topic Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant! in Supporting family and friends

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Sun, 04 May 2014 10:11:47 GMT

I found out late last year that my husband is suffering from depression. He had worked himself into the ground and after convincing him to go to a counsellor his issues were brought right back to his parents splitting up when he was two. Another big issue which devastated me was he didn't know if he wanted to be in this marriage and thought that my son and I would be better off without him. He also went onto medication. After a lot of hard work we thought we were back on track and after struggling to fall pregnant for our second child we were successful with ivf. And yes struggling to fall pregnant again put pressure on him too. We were happy well I thought we were anyway. He has suffered another set back and didn't want to tell me cause he said he was protecting me and the health of our baby. But he lied to me about his whereabouts etc and I have been supportive and here with open heart so he can be honest with me. I feel so unloved and unwanted. There is no affection. We tell each other we love each other every day and he hasn't said it for a week now. His back to the counsellor and I am going to go separately too and request joint sessions. But I feel selfish cause I can't keep having to deal with him wondering if he loves me or not. I know it's the depression and I should be the supportive wife. Through sickness and health as they say. But my heart is breaking and I feel like my world is blowing up in my face. I'm struggling to be strong. I can't stop crying. Are there any support groups for carers? I'm so lost.

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Sun, 04 May 2014 11:55:47 GMT

Dear Charliebear

Welcome to Beyond Blue, the place where you will receive support and care, as well as the collective wisdom of others.

You are in a horrid place at the moment. It is hard when one person is depressed and the partner feels helpless to assist. Most of us here are facing the opposite dilemma. We are the people with problems and often feel unsupported. So it is great to hear from people like you who want to help and it is sad that you feel you are being pushed away.

There is no 'should' in this relationship. You support your husband because you love him, not because it is a duty and I admire you for that. I know it's not easy. The strange thing with depression is that someone can love their husband/wife and feel unworthy of love in return because of the awful illness they have. It does not make sense to others but makes perfect sense to the person with depression.

The depressed person loves their partner but is convinced that, because of their illness, they are not good enough for anyone. That their loved ones are better off with out them. I know it sounds ridiculous and illogical but that's what happens. Sometimes I think it is worse for the partner than for the patient. The partner must feel they are fighting a brick wall with no weapons but their bare hands and I imagine that the fear, frustration and anger is enormous.

Now that I have thoroughly depressed you I hope to offer you some comfort. The above comments reflect life from the point of view of the depressed person. What can you do?

Patience is the most needed attribute. Your husband, I am sure, does love and care for you. This is invariably true. They simply cannot see it or say it while in the grip of their depression. Try and see it as someone with a broken leg. You know they will be able to walk again but the injured person does not believe it. In time, as the leg heals, the ability to walk will return and the fears about the future will recede. I know this is a simplistic explanation but it really is true.

Your husband will not believe he will regain his health until his health starts to improve. Then you can show him how far he has come. In the meantime, concentrate on the day to day necessities such as feeding him nourishing meals, making him comfortable etc. He probably will not notice now but will remember later and thank you.

Help him to go about his daily routine as usual to the best of your ability. We depressed people need lots of encouragement in this area. Most of all, look after your own health. You have a child and another one on the way. That's enough to worry about at the best of times. I expect it is particularly hard at the moment when you want the care and comfort of your husband to help you.

Please do not despair. As your husband gets well you will find the man you married and you can enjoy your family again.

You say you hope to talk to the counselor. That's sounds like a great idea. Be aware that the counselor cannot discuss your husband's discussions or condition with you without his written consent. And hard though it may be, joint counseling sessions are not always the best for the depressed person. Your counselor must make that decision. Your husband may want to talk about matters that could be painful for you. He needs freedom to do this. If you are in the room it may stop him and hinder his recovery. He will not necessarily be talking about you but about situations that affect you. Give him the freedom to do that.

I hope my words are helpful to you. This is how I intend them. I realise how hard this is for you and I wish your husband a speedy recovery. The best thing you can do is look after yourself and your babies first. Talk to a counselor. It's a great idea and will help to reassure you.

Warm regards

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Tue, 06 May 2014 01:15:10 GMT

Thank you White Rose for your kind words.

It is a difficult situation that we are in. Depression is so hard to understand as each person is suffering in completely different ways. And it doesn't matter how many books I read or how much research I do on the internet it doesn't give me the answer on how to protect my family and keep us as one.

It was my husband who actually suggested the joint sessions but just doesn't want them to start right now. I'm seeing the counsellor today so I hope she can give me some more advice and tools to use in this situation. Its hard cause I do feel rejected. To not feel the love that you used to.

I am confused though. I hope that either you or someone else can help. One minute he is confused on how he feels about me but then he is arranging Mother's day for me or talking about things in the future. But then talks about seperating. We are sleeping in seperate bedrooms. Oh this is hard, frustrating and difficult. I just want to love and support him but I just get confused.

