topic My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage in Supporting family and friends

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 01:17:00 GMT

Originally posted by:Karen on 27 April 2011

My husband has been depressed now for as long as I can remember and after 8 years together, this morning I feel as though I can't hang on any longer. He is withdrawn from everything, he goes to work, comes home, goes for a walk, has 2 beers and goes to bed. On weekends he will never do anything with me. Our intimacy has vanished and usually I am so upset I sleep in the other room. I've tried to explain to him for the past two years that we need to spend 'quality time' together regularly or even occasionally if we are stay connected as a couple and he says understands but then continues to refuse to go anywhere with me. I have nursed him back to health many times, I make sure he has his vitamins & good meals, I have helped him reduce his drinking dramatically but for the past few years I have not been able to connect with my husband emotionally as he is shutdown all the time and stonewalls me. He won't see a doctor, won't take medication and I know if I leave him, he will just say he is a failure at marriage and get worse but living with a man with depression is a living hell for the wife too. I do feel selfish sometimes but I feel like I deserve a life and after searching for many years to find a loving husband now I have lost him to depression, it's just not fair. I feel like, if I stay, I will soon be plagued with depression also. If I go, my husband may harm himself. I just live in this limbo day after day and we have the same arguments week after week. We are financially bankrupt and have lost everything, we don't earn enough money to even pay our bills so he everyday he gets deeper into the depression plus my husband's father is dying of prostate cancer yet I still get angry and frustrated with him. My husband's nephew committed suicide 2 years ago and I now think its a family disposition which worries me even more. I just don't know what to do to break this cycle.

Interested in replying to this thread and not already a member of our forums? Join up here.

Living with a depressed partner for 10 years

Husband refusing to seek help

Husband with depression spiralling out of control

Husband with a score of 49 has moved out to avoid triggers

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:46:14 GMT

Originally posted by: Heth on 27 April 2011

Hi Karen, you are going through a lot and I really don't know what to say...so I'm just going to say what comes. My thoughts are with you darling and I shall say a prayer for you and this sad situation you are fighting. It is hard to help someone who does not want to be helped. I guess there is only so much you can do, but you want to try and exhaust all avenues before giving up on your marriage. In saying that, I believe you must take care of yourself first and foremost or you will not be able to fight this. You can't do this alone, so you could try and look at getting some assistance for both the marriage and your husbands depression. Relationships Australia can help you with the relationship, and yes they will see you on your own, because I would presume your husband would not be wanting to go, or even in a fit enough state to. It may sound trivial, but little things may help 'boost' your marriage ... a love note in his lunch bag, candle lit dinner at home, soft music, things that he has no choice in accepting. He needs to be diagnosed first before treatment. Did this start with the knowledge of his fathers illness? This may have a huge amount to do with his depression. You could be rather cunning and call up a locum Dr who specializes in Mental Health, to come out to the house (?) This may be the only way. Other than this I am sure there is a section on BB that can assist for partners who have depression and if you are in Victoria there is a site called ARAFEMI which I believe is very good, too. All the best Karen and don't give up on your husband or yourself! Heth x

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 00:12:19 GMT

Originally posted by: Lynthi on 28 April 2011

Hi Karen, You are a very good woman to stay and try and help your severely depressed husband. You're right, Depression is definitely a relationship killer. Depression is treatable, managable yet not curable. Medication today is very effective when the type and dosage is correct. Your husband relies on you to keep his health even at the minimal level for survival. That's a significant demand placed on you 'the carer'. You feel guilty for having quite natural feelings. Your husband needs to address his health issues with a Mental Health Professional. It's only fair that he play his part in his own recovery. You can't do it for him. He has your support. A temporary withdrawal of 'enabling' may encourage him to find his way by himself . This may be what is required. At least he only drinks 2 beers a night. It would be much worse with many beers. Your fear that he could regress to earlier form is a realistic concern. There is also the fear that if you left he would 'commit suicide'. You are currently in a very awkward and manipulated position. No one should feel forced to stay in an unhappy situation if the other party isn't doing anything to actively retrieve 'good health'. He is either wittingly or unwittingly aware of the fear you feel for him to his advantage. I think he must see a Doctor for his own sake. It may not only be Depression. In addition he may also have a Thyroid problem which makes people very tired and irritable, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. All possible illnesses need to be assessed. You may also wish to attend a GP to discuss your situation and the circumstances you are currently operating under. You may need some counselling so as to enable you to deal with your own feelings. You need a listening ear so as to vent. No medication required. Best wishes. You are living in a very difficult situation. You are always welcome on the board. Please let us all know how things progress. Good luck, Lyn.

