topic New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder in Supporting family and friends

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

DanielV — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 08:15:30 GMT

Hello Everyone,

I've just become a member here. I'm in my mid 30s and have a younger sister and brother. My brother, a couple of years younger than I; has Borderline Personality Disorder. He has found life incredibly difficult since he was young and we (the family) simply didn't know what was going on. We've had round after round of serious events with my brother, where crisis after crisis have severely impacted his life to the point where he has needed family help.

Recently, he seems to have taken a turn for the worse, after a relationship with a woman broke down. He describes being so torn by the breakup and seems unable to completely sever contact with her and so continually seems tormented by this person. As a family member its so hard to know whether to advise him to cut of all contact with this person, or to accept that maybe, with his condition; he CAN'T simply cut off contact.

Getting through Christmas was difficult. We (the family) knew he could go off at any time and we had agreed to keep conversations with him mild and let any outbursts go unchallenged, for fear of fueling the fire.

Today my brother called me and was in an explosive mood and some perceived wrong I had done him. I feel very guilty about this, but he arced me up and I responded with fire as well. I regret that. He hung up amid a fire of accusations and it left me feeling scared, upset, angry and deeply unsettled. To say this has happened before is an understatement.

I'm looking to reach out to others. We as a family are having very limited success getting my brother into ongoing treatment and now it has got to the point where we now need some people to share our experiences with.

If there are any families out there living with a Borderline Personality family member, I'd be very interested in forming a social network. Meet up didn't seem to have many such groups, so I thought best to come here.

Thanks for your time and if you read this message, thank you for your time and energy.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 12:25:59 GMT

Hi DanielV , welcome to this forum

Briefly, I suffer from depression, dysthymia (a form of depression), bipolar 2 and a fading anxiety disorder. My mother I believe has BPD but, in typical BPD style is still in denial (I'm 58yo she is 83). Even if she sought treatment it is well know that with BPD sufferers rarely keep treatment going.....because "I havent got a problem its everyone else that has the problem".

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to google "witch, waif, hermit and queen". It is 4 characters made up by Dr Christine Lawson that a BPD sufferer can be. They might not be all 4 characters though. My mother was all 4 and chronically so. All our lives went from moment of nurture as children to fits of rage and a feeling that she owned us. As were grew older she desperately tried to keep ownership of our lives and we as children were never good enough.

Turmoil made by her in our family was commonplace. She always needed a headline, a target. And we, her kids, had our turn every 8 weeks or so. When we werent her target we were adored, hence we thought we would never be a target again. Lies were common but she was cunning enough to not get caught. She could quote doctors elevated concerns but we could never confirm this could we? 5 years ago an incident happened. She had an alleged heart attack. I ran her daily (she lived 4 hours drive away) for 6 weeks. Then suddenly one night I rang and she claimed her heart was fine, that she had been told 6 days earlier by her doctor she was ok. She obviously forgot the several call I made in the meantime and each time went on as if her heart was weak and could be terminal. She then went on to tell me she was going blind. At that point I old her I am willing to attedn her doctor with her. She got angry and hung up. She then did what she had done all our lives- she rang my sister to get her on side , which had been effective for 50 years. To divide and conquer. This time it didnt work and she has been history ever since. But she works behind the scenes trying to hurt us with our relatives, painting a picture of how evil we are and how good she has been to us.

As I say to any of them- no one knows what its like to be a child of a BPD parent but the child that is one.

You can google "child of a BPD mother" to see the effects. And some of my mental issues are due to her.

In men BPD is rarer.It is common for siblings and children to separate from the BPD person- forever. For their actions destroy love.

Tony WK

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Doolhof — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:32:58 GMT

Hi DanielV

Welcome to Beyond Blue and the forums here. I hope you are able to receive some help and advice that will answer a few questions for you. Hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions? Is your brother seeing a Dr/psychologist/counsellor for his Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you and your family read up on this illness/ Have you checked out the internet to find ways to assist a person suffering from this condition? Have you tried contacting a facilitator through the phone help services or webchat here at Beyond Blue? Someone there will be able to suggest organisations where you could get acceptance. Might be a bit tricky getting help over the Festive Season with organisations and groups closed for the holiday.

Have you tried looking up Support Groups in your area? I am not sure what is available.

As for me, I suffer from BPD, so does my Mum even though I don't think she would believe so. I was diagnosed with the illness a few years ago and it certainly has made sense of my life and the way I have behaved and carried on in the past!