I'm glad I can write here though to get different people's perspective as we don't have anyone family/friends who have suffered this so I have no one to bounce experiences or suggestions with.

Thank you once again. I do appreciated it - a lot!

Trying to stay strong,

Charliebear xxx

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Tue, 06 May 2014 04:13:02 GMT

Dear Charliebear

I love that name. It sounds so cuddly and comforting.

It is definitely confusing when your husband says or does such conflicting things. It is also such a common symptom of depression and as I read your words I had a little smile to myself. Not at you I hasten to add, but at myself as I remembered all the contradictory actions and words I used. There is a book called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Can't remember what it's about but the title rings so true. Depression makes us cling to someone we love for support and love, and at the same time we try and push them away because we are not good enough for them.

I have made arrangements for events or agreed to attend an event and at the same time I have been thinking how I can get out of it because I know I will ruin everything and everyone will hate me for it. It's as if two parts of our brains are trying to do different things and pulling hard against each other. Those people on the receiving end are totally confused both because this is not the usual behaviour of the depressed person and because they do not know where they are in life.

It must be a very uncomfortable, sad and hurtful place for you. I am so sorry this happening to you. You cannot 'make' your husband change and constant questions only confuse the person. Your husband is really in a hard place, though I realise you understand this.

Please get as much support and explanation as you can from the counselor. I know it's a hard ask, but the more you help your husband to go about his life doing whatever the counselor suggests, the easier it will become for both of you. Make sure he takes any medication prescribed for him and if necessary any for yourself, although as you are pregnant this may not be possible.

Your husband really will get better and life really will improve though it may not seem that way at the moment.

Keep writing to us. I'm sure others will add their wise words soon.

Warm regards

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Wed, 07 May 2014 07:07:29 GMT

Hello Charliebear

How are you going? Did you see the counselor? I do hope you found the session useful.

If you look at the top of the page you will find links to information about depression. Some information is for the depressed person and some for family and friends. Look under The Facts and Resources.

Please write in and tell us how you are going. I look forward to your reply.

Regards

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Wed, 07 May 2014 09:22:00 GMT

Evening White Rose,

Charliebear is a cute little cartoon my son and I liked watching together when he was smaller!

I felt a lot clearer after talking to the counsellor. It was a lot on that I need to start taking care of myself. She spoke about how I am giving my husband everything; wife, friend, cook, cleaner, mother to his children, support in our business etc. she said what more can I give. My tank is empty and that maybe my husband needs to also seek help from others and maybe not from me. She suggested to do something nice just for me each day. Not for my husband, not for my son but just for me. So I'm doing it. I'm also writing a nice positive event, thought, feeling etc in a new book. I got rid of all the negative journals.

I was having a good day but this afternoon I got sad again. I miss my husband. I miss the emotional connection. The affection. We are now sleeping in separate rooms. All I want is to feel the love again. I know it's going to be a long process but I just miss that so much. I would love a hug from him and for him to tell me that he loves me. It really does suck.

His taking his medication and back seeing the counsellor so I guess I can only have hope.

I just don't even know how to act around him, can I show affection or should I protect myself so I don't get hurt. Too much thinking ........

Thank you White Rose. Your words mean so much to me so again thank you xx

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Thu, 08 May 2014 10:03:15 GMT

Dear Charliebear

I am so pleased you saw the counselor and feel a little better. Yes, doing something nice for yourself sounds great. What about a massage or pedicure? Buy a book you enjoy and spend time reading. How does meditation sound? There are Christian meditation groups throughout Australia and attendance is free. Once you have learned the basics you can meditate at home, although it is good to continue with a group. Don't think you will be pressured to go to church as most groups are not affiliated with a church and in any case it is not a requirement.

Look forward to reading about your progress.

Warm regards

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Thu, 08 May 2014 23:24:16 GMT

I did add a link for meditation groups but it was against BB rules and was deleted. So you will need to search yourself for The World Community for Christian Meditation. When you get there (assuming you are interested in following this up) click on The Community and take it from there. I hope it works this time.

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Fri, 09 May 2014 11:11:48 GMT

Thank you again White Rose!

I find it so hard cause we just don't talk. We aren't like this. It really is breaking my heart. He will be going away in the next few weeks on the weekends to do a course for work so it will hopefully give him some further thinking time by himself.

The thing I find hard is now I don't know if I can trust him. I just don't know what's going on, don't know what he is doing and I shouldn't be thinking like this as it will do my head in.

i will look into that mediation as I need to be able to relax especially being pregnant. It's suppose to be such a happy time. It's hard to keep finding the strength.

i hope you are well White Rose!