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 00:47:39 GMT

Originally posted by: Roger on 28 April 2011

Karen, Well done. Very brave to come on here and air this but certainly the right move as you are in good company. I can give you the husband with depression's perspective as I have a wife that has to live with my depression. Quite honestly my situation differs as I religiously see my doctor, psychologist and take medication. I am well on top (most of the time) and realise that I cannot fight this alone. This is probably where my wife feels a sense of calm in that not everything falls to her and that the relationship doesn't suffer due to me seeking out the appropriate professional help and doing what I can to help me manage. Getting through to your husband here is imperative. Getting him to a doctor and other help is extremely important but if he doesn't want to go, it makes it very tough. Is there a friend that can help him face his situation? Family member? I was faced with my first bout about 10 years ago and it hit me like a rocket. I was feeling lower than I felt a human being could feel. I didn't know such misery could exist. I can only describe it as death warmed up. However, despite pitfalls along the way, I have overcome much and have had to become open to forms of treatment that I never thought I would need. Anti-depressants, psychologists - no not me! The quicker he can lose these long held fears that seeing a psychologist or taking medication is only for basket cases the better. I am a normal, productive member of society but have some mental health issues. Good luck with it and keep in touch. I am happy to provide further details or answer any questions that may assist you to tackle this from a different angle. I must also stress that you cannot put it all on yourself to save him. He has to take some steps to help himself. I feel your job is help lead him down a path to help but don't take on the role of doctor and psychologist as it will slowly wear you down. Roger

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 02:09:37 GMT

Originally posted by: Rebecca on 28 April 2011

Hi Karen, I was crying so hard when I read your post. You described my life too. I also worry about our 2 young kids and try to keep things "normal". I'm not so sure I'm doing a great job. i did say for better or worse but like you, I also need a life not just an existance. I desperately want that for myself and my husband and I keep thinking he'll get better. I'm going to try and get him to the GP again. I don't think I could live with myself if I gave up on him because it was too hard for me. One hour at a time. Rebecca

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 19:46:17 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 29 April 2011

dear Karen, I have typed and re-typed replies to you, but just like Roger I was the same. All I can say is that the comments made by these dear people gives you some great advice, I am so sorry that I can't help you, or maybe it just brings back my past, and this should not have happened, but it's a story so close to my heart. I totally sympathise for you and know the hell it causes and I hope that it improves greatly. Please stay in contact, which will give me time to think over this. I feel as though it's a 'cop-out', and this should not happen, what if it happens again, and say, someone close to me was in the same position, then I should be able to help them, no matter what. Or the question may arise of how come I have been able to control depression, but can't help you, this is a valid, but a stupid question to me, it doesn't seem to be logical. Maybe I should just cancel this letter again, but here goes. L Geoff

