topic How do I help my friend? in Supporting family and friends

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 22:55:31 GMT

Hello

I haven't posted in this forum before and I'm really hoping someone can offer some advice.

my best friend has suffered from depression for as long as I've known him (about 15 years). His parents took him to see psychologists when he was younger but he didn't want to participate and he usually just sat there and didn't say anything. Now that he's an adult he says he has accepted his depression, it's a part of him and it will never change. He has times where he seems ok and other times he's completely withdrawn, doesn't want to talk or see anyone.

I offer as much support as I can, telling him he's a great person, an amazing friend and that I will help him with whatever he needs.

I'm really struggling with the idea that he doesn't want to get help and I really miss my best friend. What do I do?

How do I help my friend?

CrashCoyote — Fri, 30 Jan 2015 12:55:17 GMT

Hi Mel85,

I think anyone on here suffering depression (including me) will tell you the same thing.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

When I try to explain the impact of mental health issues to people that struggle with (translation = disbelieve) their existence, I use a physical ailment as an analogy. I am not suggesting you do not understand, I am just putting his situation in different terms.

In his case, imagine your best friend has a broken arm. He knows it is broken. He knows that treatment is available. He knows the treatment will improve his condition. He just won't do it. If you offer your arm to the radiologist no break will show. If you take the image to a doctor, there will be nothing to treat. You cannot do it for him.

Unfortunately, apart from encouraging him to seek treatment and participate in it, I do not see that there is much you can do. In Australia people are free to decline medical help except in very unusual circumstances, and it is his right to not seek treatment.

I wish I could give you more hope, but it is down to him.

Kind regards, John.

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 02:27:55 GMT

Hi John

Thanks for your response. I know you're right about this, I can only help him if he wants help.

I'll wait for him to reach out.

I'm finding this particularly hard at the moment, I really miss my friend.

Cheers

How do I help my friend?

CrashCoyote — Mon, 02 Feb 2015 03:17:57 GMT

Hi Mel85,

Thank you for your feedback.

Have you considered talking to your GP about how you feel?

Kind regard, John.

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 01:00:20 GMT

Hi John

I haven't considered talking to my GP, I wouldn't have thought they could help much with me missing my friend? Interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

I have suffered from anxiety for many years and have times where I feel down. It's mostly under control and don't see my GP about it much anymore.

How do I help my friend?

CrashCoyote — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 05:50:28 GMT

Hi Mel85,

I do not think your GP can help with you missing your friend, and without knowing much about you, am only offering information in case you are unaware of what is available to you.

A GP can assess you for your suitability for a Mental Health Plan, heavily subsidised or totally subsidised by Medicare if you need to see a psych for your own anxiety or depression. If those aren't issues, maybe just speaking to a counsellor or calling the help line here can provide some support and just someone to talk to.

Kind regards, John.

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 09:56:16 GMT

Thanks John 🙂

How do I help my friend?

lookingforme — Tue, 03 Feb 2015 11:49:58 GMT

Hi Mel85,

I just thought maybe I would write something down here as I can empathize with you on two fronts.

Firstly, I've been where your friend is at. No one has actually taken me for therapy sessions, but I have at one stage in my life accepting that depression was a part of my life and it'll never change. And I have withdrawn from everyone and come back and gone through those cycles. In fact, just yesterday my friend was telling me how my emotions seem to be going from bouts of indifference and anger and back again, to normal and back to indifference.

Secondly, I've been where you are at. Worrying about your friend and simply wanting your friend back.

With regards to the first situation, I completely agree with John. I never wanted to go for counselling, and I always made excuses and always accepted where things were with me, and I rode it out. I'm not saying I'm any better but after years of dealing with it and everything that comes with it, I have only in the last couple of weeks made the decision to go see a psychologist. I made the call today, and that was a big step for me. You can only hope that your friend wants to change, to see that change come about. And when that happens, let your friend know that you're there to support him. But you certainly can't force him. The biggest thing for me when I came out of my isolation mode was realizing that I had at least one person there for me, who stuck around all along.

In regards to the second situation, it can be terrible to want your friend back, and with regard to how isolated you feel it can come with desperation. Of course, these feelings could have been enhanced by my own depression. You have mentioned anxiety, could that be a factor in what you're feeling? Again, consider what John has said about seeing your GP about it. Also, if it is you needing your friend, maybe you should remind him of that. When I would withdraw, my friend would message me and ask me to come back to her because she needed me. It worked.