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Fri, 09 May 2014 11:43:03 GMT

Dear Charliebear

It occurred to me this morning that maybe part of your difficulty is your pregnancy. By this I mean you have so many hormones floating around your body that you are bound to be affected.

I think every pregnant woman gets easily upset during the pregnancy and feels confused. I was trying to remember my pregnancies and how I felt. My youngest 'baby' is 38yo, so it's been a while. But yes, it is all coming back. I cried at the drop of a hat, got cranky and all the other emotions. How long until your baby is born?

I'm not discounting your feelings. What I want to say is that your feelings may be being exaggerated by your pregnancy. Not that it helps much I know but perhaps if you remind yourself that this overflow of emotion would happen to some extent in any case it may help you to cope.

Not talking to your partner is very hard in any situation. And the knowledge that he is going away soon must be a little scary. I'm afraid I cannot offer any suggestions to help with this. I see that you asked for support for carers in your first post. Look up National Carers Counselling Program in your search engine. Or look up Carers Australia to find some help and support in your locality. This organisation has some good stuff on their web site.

Take care of yourself. Until next time

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Wed, 14 May 2014 05:36:41 GMT

Hello Charliebear

How are you going. It's been a little while since you posted. I hope you are OK. I have been meaning to ask on several occasions, when is your baby due. Is it soon. I hope you tell us when he/she arrives.

Please continue to post here if you think it is helpful.

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Thu, 15 May 2014 10:13:01 GMT

Hi White Rose,

apologies I did write back to your previous message and when I posted it; it stated there was an error and it didn't post. Then I just got to wrapped up in what was going on that I didn't reply.

I agree my hormones are at max and it doesn't help at all. I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day. Quite surprising I had a really nice day.

I went and saw the counsellor again as I was and am still totally confused and frustrated at the situation. My husband and I are just co-existing at the moment. It's awful. One minute he talks about what we would need to do if he left and the. The next minute talks about our future together. Then he tells me he doesn't want to say anything cause he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and needs to work on himself and work out how he feels. He said having this baby is great but clouds his true feelings for me. My hormones might be all over the place but it's hard to try and be upbeat and positive when you feel like your marriage is about to fall apart.

And how long do I wait. That's the thing that's frustrating. You just feel like you are I limbo land. My husband goes back to the counsellor again next wed. I know it's going to be a long process but I would love to hear him say he is in this, committed and in love with me and our marriage. Of course our relationship would start again and be all new with constant work with the counsellor. I pray for this day to happen but I don't know how long to hang in there - for better or worse and in sickness and health as they say. I don't want to give up. I love him.

It's our 10 year anniversary in August and I keep wondering if we will get there. We take turns in organising something special each year for us and this year it's his. Our baby is due late October. There is so much to look forward to that I hope we will be doing this together.

I just have to keep finding the strength even though I am scared and hurting. My counsellor said I need to keep working on my happiness as it might rub off onto my husband and it also helps me. And even though I am doing lots of things that make me happy but at the end of the day I just want him but you can't force someone to love you xxxx

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Thu, 15 May 2014 23:43:50 GMT

This morning is not a good morning. I get the horrible feeling that my marriage is over. I just can't see this improving. I don't feel any love at all. And I really don't like saying that but maybe I just need to face up to it. He is seeing the counsellor next week but atm all he does is throw himself into work or ignores me at home and stays in the study. I just can't see this changing. I really don't want to give up as I do love him but maybe I have no choice anymore and I just need to let go.

Soldier on as always.

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Fri, 16 May 2014 00:55:52 GMT

Dear Charliebear

What a horrible place to be in. You have so much need for love and comfort and your husband cannot give you this at the moment. Please don't give up on your marriage just yet. Tell your husband next time he mentions it that you are not giving up, that you are fighting both for him and your marriage. He needs to hear you say these positive things otherwise he will believe that separation is the best option.

I think I have said this before. Depression does all sorts of strange things to the brain. Your husband is probably convinced that no one loves or cares for him. That the world would be better off without him in it. That he is useless and a waste of space. These are the normal thoughts of someone with depression. In many respects he just cannot see you properly. In a way he is showing his love by wanting to leave so that you can get on with your life without this huge millstone around your neck.

This is not a path he really wants. He wants love and care but is afraid to take it because he feels so unworthy. I must keep stressing that this is a normal reaction to depression. As he gets better he will become more like his old self and will be loving again towards you.

It's a big ask for the spouse to persevere through this time. You cannot hurry the situation and to agree to separate will be horrific for both of you. Please believe that he still cares although he cannot tell you this. He would have left by now if he felt your marriage was really over.

This is something you really need to clear up in your mind. Talk to the counselor as often as you need about this because it is so vital for both you and your husband.

