topic Not sure what to do..... in Supporting family and friends

Not sure what to do.....

JBat — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 01:24:24 GMT

Hi there,

My partner and I have been together for 10 yrs and have two beautiful daughters. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for many years but generally have it under control with medication.

The reason I am on here?? I am thinking of leaving my partner as I think he has an anxiety problem that leads to major mood swings, anger, frustration and negativity. Sometimes, he agrees there is a problem and other times he says it's in my head and I am just soft. We have been going to relationship counselling and counselling separately for 8 years on and off. Am I hitting my head against a brick wall?

I know you may think why am I on here? Shouldn't I be on a relationship advice forum? I'm on here as I honestly think there is an anxiety component to his attitude, possibly even a form of depression. Everything is such an effort for him and annoys him. How do I know if there is a problem (that can be fixed) or this is just him? The counselor said it takes time to learn new behaviour's and I understand that and agree with her but he gets better for a couple of weeks and then becomes difficult again. D

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you

Not sure what to do.....

CrashCoyote — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 10:00:05 GMT

Hi JBat,

I have no advice for you that could possibly replace the insight your counsellors would have.

I can tell you that my last long term relationship (7 yrs) was with a divorced woman with three kids. I was 43, she 36. She really loved me and I her. She suffers anxiety and after about three years it just overwhelmed her. I treated her like a queen but her anxiety stemmed from childhood issues from a controlling father and, although she only ever alluded to it, possible sexual assault by one of her brothers. In any case, whenever I wanted things to move forward, towards more commitment, her anxiety increased and she said she felt like she was suffocating.

We did everything together as a couple and a family except even after seven years I still was not living with her and usually only spent one or two nights a week there. I began to pile on pressure as I grew increasingly frustrated with the stagnation of our relationship and she began to grow increasingly hostile and was unhappy in the relationship.

We are both intelligent, well educated and with good jobs. I have no reason to think she was interested in anyone else. We tried counselling although I was more motivated with it. I think it just got too difficult and in the end we split up.

I am telling you this because it was my experience with anxiety. I found it to be a consuming illness for her and to watch her struggle with our relationship that in many ways she wanted whilst fighting with the anxiety that was too strong for her made me feel incredibly helpless.

My hope for you is that you find a path through all this. There is some excellent material on this site about anxiety. I still don't really understand anxiety but I know what it looks like.

Kind regards, John.

Not sure what to do.....

geoff — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 21:31:05 GMT

dear JBat, welcome to the site and thanks so much for posting your comment, and can I say that this site deals in any type of depression whether it refers to you only or whether it involves a relationship, it all means the same.

A well trained and experienced counsellor does have the insight that we don't have, but what we have been through ourselves will be able to offer some suggestions and advice which could help you as well, not that I want to take anything away from what John has said because he's right.

I can see a problem here and that's you're been having counselling for 8 years out of the 10 year relationship which does concern me, because it doesn't appear to be working, and yes I would think that you are 'hitting your head against a brick wall'.

So does this mean that you take your 2 girls with you and move on, or he moves out, well that depends on your living arrangements and what has been organised.

By saying this I'm not suggesting that this should be done, that's your decision, and how your girls feel.

I do understand that ' it takes time to learn new behaviour', however all the circumstances have to be heading in the right direction, and I'm not too sure they are here.

One concern is for your girls to be brought up in a stable environment, and before I am cut down here, we all know that any relationship does have their ups and downs, but in between this there is loving and caring environment, with a solid stable base.

Sure we can argue and fight but then we make up, and when we are unable to make amends then there is a problem.

If your girls are afraid and frightened of him when he argues has major mood swings, anger, frustration and negativity, then an obvious decision has to be made.

Look forward to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

Not sure what to do.....

CrashCoyote — Sun, 22 Feb 2015 12:27:21 GMT

Hi JBat,

I was just wondering how you are going?

Kind regards, John.