With my friend and I, we have come to a settling point where we could be in each other's company but nothing had to be said. If nothing else, I hope you can find that point with your friend. Because as you need him, he needs you but might have a hard time showing it or even realizing it.

I'm not sure if this helped at all. Sorry if it didn't.

Joelle

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 01:18:48 GMT

Hi Joelle

This is very helpful, thank you.

I have accepted that I can't make him do anything he wants to do, I just want him to know that I am always there for him, in any way he needs.

We're able to just sit on the couch an watch tv together without talking which I'm thankful for. When he's feeling at his worst he won't talk to anyone or see anyone and that's when I get worried the most, I think I just have to give him his space?

I do really miss him but I'm not sure I want to tell him this or that I need him because I don't want to make him feel guilty or add to the way he's feeling, do you think this is what would happen?

I feel selfish for missing him or needing him because whilst this is horrible for me he is feeling much worse.

Mel

How do I help my friend?

lookingforme — Thu, 05 Feb 2015 08:51:28 GMT

Hi Mel,

From what you have written earlier, you have already told him that you will be there for him no matter what, and that's a great thing.

With regard to giving him space; you woud know better than I if that is the right call, because friends develop a sense of each other when it comes to their interactions. I can tell you that when I retreated into myself for a while, I replied to people's messages just to say that I replied. I did feel my phone was a burden on me. That's only because I got used to people not messaging me after, because they knew the kind of messages I'd reply with. So they had stopped. And I got comfortable with the isolation.

If it's okay, can I ask what patterns you notice when he comes out of his isolation? What makes him change his mind, do you think? Does he contact you when he does? Do you know what triggers him in the first place? I know these are all personal.

For me, it was okay for my friend to tell me that she needed me. It helped to snap me out of it, really. It did make me feel guilty in hindsight for my actions at the time. But, because I was there for her after, it made up for all of it. So it turned out okay.

I think it's okay to tell someone you miss them. I don't think it's selfish because while doing so, you're telling them that they are important to you in a very simple way. Important to you. Being missed or needed is often an uplifting thing.

Knowing your friend, as you do, do you think it's okay to tell him you miss him, if not need him?

I'm sorry that all I can give you is my personal experience and not a definitive answer. But you should trust your instinct because he is your best friend, and know the situation better than I.

How are you holding up?

Joelle

How do I help my friend?

CrashCoyote — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 12:08:35 GMT

Hi Mel85,

I just wanted to see how you are coping?

Kind regards, John.

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 21:18:40 GMT

Hi Joelle

I'm not really sure what his triggers are, he says its just harder to hide how he feels sometimes. He's saying that if he seems happy that he's really not, he's just hiding his depression. I don't completely understand this, he does seem happy sometimes, I don't think its always an act.

What scares me is that he has said for years that this is just the way he is and doesn't want to seek help. I know no one can make him get help and it breaks my heart to see him suffer. He seems to feel so depressed but be comfortable with it.

You have said that people stopped texting you after a while because they knew the response you would give. I'm determined not to stop the contact with my friend, it seems to be one of the only things I can do so I hope it helps somehow.

Mel

How do I help my friend?

Mel85 — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 21:23:44 GMT

Hi John,

Thanks for the follow up, that's really lovely of you.

I haven't been feeling great, I've been feeling a little down myself but I'm getting through it, my fiancé is so supportive which I am thankful for.

My anxiety has been worse recently so my naturopath has changed some of the things I take, hopefully this will help.

Mel

How do I help my friend?

CrashCoyote — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 23:02:46 GMT

Hi Mel,

Is your fiance and best friend one in the same? I don't recall you mentioning a fiance before.

I am sorry if my views conflict with Joelle's, although it is the reason that different people post, to offer their own experience, and we all have different experiences.

I know you cannot see this from the inside but it is affecting you. Have you been to see a GP about your own mental health? If you haven't, is it because you do not want to hear his/her advice?

You are trying to change something you have no control over, which is bound to fail. Please try to focus on what you do have control over. In your own posts you have acknowledged that he has to do his bit yet he has consistently said he will not. You are becoming addicted to the relationship (such that it is) and not having your needs met.

I do not want to see you dragged down by this situation. One sided and/or manipulative relationships always bring more pain than pleasure. If you do not have a relationship based on mutual respect, it is a relationship where one person has too much power.