It's great that you are doing things for yourself. Again, keep doing them. I'm sorry to say it will be hard road for both of you, but separation will be an even harder road. Every day you are together is another day nearer to managing his depression. Stay as upbeat as you can.

One last thought. Are you happy with the counselor? Do you feel you are getting enough answers and support? Is this the same counselor that talks to your husband? I think you said this was the case.

If you feel that you are not getting anywhere with this counselor, try another one. They are not all the same and different counselors suit different people. Just a thought.

Keep up the good work.

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

geoff — Fri, 16 May 2014 00:59:11 GMT

dear Charliebear, sorry to interrupt your conversation with White Rose who must be about my age, give or take 10 years, but it's obvious that you are struggling just as your husband, however it affects you more because you don't have depression, whereas when we have this illness ourselves, everything is bad and we don't care one bit if the world turned itself upside down.

I can definitely relate to your situation as the same happened with me and my marriage, whereas my wife tried so hard to help me, firstly with my drinking and also with my depression, until finally she gave up and divorced me.

But what I want to say about this is that we talk a couple of times a week, without any hassles, plus we see each other at our sons place, we laugh and sort of play up in what we say etc, so there is anonymity at all.

Can I ask you why you are worried about him going away, and also ' lied to me about his whereabouts', this maybe too private for you to tell us, but it is indeed a concern for you while he is away.

You have to remember just like I was, in the exact same position, that we don't know what love is, because we are too depressed to even consider what a relationship involves, but in my case the wife moved out to another room, and by her doing so really empathised my depression, it just hammered home that I felt unloved, although my 2 sons always showed me love, I felt this to be so difficult to handle.

While in your marriage you love him to bits, but he can't show any love back, and this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it may seem this way, so all I can say to you is that you find time for yourself, still keep on eye on him, and do what you are already doing for him, it's hard for you, because all you want is love back from him, and I so sorry that this has happened, and please be assured that what he may say it's depression telling him to say this, as he doesn't know the difference between love and hate. L Geoff. x

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Fri, 16 May 2014 03:18:14 GMT

Thank you to both of you. Just both of your words give me that little bit of hope. My heart breaks that he is suffering from this. And I know that I can't fix it for him and may not even be able to give him the support he needs. And I know what I should be doing; it's just tough.

Deep down I don't want us to separate. He is my world. I think I get protective and defensive so I just think I can't keep doing this. And I agree that we need to stop talking about separation as that is just negative talk. It would just be nice to know where I stand. And I understand that this is not going to fix itself overnight.

Im sorry that each of you had to experience these difficulties aswell. But thank you for advising me and guiding me. And the only reason why I was hesitate about him going away is that he made up a whole story to me when in fact he was with his friend talking about his feelings etc and I was hurt he felt he had to lie about that.

Theres just a lot of things we need to work on.

I do love him xxx

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Fri, 16 May 2014 09:36:46 GMT

Ok wish me luck! My husband is still at work and I moved him back into our room. I'm hoping he is ok with this. I think it's a way of showing that I am supportive and that I don't want him to go anywhere!

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

White_Rose — Fri, 16 May 2014 10:00:47 GMT

Congratulations! That is a terrific move. I hope your husband accepts your gesture but try to remain positive if he does not seem over the moon. As Geoff said, your husband does not know the difference between love and hate. Well perhaps not hate exactly but certainly he cannot grasp the idea of love.

There are lots of things to work on. Just remember, baby steps for both of you. Try to look at today, not next week or month. When you look too far ahead the goal gets further away and you get downhearted.

Geoff, I'm not sure how old you are so I am uncertain how close I am to you in age. Certainly I have retired from paid work although there are times when I would like to be back at work. Well, at least for a millisecond. I don't think we have ever chatted on this forum but I have read many of your posts. I like your gentleness and the caring way you phrase your thoughts. So many people who write in here find your comments helpful and supportive.

Regards to both

White Rose

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

Charliebear — Fri, 16 May 2014 13:48:10 GMT

My efforts were ignored. Not even an acknowledgement.

Husbands depression and how he feels about me and Im pregnant!

geoff — Fri, 16 May 2014 14:43:39 GMT

dear Charliebear, it was a good step, unfortunately not even with a click of the finger will make him change straight away, as this never happens with depression, but ohhhhhhh wouldn't it be just so great if it did.

I do understand that he wouldn't acknowledge you, remember he has depression, and how can I say this in a delicate way, that will pass the filter, is that he isn't going to touch you or explore your body.

I remember once that my wife made love to me and said 'there you should feel better now', but it didn't happen.

dear White Rose, I'm 59 turning 60 later on in the year, and 2 sons both in their 30's, I know my body feels older because of a car accident, which was my fault.

It's good talking to the both of you and I hope Charliebear that stay with us, and keep us informed, but this is something that you can talk about with your counsellor, who could have other thoughts. L Geoff. x