topic My beautiful daughter in Supporting family and friends

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 21:53:00 GMT

Originally posted by: Angie on 26 April 2012

My 14yo daughter is really worrying me. Lately she has been crying all the time without any reason. She has kept it to herself until yesterday when she finally told me. She doesn't know what's wrong or why she is sad. She always has friends around and appears really happy. She told me externally she shows she's happy but inside she doesn't feel right. I know what she means - I do the same thing but I'm an adult and responsible for myself. She's my child and I'm responsible for her. I don't want to let this go without fixing it. I'm making an appointment with our GP today but I'm wondering if she is put on medication will she be on them forever? Is this my fault for not dealing with my issues properly? Is it my fault because I don't cuddle her enough? Will we get through this?

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:52:15 GMT

Originally posted by: karen on 26 April 2012

Hi Angie, I feel for your situation. The last thing we want is for our children to go through the same thing. You have more things to worry about than blaming yourself for what is most likely genetics. The up side is that you know what she is going through and you can help her through it. Keep talking and listening to her. I'm sure she finds comfort that at least she doesn't need to justify her feelings. It might help to remember that while her feelings are similar to yours she is coming from a different place ie. different life experience, personality etc. It may not be as bleak as you expect. I think it's wonderful your daughter can share this with you and you may end up helping each other. take care and all the best karen

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:06:29 GMT

Originally posted by: David Charles on 26 April 2012

Dear Angie, If your daughter was going off the rails and you didn't notice then maybe you could blame yourself. I prefer to think of these situations as just bad judgement. I mean, how can a mother be blamed for anything when they do such an amazing job ? Having any 14 year old daughter talk to a parent, for me, is a minor miracle and you should be congratulating yourself that communication is sincere and genuine. This anxiety/depression might only be short term and I don't think it's really helpful by wondering if medication will be for life.......... Your daughter is for life. Mix it up a bit and break the in house crying. When kids focus on life outside their inner problems they usually find a balance. Adios, David.

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:02:59 GMT

Originally posted by: stephen on 27 April 2012

Hi Angie, Please make that appointment with the GP as soon as you can.It's important a proper diagnosis is made and your GP should be able to do this. The GP might suggest some therapy with a Psychologist instead of medication at this stage. Please let us know how the appointment goes. Stephen.

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:39:07 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 27 April 2012

dear Angie, depression can and will strike anyone, it doesn't matter whether the family situation is going along nicely or not. Some kids or grown ups can have all the love in the world, but if depression is lurking around then nothing can stop it. It's not your fault and you should never believe so, even kids with parents who had this illness cope very well, and perhaps become stronger. There's no way anyone can protect their children, partners or friends from this illness, it just overcomes us and swallows us up. It's great that she has confided in you, and that's the first stepping stone for her recovery, and going to the doctor will benefit the both of you. Angie how much is too much affection or attention or where do we draw the line, there isn't any line, it's only what we can give that the other person appreciates, it's not smothering them or neglecting them, it's just an equal balance. Unfortunately your daughter is only 14, but with your help plus the doctors assistance, both of you will improve. It's a new learning curve that you will benefit from. I truly hope that this is true. Love Geoff. x

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 09:11:00 GMT

Originally posted by: F on 28 April 2012

Please don`t blame yourself.That may seem easier said than done sometimes but the more you blame yourself it will make YOU sick too. The best thing I can suggest is to follow your instinct and see your GP with your daughter and talk through your worries,thoughts etc and go from there Best of luck and remember all who come on this bullietin board have or had similar experiences and we are right behind you.

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 21:13:23 GMT

Originally posted by: Angie on 30 April 2012

Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice and for taking the time to reply. I've said it before and I'll say it again I'd be lost without Beyondblue and you beautiful people. I have taken my daughter to our gp and she has started the ball rolling for counselling. Like most of you she was glad that my daughter confides in me and trusts me totally. I must have been blind because I didn't realise how important that was. I thought it was just a way of life. All my kids tell me everything all the time no matter how big, small, happy or sad and I always listen. I thought that was just the normal thing to do so I was surprised by the comments of praise about that. It's been a tough couple of weeks seeing a very bubbly, bright, happy, energetic girl just shrivel up and lose all that. Thank you again everyone - you're just wonderful!!

