topic Upset and Distressed about my husband. in Supporting family and friends

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 23:37:07 GMT

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for only 9 months and I think he is depressed or has some sort of mental illness. I'm guessing the latter is the case as he is quite reactionary (in a negative, defensive way) to most things that I say (regardless of the topic). When we were engaged he called it off twice. Immediately after our honeymoon he got an illness that inflames the vestibular nerve in the middle ear - affecting balance and co-ordination. I supported him emotionally, financially and physically through this. There is no known cure and he was given exercises by the specialist to help him manage his illness. It 'goes away' over time. Then a couple of weeks later he was commencing on-line studies (that lasted for 2-3 months). By his own admission he isn't that proficient with a computer and I am so I helped him with his computer skills. It meant that I couldn't really leave home for too long as when I was away and then come back home he'd be stressing and crying (yes crying) about not being able to do the assignments and didn't achieve much on the computer as he forgot how to save/open a word document. I had shown him what he needed to know on a daily basis and he wrote the instructions down once but lost them. I, once again, supported him through this as well. It's only been since he hasn't been sick with the illness or not studying that I can start to have a 'normal' newlywed life with him. He doesn't see things that way. He forgets how I helped him with his course and when he was sick and he regularly complains about why we haven't made love since we got married. I gently explained to him that when he was sick with the illness (that lasted 3 months) he wasn't able to as the illness drained his energy and zest for life; secondly, when he was studying I felt more like a parent to him than a wife and I found it hard to see him literally crying about not having reached his word limit yet on an assignment. He was living breathing and eating his study and there was no time for me to tell him about my day. That was ok with me as I would tell my friends etc and given that he was so distressed about his studying and had little faith in his ability to pass (he passed all his assignments) I didn't want to stress him out any further by asking for help about something I may have needed help with.

I'm at the stage where I can't seem to speak to him in logical terms as he gets defensive, thinks everything is about him.

Please help.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 04:40:38 GMT

Does anyone have any advice?

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 14:05:28 GMT

dear Rip Curl, sorry that no one has replied back to you, and what I want to do is send this off to you, and then reply back to you. Geoff.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 14:45:42 GMT

OK I'm back as you may have wanted to check to see if anyone has replied.

The site has been busy and I'd love to reply to every comment but it's physically and mentally consuming, plus there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day, so I am very sorry that your post has been left alone.

Can I ask you if he was like this before your marriage, or when he had called it off twice, because it's just early days at the moment, and you seem to be struggling to cope.

Sexual relations especially in 'the honeymoon period' are full of lust and desire, although it's such a long time for me to remember, but when someone who has depression it just doesn't work, it's not comfortable, so it won't happen.

Your husband needs to see his doctor, and I don't know whether he is inclined to want to go, but you can let us know, maybe he may need some encouragement from you, however some times it's not easy.

I would also suggest that you see your doctor as well, just to be on the safe side.

I hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 00:24:56 GMT

Thanks Geoff for taking the time to respond to my post.

My husband was (to a certain extent) like this prior to marriage. It has only gotten 'full on' when we got married - he has high expectations of me and the marriage. He has always been greatly concerned about what any one in his side of the family think of him and tells me who I should talk to in social situations (ie I must always talk to his mum and not really bother with the person who is hosting the bbq etc). As an example his older brother helped do the electrical wiring in the kitchen for my husband (before we were engaged) and there were quite a few problems afterwards with the power points which we had to end up paying an electrician to come in and fix things. His brother has maintained registration of his electrician licence BUT the last time he was employed as an electrician was over 20 years ago. His full time job is as a police man who does shift work, has a wife and 3 kids (twin girls and one son - all under the age of 6) so he has enough on his plate with that. When we started having problems with the power points I made this comment 'perhaps we should use a fulltime electrician who has the time to come out and do these things without rushing it'. I did explain what I meant by that comment - his brother is not a full-time electrician and does it occasionally to help people (cash in hand) and it was a rushed job the day he did it as he had to go to work (night shift) but prior to that had to help look after his kids. Unfortunately for me my husband didn't see the comment that way and totally verbally abused me in public and accused me for bagging out his brother. One last example, my husband told me not to come to his late uncle's funeral (from his dad's side) as he was trying to tell me who I had to talk to at the funeral and to him that he can't tell me who to talk to at the funeral. A huge fight followed with him telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to come to the funeral. The excuse he gave to people was that I wasn't allowed to get time off work (which I was allowed to have time off work. He didn't even ask me (right at the beginning) if I wanted to go and assumed that I wouldn't even get time off work. He is very black and white and that his way/opinion is the right and only way to do something. He was quite good at compromise and working as a team earlier in our relationship. His mother doesn't help as she has not said anything nice about me.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 01:52:49 GMT

