topic Re: Upset and confused in Supporting family and friends

Upset and confused

Maxey — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 05:24:45 GMT

My partner is suffering with depression. We’ve had all the discussions around his guilt of feeling like a burden, not coping with responsibilities and not having any happiness in any area of his life.

I’m committed to helping him through this and have discussed the support I might need from my family and friends as I understand the toll it will take on us.

With respect please don’t tell me to pack up and leave him. I’m just looking for some strength and to hear experiences on how to get through the roller coaster of emotions I deal with daily.

Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...

Sophie_M — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 05:38:14 GMT

Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear about the problems your partner is having. We can hear you’re a really caring partner and your concerns come from such a loving and supportive place, but it’s also a difficult and scary time. I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you:

We’re really glad you mentioned looking after your own boundaries, and your own wellbeing. If you’d like any more ideas or information on this, feel free to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk. If you’re ever concerned about their safety, it’s important to know that you can call 000 as this is an emergency. Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing and offering your support here on the forums, so we hope you can be kind to yourself also through this time. Kind regards, Sophie M

Re: Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...

Maxey — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 06:40:41 GMT

Thank you for your reply Sophie I appreciate it so much, it’s the inconsistency in the days that I struggle with the most, usual days are emotionless then there are small windows when he communicates freely before shutting down again and withdrawing. It’s hard not to take things personally and hurts a lot.

Re: Upset and confused

white knight — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 06:42:32 GMT

Hi, welcome

In my lived experience world I've suffered enormous guilt and worry. An environment in our childhood years of "never being good enough" was certainly to blame. So unravelling the core of that problem via professional help is the way to go. However not everyone is successful in that quest or can afford it, so we rely upon our own devices as an individual and make allowances as a couple.

Eg regardless of correct meds and help my wife makes allowances for my near daily bipolar grumpiness.

The following threads can assist your partner, just google them and read the first post of each.

Beyondblue guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue worry worry worry

Beyondblue the timing of motivation

Beyondblue changing mindsets

Beyondblue the best praise you'll ever get

Each one has its topic and I'd be interested in your thoughts. Reply anytime

TonyWK

Share your story

Maxey — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 07:27:44 GMT

I am committed to supporting my partner who has depression. He has asked for time (not separation) to work through it as this is how he has dealt with it in the past. He has said he has no enjoyment in anything in his life at the moment.

I reach out and verbalise my love and care for him without trying to be too pushy and he acknowledges my patience though I am struggling because our life is currently far removed from what it was.
He has highly emotional moments and begins to share his feelings and I feel like we are making progress, then just like that switches back off and dissociates again. When he withdraws and internalises I am heartbroken to see him this way, but he is a stoic man who feels he is a burden while he is feeling this way so I don’t let him see how it is affecting me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I doing the right thing by just letting him know he is loved? Should I and how do I continue to reach out?

Re: Share your story

Croix — Thu, 27 Apr 2023 12:34:55 GMT

Dear Maxey~

I've read your other thread abut supporting your partner and am very sorry you have to face this, it is upsetting, very worrying and there seems ot be no road map to guide you as to what's best to do

You do say you are discussing your needs with your family, which is excellent as it is easy to assume one is a bottomless well of strength and support for a person one loves, however it's not the case - you are human and need support for yourself

You asked if you are doing the right things, you can judge for yourself from the below

When my depression was really bad it filled my mind with thoughts of hopelessness and self-blame. I thought they were my thoughts, but in fact they were symptoms of the condition. Because I thought it was me I felt I was a burden on those that cared

It did a couple of other things too. Because my mind was already overflowing I had no capacity to cope with others - even if they were gentle and kind. I wanted to withdrawal, be by myself and not have to deal with more

I was inconsistent, something my partner found very hard to understand or deal with, where one time a kind word would be accepted, other times it would be met with anger and resentment

Because I felt it was me, and I was a burden, at times I'd feel guilty and try and explain, other times make a cuppa for my partner, but it did not last. I could not 'will myself' better

I do know that no matter how angry I got or how much I withdrew my partner's presence and love made a huge difference (though she did not know it at the time) and I only partly realized it then

See part 2

Re: Share your story

Croix — Thu, 27 Apr 2023 12:41:09 GMT

Part 2

My improvement came when I had competent medical help including therapy and medication. I'd made the mistake of not seeking assistance for a long time, and that made things harder to treat, but now I'm a different person, back loving and enjoying being close, and capable again

I still take the meds, I was lucky and found a type and dosage that worked without side effects

Apart from what you are doing now may I suggest you encourage your partner to seek medical assistance?

