again.

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 19 Jan 2016 22:48:06 GMT

Hi Taylor2,

First of all, welcome to the BeyondBlue community and thanks for reaching out to us to tell your story. I can see that you are being very courageous in coming to us, and I know that it's hard watching a loved one deal with mental illness such as Depression.

I'm also very sorry that it's been affecting you in the way that it has. It's certainly not fair to be on the receiving end of name calling and snide comments.

I'm pleased that your partner is seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Do you ever accompany him to his appointments? Does he ever talk about them with you? Sometimes being apart of his therapy can help as it helps the psychologist understand how his depression is affecting him at home, and it helps you understand the different techniques or tools that is being discussed.

Otherwise, it might be worth talking to him more casually; saying something like "I'm worried about you and this is affecting us. What can I do to help?" or "What is it that you need from me?" It can feel odd asking these questions, but it's a tricky balance finding out what our loved ones want whether it's space, support, company or somebody to talk to.

Another thing that might help is looking at getting some extra help for yourself; from what you've said it doesn't sound like you have a strong support group so maybe it might be about finding that support group just for you to build you up; whether that's a new mothers group, joining social communities, starting conversations with people from work, connecting with online friends, or even seeing a psychologist yourself. I do only suggest this because sometimes it can be incredibly useful to get things off your chest in a totally safe environment; plus a psychologist will have more techniques than any of us can offer you.

Finally - please remember it's okay to draw the line and call yourself out when you need to. You do not deserve to be called names or treated with disrespect (depression or not). The depression may well explain why he can't understand or relate to you and your baby, but you're still allowed to say things like "Please don't talk to me like that" or "I know you're upset, but were both doing the best that we can."

All in all, even though you're worried about your partner, you come first Taylor, so if you need space, time or help, never be afraid to reach out.

I hope this helps! 🙂

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Rexi — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 10:47:03 GMT

Hi Taylor,

I read your story and while reading i was thinking this is my life too. But my husband would leave all the time and not come home for the night. So one day i said don't come back until you want help. He was seeing a psychologist and we were going to couples councelling but nothing was changing. I have a 6 month old boy and is so hard trying to look after an unwell husband and a baby. My husband is very good at telling me i just sit on my ass all day and do nothing. It hurts, their words hurt so much especially when all you are doing is supporting, loving and caring for them. I have no advice as im still clueless and trying to get my husband help as i just wish every day that we could just go back to the way we were and be happy again. Especially because he is missing so much of our little boy growing up. I have found that me going to a psychologist is helping to talk things over. To get things off my chest and to try to figure out what to do to help.

But make sure you look after yourself. It's hard but you have to. I'm trying my best to take that advice but easier said than done with a baby. X

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Taylor2 — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 23:43:24 GMT

Hi Rexi,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as me, it can definitely be difficult. You try to be strong all the time because you have to keep the family functioning but there are days that I just think 'what if' you know? It has gotten even worse over the weekend, we are sleeping in separate rooms and are barely talking.

I am thinking that its getting to the point where I have to take my son and go somewhere to have a break for a while. The fighting and the arguing is not good for my son to witness everyday. Hopefully the time away from each other will help the both of us and if it doesn't I may need to think about the future and whether or not we can move forward together.

I am definitely going to have to start seeing someone myself, just so I can figure out ways in which to cope with the constant pressure and stress of the situation. It is so difficult to try and take the time to look after yourself with a baby, I definitely agree.

I just hope, like you, that we can get to that happy place as well. Only time will tell I guess, it just sucks that it has already been so long and we seem to be getting nowhere at all!

Thanks so much for your reply. While its bad you are going through the same problems its good to know that I am not alone. xx

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Taylor2 — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 00:01:01 GMT

Hi romantic_thi3f,

Thank you for your reply!

I do accompany him to most of his appointments, however, I don't want to push the boundaries and I choose to either wait in stores close to where he is or just in the car. He very rarely talks about them to me, if he does its very minimal. I have been told by his psychologist that he would like me to attend his next appointment because he believes my partner is not giving him the whole picture and would like my further insight. I could tell my partner felt uncomfortable with this, he gave a nervous laugh and was very quiet and seemed upset on the car ride home. He has yet to rebook an appointment and that was nearly over a month ago!