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 21:04:12 GMT

Originally posted by: Karen on 30 April 2011

I was so overwhelmed to read the replies to my post. At last I don't feel so alone. I can't tell you all how much it meant to read your kind advice. This week I have tried to explain to my husband that if he does not address his depression that I did not know how our marriage would sustain and that I needed a few days break to think. He has responded by getting even more depressed, he rang me yesterday and said he wasn't well at work, that his body is aching all over and he can't stop crying. He said he doesn't know what he can do about the marriage he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He is just a man who goes to work and comes home and that's all he will ever be. He says he just doesn't have any interests. I told him that's because of the depression. He disagreed. He thinks i'm making unreasonable demands on him for expecting him to spend time with me on the weekends. I could tell by the way he was talking that he is starting to suffer psychosomatic symptoms and I knew I had to change course very quickly or he would crash. The last time this happened, he locked his keys and wallet in his car and disappeared. The police and I searched bushland for him as we suspected he was suicidal. It was the most terrifying time of my life. I suspect he was going to jump off the bridge however he eventually walked home. A few days later his legs & feet swelled up so bad he couldn't walk. He spend a week in hospital and they did all the tests but the psychiatrist eventually diagnosed psychosomatic symptoms. He buries things so deep that they manifest physically. The doctor put him on anti-depressants but he went off them after about 4 weeks, said they make him too drousy and he felt better. So on the phone yesterday I felt I had to tell him everything would be alright, I will never leave him, just to stay in the day and not allow his mind to tell him bad things and not to think about anything but what he has to do right now, that I would cook a lovely roast tonight and we would cuddle in bed and he could have a good sleep. It got him through the day and he feels a bit better but I am still left empty and unheard. I am taking all the advice on board. I think I'll start by seeing my local doctor and explaining it to her and then I think an intervention is necessary. I live in Sydney so I'll need to find out who can come to the house. The most frustating part is that because we have been through this all before my husband knows damn well in his heart that he is severly depressed he is just too stubborn to get help. I feel that if someone else can tell him the tremendous responsibility he is putting on me that he will listen and understand. At the moment he just thinks I'm a nagging wife. I'll keep in touch and thanks again, what a fantastic forum! Karen

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 15:47:46 GMT

Originally posted by: Rob on 1 May 2011

Karen, I was reading a parenting book today which happened to have a section on parental depression. It described many feelings I have and reactions i give. This was somewhat of a shock to me. Because depression is something I know little of, I immediately googled the subject and got onto this website. I read your story and the comments, which gave me something of an epiphany. My wife and I have now discussed the issue more clearly and I am now using google to find a psychiatrist to see next week. I'm sorry I have no advice to offer you, but I wanted to let you know that your posting has helped me a lot and I thank you for it. I wish you the best and I hope you can find a positive resolution to your situation. Rob

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sun, 01 May 2011 03:02:14 GMT

Originally posted by: lynthi on 1 May 2011

Hi Karen, I'm sorry to say that your husband knows how to press your buttons. He gets what he wants by direct threat or innuendo. Very cunning. When the situation determines he raises the anti on how he is going to get you to do what he wants e.g. leaving keys in car and taking off into the bush with the Police and Emergency Services searching for him. That got you back didn't it? What was it he didn't get from you? He is indeed very ill. In my opinion he needs hospitalisation. When you talk with your Doctor explain how he has been playing you like a fiddle. He shouldn't be rewarded for doing nothing to fix his 'own' health. It's difficult to assess whether some of his behaviour is pure 'rat cunning' (he gets exactly what he wants by its use) combined with a serious mental illness. You are able to contact the Crisis Assessment Treatment Team. If you don't have their number call the nearest large Hospital where you live and ask them for the CAT Teams phone number and give them a brief description of his behaviour. They will assess him over the phone and determine whether he should be placed into a Mental Health Facility. When he is considered well enough to leave, your husband may be put on a CTO (Community Treatment Order). This order requires that he adheres to the Mental Health Review Board Orders order to visit a Government Psychiatrist and depot medication may be administered. Depot medication is an order that he must take medication by order of the Law. It is generally administered with a syringe on a monthly basis. If he does not attend for its application the Police have the right to arrest him. It should keep him on an even keel. It may even make him better. If he is ordered and doesn't comply he may be placed by the Mental Health Review Board into care, until he is well enough to leave. He does have a right of appeal against the Mental Health Review Boards decisions. The Board consists of a Civilian, a Lawyer and a Psychiatrist. If your husband is acting up, you would be able to call the Crisis Assessment Team, they will assess him in situ and determine what risks if any are evident. If he appears mentally unwell, in their opinion, after consultation with their Crisis Manager and with that Manager's approval they shall call the Police and Ambulance and have him transported to a Mental Health Facility at a Major Hospital for his own safety and that of others. Your husband may trip himself up by being so cunningly needy and cute. You can play the Ace. The CAT team will have him removed and he shall be dealt with for his own well being. Personally, in my opinion I think your husband is cruel in the extreme. He plays emotional poker with you. You need in all honesty to have the strength to leave him. If you stay I can't see the future as being particularly bright. Least of all for you, Karen. When he threatens to do things, let him. You are not responsible for his well being. He alone is responsible for that. Feel no guilt. No matter what the outcome. No one can make another behave acceptably in a marital situation. My final advice would be to leave him. Ignore his attempts at attention. No one else should feel they could have done more. I think you have done and put up with enough. Stay safe, Lyn

