topic in sickness and in health. I do in Supporting family and friends

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Wed, 06 Aug 2014 10:25:41 GMT

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say yes and he never let me live it down!! Haha

we had started the most exciting time of our lives. Looking back there were many warning signs that had we known what we were looking at, we may have been able to work with. I noticed a change when we were in our honeymoon. Although I was shown love and felt love something seemed off. A few months later we were told the words "you have depression". I don't think I fully understood those words for a few more months and even now I dont understand completely. My husband, my best friend, has depression. Quite often I blame myself because I can't fix it. I am starting to realise that and it hurts. It hurts so much to watch and not be able to take it away. We are getting the help and support we need and have such a loving support team. But in the mean time I struggle to keep going at times and be the strong one I never thought I'd have to or could be. We had several friends get married around the same time as us and often I look on bitterly and wonder why it seems so much harder for us? Why I end up on my own because he is having a hard day? Why it is hard to smile sometimes. I forget that everyone has their own trials and that being bitter only divides people and pushing them away.

One thing this has shown me is the love I have for my husband and the undying love he has for me. Everyday he struggles and yet he keeps going. Sometimes he can't look at me and sometimes he can smile and give me a big hug. Whether it is a great day or a hard one I feel safe and secure in his arms. He can fix so much with those arms and he words "I love you. Everything is going to be fine". We are so close to being able to move forward and onwards in our life. Im so scared. Im so scared ill fail him and that I wont be able to cope. If I could say one thing to my wonderful man it would be this: I love you more than anything in this world. You complete my life. Keep fighting xx

in sickness and in health. I do

AGrace — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 06:08:50 GMT

Hi Rhiannon,

Caring for someone with a mental illness is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Thanks for being brave enough to do this for your husband, the world needs more people just like you.

I've learnt from my partner that being the carer doesn't always mean that you have to be the strong one. You too are allowed to experience challenges, emotions, and difficulties. It's important that as a carer you get support for you too.

It sounds like your husband has been fighting very bravely. I can tell you first hand that depression is such a tough illness to go through. Just because he is having really difficult episodes it doesn't mean that he has to be this way for the rest of his life.

You mentioned that if you could say something to your husband it would be...

Have you said these words to him yet? He might love to hear them from you.

What sort of professional support is your husband receiving?

AGrace

in sickness and in health. I do

geoff — Thu, 07 Aug 2014 15:03:20 GMT

dear Rhiannon, thanks so much for writing into us, and besides the circumstances it's truly a love letter and one of dedication.

Depression is such a debilitating illness, one that seems to change a persons demeanour, well it does because they become quite, sad, cry and want to sleep, it's certainly not their fault, and on a lot of occasions it's not their partners or spouses fault either.

Amber is correct the both of you need to get professional assistance, because there are ways that you will be able to help him, which a psych will be able to tell you.

One suggestion is that as much as you love each other, it's not a good idea to pin him down and keep asking him questions, because someone with depression hates this, why, well most of the time they have no answer for you, they simply don't know, and if they did know then curing this illness would be so much easier.

Both of you need to begin this journey by seeing your doctor.

I really hope that you can continue with your post and let us know. L Geoff. x

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Fri, 08 Aug 2014 01:16:15 GMT

Thankyou for reading my letter 🙂

Yea one of the hardest things is not to badger him with questions. I know he doesn't have the answers but because I don't have them myself I feel the need to put that on him. And then I break down and am not able to support him. I slowly learning that it is not my fault and that I can have off days too. I will try your suggestions. thankyou very much. we are booked in but it is just a waiting game til then

rhiannon

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Fri, 08 Aug 2014 01:18:25 GMT

Thankyou for replying to my post Grace 🙂

We are booked in to see people but separately. Is it worth seeing someone together as well?

Rhiannon

in sickness and in health. I do

Pixie15 — Fri, 08 Aug 2014 23:35:53 GMT

Hi Rhiannon,

It is sad that your husband is suffering depression. It might not be a life sentence though. He might just be overcome with the stress of marriage and living in a relationship.

If he is cooperating with getting help that is something to be grateful for.

From my experience although it might feel reassuring to be held in strong arms and told it will be alright it may not be without serious effort on your behalf. Try to maintain your own interests, financial independence and find out about the difference between care giving and care taking.

I am sorry if I seem particularly negative.

cheers,

Grateful.

in sickness and in health. I do

geoff — Sat, 09 Aug 2014 00:09:33 GMT

dear Rhiannon, thanks for getting back to us.