I want to help him to recovery as much as possible but it is definitely becoming a huge weight on my shoulders that I am not sure I can carry anymore. I have tried all types of ways to try and talk to him about everything that is going on. The minute I say something he does not like, the name calling starts again and he says things that only he knows will hurt me. He then sits there afterwards and acts as if he is the victim and I have caused him some terrible heartache.

I ask him all the time what it is that I can do to help, does he need space, does he need a holiday, is there anything I can possibly do. I assure him that I will do everything in my power to make whatever it is he needs happen, no matter the cost. He says thank you and then completely ignores anything else I have said and never answers my questions.

I have tried getting friends to contact him, take him out and get him out of the house, but he just does not seem interested in the slightest. He spends more and more time on his phone or on some sort of device than he does with his family.

I am going to start seeing a psychologist myself soon. I am also looking into anything we can do together to try and cope and get an understanding of where we both are, mentally and emotionally.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, its refreshing knowing that there are people willing to listen and help. It means so much to me!

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Taylor2 — Sun, 31 Jan 2016 22:27:00 GMT

So I am having a really rough time lately. We were at the hospital yesterday because it had gotten worse and he needed more help than he is already getting. It was a very emotional day for everyone involved. I messaged his dad who lives interstate to let him know what was going on just to have him attack me and claim everything is my fault. He told me that I need to stop sleeping around (which I don't and never have), that I need to consent to a dna test to prove that our son is my partners and that my partner is lost in life with me by his side and would only get better if I left him alone and stop treating him like crap! For him to say these things it's upsetting and frustrating. He doesn't understand that it's his son that doesn't exactly treat me the best due to his illness. I have had no one stick up for me or defend me whatsoever! I am the only person who has been supporting my partner and been by his side this whole time. His own parents don't even talk to him about or bother to check and see how he is going.
My partner does not know what was said yet because he doesn't want to get into it with the state he is in, yet what about my emotional wellbeing I am at a loss as what to do. I am dealing with all this while trying to raise my son. I have no family and minimal friends and it's becoming extremely hard to even function of a day.

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

blondguy — Mon, 01 Feb 2016 02:06:28 GMT

Hi Taylor

I am so sorry to hear that you and your wonderful son are being treated this way....It would be awful considering this is 'mean to be' such a special time in your life. I wont re-cover the support from Rexi/Romantic as they are spot on with their input.

I have the similar disorder that your husband has, but he has crossed the line with his behavior badly with you and your son. You are a strong and kind person Taylor and you have tried so very hard to assist your husband he has really left you with no alternative but to consider a temporary change in your environment...You and your son require a nuturing/caring environment, no a toxic one

I am also not a fan of medication and when I can I will use natural remedies.....except for this disorder. His anger and belligerent attitude is part of the illness which requires medication that does have some side effects of course. His illness in no shape or form justifies his treatment of you and your son.

A few years ago my female GP really got stuck into me because I flatly (and stupidly) ruled out meds..She replied with;

* "so Paul..do I tell all my patients with high blood pressure....diabetes etc not to take their meds? She also asked me why I was so 'special' that I didnt need to take any meds! I was firmly kicked....but it worked

* My GP kept at me and made it very clear that this is a physical illness (chemical imbalance) and my symptoms would exacerbate and my quality of life would decrease and I WOULD lose my girlfriend and possibly my job

* I started the anti-depressants using the smallest dose....they worked with follow up visits to her for check ups and a psychologist for behavioral adjustment

Your emotional well being (and your son) is paramount here...all other considerations are secondary Taylor

Your sons' formative years are between birth and 3 years of age. They are like a sponge and absorb everything which shapes who they are as a person in later life.

Keeping on a positive point however, the antidepressants have worked so very well...I have peace in my life now and shake my head that I nearly didnt use them as a vital healing tool. Yes there was a little drowsiness at the start which I didnt like but with perseverance I havent looked back...There was some residual anxiety that comes and goes which I can manage on my own however the bulk of this physically based illness has gone and there definitely is a genuine state of calm after treatment/counseling and behavioral adjustment 🙂

All the 'technical' matters aside on meds.....My heart aches for what you and your son are having to go through Taylor.

