topic Help needed in Supporting family and friends

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 12:41:23 GMT

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

Help needed

Here2Talk — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 12:51:47 GMT

Hi Unsure. Sorry to hear things are difficult at the moment. Sounds like you love her very much. It’s hard when someone is abusive towards you.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 13:10:35 GMT

Hi here2talk

I do love her very much but my actions by walking hasn't shown that, but it's hard when she doesn't take her medication and now she doesn't trust me at all

Help needed

Guest9337 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 14:20:28 GMT

G'day Unsure77,

Love can survive much, but it can hold us in painful situations too.

Walking away from being hit again is a very loving thing to do.

Hitting a loved one hurts both people usually.

Walking away is also an expression of loving yourself enough to avoid harm.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 21:14:50 GMT

Hi David n Goliath

I understand what your saying, but I feel terrible for leaving her when she probably needed me most.

Help needed

Guest9337 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 21:44:16 GMT

Hi Unsure77, thanks for your understanding. Even a burnt bridge can be rebuilt.

She may benefit from any help you could provide from a safe distance/place or with somebody else present.

eg. Can you safely show her the beyond blue Bipolar disorder webpage?

Could you text/email her a link to that page?

Extending an olive branch in that safe way might help her by showing her you care. At least you will feel less terrible for having tried.

You may come up with a better idea along similar lines...

If you wanted to show full commitment to restoration you could send flowers with a heart felt letter that included gentle direction to aforementioned bb webpage, or similar.

good luck, dng

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 21:50:55 GMT

I was reading some other posts very similar to my experience, I also got blamed for everything never said the right things and had all my answers turned twisted and turned on me, it completely broke me I had never felt so useless and down in my life. Again like what others have said she said I make her feel worthless, I don't love her and I don't put her on a pedi stool. I just sat there with no reply either looking at her or the floor while she ripped me. But again I loved and still love her so much, I wish I could have been more resilient and still be with her to do more.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 21:53:51 GMT

Hi dng

id love to but a week after I left she cleared the house and I don't know where she is or have a number for her.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 22:18:55 GMT

Also when I have tried emailing saying that I love and miss her I get not so nice replies from the family saying how much I destroyed her and how much she loved me. I know she wasn't taking her medication for the last couple of months even though I asked her to. She thinks I cheated on her which I didn't. Says she has evidence but wouldn't show me. Towards the end I even started to believe I did.

Help needed

Here2Talk — Wed, 14 Jul 2021 00:12:42 GMT

Wise words by David and Goliath. It’s hard to tell what the future will hold...

Your fiancée was diagnosed with bipolar and on medication, was she having any psychotherapy as well?

Help needed

Unsure77 — Wed, 14 Jul 2021 01:10:15 GMT

She stopped taking her medication about two or so months ago, that's when things started to get bad. But refused to see a therapist aswell thought she had it under control

Help needed

Unsure77 — Wed, 14 Jul 2021 10:21:24 GMT

We went to see a couples therapist once and I was made to look like the worst partner possible even though I was feeling that way because she was so upset and depressed and angry.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 00:06:06 GMT

I miss my fiancé so much everyday seems to get harder and harder. I just wish I was more resilient to the anger and violence and she would beleive that I didn't cheat on her. I also know if I try contact her I will more than likely loose my family and friends and potentially never see my kids again.

What do I do?

Help needed

Guest9337 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 00:34:32 GMT

Morning Unsure77.

I read you're finding days increasingly harder.

No matter how resilient you are, if it keeps getting harder, things will crash - lets avoid that!

My violent father would say "Clear the air son, let 'em have it."

I still agree with that as the way towards building resilience, the acknowledgment that "this is enough!".

What do we do?

Examine alternatives, think/feel about each one. Put our heart in the right place and act. Observe, reassess and refine going forward.

Don't Panic! That's a Douglas Adams quote from HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy fyi.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 00:47:44 GMT

Morning dng

i have a letter I have written her but I only want her to see it not her children, I want her to know that things would have been different if she had believed me. I left for my own safety but I'm so miserable and lost without her I just don't know what to do.

Help needed

Sophie_M — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 00:58:54 GMT

Hi Unsure77,

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling miserable and lost, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation right now. We understand that this must be very overwhelming, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Help needed

Guest9337 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 01:00:49 GMT

Yo Unsure77. I'll put up options as I see them if you like, feel free to ignore or even report my post, or feedback 2 me.

u have letter. dont want her children to see.

do want her to know things could be different if she believes.

u left for safety, r miserable and lost now.

confused.

****

That's some courageous stuff to confront... options...

1. give her the letter without any conditions. she could show her kids or not as she chooses.

2. write at the top of the letter "private and confidential for HER eyes only"

3. edit the current letter, so that it shows only what u are comfortable the kids also seeing.

4. keep being safe. so if you hand the letter over personally u need an ally there.

5. could post the letter OR, have the letter couriered to HER and only acceptable by her, needing her signature on it. Couriers do that kind of stuff all the time fyi.

6. what things/stuff outside of HER, used to inspire you, or used to make you happy or content?

7. options I/we haven't thought of yet.

Help needed

Unsure77 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 01:34:28 GMT

Thanks dng

rhey are very confronting things for me to get through at the moment and your post is helpful, I have sent the letter via signature needed. I guess I wait for a reply or hope she even reads it.

thankyou for your help

Help needed

Guest9337 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 01:41:02 GMT

you're most welcome. Do you want to chat about anything else or delve deeper? or...

dng

Help needed

Unsure77 — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 01:58:56 GMT

I am worried about a response, I didn't see my kids for about 4 months and I'm just starting to see them again which is great but my ex wife is being very difficult now because of all of this with my now ex fiancé . I am afraid if things work out with my fiancé I will loose my kids again, not just that I'm not convinced my fiancé will take her medication talk to a therapist and nothing will change.