topic Husband with Bipolar Disorder in Supporting family and friends

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 11:35:59 GMT

Hi there, my husband has had bipolar disorder for over 20 years, wasn't so noticeable or frequent years ago but as he gets older, there are 2-3 major episodes each year. Starts off with insomnia and trouble getting motivated, through to exhaustion then hyper mania for a few months then onto the downward spiral to depression. He is currently going through another episode, its been 6-8 weeks now on hyper mania and he has been taking anti-depressant and sleeping medication which is not helping. Last week he went to the Dr and was prescribed a mood stabiliser, which he now refuses to take.

I am deeply concerned as this manic episode is getting out of control, he is confrontational, berating, not rational thoughts or suggestions, not acting responsively, and trying to reorganise the house (moving everything around and "de cluttering") and being hyper all the time and not being able to stay still. We are sleeping in different rooms as he is up all night, then crashes for an hour or two, then up again and buzzing around trying to "change the world". For the past few days he says he's been really dizzy and unable to stay still and has to keep moving.

Monday we are back at the Drs for another assessment, I will tell the Dr that he is not taking his medication and suggest that he must see a psychiatrist.

I feel totally exhausted with all his "in your face" behaviour, the kids understand that Dad's not well and know not to push things otherwise he just freaks out. I am very cautious when he is around, not that he would hurt us, but I don't know what's going on in his mind. I feel as though he needs time away from us, and I don't really love him the way he is. I know he is sick and it's the illness that I hate, not him, but I can't even be in the same room with him as he makes me feel so uncomfortable. This is not a good environment to be in, I have stress enough at work, and with the kids, school and a step father terminally ill with cancer, I don't know how long I can take his behaviour.

I have no other family support here, his friends have noticed a change in his behaviour (some say he has been acting a little strange) but when I say this to him he thinks that I am making it up and it's me that has the problem, and apparently everyone else understands him but me.

He blames me for the way he is feeling, he constantly seeks my OK for things that he does (when he doesn't need to) and believes that I say things when I don't (words in his mouth). He says that he knows I hate him (which I don't). He says that he hates me as I never compliment him and that I always say that he's never good at anything (which I don't). I just shut up now as I don't want to get into an argument.

As for rearranging the house, at 3am the other morning I woke up to him clearing out the kitchen pantry (to de-clutter) and everything was out everywhere. At the moment, he is in the bathroom rearranging the vanity unit, putting stuff from the kitchen into the bathroom and vice versa. It's exhausting and depressive!

Anyone want to talk or have some advice.

Vanessa

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Sun, 27 Apr 2014 10:58:07 GMT

Just an update. After being on the phone to the Mental Health Triage staff today and an independent Doctor, my husband was visited by 2 Mental Health Nurses this afternoon and admitted to hospital for assessment. He will stay there for a day or two until his mental health condition has been assessed and his medication is sorted out before he is released. At least I can sleep tonight knowing that he is in good hands, and the kids and I are safe.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Pixie15 — Sun, 27 Apr 2014 12:36:00 GMT

Hi Vanessa,

I read your first post and was trying to think of a response when I saw your update. It sounds like you will at least have a couple of day's respite. I do not have any answers. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Mon, 28 Apr 2014 11:46:26 GMT

Thank you for your concern GratefulToday. I visited him today and he asked for me to sign his discharge note, but I said I wasn't in a position to do so until he was on mood stabilisers and the Psychology assessment was complete. I said only the Dr or nurses would sign him out. He was not too happy, but has accepted that he needs help - and him being admitted to hospital may find other underlying reasons for his behaviour. I suspect OCD as well.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Sat, 03 May 2014 10:31:44 GMT

Update: As you know, following a mental health assessment last Sunday my husband was admitted to hospital for further a psychological assessment this week. The anxiety and mania roller coaster that he has been on for the past few months have been absolutely exhausting for the kids and I. Following admittance, he was put under a psychological order until Friday and this is his 1st day home since last Sunday. Trying times ahead... He has to control his anxiety levels to ensure the mood stabilisers and mild anti-psychotics do their job. Back to the hospital this Wednesday for another blood test and psychological assessment, then further followups with his local GP. He now understands that his behaviour was risky, irrational and highly damaging to the kids and I, and has thanked me for finally admitting him to hospital for further assessment. He said the week in the Mental Health Ward was truly an eye-opener and he has so much respect for the nurses and doctors treating anyone with a mental health condition in the public health system. Thanks for your support! Vanessa