I'm really worried as my husband has threatened me with divorce and has stopped telling me things, talking to me, holding my hand, giving me hugs etc. He has just totally pulled 100% away. He is visiting his mum today and seeing a psychologist and I'm really anxious and scared as to go home today after work as I don't know what is going to happen. I feel so alone and helpless.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 14:24:48 GMT

dear Rip Curl, thanks for getting back to us, and please excuse me if I'm a bit late in replying because it's certainly not intentional.

From what I have read, this is not really a marriage, being told who to talk to and if you can go somewhere, that happened many years ago, but we don't live in a society like this any more.

Now today is sat. so please get back to me, I want to know that you are all right first.

I really worry for you now, because now his mum's involved, but I want to talk to you further, so please get back to me. L Geoff. x

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Tue, 27 Jan 2015 06:49:43 GMT

Hi Geoff, When I got picked up from work on the Friday my husband had said that after talking to his psych and to the priest (my husband is a practicing Catholic) that didn't want to be in the marriage anymore as some of his needs weren't being met and he proceeded to tell me how I want to live my life - he has no idea of how I want to live my life. His psychologist has asked him to ask questions of me, however, my Husband doesn't seem to grasp the concept that his psych is wanting him to ask me what I want out of the marriage instead of him telling me what I want. Some of the things he has done in the past he still thinks he is justified in doing for example not allowing/wanting me to go to his Uncles funeral and how what he thinks is appropriate social behaviour in relation to his mother and his siblings. I found out that his mum said that I was rude as I'm a quiet person. I've always acknowledged her however since she is allowed to be herself I should be allowed to be myself. I was extremely distressed and had to call my parents to come pick me up - bad move - as when they came over to pick me up they proceeded to ask my husband what this was all about. The short story is that Friday night was an extremely distressing time for me and I'm not doing to well. He has since quietened down and has realised that his behaviour was over-reactive and quite childish but I'm concerned that he may not understand the emotional damage he has done. Neither himself nor myself ended up leaving and are still living together. He and I are going to attend marriage counselling but I'm not sure if it will work as my issues are ones to do with his side of the family and how controlling, domineering I feel they are. However he believes that they can do no wrong. It's also hard for me when his priest tells him that certain things that haven't happened in our marriage yet (through no ones fault) are grounds for an annulment. My husband can be quite impressionable and so him being told these things by his priest without my husband realising that we've not had a 'normal' start to our marriage as we've had a lot of external stressers, worries me as I tend to see the bigger picture as he tends to focus on 'this isn't happening in our marriage so that his how it will always be and there is something drastically wrong'. My husband has 'admitted' that there has been a few misunderstandings and that the way we communicate needs to be worked on. I've been saying that!!!!