I do hope even a 'tiny' part of this may be of assistance to you

You have a great attitude and a high level of innate strength

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Rexi — Wed, 03 Feb 2016 00:49:11 GMT

Hi taylor,

I really hope you are ok. Your story is sounding more and more like mine. My husbands family tell me im the problem, im the one who needs help. After our baby they told me ihad postnatal depression, that I was bipolar etc. They never care about how their son is and its constant mind games from his mother. She is nice to me around everyone then horrible when no one is there.

You really need to see someone to talk this out. I am still going and its so great to get things off my chest and just for the reassurance that im doing the right things.

My husband moved out a while ago but that was his choice then when he wanted to return i told him not until he got help and stopped fighting. I now have to supervise visits to see our son and he still fights with me. He is a completely different person now. So I've cut him off completely until he wants to respect me. Depression or no depression i dont deserve the language.

I have also cut his family off as they were not a positive in my life. I now realise that his mother is a narcissist and i think my hubby has narcissistic victim syndrome. In both cases there is nothing i can do to help until my husband realizes what is really going on.

I'm so terribly sorry you are going through a very similar situation. You sound like a lovely person who cares so much for your family. I hope you get through this and remember to look after yourself first. Its hard but you have to x

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

blondguy — Thu, 04 Feb 2016 13:40:36 GMT

Hi Taylor and Rexi

Taylor...I was just checking in to say hi...I hope everything is going relatively okay for....we are here if you need us...seriously....just ask...

Rexi....I just want to say that you are spot on with the way your husband treats you....No matter what the disorder/illness is .....a guy has no right to ....

* abuse you emotionally...physically...

* there is no excuse for belligerent behavior from you husband

Well said Rexi....I just wanted to say thanks to you and to see how Taylor was.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

FeelingAlone — Thu, 04 Feb 2016 15:09:28 GMT

Hi Taylor and Rexi

your stories sound so similar to the life I am currently living. With a few differences..

I love my partner dearly, however am at such a loss as to where things might be headed for us. When we met we fell head over heels very quickly for each other and a year and a half on we now have a three month old beautiful baby boy. My partner has an incredibly painful ongoing injury from a few years ago and whilst I have been nothing but supportive since the moment we met, dealing with the severity of the pain every day for years has caused him to hit rock bottom with severe depression and has even threatened suicide on several occasions because he can't deal with it anymore.

Along with this, whenever he is hitting a major low he becomes verbally abusive, insisting that I am the cause of his depression. He believes I try to control him and that everything would be fine if I just left him alone.

I am too scared to leave him alone with our son, which makes things even worse because he tells me that I don't give him a chance to be a Good father. When in all honesty he seems to only last two minutes with him before it all becomes too overwhelming for him and he just walks out and leaves him crying. Yet if our son cries when I am holding him he yells at me for being frustrated (I am actually incredibly calm in these situations).

I am also blamed for the fact that we live quite a distance from his family, however due to him not being able to work, we needed to stay where I have a stable job. His family also like to blame me for his depression.

The other thing is that when he is depressed he tries to hide it by lying to me about almost everything possible, big or small. When I catch him out for lying I just get told to deal with it because he doesn't care and that the only person he cares about is himself. It breaks my heart that he can't even see to put his son first. He is also refusing flatly to receive any form of help. I feel like I am raising our son on my own.

I don't know how much more blame, abuse and lies I can take. I know underneath it all he is he same caring amazing person I fell in love with and on rare occasions I get to see that side of him. I wish he could see how badly he hurts me 😞

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

blondguy — Thu, 04 Feb 2016 15:47:00 GMT

Hi Guest....Im not sure if you wanted me to respond but welcome to BB and this thread 🙂 My name is Paul and I can try to help in the meantime...and I'll keep this brief

* Firstly...congratulations are in order with your new baby boy....:-)

* I am sorry for your partner talking about suicide....its a cry for help that I hope he can have the sense to talk to his GP/Psychologist about... The threats of suicide to a partner are normally a from a person that requires help

* Verbally abusive....he has crossed the line again with venting by being abusive

* You are not the cause of his depression...period....