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sun, 01 May 2011 20:03:33 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 2 May 2011

dear Lynthi, you are remarkable with your knowledge and advice, good on you and I am sure everybody appreciates it so much, I certainly do, as I learn a hell of lot from you. Best wishes. L Geoff.

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Mon, 02 May 2011 11:37:20 GMT

Originally posted by: Phil on 2 May 2011

Dear Lynthi, I must echo Geoffs words. As usual you have come out with amazing advice and knowledge. I would just like to support your words by saying that as a person that has been in the worst grip of psychotic depression I would submit that any legal response to my illness was warranted. I was hospitalised and involountarily committed to the mental health system because of my illness. I would like to say that this action by the authorities was completely warranted. When a person is in the grips of a serious mental illness I believe that any action by the health services is completely justified. It is not like olden times when people are locked away in a lunatic assylum. I was hospitalised against my will for a poultry 2 weeks and given amazing treatment in a modern mental health facility , caring, (by most of the staff) and given medication and I engaged with a Psychiatrist. All this protected my wife and family from my severe illness. I thank the mental health authorities for doing what they did and protecting my family. If a person is mentally unwell, aggressive, abusive and possibly violent it is surely the authorities responsibility to do what they must to. By the way Lyn, I am feeling a bit burnt out and I think I will follow your advice and take a break for a while. I think I'll be vegging in front of the TV for a while. My wife has been making a few comments that I have been spending a bit too much on here. I'll look forward to catching up in a week or so...Best regards to all the regular posters....Phil

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Tue, 03 May 2011 02:09:25 GMT

Originally posted by: Heth on 3 May 2011

Thinking of you, Karen. You don't need to be walking on egg shells for ever. I would be telling him that if you do not get the help you know you need, you give me no choice but to leave and like Lynthi says you can not be responsible for his well being. Though he wants you to feel guilty for being a "Nagging wife".... cop out, I say! He would rather use you as the reason than deal with this, because it's all too much and he has too much pride. It sounds like you are remaining strong with all this and I don't know how you do it, but something has to give. I can't believe how stubborn and proud he is! that would frustrate the .... out of me! How long can someone remain depressed without wanting to get help for themselves!? Surely they see this at his work too, particularly if he is in tears there...? Take care darling, Heth x

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Tue, 03 May 2011 23:42:47 GMT