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 12:33:49 GMT

It is now Wednesday and I'm just wanting to advise that marriage counselling has been booked and the fact that this has been booked is really settling my husband down. He revealed tonight that he has told his mother about him packing his bags and wanting to leave last Friday night. He advises me that his mother isn't one to interfere - perhaps so will leave it for us to sort out however, as my husband is extremely impressionable in relation to her, he may make it a problem. That could make things worse. Regardless, both my parents and his mother are aware that we are about to embark on marriage counselling and I advised my husband that from now on I've chosen two of my closest friends to lean on as I don't want to involve anyone from my side of the family even further so that the next time my husband sees any of my side of the family he won't feel uncomfortable. My husband was pressuring me to admit to things that he feels that I should admit too. I responded by telling him that I'm going to use the marriage counselling to say how I feel and what my perception/s is/are of how things have been for me since I got married. I can't believe that he was pressuring me to admit fault to things! I understand the concept of forgiveness and saying sorry, however, to be told to admit to things that he already knows aren't my so called 'fault' and that things have been misunderstood, is just really strange.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do now, except for going to my gp and getting prescribed anti-anxiety medication as I've not been sleeping well or eating well since this all started 3 weeks ago. I've gotten professional counselling sessions a couple of times during this period,however, I'm struggling to cope between these counselling sessions. What I'm struggling with is the uncertainty and the destabilising effect this has had on my life. The fact that my husband has an extremely rigid way of looking at life means that he finds it difficult, almost impossible to have an open mind, to give me the benefit of the doubt, and to listen and reflective listen when I speak.

I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I'm constantly counselling him and that it is quite hard for me to have a 'normal' conversation with him without him taking it the wrong way, yelling at me, getting defensive etc. Depending on the topic he shoots first then asks questions later.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 14:32:54 GMT

dear Rip Curl, sorry I haven't replied but I saw your last comment yesterday just as I was logging off.

I can see how it's (not) going it only seems to be a 'one way street', everything the way your husband wants it to go.

I'm sorry to say this but he seems to be charmer when he has to be, such as to his mother and who ever else he has to be, plus he's trying to dominate what you have to think, a marriage shouldn't be like this, although I know that two people who are married have their ups and downs, this is bound to happen, because we can't agree on everything, but to be a charmer and dominate husband shouldn't be the way two people it's meant to be.

I wonder how much influence his mother has on him and what she's telling him to do.

The marriage is only 9 months old, so it's meant to be in it's honeymoon period, but it's not going like what normally happens in this time, and in this time you really shouldn't need anxiety medication which means that I am eginning to worry about you. L Geoff. x

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 06:27:50 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your post. I'm getting anti-anxiety medication this afternoon. I need to look after myself. I know that I've made mistakes etc however I'm at a loss at to why things have gotten to this stage.

I feel so alone, sick, nervous etc.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Thu, 29 Jan 2015 13:34:23 GMT

dear Rip Curl, yes you need to look after yourself so let's see how the medication goes, but don't leave the site, please keep in touch. L Geoff. x

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 12:12:50 GMT

Hi Geoff, Just wanting to update that a lot has happend in the past week. We were due to go marriage counselling on Tuesday night but I woke up with kidney stones and had to stay in hospital for two days in order to have a stent put in. I have to go back in 4 weeks or so time. On Thursday (the first full day after being discharged from hospital), my husband comes home to tell me that he was going to leave me. He packed up his bags and left. Since then I've had to recuperate with my stent put in and are being looked after by my parents at this stage. Also, I'm having to sort through my belongings to see what is mine and have had to start taking them back to my parents place. I'm so scared and my emotions are all over the place. My parents have been helping me out in practical ways. This all hurts as I still have feelings for my husband (even with everything that has gone on) and are scared as I don't know what the future has in store for me. I just hope that I'll be ok coming out the other side of this.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 00:41:09 GMT

Just wanting to add that it isn't a case of my husband just wanting some space. He couldn't keep up trying to be a husband. He felt 'torn' between wanting to put is side of the family first or putting me first. He must have been fighting with himself for a while. Either way he said that he wanted a separation and then a divorce so it is a no brainer for me to just start looking after myself. It's still hard though.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

geoff — Sat, 14 Feb 2015 01:28:03 GMT

dear Rip Curl, I haven't replied which I'm so sorry because I too have been in hospital having another hip replacement, they say third time lucky but hopefully this 4th time will do the trick.