* His family would always blame you for anything..ignore it....they are just in denial about their son

* I am very sorry that you are scared to leave your partner with your son...however, I am not surprised

* Your partner blaming you is way out of line.....it seems (in my humble opinion and with respect) that he may require councelling....

If I may ask Guest....do you have a good GP that you are comfortable with? If you do try her/him first.....for an opinion of what you have articulated so well on here tonight....

Also....if I may ask....would your partner be willing to see a counsellor with you? I know that is a sensitive area but its the most productive considering your situation.

And if I may say...I am sorry that he has to take out his depression on you....This is meant to be a wonderful and bonding time in your lives....Your partner needs to vent.....and not to you either....

His family right now are not relevant as only you....your partner and your wonderful new baby are what matters

At this present stage Guest....Your and your newborn babys' health is paramount.....anything else is secondary....and congrats again

Here if you need anything...

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 01:22:37 GMT

Hi Taylor2,

Just wanted to check in as I saw your most recent post; I'm sorry to hear of your partner's recent hospital trip; it sounds like you've been through quite an ordeal.

I can definately echo what the others have said in that it's not okay that you're being abused and blamed in this way. It sounds like his parents are having a hard time dealing with the fact that their son is depressed, and therefore pushing you away and saying these things. It's so much easier for people to blame issues on somebody else instead of trying to accept the situation. Please try to remember that even though the abuse is personal, it's probably just their way of coping.

Having said that, it doesn't make it okay. It's okay to try to set boundaries whether that's walking away, hanging up the phone or just saying "I don't need to hear this right now." Even though you're probably feeling stuck, you still do have choices. You are not to blame in any of this and your a mum; which makes it all the more important that you find ways to put yourself first.

You mentioned before that you were looking into seeing a psychologist; how did you go - did you end up finding one? If you have any hesitations feel free to share them; it can be really wonderful to talk to someone about how you're feeling and bring some support. It might even be worth seeing a Social Worker; often they know a lot about services in the community and more practical things that can help - for example, a support group for other mum's or organising extra childcare or respite services to help you. They can also be a great advocate if you were considering walking away from the relationship and how to do that safely and strategically (in regards to finances, legal and parenting advice).

Hope this helps,

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Marigold — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 06:22:18 GMT

Hi Everyone

This is my first post as I only registered on BB today after my husband finally had an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. I think he finally caved in and has sought professional help as he is coming to the realisation that I am on the verge of leaving. My question is - how do I amicably leave this relationship? Has anyone walked away and what consequences could I and he potentially face? My biggest fear is that he will not cope and may even harm himself. I just don't know where to go or start or do...I feel very sad and alone right now.

Let me state upfront - I do and have always loved him, but am so sad, lonely and secretly falling apart inside (I suffered a severe episode of depression 8 years ago which I have managed to keep in check - am now feeling like I am slipping again).

We have been together for over 26 years with no children (thankfully for me as it would have made my life very difficult) and to the outside world come across as the model couple...the couple that everyone aspires to and marvels at how loving and close we are. However, this has been further from the truth for me since behind closed doors he is a very different person...he's had mood swings for many years which we have covered up. They last for a couple of months each time from a euphoric high where he thinks he can do anything, hardly sleeps, is verbally abusive to me (never physical) and blames me for everything he thinks is wrong (trivial matters like some mentioned above), becomes highly sexed and then swings to being completely immobile and sleeping or reading for weeks at a time, not getting out of bed or off the sofa - only barely managing to go to work, not going out.

Added to this, he does not have any close friends and our family is back in the UK (we've been in Australia for 10 years). He is extremely possessive with me and resents any time or attention I give to any of my friends and family. I even missed my Grandad's funeral because he demanded that I go to his nephew's 18th birthday. He hates me having any time alone and constantly accuses me of neglecting him...when I am always there and always doings things for him.