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Pixie15 — Tue, 06 May 2014 05:06:23 GMT

Hi Vanessa,

It sounds like your husband has really made great progress and having him admit being difficult and thank you for your help must be particularly reassuring. Thanks for sharing your story.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Over_It1 — Thu, 15 May 2014 10:24:02 GMT

Hi Vanessa,

Great to see that your husband is getting the help that he needs, I know exactly where you're coming from as my wife is going through a very similar thing with myself at the moment,

I'll admit after reading your 1st post I went and asked my wife if she had posted on here even though Vanessa isn't her name (paranoid much).

Forgot what else I was going to say so good luck with everything and I hope you're husband can get stable soon.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Sun, 18 May 2014 08:35:10 GMT

Update: still waiting on the blood test to see if the mood stabilisers are at the right levels. Anti psychotic medications were finished yesterday, so we'll see how this week goes. Although my husband notices the calm effect of the mood stabilisers, I still feel as though this anxiety and arrogance is still "up there" - something which unfortunately "may just be his nature as he gets older". I must say that he collapses around 8.00pm each night totally exhausted and must go to bed - most nights is sleeping through until 5-6am, sometimes waking with insomnia again. Just hope that the blood test come back this week with some more news. He is all booked in to see a psychiatrist sometime, I told him he must talk to someone about how he is feeling, someone that can actually help instead of just listening. He seems to get obsessed with the finer detail in things, we are in the process of the early stages of renovating our house, so the added stress of this is not making things any better. Although the Dr's have said he is on the "milder" side with his bipolar (not jumping off buildings thinking he can fly) I feel as though his episodes are getting more intense every year and it was only a matter of time before an incident occurred wherein someone could get hurt. I can still see that he is going through his episode, but the intensity is milder (more chilled) even though his mind and thoughts race. To be continued.... and thanks for listening.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chocolate68 — Fri, 26 Dec 2014 09:23:42 GMT

Update 26 December 2014.

Well, it's be some time since I've written and thought I would summarise the progress (or hurdles) so far.

As you know by my above posts, my husband was admitted to hospital earlier in the year (diagnosed with minor bipoar) where he remained for a week under a Psychatrists order. Following release back home, up and down on medications (mainly down) with hubby spiralling into depression and anxiety over the next few months.

Under the care of his Psychatrist, medications were recently changed (recommended an antidepressant & different anti-psychotic) and he was admitted to hospital for another week until he underwent further treatment for anxiety & depression.

He has been back at home for a week now and the tension, frustration and anger I feel towards him is incredible. I am not sure how to describe it, but I feel as though throughout all of this, he doesn't even understand how I feel.

He's changed and I'm not sure if I still feel the same way towards him, whether I still love him. Is this normal?

I have done everything on my own for so long (just like a single mum with 2 kids) as I have not been able to rely or depend on him due to his illness. It feels as though I'm caring for 3 kids, he doesn't talk to me and I'm not sure if he's depressed, angry, or if its just me.

I feel as though I've been left out, my needs and wants haven't been dealt with for quite some time and I feel hurt, frustrated and taken for granted. Is this normal?

Anyone have a similar experience?

Thanks for listening.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Pixie15 — Sat, 27 Dec 2014 00:38:17 GMT

Hi Chocolate68,

I do not know if it is 'normal' or not to feel like this however you are not alone in your feelings.

From my experience of living with family members who suffer with anxiety you will not be able to rely on them for support. They simply cannot be there for someone else because they are continually concerned for their own momentary comfort. When I was doing CBT last year and shared with my partner that I had become quite severely depressed he merely scoffed.

I have a lot of anger and I know it is really difficult to even admit that so congratulations. It is better to find a way to deal with the anger than to try and deny or suppress it and have it eat away at your own well-being. It might be useful for you to find out more about the grieving process to understand some of your responses. I know it helped me.