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 00:57:50 GMT

Originally posted by: Deborah on 30 April 2012

Dear Angie I know exactly what you are feeling. Our children all suffer from various degrees of depression and the iniatial thought was what have we done? We are a loving family with "normal" lives but have a genetic tendency to this illness. We all can understand how each feels at various stages of this horrible illness. Hormones and this age is a difficult time. Going to your GP is very important to get an outside assessment and help. Medication, therapy and diagnosis is different for each patient so this is a important visit. Its wonderful you and your daughter can talk about these issues. My daughters are the same and at various times of the month sometimes their moods go up and down even though they take medication. As they have become older they a more aware of their condition and there responses to stress, hormones and exercise. Love and listening are all our children need sometimes to help through some of lifes hurdles. Its nothing you have done so stop beating yourself up. Good luck Angie be in touch x lov Deb

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:51:29 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 1 May 2012

dear Angie, you are definitely a beautiful mother and lady of course to have this most important association with your daughter. We all have to remember that as the hormones change over time so does the person, but if your child can relate their problems, both good and bad, then that's exactly the ideal situation. All the very best for you and your daughter, and please let us know on how it unfolds. Love Geoff. x

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 02 May 2012 00:02:45 GMT

Originally posted by: Angie on 2 May 2012

Hey there guys I'm back for a little more advice please. I just can't get what's happening at the moment. My once gorgeous girl is turning into a monster. She roars, screams, kicks, slams doors, cries and hates life. She has no motivation whatsoever and enjoys nothing other than what I just listed here. I understand I need to be patient but my patience is running out quickly. I've been letting her get away with things like if she doesn't do her chores I've been overlooking it at the moment and doint them myself. I know she has a short fuse and I don't want this constant explosion that we are having. As for discipline well - I have no idea how to handle that. Do I still take things away like I would normally. I don't want to tip her over the edge. She left for school today saying she's never coming back and if he does she will kill herself. We are not that bad honestly. Please help me, please I'm so lost. I don't want to be here anymore. I've got a good mind of not being here and switching off my phone for a couple of hours this afternoon to make her realise how important family is but once again I'm scared of what this would do for her. I'm treading on egg shells and I'm terrified. How can these changes happen so quickly? I don't know what to do anymore. I know as a mum I need to be here and support the kids but it's all beyond me right now. I have contacted our gp and now it's a waiting game..... Thanks again everyone xx

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 02 May 2012 07:23:47 GMT

Originally posted by: David Charles on 2 May 2012

Dear Angie, A 14 year girl that kicks, screams, shouts, etc, might seem a bit out of control but maybe she is looking to demonstrate what she IS capable of, i.e. can control. Plus, they're great attention seekers. Until she gets more challenging in her behaviour you might find the whole thing passes in a couple of weeks. It's not like she's running down the street naked jumping into passing cars, harming the neighbours, threatening the newsagent, etc. Could be just calculated behaviour gauranteed to cause the maximum mothering. You could always ring Lifeline if the behaviour does become more serious. Early intervention seems to be the preferred option these days. But I wouldn't deny your daughter her erratic behaviours. It's just her way of communicating with you. A lot of mental health emerges in the late teens. Adios, David.

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 02 May 2012 08:03:49 GMT

Originally posted by: karen on 2 May 2012

Hi Angie, Is your daughter in year 9? Apparently that is the most challenging year for teenagers. Does your daughter have somewhere to run when she needs to calm down? I have told my son instead of running away go for a run until he cools down and then come home but if it came to it I would rather he run to a friend's house. I've got some friends who are slowly coming out of the extremely difficult phase with their girls with varying degrees of success. One friend has done everything, therapy for her daughter, for the family, parenting courses, boarding school in year 11 to change peers and take the pressure off the rest of the family. The other friend has more complicated issues with drugs, drinking and self harm. Their main goals are similar though to keep the girls safe and minimise harm and to keep their sanity. I imagine it would be extremely hard to not take it personally but you have to put on that teflon coat and not let the verbal abuse affect you. Can your husband take time off or change jobs so he is around more and can support you and your daughter through this. I remember when I was 14 I thought I knew it all and I ended up leaving school at that age. It definitely isn't ideal but I survived and, in my opinion, thrived...... eventually 🙂 Pace yourself Angela because it may be a short phase or it may be the next few years of your life but hopefully you will both get through it. School is a time for formal and conventional learning but there are many ways to learn and it's never too late to get an education. Step back, take a breath and evaluate your priorities regarding your daughter and that may help in how you support her. take care, karen

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 02 May 2012 09:48:12 GMT

Originally posted by: Deborah on 2 May 2012

Hi Angie i know what you mean it is difficult to deal with and sometimes its like a different person with a split personality. Patience is important but firmness and rules need to be applied still. Maybe do the chores together or tell her "you know she is not coping so for now you will help her".Your daughter is probably frightened and doesnt understand what is going on within her so her anger is the only way she can vent her fear, maybe. They can be dramatic in their threats and they can be very unreasonable and paranoid. Mental illness is very difficult for all. Communicating is more important than fighting over chores.We have to be understanding and remember its the illness that has changed things not your daughter. Try to talk to her sympatheticly and explain this is difficult for you as well as her and can you both help each other through this difficult period.Hugs and talking in a calm but firm voice often work in moving forward for us. Hopefully you get in to your GP soon. Be in touch Angie lov Deb