I am concerned about your stent but this have been caused by all the trauma that you have had to endue, however I'm no doctor and shouldn't comment on this.

Can I be honest here as sometimes I try and be as subtle as possible, which is important but when a situation is glaring me straight in the face I have to come out and say how I feel.

Firstly he doesn't have any compassion towards you, as you have been in hospital and having treatment which is rather major, nor has he supported you in this short period of being married, and whether or not his family has contributed towards this is up for you to decide, but from my point of view they certainly haven't helped one bit.

Secondly when you both had counselling all his concern was about his family again and not appreciating what you have had to go through, and his bad manners by saying denying you any justice, and trying to get you to admit to doing things that you have had no reason in doing.

Love has a wide meaning, I still love my ex wife even though she divorced me and didn't stick by me, but that doesn't stop me from loving her, and now we are good fiends but could never live together again.

When we first meet someone it's lustful love, we adore them, and young love normally extends into a few years of being married, but this has been lacking in your marriage, and from what you have been saying it's your husband that hasn't made any effort at all to actually show that he adores you.

History tells us that when someone in a marriage whether it's the husband or the wife who has dominating parents the marriage fails, because that person is not strong enough to tell their parents to leave the both of you alone, so they are controlled by them, so this doesn't make a satisfactory marriage, because the parents say when you can have kids, move away or get another job, that is when it suits them and not you or your husband.

I want to recover and let him go, because if you try and keep him then there will be non stop problems, devastation and disappointment.

I would love to hear back from you and again I'm sorry that I haven't replied much earlier. L Geoff. x

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 03:30:19 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your post. It has helped my quite a lot. I think the other element in all this is that he is a practicing Catholic and has put his religion and his family before this marriage. I'm a lay Buddhist however I've always supported his religion. It upsets me that before he left, he accused me of not supporting his religion. All I can say is I went to the Catholic Marriage Tribunal and paid a lot of money so that he could get married in a Catholic Church - the decision to allow us to marry in the Catholic Church took the people back in Rome, Italy 8 months. I also stated before the priest/father (and signed a form that is done by the Catholic Church) that I would support my husband raising any children of ours as Catholic. I realise now that that is all he was prepared to raise them as. He came out and told me that he only wanted any possible kids of the marriage to be brought up as Catholics. This is contradictory to what he said around Christmas time where he told me that he would support me 'educating' our possible children in the Buddhist way of living. Buddhism isn't a religion, it's a way of life. Buddhism can work with ANY religion. However, he doesn't seem to think so. In any case I'm done with him and I feel that some of my behaviours during the marriage/relationship (even though I had good intentions at the time) probably stemmed from not feeling supported by him. For example, trying to encourage him to do some painting of the toilet and bathroom walls, with me. Firstly I didn't want to spend money paying someone to paint - this is quite expensive; and secondly I thought it would be a good DIY project that we could do that would give us a sense of accomplishment. He got really upset, accused me of controlling him (?) and I think it's because he doesn't have much confidence in himself when it comes to these things and also his family treat him as though he is a bit stupid when it comes to DIY. I never treated him as though he was stupid. I was trying to get him to try something (we were going to embark on this project together) and this is just one example of him resenting me for something, even though my intention was good.

Upset and Distressed about my husband.

Rip_Curl — Tue, 17 Feb 2015 05:26:30 GMT

Another thought occurred to me, I guess he never really supported me that well as he'd chop and change his mind and found it quite a challenge to think for himself and for the marriage. That caused me a great deal of anxiety and I'd not know from one day to the next if he was saying something that he had come up with or if it was something that someone in his side of the family was saying. Either way since he left I've found I don't have to deal with that anymore.