With regard to seeing someone together, there are pro's and con's to this, and I'm just thinking aloud here, in that it can't be forced, because if it is then he will have 'back up', but you can suggest it to him, and if he is 50/50 on the idea, that's a good start, because he hasn't ruled it out.

Once he has seen his counsellor or psych you should know how his mood is after seeing them, and if he has his back up by saying 'it's a waste of time', then he's not ready just yet to go together, but it can change.

I'm sorry but it can be a slow process, but I have hope for the both of you, so please keep us in touch as often as you like, it's somewhere to be able to vent or just have a chat. L Geoff. x

in sickness and in health. I do

SubduedBlues — Sat, 09 Aug 2014 08:06:23 GMT

I'm probably the wrong person to be commenting on how to keep a marriage together as mine has recently collapsed. We only managed to get through 24 years, couldn't even keep it together for the last few months to make the silver anniv.

Sometimes I think to myself that if my wife felt as you do Rhiannon, maybe our marriage would still be. Maybe I wouldn't be so far down the gurgler and the path back to normalcy wouldn't be so long. Your husband is a lucky man, I do so hope that you are letting him know how you feel about him -- particularly during the bad times.

I think we husbands don't need you to have any answers, we just need you to be there -- loneliness is torturous. We don't need you to know the right thing to say, we just need you to say something supportive -- silence kills us. Sometimes just laying our head upon your lap whilst you watch TV is enough; others may be a touch on the shoulder or a hug to let us know that you are thinking about us. (but then this just may be me being selfish -- thinking only of what I missed during the past many years of struggle).

Joint sessions -- I think it is all in the approach, the wording and the intent. At first I would probably be a bit taken aback if you asked if I wanted you to come to one of my sessions with the psych. But, on the other hand, I'd probably be more open to being invited to come along to one of yours; to be supportive to you.

I wonder: do you find your husbands depression depressing? R U OK?

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Sat, 09 Aug 2014 23:57:52 GMT

Hi there Grateful,

He has had it for about 6 years. I've been in his life for about 3. Looking back at that time I can see many symptoms but at the time I had no idea what I was looking at. Since being married, yes he has gotten steadily worse. I have tried to make life as easy as possible for him. He basically needed to go to work and come home. then I found out that doing nothing and contributing nothing can be as bad as doing everything. So He then had responsibilities. in the space of this year he hasnt been able to hold down a job for longer than 6 months. At this stage i wpuld rather him forcus on getting better rather than a job. But his forms of distraction whilst at home are buying car things $200 plus. on one wage its not possible for him to keep doing that. I have tried everything i can get my hands on to help. But I solwly am loosing the person i am. This is why I am going to see someone for myself. I dont really know who i am anymore and what I like to do. It will get there but its a slow process

Thankyou for replying Grateful for today x

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Sat, 09 Aug 2014 23:59:53 GMT

Thankyou for that Geoff,

Ok so maybe we will just focus on seeing people seperately for a while. I just wondered if it would benefit 🙂

Rhiannon x

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 00:10:32 GMT

Thankyou for the reply D'jected

I'm struggling at the moment. We seem to have one great day where he remembers life and then ten bad ones where he cant even look at me. It hurts more than I can write down. I tell him all the time how I feel and what he means to me and why I need him around. But it feels like it falls on deaf ears when things are rough in his mind. When he comes out of it he apologises and makes an effort around the house etc, but it doesnt seem to be lasting long these days. I try hard not to loose my cool but lately with no professional help seen as yet, I've run out of coping strategies and just yell and scream. I feel extremely terrible afterwards because all it does is make him feel worse and make me feel terrible for loosing it. I'm so scared i'm going to loose him to this disease, he is such a wonderful and fun loving guy. I miss that side, I dont see that side come out much right now. I dont really know who I am and I dont really know how to fix things. My only goal right now is for this marriage to work. We promised to love eachother forever (I understand every situation is different and I am in no way commenting on your own marriage. I have no idea what the circumstances were. i wish you both all the best in what you do!). But right now I feel like I'm doing all the work and I'm running out of steam. He went really down over the last few days. yesterday even suggested we should divorce. But knowing my husband the way I do, I know that he says that because he van see my hurt and pain and wants it to stop. The problem is that leaving wont fix it. A part of me will be missing. removing myself from the situation wont make me happy beuase hes not there with me.

Sorry for the long reply. You sound like a really lovely person and I'm so sorry you are going through rough times of your own. Marriage is hard enough without mental illness added on top of it. To have 24 years is amazing. (we have only been married over 1.5 years so I am still extremely new to this!)

Thankyou so much for your reply

Rhiannon x

in sickness and in health. I do

AGrace — Sun, 10 Aug 2014 06:48:21 GMT

Hi Rhiannon,

It sounds like you're still doing it pretty tough.