Tony's story made a lot of sense to me. I have battled my BPD with my belief and faith in Christianity. I have desperately tried for decades to be so filled with my Christian principles, that they have thankfully out weighted the repercussions and ways of BPD. I could so easily let fly and allow the BPD to take over and cause so many problems.

A younger family member is now going through BPD and is having a terrible time. This person can rip the family apart and have no idea at all they have caused the problem. I am trying to show this person they can work on changing and controlling the way they react.

I found cognitive therapy and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy to be very helpful. I also bought a couple of books on BPD. One I have found very helpful is Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies. It is along the lines of the books they first put out "computer skills for Dummies". I find the "Dummies" bit to be stupid and downgrading but the book is very helpful.

Check out your nearest library and see if they have any books on Borderline Personality Disorder.

From Mrs. Dools

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Doolhof — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 21:34:28 GMT

Me again DanielV,

I went over my allotted Characters which is not unusual for me. Ha. Ha. So hopefully here is the last of what I had wanted to write to you:

Look after yourself and the help the rest of the family be strong for them selves as well and continue to help your brother when you can. I can relate to your story from so many aspects! Hang in there and let me know how you get on.

Other people here in the Beyond Blue community will be interested as well. Let us all know if you find some interesting websites, book titles or what ever to help you along. Keep in touch,

From Mrs. Dools.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

DanielV — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 15:22:29 GMT

Apologies for the delay in responding, but thankyou to Tony and Mrs Dools for your responses, most appreciated.

Mrs Dools --> You ask whether myself or my family members have read up about BPD - yes, most of us have, although to varying degrees and often from different sources.

I have only just recently started looking for BPD support groups. I live in Melbourne's outer East, I wouldn't be surprised if something exists along the lines I'm after, but I'll have to look around.

My brother has had a very tough time with life recently. Basically, the issues with his life have been going on for so long now without any real improvement for him or for us, his family; that we now feel the only option is for him to be told - you must seek treatment - here is the financial assistance, but you must actually go there. The old saying, "You can lead a horse to water.." is very applicable right now.

Thank you everyone for reading these posts and for those that replied, I appreciate your time and energy.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Doolhof — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 12:45:16 GMT

Hi Daniel,

From what you have written, I am taking it to read that your Brother is not really totally aware of how he is affecting himself or you, his family by his actions and behaviours.

I realise life can really suck big time and it is very difficult to get yourself out of a rut. It is wonderful your Brother has you and others there to help and support him.

Of course I don't know the situation at all, but if he is unable to accept that he is a problem and he has a mental health concern, he may not go quietly to receive the help he needs.

Or he might just realise that yes he is suffering and he does need all the help he can get.

I would just like to suggest that maybe you contact your Dr or better still your brother's Dr and ask where to go from here and what is the best option for helping your brother. Maybe you have done that already?

Or call a phone help line like Beyond Blue, Life Line, A mental health hot line (can't think of the other appropriate services right now) and someone might be able to advise you all on how to proceed.

With all that is going on, please ensure that you and your family are al aware of how these needed actions may make you all feel. Be there for each other, keep your communication open and look out for each other along the way.

Mental health issues can be a very rough journey, like cancer, kidney transplants, heart attacks and so many other health problems people deal with.

Thanks for letting us know how things are going! All the best with this journey.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

QuentinBarnes — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 01:19:44 GMT

I signed up just now to thank Daniel and everyone who has replied for sharing their experiences. It was like looking into a mirror of my own experiences with my sister.

We have been dealing with exactly the same sort of situations for years now, but only recently have I been able to put a name against her condition (BPD). This was originally suggested to me by her psychologist (who called me after concerns for her well-being once the suicide threats started), but I didn't realise at the time that it referred to a specific condition. I thought he was speaking in general terms of personality disorders. My thoughts were "definitely some sort of personality disorder - there's nothing borderline about it!".

She has been completely dependent on my mother the past few years since she had an accident (bike vs car). Unfortunately, 4 months ago Mum was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. Surgery/radiotherapy/chemotherapy all quickly followed, but she has deteriorated rapidly, and is now completely unable to communicate coherently, or look after herself. My sister (by virtue of living under the same room), has been the primary carer the past few months, with myself and other family members assisting where possible.

The other half of her story is prior to her accident she was working on a PhD. Unknown to us, this was not going well even before the accident. Her inability to relate to people in a normal manner, combined with her frequent explosive outbursts/meltdowns meant that this was never going to work out even without the accident taken into account. She has spent the past 2.5 years appealing to all possible avenues to "get her PhD back", which in her eyes was "taken from her" because everyone is against her. Accusations of bullying, misconduct, etc...