I know he is trying to resolve it but I really feel it is too late. He constantly reminds me of how he stuck by me during my bad time (sometimes I think it was a result of pressure from him and feel it all happening again).

Any suggestions gratefully received

Thanks

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Jean-Louise — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 11:58:38 GMT

Dear Marigold,

Besides saying it sounds so familiar, I am not sure if I can help you either. I'm responding to your post in the hope someone might read and respond to you, and then by default me.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 20 years, similarly, we don't have children by choice. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has been receiving treatment (these days mainly medication) for many years. Ups and downs are the norm. He works part time, has no real friends and he rarely sleeps at night during the week, and usually crashes sleeping in all day at least one day of the weekend. We have not been intimate, with any real passion, for years - he blames the medication. Whilst I do not doubt he loves me, I do miss the sexual contact but hey, I guess that's minor if he is still alive. There was a time I used to think that his sense of loyalty to me is what is actually keeping him alive, but I don't know for sure anymore.

He had an episode the other week were he went walkabout for 7 hours after an argument in a department store with a sales kid. He came home, but needless to say his disappearance scared the hell out of me. I need to go away for two weeks to Europe for work but I am afraid to go - what if he has another episode while I am away? I feel guilty even thinking about going away knowing his illness - I doubt I would leave him if he had cancer - so why would I leave him while he has a mental illness? But if I don't go, will that make him feel like he is keeping me from doing my job?

Again, I am sorry I cannot offer any practical assistance, to be honest I doubt anyone can especially as you and I have been living in this situation most of our lives, but I do hope there is a weird comfort knowing that there are other people out there that are in similar situations.

Good luck and stay strong.

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

blondguy — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 12:48:41 GMT

Hi Jean

I was checking on Taylors thread and just wanted to say Welcome to the BB Forums

You actually have been a big help to Marigold (who posted on the 9th) and other people as well just by offering your help today.

In a nutshell Jean, you have to go to Europe for work...Depression is not terminal like cancer.....Go to Europe.

Depression/PTSD is common and can be healed with regular visits to a therapist or even a GP.

Having an argument with a young sales person is most likely the depression talking not your partner. Having depression is no excuse for being belligerent or having an argument with anyone...especially over something small or unimportant. What it does show (just my opinion as I have what your partner has) is that he still needs to heal and that can can take time.....Go to Europe....

Is your partner seeing anyone at least every two weeks? Even once a month? He needs to.

The meds do nearly nearly wipe out the sex drive...The meds also effect the same part of the brain where 'stimuli' is concerned. They will have an effect on his sex drive.

His lack of sleep is a concern....I have the same illness but sleep like a log and am productive during the day.

If you want any info you are more than welcome to reply Jean-Louise

Just my very humble opinion but your partner will survive....go to Europe, especially for your career...:-)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

romantic_thi3f — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 23:54:35 GMT

Hi Marigold,

Welcome to BeyondBlue and thanks for reaching out to us.

I'm sorry that your in this situation and it sounds like you're having a tough time right now. I'm glad your husband is seeing a psychiatrist, does he feel like that is helping?

From what you've said it sounds like you're a little bit torn; I hear that you want to amicably leave but that you've been trying to resolve things too. Deciding to leave a relationship is a big step, so I think first comes believing that this is the right step for you.

Certainly if your husband is seeing a psychiatrist this might be something that he is able to talk about, and potentially get more support. There might even be a suggestion of both of you seeing the psychiatrist, or even relationship therapy- depending of course on the path you want to go down.

If you still feel ready to leave and sure that this is what you want, know that you do not control his actions. His depression and what he decides to do (if you leave) are his decisions and his choices, not yours. Often people struggling with depression who have their partners/spouses leave do tend to relapse if they do not have a lot of support around them, but this does not mean they can't get better.

I'm wondering if it's worth trying to take some time to yourself just to think about things and where you'd like to be. Often when people have spouses that struggle with depression they can find that therapy helps them too; I know I personally have found therapy has helped me in lots of different ways; whether it's understanding what they're going through, or just having space to deal with my own thoughts and feelings. Maybe this might be something you want to consider.

I hope this helps.