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Wed, 24 Oct 2012 22:18:53 GMT

Originally posted by: Angie on 25 October 2012

Last week I saw my daughter with a rather large bandaid on her wrist when i asked happened she said she hurt it at school. I didn't want to push it so I kept an eye on her unitl it was removed some days later. When I saw it I asked again what happened and she said I hurt it at school. Ok I might not be a teenager who knows everything but I know this is not an accident! So I asked if she did it herself. NO was the answer. A couple of hours later she sobs hysterically telling me she did it herself because she wants to die and she cried begging me to let her die. I had finally received an appointment with a psychologist after 2 months of waiting but she seemed to settle down and was happy again. She didn't want to go and I thought she had come good and it was a phase she was going through so I cancelled the appointment. Is this just attention seeking? Is it to be taken seriously? Would she really kill herself? I'm so lost. I don't want to pay attention to it if that's why she's doing it but I don't want to ignore it if she's serious. Any suggestions? By the way thank you to everyone once again for being part of this wonderful site xx

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 09:25:08 GMT

Originally posted by: David Charles on 25 October 2012

Dear Angie, Re-book the appointment or something similar. Even if things balance it's gotta be better to make a connection. You might need advice later on and having met up with one bastion of medical health would help. That's if you daughter and yourself hit it off with the hired mental help. I had a death defying moment from my 18 yr youngest daughter last week. It was all show but demonstrated how fragile teenagers are. My wife had taken the car and my daughter had a party and expected transport. The screaming that ensued was something like "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ! I WANT TO DIE !". All she had to do was jot the party in our diary. Somehow, this age group expects us to be mind readers. Good Luck. Adios, David. PS The other point I was gonna make was about you only having one child - hard balance between being overly concerned and anxiously anal. Tricky.

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 11:51:22 GMT

Originally posted by: stephen on 25 October 2012

Hi Angie, I think all self harm should be taken seriously. Your daughter is clearly distressed. Do you have a good family Doctor? Waiting 2 months for a Psychologist is just ridiculous. I would go back to your Doctor and ask for a referral for another Psychologist. Let us know how you go. Stephen

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:52:22 GMT

Originally posted by: Scott2 on 25 October 2012

Hi Angie your parenting skills have nothing to do with it, The self harm etc dont focus to much on that, it's just a control thing. Anyhow her moods i would be more worried concerned about,they need to be under control more , so she can then seek councilling. Start with step 1 and 2 medication if appropriate sounds it, then Councillor. Stop all the chaos for now being hard on yourself. Sometimes Life is just a B*** and we dont deal with it to well and we need some help ..is my Theory. Good luck S2

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 22:53:08 GMT

Originally posted by: candy on 26 October 2012

Dear Angie,self harm is generally a way of transferring emotional pain into physical pain, I have been through similar with my eldest son as he couldn't deal with his depressed thoughts, so to have some control over mental pain he turned it to physical so he had some control, all I could do was give him love and understanding and lots of outside help from mental health professionals,he would go off and punch holes in walls and scream, it has gotten heaps better, it is hard being a mother with a mental illness and then to watch our kids go down a similar road is heart breaking, please don't blame yourself as its so easy to do, please take advantage of all the help you can for yourself and your daughter as you need help to get through this as well, my heart and tears go out to you,Candy

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 10:49:24 GMT

Originally posted by: Angie on 26 October 2012

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I've managed to get her in to see a counsellor next week but she doesn't want to go. I've mentioned that to the counsellor, so I'm going to meet her first and take it a step at a time. It's so hard seeing a bright, bubbly, happy person so down and when she doesn't want to talk it's just so much harder. I've been giving alot of quite cuddles while she cries. I've successfully managed to coax her out of her room and off for a walk or run around the park which I notice helps somewhat. She's not my only child she's one of 3. One of the others is so happy-go-lucky and nothing phases him - he has been a happy soul since birth and continues to be. The 3rd is only a baby - so hopefully bub will be another happy-go-lucky person! Once again thank you everyone - thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to care. Angie xx

My beautiful daughter

Bulletin_Board_Archive — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 18:48:39 GMT

Originally posted by: geoff on 27 October 2012

dear Angie, I know that this upsets you a great deal and that your daughter is struggling. It doesn't matter how well a parent tries to guide their kids in the right direction there are many other factors that can influence them such as their peers, school or pressure by the opposite sex to engage in the naughty things in life. The only thing is that she has opened up to you, which is sometimes a battle, but this is good and from this then you can direct her to the appropriate help. There must be lots of other points in her life in which she is holding back from telling you, but that's normal for a teenager, and why she needs to keep seeing a professional psych. Take care. Love Geoff. x