It is good to acknowledge your own needs and set some goals for yourself so that you have something apart from your family to give you some support. It might help also if you speak to a counselor or psychologists. Your doctor will be able to help you with finding someone.

Hope you find some support.

Grateful.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Courtney-Anna — Tue, 20 Jan 2015 21:17:00 GMT

Hi Vanessa,

First of all I don't think it's unnatural at all to feel what your feeling. I have experienced a very similar story to you and have also felt all the things your feeling! My partner was going through a manic episode in May 2014 which required hospitalisation. I was naive in thinking that once he was in hospital and on meds that everything would go back to normal - couldn't have been further from the truth! What we battled after that is the anger, resentment and depression that comes with coming down from a manic episode. For months he resented me for sending him to hospital, for assisting to put him on an involuntary treatment order which forced him to take medication, for making him go to his doctors and psychiatrist appointments every week. It created so much anger inside of me that he could be so selfish in thinking that, that he couldn't see how much I was hurting and the burden I felt.

Once he started really accepting his condition (and not just saying he accepted it but really accepted that this would forever be a part of his life - no easy task when your 22 and have the world at your feet!) and understanding more about it he started to become more like himself again, like he wasn't trying to fight everything. The best thing for him was to get back to doing what he loved before the episode - it's hard when your feeling down and tired all the time but it really helped him push through the dark days!

A lot of psychiatrists told me to see someone to cope with the burden/feelings I was feeling and for a long time I put it off. When I did finally see someone it was like a weight off my shoulders and helped me understand why he was acting that way and felt the way he did. It was good to talk to someone who accepted my feelings and didn't think any less of me for 'being mad at someone who has a mental illness'.

We don't have children so I can't even imagine how hard it would've been for you being in that position. All I can say is it can get better and those feelings of anger and resentment on both sides can subside over time and a bit of therapy.

Whatever you decide to do with yours and your children's future there is absolutely no judgement. People don't understand how incredibly hard and emotionally draining caring for someone with a mental illness is until they experience it.

I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness and peace in this world!

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Lsmith — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 12:49:54 GMT

Hi Chocolate68,

I feel your pain. My husband is not the same man I married due to mental illness. I could handle the illness, it's the constant nastiness and aggression I find difficult. Is it wrong to feel jipped in life? To feel like the man you married is different to the one you fell in love with? I am subjecting my kids and their friends to a not very attractive side of him or me as we cope with his anxieties and issues - all the while having him so nasty towards me and them that it just isn't the way families should treat each other. It would be easier to do it on my own. So ... Your feelings are normal for someone in your shoes. Just trust your instinct and remember that we only get one life to live. Choose your actions wisely. No one will judge. We are all entitled to be happy and fulfilled. My thoughts are with you.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

capeachy — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 22:00:25 GMT

Thank you for writing this. The struggle is real - and what everyone thinks as 'him just being fun' is not the same for the partner involved. I have been with my partner now for just over six years and he would roughly have 2-3 episodes a year. Some ranging from quite mild to others over the top. I'm glad I now don't feel alone in this, as the feeling can be very isolating. It's good to know that there are others you can talk to who understand completely.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Cornstarch — Sat, 27 Aug 2016 00:33:06 GMT

I found it really interesting and I am sorry to say a little ignorant too that the forum for carer’s is on the same forum for people with mental illness. Before people get their backs up and think what is this women
saying, that is so offensive, we are meant to make people feel less ashamed not more I will say this.

Until you have been on the other side of the psychotic class of illnesses you simply cannot understand the utter frustration, desperation and shear helplessness unless you have experienced that for yourself over a
long period of time. Especially if it comes with the medication compliance roller-coaster.

For one, I find it astounding that the assumption is made that the carer’s are adults. There is a silent army of children in Australia caring for parents with severe mental illness and they have no safe place to go
– “you know what, mental illness sucks right now. I hate mental illness. I don’t want to petition for the passionate cause today. I just want a break and say things out loud that may be labelled so called offensive!”
So instead they internalise it inside of themselves, let it brew, and further complicate their emotions and their relationship with their family member whom they do love deeply but are drowning inside. I personally believe that a lack of healthy, outward expression of strong emotion is really dangerous for a group of people who are already at high risk themselves.

