topic I'm so over my mum in Supporting family and friends

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 08:50:51 GMT

Hi everyone

A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD. Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away.

So the relationship between me and my parents is not that great, although I am so so happy that I can get to see my dad. I feel that he is caught in the middle of a very domineering and controlling wife and their children. I had no contact with my dad because of her. Now I have changed, I don't phone her every day like I used up until 4 yrs ago. I would come home and first tyhing I would phone mum. Now I couldn't care less if I don't phone her, so I only call her when I feel like it and it could be days or a week between calls,

Tonight I came home from the hospital outpatient program (which was good today but a bit confronting and I was teary). But I had the support from the therapist and I was okay. I phoned my mum when I got home while cooking tea. Mum answered the phone and the conversation was over in 2 mins. She was so cold towards me, very very short conversation with me and then she said oh well i better let you go, and she hung up. I thought what the hell have I done to deserve this?

I am so over her and her behavioiur, I am not taking it anymore from her. I am not going to call her now and wait and see what she does. I have done nothing wrong so if she wants to be like a child, well let her. I am over it. I have my own issues to sort out and it is affecting me so much, trying to deal with the abuse, the people involved, relationship problems and communication problems with hubby and my self esteem, my confidence, just everything. I don't need an extra crap from her.

She apparently is annoyed that I am talking to my sister (who supported and spoke to for the 4 yrs) because she doesn't like it when we are close. How can a mother not be happy for her 2 daughters to be close. I just don't get it.

The only person I feel sorry for is my poor dad - yet again caught in the middle of family crap and he never speaks out.

Actually I just thought - I don't care now if we don't speak again because they didn't speak to me for 4 yrs - so now it doesn't matter if it happens again.

Why does my mum have to be like this?

I'm so over my mum

vip — Thu, 19 Jun 2014 12:11:45 GMT

Jo its not fair when you cant get support from your own mum she sounds to me like she may have mental issues too do you think? or is it just this old school generation who just don't get it . Ive spoken to you before about my husbands father treating me like crap and never wanting to see me my husband or my son but that's fine this guy is mentally disturbed big time I had to cut ties with all of them 6 yrs ago after my trajic event . Just chat with your dada maybe take him out for a coffee on his own could you do that it seems like your getting no where with your mum it might be time to just stay close with dad your sister and forget her behaviour let her chase you not you chase her , Hope this helps jo these situations I can relate to with family you know that and its draining and time consuming while our lives tick away slowely

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Fri, 20 Jun 2014 07:06:26 GMT

Hi VIP

Thanks for your support, but you know I can't even do that with my dad - go out for a coffee because my mum is so close and tight with my dad, he doesn't go anywhere, it's pretty sad when I think about it.

But I am keeping my distance, even for now if it means not seeing my dad. There is nothing else I can do. It just makes me really angry and emotional because they are from the old school and the italian background does not help (you know what I mean). I guess I expected them to be different parents but they will never change, I think I was wishing that they would change.

Do you know in the 6 months that we have been talking again they have NOT come to my house, always finding an excuse and it really hurts, because i try to involve them and have them over but they don't put the effort in. So from now on I am not asking or inviting them over, i have my own children and their partners and hubby to worry about and spend time with, if they don't want to come over then that's their choice and regret, which in a way, i hope they do have regrets.

I'm sorry I am venting now and i am angry, you know i try to be a good daughter, i;ve done nothing wrong and i still feel like i get the crap treatment.

take care

Jo xxx

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 07:59:13 GMT

I am so damn angry tonight, I don't know where to begin.

OK, here it goes. A lot of you on here know of my situation with my parents. My sister (who supported me over the 4 yrs of not talking to parents) rang my mum this morning to say hi. My mum was very angry towards my sister and said that dad is stressed because of her and me, that we have caused him so much stress. When i heard that i broke down, i have never ever caused stress in dad's life. The only thing I did was tell my mum (without my dad there because of her) that i was sexually abused as a child. They then did not talk to me for 4 yrs. I have never caused any harm to my dad and why would I? I don't want my dad to be stressed, why would I want him stressed for, i love him so much, i don't deserve this.

My younger sister is having a 40th birthday party this week and my other sister is not going. She has now been abused and yelled at by my mum because she is not going, it has nothing to do with my mum at all.

