topic Please help me understand what my girlfriend is feeling in Supporting family and friends

Please help me understand what my girlfriend is feeling

anythingforher — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 01:23:29 GMT

Hi my girlfriend and I have been together a couple of months now as a couple and had been friends for over a year before that.

She suffers from anxiety and depression and has serious issues with self-image and an eating disorder. Why I'm here is because I need to learn more about the way she feels and how I can support her as her illness is hurting our relationship and preventing it from progressing.

We get along really well when together but being around me makes her severely anxious and she can't stay with me for more than a few hours without having to leave. I don't know if it's something I'm doing that is causing her anxiety or whether it's something I can't control. She tells me that she feels guilty because she can't give me as much of herself as I deserve and it increases her anxiety. I'm not sure what causes her anxiety as she's not very good at expressing her feelings in a way I can understand. I need somebody who has or has had similar first-hand issues relating to anxiety who can help explain to me what she feels and how I can help.

I want to spend as much time with her as possible which is part of the problem. She tells me I am too pushy which makes her anxious but I’ve never been told this before from previous girlfriends. I need to understand how to be less pushy and make our time together as stress-free as possible. In saying that we don’t argue or anything like that, the stress is built up from her anxiety and insecurities. She tells me she feels as though she’s not good enough for me and that I will get bored of her. I love her with all my heart and tell her everyday except she doesn’t seem to believe me or thinks I’m trying to make her feel better. She describes herself as disgusting although I think she’s the most beautiful girl in the world (and she is very attractive). She tells me she feels fat and ugly even though she is slim and has a great body. She used to be overweight when she was younger which I think is the source of the problem.

Basically I need to understand the triggers make her feel anxious. Please help if this sounds like something you’ve experienced in a relationship as I feel I’m pushing her away even though all I’m trying to do is help. I was hoping for some insight as all I seem to do is make things worse which is the polar opposite of my intention. I don’t want to lose her which I fear I will if things don’t change soon.

Please help as I’m completely out of my depth!

Please help me understand what my girlfriend is feeling

white knight — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 10:07:54 GMT

Hi mate, welcome here and glad you posted however I'm not sure I can help much.

I had anxiety big time up until a couple of years ago. I'm 58yo. So a big chunk of my life was filled with anxious moments, often caused by the slightest thing. Symptoms included heart palpitations, short of breath, shaking and all leading to crying a lot. But I also have depressive illness so it gets complicated.

What I did to overcome was intentional and not so. Aging certainly helped as did planning my life for as little stress as possible like country living and ridding myself of toxic people. So there are many things that can help, you just need to sort through these possibilities with your girlfriend to come to soem answers.

What can you do? Be very patient. She is calling you "pushy" because she is unable to increase her pace of how she lives and carries out change from one thing to another eg. You suggest a drive to the country. She is in the mode of a day in the garden. You agree but she is not at your pace. She takes a while to alter her pace so her ability to get into the car is say....two hours. yours is 30 minutes. You get impatient and she claims you are "pushy".

Planning ahead will definitely help you guys. Plan things the night before.

Is she getting the right treatment? Is she getting therapy? If so can you go along. If you do, tell the therapist your love for your woman and that you cant convince her of such lone. Her therapist might be able to help.

Meditation will help too. Google Maharaji sunset. It's my favourite youtube clip from Prem Rawat. There are many others too of his that place you in a zone of appreciation for life. So calming.

Please help me understand what my girlfriend is feeling

geoff — Tue, 16 Sep 2014 00:13:29 GMT

dear AFH, sorry to abbreviate your username, but the situation you are both in is rather an awkward one for the both of you, because you are both struggling to understand how the other one is going to behave or what they are going to say.

So firstly what any person will say while they are anxious and/or depressed is not entirely what they mean, so you can't really argue with her, because what you do say will mean nothing to her, and even any words of affirmation won't be taken as such, so please don't be too upset by this.

There are times when this doesn't necessarily happen in extreme, but basically it's the general trend.

You have to realise that she is no different to how other people feel while depressed as all their thoughts are in a negative way, that's how they think, and I was no different, there doesn't seem to be anything positive to look forward, so just let her talk as much as she wants to, and it's not good to keep asking her questions because this is a no-no.

What I suggest you do is to click under 'resources' at the top of the page and order the 'printed material' from BB, it's very informative and costs you nothing as it explains so much about depression and anxiety, have a read yourself and then have it laying around so your girlfriend can have the chance to browse through it.

To answer your question 'what are the triggers', unfortunately it could be anything, the way you eat, the way you do the dishes or don't do them, what you bring home from the shopping, but you have to remember that it's not your fault and it's not her fault.

I would be very interested in following your post, however it may end up on page 2 or 3 and get lost, so I may lose track, but I hope not. Geoff.

One question you can ask her is to see if she wants to go and see her doctor, and by all means ask her if you can also go with her, the doctor will then set up a medicare plan where it entitles her to 10 free visits to a psychologist.