It is like being in a parallel universe. I don’t waste my breath trying to explain it to others who have no direct lived experience because they simply could never be able to understand what it is like.

All carers need a safe place to vent without being judged as horrible people that don’t love their family/partner/friend.

Corny's 2 cents.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Pixie15 — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 12:05:56 GMT

Thanks Cornstarch for this post in support of carers.

Although I am not sure there is a clear line between carers and sufferers. When you are a carer in the middle of a family crisis you can question your own mental health.

I do however feel that it would be helpful to have a forum for carers.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Chris_B — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 22:24:04 GMT

Pixie15 said:
I do however feel that it would be helpful to have a forum for carers.

Hi Cornstarch and Pixie15, I'd like to hear more about what you mean by a separate forum for carers but I don't want to derail Chocolate68's thread. Could you please post your thoughts in the forum improvements thread and we can discuss it there? I have a few questions as well.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Cornstarch — Wed, 31 Aug 2016 01:15:44 GMT

I completely agree Pixie15 but I will speak up for the people that fly under the radar and who are too afraid to express how they feel. However uncomfortable that is. This is what I wrote to Chris. I don't pretend I have any answers but I hope to make someone out there feel less alone. The desperation really concerns me. There are pressure cookers waiting to explode, and some do.

"I'm not sure I really have the energy Chirs because I'm sorry to say I find the ignorance of 'the other side' absolutely confounding. There are people struggling with their own condition whilst simultaneously
having to help others as well. Pixie sounds like he/she may very well be an adult. As I said there is a silent army of children in this country caring for desperately ill care-givers and they have no agency and no voice. Coupled with that they are burdened with the pressure that comes with petitioning for the 'passionate cause'. And there should be a passionate cause for mental illness.

The stigma is disgraceful for conditions that no-one chose to have.

But the pressure to maintain the 'passionate cause' while you are secretly drowning can break anyone's spirits. High achievers, god, even mental health workers who thought that their success and education bought them
immunity from feeling desperate are rudely shocked. Here they are with accolades, achievements and so called knowledge, only to discover that acute mental health conditions make them feel like a consummate professional by day, and an incompetent fraud by night. So they hide.

I don't know about you but I think hiding feelings is dangerous.

My anxiety sky rockets to the moon and back when my PTSD flares up because I am acutely aware of the other side. The mere thought of putting any family member or friend through that just makes me feel sick. So I
just grab my keys and go. We've had family bust ups because they are so upset what's happened to me and all they want to do is be there for me. But that's the cruelty of interpersonal trauma. The trauma occurred inside of a familial context with people known to the family, and now they too are triggers! I'm blessed that I can self-regulate very well if you let me disappear on a beach somewhere for the day and I also have an amazing clinical psychologist. But not everyone can self-regulate or find a wonderful therapist.

There are always two sides."

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Ash13 — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 15:27:32 GMT

Hi Vanessa, I'm new to this forum is there any way we can have a private conversation? I have a lot to say as I am in a similar situation but my post about everything that's happening is too long and it won't post. Regards, Ash

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

BlueDays — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 08:03:07 GMT

Wow Chocolate68 - it's like you have just described my life, except that I don't get my pantry re-organised...my husband tells me to do everything that needs to be done - he doesn't do it himself.

It's really hard and I really appreciate you (and everyone else) sharing their stories. This is not something I can talk freely about to friends or family - and I'm sure many others feel the same.

I have had my 10 year old daughter crying on the floor in my wardrobe (hiding), begging me to divorce him - but when he is on a high my girls can't get enough of him. I really understand when you say you have to 'protect' your children and yourself. Do I leave him while I know he is desperately down? How much abuse is too much? Can we live the rest of our lives on eggshells? No, we can't...but I just don't know how to help him. If we leave he will spiral out of control - that is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders....

I guess we all have a limit and if/when I reach it I'll know.

Thanks again 🙂

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

Cornstarch — Mon, 19 Sep 2016 08:33:03 GMT

I really feel for you and your "isolation" that you refer to.

It's such a lonely experience.

Feeling helpless, desperate, heart-broken for the person suffering because it must be hell-on-earth for them......but yet breaking inside yourself.

It's just awful. Awful.

xxxxxx