My sister told my mum that it is HER that is causing the stress to my dad not us. And then she said what about my brother and younger sister - have they not caused stress in my dad's life? Oh yes, they have and plenty of times, i could write a book about my brother and the stress he has caused my poor dad. Oh no but because he is the oldest and my younger sister are the golden children - they have done nothing wrong ever.

I am so hurt by my mums words because this hurts so much. I am crying because i know deep down that i have done nothing wrong.

My mum was going right off at my sister and started yelling at her so my sister hung up on her.

Crying and feeling very hurt

I'm so over my mum

Lara — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 10:21:29 GMT

Hi Jo,

I'm really sad to hear about the relationship you have with you mother and the pain it causes. You are right that you have done nothing wrong and I know there's not much others can say to make you feel better about it but take some relief in knowing that you are not alone.

I can relate all too well to this family situation, I do not get along with my mother to the point where I benefit greatly from distancing myself from her but the unfortunate consequence is that I do not spend time with my Dad. I routinely am hurt by my mother's complete inability to show compassion or even just simple courtesy towards me. I continually try to reach out to them, hoping that one day they will become the doting, caring parents I always dreamed of but have always ended up being disappointed.

I have learnt over great deliberation of the matter that they are incapable of giving me what I wanted and even needed as a child. I probably won't ever stop hoping that I will still get what I missed out on (and still am missing out on) but it is a little easier to stomach when you know that they are incapable of giving you the attention, love and support that you deserve. Sometimes we just have to learn to stop reaching out to them. Its a much more rewarding experience seeking love and support from those who are able to give it - luckily I have an endless supply of that in my husband! Take care. Newbie poster Lara

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 10:31:47 GMT

Hi Lara

Welcome to BB forum and thanks so much for your caring reply.

It sounds like you understand completely about parents especially mothers. It is so difficult to comprehend or understand how any parents especially mothers can be like this. I struggle with this all the time, and like you, I still hope that they would change and love me for me now. And yes, I do crave for them to love me when i was a child, an adult, a human being with my own choices and decisions. But no, it's only whatever she (mum) wants.

I am so sorry Lara to read that you don't have a close relationship with your parents and I really understand how you are feeling.

And like you say - spend precious time with the ones that love us and want to spend time with us - i have my husband and 3 beautiful adult children and their partners. I am very lucky.

But it still hurts to not have that relationship with my mum.

I am really glad though that I have a close relationship with my daughter (22 yrs).

Take care Lara, hope to chat again with you

I'm so over my mum

AGrace — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 10:43:47 GMT

Hi Jo,

What's the saying, you cant choose your family...!

You can however choose what relationship you have with them. It sounds like distance might be a good choice here, as much as its sad that you miss out on the opportunity to connect with your dad. I do wonder though if your dad is truly showing a good example of putting you first? After all you are his daughter.

I can understand your anger. A couple of months ago while I was in hospital my mum came to visit me. She knows my diagnosis (BPD, PTSD, Depression & Anxiety), and she had the nerve to tell me she knows exactly how I feel, and when she feels that way she has a cup of herbal tea!!! I should point out she doesn't have a mental illness. Yet sometimes I do wonder. Seriously, if herbal tea would cure me id stop spending money on psychiatrists, psychologists, and medication and instead I'd take out shares in Liptons or Tetley!

It sounds like you have a lovely family of your own, and not that im one for seeking revenge, but if thats what you wish for, then I think the best revenge would be to continue being a wonderful mum to your own children.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could pick our parents from a shelf full at the grocery store, check that they're not out of date, that they're full of nutritional goodness, and they are exceptional value for money...Wishful thinking!

AGrace

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 10:55:02 GMT

Hi AGrace

It's nice to hear from you, thank you for your reply.

I think sometimes that my mum has a mental illness. And my poor dad just does what she says, I can't work it out.

Yeah it would be so good to be able to "pick and choose our parents" from a grocery store!!! How good would that be!!!

My mum is the same, she would say to me that I am not strong because I am seeing a psych; because when she is stressed she copes on her own. She always reminds me that she is stronger than everyone else.

I agree limited visits to them is the way to go; it's just that i don't get to see my dad but i have no other option.