How long are you having to wait to see a therapist? Has your husband seen his GP lately? Is your husband quite open to treatment options? You mentioned that he's been battling for 6 years now, and things are getting worse not better, have you both considered the idea of him going into hospital so that you can both get some respite? Are you waiting for a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? I'm going to suggest that a Psychiatrist at this stage might be more useful to your husband, so he can get on the right medication, and so that he has access to hospital admission if he so chooses.

In regards to the therapy, I agree that individually would be best to begin with. But once he is seeing someone regularly, as his carer, I think you should have access to this person as well. As a carer I think you should be able to be involved in the treatment plan, as it will more than likely be you carrying it out with him.

You mentioned feeling like you have lost yourself. This is quite common for carers as so much attention is given to the person suffering. Do you have supportive friends and family? Is there an opportunity for you to start spending a bit more time with them? Are you able to look into starting a hobby or sport? It's important that you keep doing things for you, rather than missing out on opportunities because your husband doesn't feel up to them.

Well done so far for continuing to hang in there. We all understand how lonely it can feel.

AGrace

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 09:46:17 GMT

My husband is seeing a psychologist this saturday for the first time in about 8 months. We were recomended for him to see a psychiatrist but it took me over three weeks to get him a phone call to get an appoinment and I panicked. so he's got one at the end of the month for one of those.

He was admitted about two months ago i think it was? He was there for about a week, got a new lease on life, new job, really wanted to get on track, told his friends what was going on etc. however without doctor help on the outside his zeal has slowly faded due to those feelings still being there. During the time he was in hospital we were going to have a "break" for eachother, but i just couldnt keep away and we missed eachother too much. As hard as life is living with depression, it was empty without him.

I am going to see a psycologist at the end of the month for the first time. I'm a bit excited and nervous about it. I do have supportive family and friends which really helps. I need to refocus and let myself enjoy friends company but right now when I do go all I can think about is if my husband is ok. It has been a rough week which ended with him saying we should get a divorce so I am out of the situation. Today he is much better and can see clearer, but it was scary to hear those words from him. Today its as if that never happened.

This is a great website and I really appreciate the advice and responses. Thankyou so much x

in sickness and in health. I do

geoff — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 15:37:46 GMT

dear Rhiannon, one thing I can say is that he needs support from his psychologist to keep propping him up when he has his off days but more so when he falls backwards, and I'm not forgetting about the help and assistance which you have also provided for him.

It's also important that the same happens for you, because again on his bad days you will know how to handle the situation, which your psychologist can be able to advise you.

When we are in depression we can come out with the worst scenario, such as suggesting or even wanting a divorce, so please I know it upsets you but 'let it ride', that is it will be different the next day.

All the best for the sessions and please we would be interested to see how they go. L Geoff. x

in sickness and in health. I do

Snoman — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 00:48:18 GMT

Hi Rhiannon,

Reading your posts feels a lot like what I imagine it would have been like to read my wife's mind in recent times. It is definitely very difficult for our carers.

I also get your husband suggesting a divorce. Obviously he loves you and wants to spare you the pain. Unfortunately a mind with depression is not able to think rational thoughts all the time. Some thoughts are not just disturbing, but extremely irrational ideas on how to do "the best thing" for the ones we care about. Do your best to ignore the words by accepting that is just the depression speaking. Also give his black dog a serve and tell your husband that you are not prepared to lose him, and you will fight for him, even when he is too tired to fight himself.

Please continue to post here. It is a great place to share you feelings and thoughts to help you get a better perspective on them.

Glad to hear you are seeking some professional support too.

Snoman

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 07:32:38 GMT

I am starting to realise this. It was just the first time he had ever said that. He's said about having a break before but never said about divorce. I know he loves me but sometimes it's just as easy to forget when you have a few bad days. He has been much better last night and then again today. we ended up spending the day together which was really nice. I'm hoping it continues towards getting help on saturday. He even set up his own account on here which is awesome because I have really benifited from being able to voice my conserns etc on here too.

I will keep you posted on how it all goes 🙂

in sickness and in health. I do

AGrace — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 08:00:46 GMT

Hi Rhiannon,

Just wanted to say what a fantastic idea to get your husband to join the forums.

I'm glad you guys had a good day together today, I hope this continues for a while longer.

AGrace

in sickness and in health. I do

Wife24 — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 11:46:31 GMT

Hi grace.

He was really apprehensive about going but he really enjoyed it. Problem is some things are coming to the surface and I am having trouble dealing with them. It will take time

All things take time