Originally posted by: Lynthi on 4 May 2011

Have a well earned break, Phil. We'll still be here. Fond regards, Lyn

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 04 May 2011 13:32:49 GMT

Originally posted by: jo on 4 May 2011

OMG! you know i was aware that i was not the only person in the world to be going through this but your post echoes my situation almost exactly. I am now really struggling being the carer in this relationship despite being in the medical profession and feel that my husbands illness is killing our relationship. I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have 2 fabulous kids. Most of our time together has been happy, however over the years he has regularly taken himself off to bed, often for days at a time saying he had a migraine but wouldn't take any painkillers?? and yes I did wonder. 5 years ago we emmigrated to Australia and his symptoms became more dire and increased in frequency. About 10 months ago he had a total meltdown during which I insisted he see his GP. We went together but the GP wasn't totally convinced he was depressed but put him on medication anyway which he took for a while then just stopped. The cycle started up again and was triggered on a weekly basis. My husband came to his own conclusion (thankfully) after doing some research on the net that he might be bipolar. We saw a different GP who agreed with our diagnosis of bipolar type2. Again he was prescribed meds took them for a couple of weeks but they "dulled" his creative side so he stopped taking them. One day whilst at work (I work 12 hour shifts) he phoned me to say he was feeling awful in fact so awful he had taken himself to the local hospital as he just couldnt bear living like this anymore. So you can imagine how I feel unable to leave work but hearing that your husband feels so s*** he just wants to end it! He was given an appt for a medical review but said he couldn't go bacause he couldn't afford the time off work. Admittedly he has throughout our time here spent about half of his time unemployed so our financial situation is crap. He also won't see a clin psych bacause he can't afford it. I suppose I am fortunate in that I know what his trigger is (living in Aus- he would desperately love to return to the UK but we can't due to our kids, 1 of them is in year 12 and wants to go to uni yadda yadda). However I know I can't go on carrying him like this as it's killing me too. I can't keep wondering if at any time he's going to end it all because it's become too much and as heartless as it may sound do I ensure he has life insurance because I can't afford to do all this by myself with no family support here in Aus? There is so much more to this story but my fingers are now aching and I feel i've bored you all enough. But do you know what tops this story off? Most of my friends in Aus are depressed and taking meds! I am the only 1 of my set of close friends who is not on any medication. Sorry I am unable to offer any advice or support to yourself, I just wanted to say your not alone. What the answer is I do not know I just hope my answer doesn't hit me in the face one day. Good luck

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 05 May 2011 03:05:58 GMT

Originally posted by: Karen on 5 May 2011

To Lynthi, I appreciate your trying to help although I found your comments very upsetting and very over the top for what my situation is. I don't blame you, the way I worded my last post must have lead to your misunderstanding. My husband has never been cunning or a manipulating person. He has always been very unselfish and kind and it is only this deep depression in inability to be able to support his family that has him perhaps, without even knowing it, manupulating me in an subconscious way. Its been a very difficult week as I've listened to different ideas including to leave my husband but we love each other very much and I am drawing strength on this today and will keep fighting for him. I did get very stern with him on the weekend and managed to get him to the doctor. The gp was very concerned and he is now 5 days into medication and will see someone weekly. He has already improved in his thinking. I have today contacted a financial helpline to see if I can get help with our dire situation so as to relieve some of that terrible burdon my husband feels every single day that he has failed his family by not being able to support us. I would rather choose to see him as a man who is succeeding in overcoming something much greater than financial trouble. How brave that makes him. I still feel very alone and have been getting very tired and teary myself but I've just watched the Beyond Blue Carer's DVD I received in the mail yesterday and I have tears of relief as I identify with others. It's not until you look back on what's happened that you stop and think "how on earth have I managed to cope" but I thank God that I have. Thanks everyone I encourage you all to reach out and get the gate open to the road to recovery.