Thanks again AGrace

Take care,

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 21:24:25 GMT

So now I am blamed for causing stress to my dad. My mum blames me and my sister to have caused dad to become sick. But the other 2 children (oldest & youngest) have never caused stress to dad - according to my mum. Yet I could write a book about those two.

I am so hurt, feeling this like a knife in my back by my mum.

How on earth can my mum blame me for telling them about my childhood abuse, i know they would have been stressed about hearing it but i cannot be held responsible for this. I was only a child and now i feel like everything is my fault.

Not feeling good this morning - hurt and distraught

I'm so over my mum

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 23:54:53 GMT

Hi Jo,

I can feel the hurt from here, Jo. I can hear the pain in your words.

What your mum is doing is blaming everyone but the people who are actually at fault here, because she can't process or handle the truth of the matter. The factthat she would do this when it is you who have undergone the abuse is quite frankly, disgusting.

I am glad your sister said the things she did and stood up to her. Your mum can't keep her head buried in the sand forever. I also feel sorry for your dad in this situation, almost being held hostage by your mums self imposed blindness.

I don't really have answers to solve this other than to have limited contact with you mother. If you feel like you need to vent about it here is a safe place, until you can get to your psych and maybe he can help you write a final communication to her, expressing all that you feel. Just an idea, he may not think its a good idea.

Its what I would do, but I am so far from makivng rational decisions i probably shouldn't even be giving advice.

I am thinking of you, Jo. When is your next appointments?

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 00:13:03 GMT

Hi GA

I am upset this morning, not coping. Everything feels so dark, the house, the walls, the weather. feel trapped inside today.

seeing my psych on thursday but i have emailed him. i just feel so neglected, so hurt and not believed in anything i told her about the abuse.

i just can't understand how my mum can blame me for something that I was a victim to all those years ago. how and why - i just don't understand.

i sometimes think - what would she do if i did disappear, self harmed - what would she say then - if i yelled at her and told her how angry i am at her.

need to stop, too upsetting

I'm sorry GA, i shouldn't be on here ranting and raving

I'm so over my mum

Lara — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 07:52:42 GMT

Hi jo, I think this is the perfect place to rant and rave. At least it's to people that understand. Glad you are seeing your psych on Thursday, I have been seeing mine weekly (on a Thursday 🙂 ) for over 2 years, many sessions have consisted of trying to understand why my mother is the way she is and why she has done these things to me. The stabbing pain and darkness has been extreme in the past but I am happy to say through a lot of hard work on my part it has dulled a little. I have found there are few people in this world I can feel comfortable sharing my true feelings about my mum with. To speak poorly of your own mother is generally frowned upon, people don't understand how a mother can inflict such pain on her own child - it's incomprehensible for most. It can make you feel so alone. So please do me a favour and rant to your hearts content! I read a book which was the best thing I ever did for myself to realise I wasn't alone, it was "will I ever be good enough - the daughters of narcissistic mothers" it was like I finally realised I wasn't completely nuts! It's incredible how much energy we can put into loving / hating our mums. Mum's answer to everything wasn't herbal tea it was "just be happy", "you shouldn't be sad, just be happy" , "just get over it" complete disregard for everybody's right to their own feelings. No concept of you can't tell someone how to feel.

Can I tell you I was really happy and almost relieved to read that you have a great relationship with your daughter. I have great anxiety related to my fear of never being able to have children just in case I am like my mother towards my own children and especially a daughter. It's a ripe subject for me as the clock is a ticking as they say.

sending you a big hug during your dark time, realise as hard as it seems in those moments the light comes back eventually. Unfortunately the light generally comes from realising it just best to focus your energy elsewhere, perhaps like talking to more accepting people in here when you need it.

I'm so over my mum

Neil_1 — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 08:37:58 GMT

This reply is going to tongue in cheek (hopefully get a laugh or a grin) AND is going to be dead serious - you have to decide which is which.

Everything is so dark, the house, the walls - "Ok, I'm seeing why hubby wants to start painting"

Feeling trapped inside - "well, with Melbourne/Victoria's weather today, that could be the best place to be".

