topic Re: Feeling at a loss in Supporting family and friends

Feeling at a loss

Unsurewhattodo — Wed, 22 Jul 2026 13:24:19 GMT

My 22 year old daughter lives at home with me. She has ADD and is Autism spectrum, but not officially diagnosed, as her Dr didnt feel she needed more labels. She suffers from depression, anxiety and use to have OCD. She had a terrible time with bullying at school and had to finish her schooling at home online. Her depression has been bad for past year, we managed to get her a psychologist who she liked and she trialled a few antidepressants and seemed to have found one that worked. ( Well I thought so) Her psychologist changed jobs which really upset my daughter and she stopped taking her medication as she said it made her numb. That was a few months ago. She has since been put on medical weed for anxiety, which seemed to help.

But for this past week her depression is really bad. When I try and talk to her she screams at me, then if I try and walk away she says I dont care. Im really at a loss as what to say. Ive got her a Drs appointment for this coming Monday. Im exhausted, as I have a benign brain tumour which causes me to have a headache all the time. I dont know what to say to her, she doesnt want me talking about drs, medication, etc.

It feels like I cant do or say anything right. I love my daughter more than anything, but its getting so bad that I want to get in car and just disappear. Of course I wouldnt do that though.

How do I support her? What do I say? I try and just listen but she yells at me anyway. Im really at a loss.

Re: Feeling at a loss

white knight — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 00:36:42 GMT

Hi, welcome

Yes, this is a challenging time for you.

I think by her being bullied that much that she had to do home schooling is telling us that her autism and ADD is severe. Some people with autism like myself are full functional (I also have bipolar, anxiety, depression and dysthymia) so I survived in the workplace for 40 years till57yo then had to retire.

I'd like to discuss her screaming at you this week. Sometimes we have to time our approach depending upon their mood and how happy they are at a given time. Sometimes we can introduce other methods of communication eg in this case you might print off the replies here and put it on her desk for her to read- THEN wait until she approaches you to discuss them. This waiting is designed to allow here to digest the information, do her own investigations and for her to feel a good time to talk. She's 22yo and this is the approach and our children grow up so quickly we forget that they are no longer teenagers.

A long time ago I wrote a post about "timing of motivation", it means that with depression we cant just motivate ourselves at any time, it needs to be when we are just coming good with a depressive cycle. Here it is-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

https://eatingdisorders.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Beyond-Blue-carers-booklet.pdf

While depressed it really isnt a time to mention medical issues. It's why she rebels so fast.

Essentially you need care for yourself, that can come in several ways. If you havent already, get activities away from the home, my wife goes to bingo, helps out at a local community centre etc. I have other activities also. It might be time to spend time away from home if she is able to carry out basic tasks. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and at her age she's likely to respond better with such absence.

Quality sleep is important for both of you. As we get older we might need afternoon naps for example. The other thing that comes to mind is that although she was bullied at school she might now be capable of a sport like basketball or volleyball. Perhaps mingle with other people that have similar issues. Group therapy might work but she'd need to do these things alone.

In your case I dont have all the answers, with lived experience we all miss out on a few things we havent gone through in life. My 36yo daughter has in the past gone through several mental health challenges like my own and that period was a challenge. It meant the best form of us helping her was to sit back and wait for her to bring up topics. She knew we were there ready to help whenever she rang us and that was even when we were in a supermarket and we had to go outside the store to listen to her crying and we were limited how we could help her... but listening was the key. It's tempting to try to control the topics as a parent and as a carer, but to get the balance right we are better off allowing them some control over their mental health decisions. A good technique is to ask them questions eg "so you arent feeling good, you're depressed, how are you going to tackle that today". Rather than "well I better make a Dr appointment".

Taking a step back is a tough thing for me to ask, it has nothing to do with how wonderful a mother you are sweet lady.

"Sometimes the biggest challenge is to leave our adult children with the belief they came up with a solution to their own problem when in fact we did...."

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Re: Feeling at a loss

Unsurewhattodo — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 01:56:30 GMT

Thank you Tony. She has always had difficulties keeping friendships for long periods of time. She does go out regularly, unfortunately we live around 2 hours from the city and she doesnt drive, she has her learners but is too anxious to go further than that. I do drive her wherever she needs to go.

She stopped ADD medication when she was 19 and we are trying to get her back on it, but as its been three years she has to be disagnosed again, which I think is ridiculous considering all her medical records.

I spoke to her last night and apologised, I told her that I realise she needs me just to listen and not try and fix. She agreed.

I would like her to consider TMS for treatment, we will discuss with Dr next week.

Im also dealing with caring for my elderly mother. So I feel like I have it coming for me at every angle.

My mum doesnt live with us though.

But its got that way that I dread going inside my house and will sit in my car for ages. I do try and take care of myself.

My daughters father and I have been apart since she was 2. Hes very family obsessed (his family, mother, sisters) not his daughter. He can go months without contacting our daughter even though his mum lives in our town and he visits her every second week. Ive tried to get through to him about how this makes our daughter feel, but he will just give her expensive gifts and think that is ok. He also does not believe in mental illness. And when she tries to talk to him about it he just yells at her.

So I am her only support. I think maybe group therapy would be good.

Or connecting with people her own age with ADD and on spectrum. She is high functioning too.

I have suggested this before but she was a bit iffy about it and doesnt want to socialise on line, so I will look into any actual in person groups/activities.

Re: Feeling at a loss

white knight — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 09:01:51 GMT

Great progress. High functioning often has excess energy or need to be creative.

Not much point in her dad being educated in mental illness, they just don't get it..

Have you looked into home help, NDIS for your mum?

Its brave to apologise, she'd appreciate that. Sometimes a 3rd person can shine a light on an issue so I'm happy you've made progress.

Finally, we looked after my MIL in 2021 and her last 8 weeks were in aged care. For years she rejected the concept but after one week she fell in love with it.

TonyWK

Re: Feeling at a loss

trying_my_best — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 11:25:28 GMT

Hi @Unsurewhattodo

What you are doing is truely commendable! Honestly, as much as many says they would do it, no one understands how tiring it can be to support a loved one who struggles to help themselves! I have been there. For me it wasn’t a relative but a friend I loved like a sister.

I just wanted to pop into this post to let you know you are not alone, and I can understand your pain. I truely hope that things start to turn around for you both.

wishing you the best 🫶

Re: Feeling at a loss

Unsurewhattodo — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 11:59:08 GMT

Thank you so much, it means so much to me to have these replies.

Re: Feeling at a loss

Unsurewhattodo — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 12:06:25 GMT

My mum unfortunately has narcissitic tendencies and hypochondria. She is more than capable of living alone, but relies on me for everything else. We fo get help for her, as in cleaner etc. I would never begrudge my mother anything. But its nothing for her to call me over ten times a day, plus need to know where I am at all times. I feel like Im a teen, not a 55 year old woman. She doesnt treat my other siblings this way. Unfortunately they all live a distance from us. So yes its hard and I know I need to place boundaries with her, but Im not confrontational and she can get quite vindictive if I do try.

I just get overwhelmed with it all, especially when im in pain 24/7.

Re: Feeling at a loss

white knight — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 14:08:04 GMT

It might be time to be mote elusive. If you're about to have a nap dont answer the phone. That's putting yourself first. Or turn it off.

A therapist once said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world "? He was saying- look after yourself!

If you google- Queen witch hermit waif, you'll read the 4 characters of a controlling person. In particular in your case, the queen.

If your mental heath deteriates the consequences can be high dont you think?

TonyWK