Please talk to someone objective and, if they think you should keep doing what you are trying to do, go for it.

Kind regards, John.

P.S. Even if you do not like my view, there can be no harm in talking to a GP!!!!

How do I help my friend?

lookingforme — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 04:05:37 GMT

Hi Mel and John,

John, I actually agree with you. Mel, if this situation is making your anxiety worse, and is making you feel down on yourself, maybe you should get some distance. Definitely, as John said, speak to your GP, and they can give you a direction about your situation and how you're feeling because of it.

It is harder to hide feelings at times, for all of us, and happiness, to me, is a fluid concept and not always long lasting. It sometimes may not be an act, but it may not always be long lasting. Unfortunately, what scares you (him not changing and being "comfortable" with his depression), is the very thing you cannot control. And I'm not saying cut him out completely, I know you want to be a good friend (and you are for being concerned about him), but maybe spend more time, as John said, focusing on things you can control, and the good things in your life.

Friends are important but you are important too, and you shouldn't lose sight of that. Maybe for now, focusing on taking care of yourself?

Take Care

Joelle

How do I help my friend?

dreamstar124 — Sun, 01 Mar 2015 02:19:11 GMT

Hi everyone,

I am suffering from anxiety and I am meeting a counsellor since school has started. I recently started meeting a psychologist who is very nice to me and understands me so well. And today I made a very hard move for me by telling my parents about my anxiety but not everything. I still feel depressed from time to time and wanted some help to feel better. I always feel like hiding from everyone because it is hard for me to go through this time.

How do I help my friend?

lookingforme — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 17:12:25 GMT

Hi Dreamstar,

Sorry that it has taken a few days to respond to you.

Firstly, well done on seeking help with a psychologist and counsellor, and telling your parents about your anxiety. That is something that hits home for me because my family doesn't know much about my problems either - very courageous.

are you discussing your depression with your psych/counsellor?

How have you been feeling these last few days?

hope to hear back from you,

Joelle

How do I help my friend?

dreamstar124 — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 01:35:21 GMT

Hi Joelle,

Thanks for replying to my message. Since the day I told my parents about my anxiety, I have been always thinking the negative side of things and not even considering the positive aspect of things. I also get panic attacks randomly when I don't think even think anything or even when I am happy.

I really appreciate your kind words as my family don't fully understand my problems even though my dad has went through depression himself. I am only 16 years old but I never knew the feeling I felt every time I was in public had a name to it. Now I found out it is anxiety but I still can't get myself out of it. Also, I am constantly shaking whenever I am in school as I have convinced myself that everyone is laughing at me.

Can you please help me Joelle? I would really appreciate it if you do.

How do I help my friend?

lookingforme — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 01:56:20 GMT

Hi Dreamstar,

How have you been?

I remember being 16 and being depressed and anxious, and going through it on my own. Friends didn't really understand, and I grew up in a place where the culture didn't even consider depression and anxiety. I didn't look for help, I couldn't put a name on it, as you so rightly put it. And I think, because I got used to it being 'me against the world' when it came to how I felt, it took me 10 years to seek help. I was never courageous enough to tell my family, and I still haven't told them, but these are personal issues because of how I expect them to take the news. But I can say, now that you have told them, even if they may not fully understand your problems, maybe you can use them as a support system. If not, do you have a friend who you can gain support from?

I also fully understand dwelling on all the negatives. For me, even when something really good happens, all I can be about it is indifferent and neutral. But, and I stress this as much as I can, you telling your family, reaching out to them, and especially a psychologist/counsellor, is a massive positive. While others who cannot understand, expect all of this to go away in an instant (again from my personal experience), you have to remind yourself that it's a process that involves time and learning. And you've taken that glorious first step of getting help, and it's a step in the right direction - a big positive.

You now have a name for everything that's happening to you. You should continue with your psychologist (if you're comfortable with him/her) and see your GP about it as well (again if you're comfortable). If you aren't comfortable with either, you should find a new one (also based on personal experience).

Apart from supporting you through this and giving you words of encouragement, this is the best way that I can help you. After changing my GP and seeing my counsellor, even only for a few weeks, there is a sense of unburdening that I can't fully describe, and I am learning about my issues and how to cope, which can be different from person to person, and which is a great thing, especially after the desperation one can feel to just feel better.

I hope that you have found my words useful, and again, you will find support and understanding in this forum, Hope to hear from you soon, Dreamstar.

Joelle