I totally understand you feeling hurt - but Jo, you're not neglected - you've got your support mechanisms in place - you've got so MANY friends on this wonderful site and we're here for you NO MATTER WHAT. I'm pleased that you've got an upcoming psych session happening.

You know, I don't thing ANYONE on this site can understand your Mum. Suffice to say that the more you have to do with her, the more your condition is suffering. The deeper down into that black hole you're being dragged because of her.

If you disappeared or she knew that you self-harmed would be very similar responses: "Oh Jo, I don't know why she does that to herself - she's just silly. She should just make herself a cup of tea and cook up a nice dinner for her husband, clean the house, and make sure everything is tidy - oh and she should just forget the past - lord knows I have - but then again, when you get to my age, it's easy to forget things". "Now, what was I talking about again?"

Jo, if you yelled at your mum, or you told her how angry you were at her - well, may I suggest you do this first - as a kind of practise. Think about the past, think about all the hell you've been through - get yourself really worked up - OK - now go outside - go to the beach and yell it out to the ocean (I was going to say a brick wall, but that's been done to death in other parts). Ok, so you've yelled it out to the ocean. The ocean, just continues on doing what it does, couldn't give a rats what you've said. Do the same to your Mum and you'll get the same result (bar the soothing sounds of the waves).

Ok, Jo, this was a mish-mash of a response to you.

Your mum IS NOT (may I repeat, IS NOT) going to change EVER.

Your sister has taken the brilliant stand of not going to the upcoming party - if I were you, I'd be doing the same. Get in touch with the sister who's b'day it is and give her your love, etc - but just say, for your own health sake, you simply cannot go as you feel your Mum will give you an earful (AGAIN) and that will not be good for you - Jo, for your own health sake.

Neil

I'm so over my mum

Girl_Anachronism — Tue, 24 Jun 2014 09:39:23 GMT

Hi Jo.

Rant on here. It is safe. Rave. We will listen. Or read, as it is a text based system.

I digress. I am glad you have an appointment with your psych on thursday. My gp appointment is on thursday. Lets get to thursday together, yeah?

I don't know how she can blame you either. But the important thing is that you don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. Your mother is mistaken and being entirely too harsh on you in all the worst ways.

What would she do? She probably still wouldn't understand. The sad truth is she may never understand. Telling her how you feel may give you some closure and make you feel better, but it won't be her reaction that gives you that closure, it is act of telling her. So don't even consider what she would do. It won't change your perspective.

I say this as I had a similar cathartic release to my own father over the phone a little while ago. I don't care what his reaction is. It isn't going to chanfe how I feel. I felt better for telling him how I felt, simple as that.

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 00:02:37 GMT

Hi GA

I went to see my GP this morning after calling him yesterday in a state of being emotional over my what my mum said about me.

As soon as I walked in I broke down, he is an amazing doctor letting me sit there and let out all my tears. He listens, he gives advice and he is so caring. He told me he is here to help me no matter how long it takes.

I couldn't stop crying, it felt like a huge relief to be able to do that.

You know GA, I think I have worked out my mum (finally) - she is dangerous, manipulative and controlling. From now on, when I see her (which won't be often) I will keep my distance from her, i will watch what i say to her because i think she lies a lot to make herself look good and me look bad.

I cried when I told my doctor today that i had expectations of a different mum, a caring mum who would love me no matter what - but i don't. and that expectation is diminishing very quickly as i can see what she is really like. and do you know what - it hurts, it hurts me so much to think that a mum, MY mum would be like this. because i;'m not like this to my kids.

Nothing will ever change with her, even if i did self harm "to show her" she still wouldn't change, and as my GP said to me this morning - "Jo why would you hurt yourself and have scars to prove to your mum" and she will never change.

He's right - I am going to be very careful of her from now, but the really sad bit is that my dad is caught in the middle.

GA, how is your morning going, I was thinking of you yesterday when you had your appt. I hope it went okay.

Take care

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 10:23:39 GMT

This afternoon I did a session at the hospital. After the session the psychologist asked me to stay back to have a chat. She asked how I was and I broke down, I knew it would happen - it was like a build up waiting to be somewhere to let it all out.

I told her about my mum having a fight with my sister and how she blames me and my sister for my dad's ill health. I started to cry and told her it's not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, the only wrong thing was that I was sexually abused as a child.