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 05 May 2011 10:28:21 GMT

Originally posted by: Lynthi on 5 May 2011

Hi Karen, Thank you for setting the record straight. I always appreciate any feedback. It's only by receiving feedback that we can improve our responses. You may have noticed that we require Responder Volunteers. The current Responders who are volunteers are pretty much burnt out with the number of people seeking help and the small number of generous people who are able and willing to respond to specific issues. Please feel free to become a Responder if you think you can fit it in around your current circumstances. I am so happy to hear that things are going along fine and that your husband is actually seeking help now. Best wishes, Lyn

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 05 May 2011 13:46:16 GMT

Originally posted by: Karen on 5 May 2011

Hi Karen I have been in the exact situation you describe, except I was the one suffering from depression. My husband did eventually leave me and I have been receiving great medical and psychiatric care for the last 12 months (as an outpatient). Although it was devastating, the experience has not been totally negative and I think I am actually stronger now than I have been in years. It forced me to take action and put in place some positive things in my life, and I no longer feel that there is no hope for my future. I think I was very self-focused and inward-looking, and I now have goals and a different attitude. There are still darker days, but they are much less frequent, and I now have a support system of friends and professionals in place to reach out to when I need to. I think shame was a major factor in my refusal to seek help. I think you should be commended for standing by your husband and being so supportive - I know I was very difficult and frustrating to live with. Your loyalty is wonderful and I'm sure your husband will appreciate it eventually, even if he doesn't now. It seems as though you need to focus on yourself more. Your health is very important, both physical and mental. Is there a doctor or counselor you can see for support at this difficult time. Its not only the sick that need care. Take some time to enjoy life for yourself even if you can't do it with your husband at the moment. Spend time with family and friends or just take some time out to treat yourself. It sounds as though you need a reward of some kind. My best wishes to both you and your husband - I hope things work out for you.

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Fri, 06 May 2011 11:16:12 GMT

Originally posted by: Heth on 6 May 2011

Hi Karen, I am so pleased to read your most recent post! Your husband is now on the meds and he seems to be doing better. Maybe that's all he needed was for you to crack down on him and get hard. I hope he sticks with it and you are amazing ... Hx

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sun, 06 May 2012 06:30:26 GMT

Originally posted by: Mel Rae on 6 May 2012

Hi I live with a depressed husband, who also suffers with OCD. I am no way perfect, although i feel I've come to the end of my self. We have been married for over 15 years and our marriage has had it's ups and downs. I have also had bouts of severe anxiety and have had 2 breakdowns, quite a few years ago. although after much counselling, I feel I have come out much stronger, very resilient and I know how powerful it is to know that you don't have to give into your emotions and you can choose to rise above them and do what is right. I am nearly 11 weeks pregnant, which is an amazing miracle, after 7 years of tiring and trying through ivf. I have felt through our relationship that I've had to drag my husband along with me. I'm tired now and I need him more than ever now that we have a little one on the way. I'm tired and I'm concerned about our future. I'm a happy positive person, determined to make the most of each day. I love my husband and I know he has a sincere genuine heart, although I've had enough of his bouts of anger, depressed mood day in day out, sleeping every week end, continuing negativity and critism. It seems like all he can think about is himself and his need. I feel bad about saying these things, i just need to get it off my chest.He is such an intelligent, capable man, although I see this disorder sucking the life out of him and me and I'm worried how it my affect the little one. I appreciate being able to say all this in an anonymous environment thanx

My husband's depression is destroying our Marriage

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 10 May 2012 19:54:35 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 11 May 2012

dear Mel Rae, I can totally appreciate your concern, because I was the same only in being depressed and having OCD, because I was a quiet person and didn't hassle anyone. There must be a great deal of frustration having to go through IVF for 7 years, but now finally it's worked and that's terrific. I would like to know what his 'need' is, and there could be many to chose from, but this also exasperates the situation. After successful counselling you have become a stronger person which is what I always believe, and to try and explain about this new strength, well it makes us know the situation before hand and what is going to happen, so we can avoid it before 'it gets to us'. We also move away from previous dangerous situations because we realise that if we continue, it will only make us fall into the black hole again. dear Mel Rae, try and convince your husband to seek help, because the next phase in your life will be pretty well 24/7, and this requires a joint effort. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl, or just left it until the time comes, the old saying seems fit for all of us, ' the mind boggles'. Love Geoff. x