Last week she received more bad news regarding her university position. This time it was from a discrimination appeals board - they wouldn't even take on her case...there's simply nothing to suggest it's valid. The bad news combined with the strain of caring for her dying mother let to yet more meltdowns.

Anyway...I could go on forever. There's plenty more to say, but the wise 2500 character limit is keeping me in check.

Thank you once more for all these shared experiences. I'm off to read about "Witches, Queens, Hermits, and Waifs" now!

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 03:29:25 GMT

Hi QB,

Thankyou for going to the trouble with your reply.

The term "witches, hermits. queens " etc are really nasty terms IMO. The articles and books from Christine Lawson does indeed clarify a lot of characteristics about some BPD people. But those terms can be mean for those suffering BPD.

I just want to throw into this conversation that BPD sufferers do not intentionally act like these characters. It's their illness. They are unwell.

Th real issue is lack of treatment for many and even those diagnosed often dont continue treatment in the long term due to their outlook on it.

Anyway, glad you like the forums.

Tony WK

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Happygal — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 13:11:58 GMT

Hello DanielIV

i am concerned that my husband has this disorder, and want to approach him about it but am worried he will get angry and not accept it. He has been very hard to cope with especially lately and we are continually fighting. Tomorrow we are having a talk, and i'm thinking of bringing this up. I have also been suffering from depression, mainly cause i lost my job, so i'm not feeling really strong right now and not coping well myself. Your life also sounds difficult with your brother and the chat group would be good.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Pixie15 — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 22:50:49 GMT

Hi All,

Thank you DanielV for sharing your story and everyone else who has contributed.

I did have a look at the "Witches, Queens, Hermits and Waifs" and although I have not read the book I think it may be a bit mean and simplistic to label people like this. However some of the suggestions I found on family member responses seemed useful to understanding my own situation.

I have recently encountered the difficulties of relating to someone with BPD. From my recent contact I am not sure that I would like to rely on anyone with this condition as a full-time carer for a family member. Although I am prone to a bit of rescuing behavior myself so maybe I am not the best person to judge.

Grateful.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 00:36:43 GMT

Hi Grateful Today, thankyou for your post

Yes,those labels are simplistic and mean, hurtful etc but for some it hits the mail on the head- for me the extracts of her book printed on the internet solve a lifelong issue with me about my mother.

See, she would never get help, to concede the train wreck was happening behind her - hurting deeply the ones she is suppose to love and protect, was never in her thoughts. She was always right and I feared her.

My sister and I have been estranged from her for 5 years now and we are in our 50's. We are still emotionally clawing back our lives that we should have had, a life of calm, adult discussions,, supportive attitudes and care. The swings and roundabouts our mother had us chained to was unsustainable.

You are correct that those with BPD arent the best judges of the illness. The best judges IMO those on the receiving end.

But I admire your frankness.

This xmas just gone has been the 5th xmas my sister and I have had without any sign of turmoil. 5 years ago we sat down and decided we now have our own family to lead without our mother causing havoc and upset. We decided to create a calm atmosphere of commitment and care. It worked.

As for my mother now 84yo she has remarried. She still works behind the scenes with relatives trying to prove we are evil, twisting facts, manipulating and dreaming up ways to "force" us to comply, to give up our stance. She still holds onto her power with some. Cousins have been lost as they "side" with her. Loving aunties also elderly are scared my mother will find out they are in contact with us.She is so convincing.

The best example of how bad this was- my first marriage in 1985. One week before the wedding it was like an explosion came, she went into full flight over such minor issue. It is always a small trigger that sets her off. Hence we can never avoid lighting the fuse.

In 2010 I was to wed the second time. I was estranged from her. My daughter told me my mother said "I'm going to be in that town that day (the day of my wedding)" Our town is 4 hours drive from hers.

It was a way of again trying to haunt/stalk and ruin. I got a intervention order. If I had seen her car on my wedding day I would be a mess. The wedding went off great. But I had to ensure that..such is her power of fear.

But few understand. the magistrate, prior to issuing the order said "she is 80 years old, an old woman"! To which I replied.."yes, but 80yo women can mentally torture you too".

The order was granted.

Tony WK

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Pixie15 — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 09:06:09 GMT

Hi Tony,

What do you think is the female equivalent of a white knight?

What a story. I do not want to meet your mother. Isn't it funny how we always expect older people to be nicer. The trouble is that a lot of people who are on the receiving end of the caring do not really understand as in many cases they are just too young. I was actually thinking about QuentinBarnes post when I wrote what I did about the carer. I do not think that someone with BPD would be the best to care for an elderly and frail person. If it were my mother I would be trying to get her into a nursing home.