She said to me that she feels I need to stay away from my mum as much as possible as she is toxic. I agree, I don't trust my mum anymore, she has lied to my sister about me and always blames others for her troubles.

She also said that she feels I am living in a "fantasy" world with regards to my mum, like I have expectations of my mum changing and she wont. She said until I grieve and accept my mum won't change then I will be stuck and never get better. She said it will happen where there will be a time when I will get angry with my mum and be separated.

To me right now, I couldn't care less if I didn't speak to her again, I didn't for 4 yrs so another 4 wouldn't matter. I can make my own decisions, I don't need my mum to tell me what to do anymore.

And another thing, I found out tonight is that my mum is "waiting for me to get better with the depression" so she can interrogate me with questions about the sexual abuse. Well she can wait for a long time because I am not going to be interrogated and questioned by her or anyone for that matter. She had her chance 4 yrs ago when I had to go to her house, yet she yelled and yelled at me so I walked out.

I really don't trust my mum now, I am careful now of what I say to her because she lies and changes the stories around. So I am going to keep my distance.

It's just a shame that I won't see my dad often, but he has to be responsible for himself - I can't take the blame for him or how he is feeling. I am not to be blamed for any of that.

I'm so over my mum

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 04:11:21 GMT

Hi Jo,

Apologies for dropping the ball on this thread, my head has not been here lately.

Yes, to many of the sentiments in your last reply. Your therapist is very good and it sounds lime the sessions are doing you wonders. I wonder if I should look into it.

Yes your mother is toxic. Yes staying away from her will do you good. Yes do not allow her to interrogate you once the depression 'gets better' particularly as she hasn't helped you when you needed it.

Yes it is sad for your dad in his situation and that you can't have a functional relatio ship due to your mother. Yes it is his battle to fight that.

So yes. You are doing very well Jo, despite all that life throws at you and the amount of strength in your last post is plain for anyone to see.

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Sun, 29 Jun 2014 08:28:43 GMT

Thanks GA for being here for me.

As much as it hurts so so much, I will now keep my distance from my mum. Just wish I didn't have to keep my distance from my dad but unfortunately he is caught in the middle, and I can't do anything about it.

I think I need to learn how to "let go and accept" that she will never change, she will always be the same person - negative, toxic and manipulative.

I'm so over my mum

Jo3 — Sat, 05 Jul 2014 09:10:06 GMT

Hi everyone

Today has been one week since I last phoned my mum. I didn't ring her all week, waiting to see if she would ring me, but she didn't.

So this morning after breakfast I decided, ok I will call her and see how she reacts with me.

OMG - what a waste of a phone call. My dad answered the phone and was as his usual self, but as soon as mum came on the phone it was a different person. She was cold towards me, she said basically two words and then said oh well I better go and put the washing out. How much washing does she have - it's just the two of them!! She finished the call by saying - thanks for your call. She has never said that before, like I am a stranger; for god's sake I am her daughter and she is treating me like crap; in fact both me and my sister. Yet the other two siblings (oldest brother and youngest sister) are the "golden children" and it makes me so angry.

So I was left with the phone in my hand and wondering why do I bother? I was really angry with myself for making that phone call when all week i kept saying to myself no don't ring. And then I feel guilty and phone, it seems like a vicious cycle that i need to break.

Because she had a fight with my sister last week (and it's mum's fault yet again) she is cold towards me because she knows that I speak with my sister. I can't believe how a mum can be weird just because her two daughters are close and talk to each other. So now I am copping it because of this.

Sometimes I wish I had a different mum; a mum that would love me; put her arms around me and give me a big hug; tell me she is proud of me - but all I get and have ever got over the years was all negative.

I'm so over my mum

Girl_Anachronism — Sun, 06 Jul 2014 09:04:42 GMT

Hi Jo,

I am not feeling well right now, but I wanted you to know I am still listening.

After calling her frequently, keeping your distance is not going to be easy. So you called, no big deal. The important thing is you kept away for a week. Instead of taking these things she said, or didn't say, and turning them against you, turn them against her. Next time you get the urge to call her, remember what she said now.

You don't need to quit your mum cold turkey, if a bit at a time is your way of exiting the relationship, then it is what it is. There is no shame in that.