topic How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship? in Supporting family and friends

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

Becky2223 — Tue, 17 Mar 2015 09:32:51 GMT

I am desperately seeking advice about how to cope with my mum's depression and anxiety and the impact this is having on our relationship. My mum had depression when I was 10 years old and was on a psychiatric ward for 6 months, she seemed better for about 12 years but 18 months ago seemingly became unwell overnight. She is still in the deep dark hold of depression and I feel that our once close relationship has completely broken down. When she became ill it all came out that she had been having affairs with other men despite still being married to my father. I am struggling with getting over this and forgiving her, but also the total lack of interest she has in me, my life and our relationship.

When I talk about my life I feel as thought she is just jealous (which she admits she is), but I have worked really hard to achieve a happy relationship, a good circle of friends and a promising career. All she wants to do is talk about her marriage problems and her ill-health but these conversations are such a strain on my own mental well-being. I really am at my wits end, it is really getting me down. When I try to talk to my dad about it he doesn't listen to me and will interrupt telling me how terrible it is for him as he is her main carer and I live away, but this situation is affecting me deeply and I think about it all the time. I am currently having my own health problems and feel completely unsupported by my parents, yesterday I realised that I am not getting anything positive from my relationship with either of them at the moment. I feel very lonely from the loss of these relationships. Perhaps sound very self-pitying here but I am desperate to improve this situation. I have been having counselling but I still feel very hopeless about the whole thing.

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

White_Rose — Wed, 18 Mar 2015 08:19:26 GMT

Dear Becky

This is a very hard and sad situation you are in. It's good that you can write in to this forum and I offer you a warm welcome.

It appears that all three of you (mom, dad and you) are finding this situation harmful. This is the reality of mental illness as it affects not only the person with the illness but the rest of the family as well.

I want to comment about your mother's affairs. Whether or not you approve of this is beside the point. I know it is hard when someone we love behaves in a way that is upsetting and against our own values. But this is her choice. You feel it's wrong on all sorts of levels and for you this is so. You cannot decide what your mom can do. Only your mom can make that decision.

All your feelings about forgiving her are getting in the way of loving her. I'm not suggesting you condone her actions, just be aware of it's influence on your relationship. Forget the forgiveness. Accept her as she is. Maybe her actions are due to the depression, or may be other reasons.

It's the same with your dad. I presume he knows about his wife's affairs and is very hurt by her behaviour. His choice at the moment is to accept her. Only he can decide what to do.

What is your mother is trying to say to you? Can you listen enough to get past the complaints? She has admitted she is jealous of your success. Perhaps she is trying to be successful in her own way. It may not seem that way to you but clearly your mom's depression has an effect on her actions. And this is normal. Everyone who writes here and experiences depression knows that they make decisions and take actions that are not in their best interest.

It's the same with your dad. He may not be depressed but he is certainly unhappy. And that makes him unable to see past his hurt.

You have not mentioned if either of your parents are receiving any professional assistance. Have either of them been to see their GP? I suggest you make this a priority for both of them.

To return to your needs. You say you have a partner and a circle of good friends. Can any of them give you support with your medical problems? Your parents are not in a stable place to help you. I know it's the pits as we expect our parents to be there for us.

Listen to your parents and let them get their distress out of their system. But limit the contact to a manageable level. No trying to get them to see sense in any way as it will not happen. Get them to see their doctor and let the doctor manage their health.

Write in again.

Mary

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

Becky2223 — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 16:05:40 GMT

Mary thank you for your kind words. This has been so helpful to me and I will no doubt read your post again when I am struggling to accept my parents for what they are. I feel I have been fighting what is happening but this is getting me no where and only making me feel worse. Accepting my parents for what they are is easier said than done but this does seem the way forward in order to reduce the distress it is causing me. My mum is having a lot of input from mental health services, my dad is too stubborn to think he needs any help. As for me, I will continue with my counselling for now and hope that in time I will be able to come to terms with everything that has happened.

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

White_Rose — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 22:16:03 GMT

Dear Becky

I am so pleased you found my words helpful. I did not mean to imply it would be easy to accept your parents as they are. It's always difficult to see those we love struggling and be unable to help, because we cannot make decisions for them. You have my heartfelt sympathy in this very difficult situation.

It's good your mom is getting help. The difficult part is that this will probably be a long journey, as we all know from our various experiences. Keep on with your counselling. Anything that helps is good.

Have you ever tried meditation? It gives you space to let your mind and body rest for a short time. And this will gradually seep, as it were, into the rest of your life giving you more ability to stay grounded.

I am probably telling you what you already know, but just to remind you. Make sure you have enough rest and a good diet. I know it sounds obvious but I have found it hard cooking for one person, me. The temptation to skip meals or make do with quick snacks is an easy fix.

Also try to get some exercise. Going for walks is great and even better if someone walks with you. For me, walk is a four letter word, especially on my own. So I go to an exercise class. Exercise has a strong influence on reducing the effects of depression and stress.

Please write in as often as you need and have the energy. I will look for your posts.

Mary

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

Punungy — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 06:16:11 GMT

Hi Becky,

Sorry to hear about your mum. I know exactly how you feel. I still feel unloved and uncared for 2 years later. I have 2 kids now and my own mother still hasn't seen her grandchildren. She has nothing to do with my brother or sister. I have tried to get her to move closer to us but refuses to do this. At the same time she expects us to be there for her and show her some concern. Having my own family is first priority not my mother. She has chosen to live where she is but yet complains she is lonely and no one cares for her. I'm not sure what your mother is like but my mother is a very difficult person and was even when she didn't have depression. She has tried many times to put her children against each other and this is just not right for a mother to do. She has used my sister financially and now that my sister cannot help her anymore financially she wants nothing to do with her. Part of it I blame on her depression and the other part on her personality.I am trying to have some sort of contact despite the nasty things she is doing. I insist on not talking about the past and try not to get too personal with her. I feel happier and calmer when I don't talk to her. Yet I feel so guilty when I stop talking to her. It's a constant battle. She makes me feel guilty when I don't speak to her and leaves abusive messages on my phone. She feels I have abandoned her but really I just want peace with her. My mother complains about her health to me all the time and has mentioned suicide many times. She refuses to see physcholgist. She continues to take strong pain killers. She refuses to pay money to go to a drug rehab to come off them and complains it's too much money. Yet she spends money on fixing a 4 bedroom house. I told her that her health is more important.I have blocked her number in the past and am very close to doing it again as I am starting to get anxiety after I speak to her. It's not worth it in the end. If I am not emotionally well for my family then my family is not well. I ask myself this question all the time: would I let a friend be in my life who was negative, put me down as a person, wasn't involved in my everyday life, and didn't care for me? The answer is no, I wouldn't. So why should I put up with my mother? i hope this helps. I hope haven't been too negative. All the best with your mum and always remember to take care of your own mental health first.

How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?

White_Rose — Sun, 29 Mar 2015 06:57:06 GMT

dear Beck

I am checking in with you to see how you are going. You sounded quite positive in your last post which is great.

Hang in with your counsellor and remember that your parents do care for you. They are not able to show it at this time.

Write in again whenever you have the need. It helps to write down your feelings and "put them out there".

All the best.

Mary