I had a guest for Christmas who has been diagnosed with BPD. Although not undergoing treatment at present. When I tried to maintain my boundaries she tried to use her child in a very mean way to make me feel bad. The child actually asked me when we were alone together if I am a bad person. Thankfully the child has other influences in her life at the present that seem to be more positive. I don't know. It really worries me. But there is nothing I can do.

Cheerio,

Grateful.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 11:17:04 GMT

Hi GT,

"When I tried to maintain my boundaries she tried to use her child in a very mean way to make me feel bad" Triangulation is a prime weapon of the cronic BPD.

For 54 years I was never close to my sister until we both split from mother. And we have remained close.

The only thing left for us to do was remove her most needed weapon- communication. All communication.

Three letters were sent to me post our split. All returned to her unopened. I knew what were in those letters. Things like "if your father was alive he'd be disgusted in you" and many more statements of hurt and ridicule.

Ones life begins truly when you no longer need to know whats in such letters and when nothing she says can heal the wounds inflicted.

There is no game when there is only one player. My mother knows no other way of behaviour but to manipulate and one minute make you the golden child then next week the villain. Sadly that up and down effect all my life has had its results. Moodiness, mental illnesses like bipolar 2, depression and dysthymia.

I just no longer wanted to be one of her chess pieces.

Tony WK

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Happygal — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 12:02:55 GMT

Hi Daniel

I have read the different posts and am saddened to see that so many family members just give up. I know it is hard to deal with BPD, but it is a mental illness and, if we love them we should try and help them. I am interested in how you go with trying to get him help. I am also on the verge of trying to get my husband to agree and accept help to, which i have little chance of achieving but i will try for his sake and mine. Even though life with him can be very hard, i love him deeply and at times he can be very loving and fun. I am not giving up on him and hopefully i cna get him some help. The book seems like a good idea, i could buy it and one day he may just look at it. Good luck and i look forward to your reply.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Wed, 07 Jan 2015 06:10:42 GMT

Hi happygal.

Quote "and am saddened to see that so many family members just give up.". Unfortunately BPD sufferers. mainly those that do not seek treatment for various reasons including denial ("it's you that has the problem") leave a trail of destruction as they go through their lives.

I've googled "children of parents with BPD" and found after much reading that such children (like myself) can and often do develop mental illness from being raised by such parents. So, yes you are correct, BPD sufferers have a mental illness, but their treatment of others can be so severe, so hurtful and so possessive that their children end up with other illnesses like bipolar and depression. Even loss of confidence.

So as a result of this, We children have to not only cope with our parent placing huge stress on our lives but we need to cope with our own illnesses.

And where you end up at that point is- try to convince the BPD parent to seek treatment. BPD sufferers are known to not seek treatment then when they do they dont last in therapy for very long due to their stubborn stance.

In the end (in my case I'm 58yo so say at least 50 years of tolerating this) you are desperate to have a calm, stable and content life without the manipulation, outbursts, demands, childish pranks and scheming.

I apologise if I paint this mother of mine in such a manner that others reading here will be hurt by this description, and every case is different with various degrees of severity of the illness. but I had had enough. It was time to care for myself.

The stories I can tell over decades would astound many. But one trait of my mother hits the nail on the head. I read it in extracts of Dr Christine Lawsons "walking on egg shells". She says that the "queen" character of the BPD mother treats her children as if they are an extension of herself, owned by her and even as a 50yo man "you will obey me" was in her stance. She owned us children and any behaviour not 100% perfect and 100% for her benefit would not be tolerated. Consequences would begin, the defaming with relatives, the threats of erasing you from the family will (not that I cared) or the worst...causing conflict between us siblings.

We've just finished xmas. For 5 years straight it went off very well. My sister and I had a ball, cared and loved each other without the beat up stories, the lies and the games.

Forgiveness has been tried many times. Had she tried treatment it would have been different. There is a limit to everything in life.

New Member - Brother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Happygal — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 12:52:36 GMT

Hello White Knight

Yes i can understand that after many years you would just want a peaceful life. I have suffered the same as you in many ways and yes i have depression, but luckily i am getting treatment and improving. I do have to walk on eggshells as well at times and he always demands attention to himself but is not always willing to return the same attention.

We have just been away with family and he has been pretty good, whilst among them, as i suppose he doesnt want them to see. But this was a pleasant break for me from his moods. My stepdaughter also suffers from his behaviour, she lives with us, and she always says he treats me bad.

I am thinking of approaching him about it soon, but am very worried about it. Thankyou for your reply.