The only other thing to say is it is not you, it is not personal, it is the illness

If you would like to talk more you'd be welcome

Croix

Can I get a pep talk now please

Maxey — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:16:04 GMT

Hey just reaching out for a quick pep talk. My partner is depressed, awaiting an appointment this week. I asked him if he wanted me to visit tonight, he ignored my question but has maintained contact. Any thoughts on how to handle or manage my feelings about this would be great fully appreciated.

Re: Share your story

Maxey — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 10:34:32 GMT

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, it has come at a really low time for me.

I have identified a pattern with him, during the day he is functioning on auto pilot including sending our regular text catch ups etc. it’s like he shuts down after everyone has eaten dinner and he’s finished all his jobs for the day. He has a high pressured job and is a single dad (there’s a lot going on).

Sometimes I feel like he is breaking up with me three times as day ranging from telling me he loves me to emotionless responses or none at all only to pop up out of no where with love hearts and emojis and glimpses of how things usually are.

He has regular emotional breakdowns to me and then will literally turn off like it never happened.

I approached the conversation about professional help this week. He has said he made an appointment. The lead up to discussing it caused me so much anxiety I was physically ill.

He is reaching it to me intermittently by text tonight, though he ignored my question when I asked if he wanted me to visit him.

He sways between accepting my support and rejecting it saying I’m too much, but always maintains he loves me.

I’m rambling I know. I’m sad for him and I miss us.

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Ggrand — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:35:06 GMT

Hello Dear Maxey,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I struggle with depression and their are times when I just want to be alone, not wanting anyone see me so down…your beautiful partner is unwell and might just need a bit of space, but still able to talk to you…depression, does horrible things to our thinking…please be very gentle on you partner and let them know that you are there for them…whether it’s just to listen, be a shoulder for them to cry on or just sit quietly with them….showing you care about them and what they are going through…is one of the most loving, caring and beautiful things you can do for them….

My kindest thoughts Dear Maxey..

Grandy…

Re: Share your story

Maxey — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:37:24 GMT

Sorry, final note. I’ve read your reply over several times. It sounds so familiar to me. It’s strange comfort to be reminded that this is not me, unfortunately the reassurance doesn’t last long and I’m beginning feel I’m a burden to my support network also.

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

smallwolf — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:40:05 GMT

hello Maxey and welcome.

I can understand how difficult and overwhelming it can be to have a partner who is struggling with depression. (Well, on my home, I'm the one with depression, and thinking about the wife.) It's great that you are being supportive and asking if your partner wants you to visit. It's also understandable that it can be challenging when they don't respond directly.

So... speaking from my side, sometimes depression can affect a person's ability to communicate and make decisions, so it's not intentional. And it sounds like your partner is still maintaining contact with you, which is a positive sign.

In terms of managing your own feelings, it's important to prioritize your own self-care and emotional wellbeing. Make sure to take time for yourself to do things that make you feel happy and relaxed, such as spending time with friends or engaging in a favorite hobby. It can also be helpful to educate yourself about depression and the resources available for both you and your partner - if you have not done so already. 🙂

Continue to be there for your partner and offer your support, even if they are not able to respond in the way you would like. Listening if you want to chat some more.

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Maxey — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 09:53:50 GMT

Hi Grandy

Thanks you so much for replying so quickly. I love him so much and it’s hard to see the person I know struggling so internally and I understand what it will be doing to him.

I appreciate the support and advice, I just want to be able to remain strong and resilient to be here without being an additional burden.

Om very grateful for your insight, I read and research constantly and have a great support network but feel like a burden to them now also.

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Maxey — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 10:09:01 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply. I am self employed with high functioning anxiety and receiving hypnotherapy and psychotherapy for myself. I know, it’s a lot. In the past he has supported me through different stages, I was unaware he experienced depression until now as this is his first episode in our relationship and I missed all the signs because I was in my own head.

We have discussed him seeking help (which he has done previously).

I’m so open and forward I’ve had to learn to hugely water down my approach and just keep showing love and support without being over bearing. It’s a daily battle with my head to not overthink each non-response (or response).

I appreciate your reply so much. I read and study a lot (almost obsessively due to my mindset), but to hear your thoughts gives a very good insight to me. Thank you

Re: Share your story

Croix — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 12:11:15 GMT

Dear Maxey~

Ramble on, that's fine 🙂

I can understand the worry before you're asking him about getting assistance, I'm glad you got a positive answer.

As for the rest, the inconsistencies going between cold and warm, and sometimes talkng about his feelings then sometimes acting as if he never did.

Very frustrating and confusing for you , but it appears very much like I was, and a lot of the time I was not even really aware of why I did things. In fact I even got to the stage I did not even know if I was capable of love - fortunately love came back as I improved. It sounds like at least part of the time he realises you love him and tries to respond.

I hope that appointment is the start of the journey back for him as it was for me.

Sing out anytime about anything - you'll be welcome

Croix

Setting Boundaries

Maxey — Mon, 01 May 2023 02:54:54 GMT

Is there a way to set boundaries with my partner who is depressed?

My partner has moments where he is showing out of character disrespect towards me, and while I’m doing my best in all other aspects to be supportive and I understand that this is part of the roller coaster as he goes through his treatment, the lack of empathy is very hurtful. We have conversations every couple of weeks about where he is at and I am careful as he dissociates quickly with too much chat.

I am the only person who he has talked about his struggle, so he has a full time charade around everyone else including workmates, so when he behaves this way I feel angry and frustrated.

Is this something I am able to address with him, or should I bank it to discuss with my own support network?

Re: Upset and confused

jaz28 — Tue, 02 May 2023 21:13:41 GMT

Hi Maxey,

Everyone else has given some great advice, but I just wanted to jump on here and wish you my best. I hope you are coping okay and that your partner is seeking professional help. You seem like a great, supportive partner and that is the best thing you can be for him right now.

Stay strong,

Jaz xx

Re: Upset and confused

white knight — Wed, 03 May 2023 00:30:27 GMT

Hi Maxie

I hope things have improved.

Your partner, as you say, has a lot going on. As a one time separated dad from his young children his grief of losing his full time parenthood could be compounding his depression.

So far you've had 6 or so members here offer various replies and having just read them, plus your desire to do research, I recommend you read them all again because the answers to your situation lies within imo.

All the best.

TonyWK

Re: Upset and confused

Maxey — Wed, 03 May 2023 09:25:33 GMT

Hey again thanks for staying in touch.

Among other things, my anxiety causes me to obsess and google answers to questions along with creating ten worst case scenarios for everything so re-reading responses helps me a lot when my head is too full of noise.

My love and care for him makes me take a breath and ask for advice here and engage with others. It’s strange the wealth of advice we are able to share but not apply to ourselves.

I’ve had some intense therapy this week and am over exhausted (three hours in total) with a gp appointment to come.

Re: Upset and confused

Maxey — Wed, 03 May 2023 09:28:33 GMT

Hey Jaz

Appreciate your message so much. First day today so I’m focusing on feeling very grateful for the resources available xxxx

topic Re: Upset and confused in Supporting family and friends

Upset and confused

Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...

Re: Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...

Re: Upset and confused

Share your story

Re: Share your story

Re: Share your story

Can I get a pep talk now please

Re: Share your story

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Re: Share your story

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Re: Can I get a pep talk now please

Re: Share your story

Setting Boundaries

Re: Upset and confused

Re: Upset and confused

Re: Upset and confused

Re: Upset and confused

Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...

Re: Hi Maxey, Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re...