topic New to forum: desperate to help my husband in Supporting family and friends

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Spunks_wife — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 07:04:23 GMT

Hi everyone,

As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried starting 2 businesses that he is very qualified in, one has folded and the latest is about to as it is costing us and as I only work school terms, the pressure financially is great. My husband, who was a single dad with sole custody when we met, has been abandoned in the most awful of ways by his daughter, and she has proceeded to bad-mouth him to anyone who will listen, destroying any relationship he has had with family and friends. His daughter was his life, he gave everything in the divorce to his ex to keep his daughter and now she is doing her best to destroy him emotionally. His blood pressure is on the rise again, he is sleeping really long hours and his anxiety levels are at an all time high. His memory is getting worse, and today I received a text when his only stable students cancelled this weeks classes, that he felt like a failure 😞 I am studying full-time and working as many hours as I can to support us, but I am tired...I get in trouble when I remind him of conversations (and I know he doesn't mean it) but it's so hard...all the time...and getting worse. What do I do? I love him so much, and want him to find peace in himself, but he is so angry, depressed, anxious, physically breaking things in anger...suggestions and advice please...I don't know how to help and I want to so much...thanks for reading...

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

AGrace — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 00:24:52 GMT

Hi Spunks_wife,

Firstly I wanted to say welcome to the forums. Your post speaks volumes in the amount of love and care that you have for your husband. He is very lucky to have you, and it's incredible that you are reaching out for support for both yourself and on his behalf.

I can imagine it must be upsetting to see him feeling and behaving the way he is. I can also imagine how demotivating and soul crushing it must be for him to be consistently coming up against such obstacles.

Are you able to put your studies on hold for a period of time so that you can catch your breath and take some time to work on you, him, the financial situation, and the pressures on your relationship?

Are you in contact with his daughter at all, or have you tried to contact her? She may just need some time and space. Is your husband still in contact with his ex-wife? Has he spoken to her about their daughter? It's not nice at all what she is doing, and i can only hope that those who know your husband well enough know that he isn't any of the things she says. Do you know if your husband was also getting angry toward his daughter at any point? Does she know/understand the situation her father is in?

Regarding the business have you both been able to seek some financial advise about this? Is your husband still looking for work outside of the business?

Is he still seeing a Dr post the TIAs? Have you or he spoken with a GP about how he is feeling/behaving? I would definitely suggest that this would be a good first step. If he is unwilling to go at this point, then I would suggest at least you do so that you can talk through some of your concerns. It could be an idea to let him know that you are struggling emotionally and that you would like to see a Dr together, and that way at the same time he can have his blood pressure etc checked. Does he take medication for this? The GP should also be able to recommend a counsellor that you both can see. It sounds like you have a number of concerns that a counsellor would be able to help you tackle one at a time so that they are less overwhelming.

I know what memory loss is like, and it can be extremely frustrating. One of the things my partner does with me is to assume I don't recall conversations or experiences. It takes away a lot of the "Don't you remember I told you...", which helps a bit. It takes a bit of patience on his behalf, but it's easier long term.

Sorry, lots of questions, but I do hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Neil_1 — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 02:11:36 GMT

Dear Spunks wife

Thank you for coming to here to provide your post and also I’d like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

This situation with your husband is sounding very full on – not only for him, but also for yourself.

With regard to his mini-strokes that he’s had and also his condition of short-term memory loss, I’m assuming that he’s been to see a GP on several occasions?? But judging by what you’ve written it doesn’t seem like he’s been to see a GP with regard to the mental stress issues that appear to be building up within him.

I think if he can make an appointment to go see a GP with regard to this, this could very well be a good and positive step in the right direction. I hope that he is “ok” to going along to get it assessed; and perhaps what might be of use (or a method of swaying him to go) would be if you could go along and be with him at the time. Just a suggestion.

The daughter situation sounds absolutely horrible and I can’t imagine how gutted he must be feeling over this – and not to mention that she has gone and sabotaged relationships with his family and friends.

But surely there must be one or two of them who would HAVE to be willing to listen to the other side (your husband’s side of things); cause with situations like this, there are always two sides. It would amaze me if they’ve taken the word of the daughter on all of this without seeking out your husband’s version of the story.

I hope that my post has helped, even in a small way – and I do hope that you can write back to us again.

Kind regards

Neil

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

white knight — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 05:42:45 GMT

Hi Spunks wife,

I have nothing more to add except...he is very very lucky to have you. Keep usposted. We are listening. Take care.

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

geoff — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 00:14:30 GMT

dear Spunk, unfortunately in depression when something goes wrong there is so much that just tags along making it even worse for those concerned, and this is what is happening with you and your husband.

Amber and Neil have said most of what needs to be said, but I wonder why his daughter has suddenly changed on him, because it puts in an awkward situation, trying desperately to help him.

I know that after having strokes it's very possible for that person to lose memory, but will strongly deny it, and offering a comment which they believe they have said before, and maybe this is right or maybe it's not, but I also know that it annoys them.

I hope that you can do what Amber and Neil have suggested to you, but please keep in contact with us. L Geoff. x

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Spunks_wife — Sat, 09 May 2015 12:57:33 GMT

Thankyou for your reply...I'm sorry I've not responded sooner...life has been difficult...my husbands depression and anxiety has worsened, and I find we are having silly arguments over nothing, simply because I respond badly to something he says or does...I am a quiet person, and struggle with his temper and destructive behaviour when his anxiety is extreme...I know it's not directed at me, but when I go quiet he sees it as I think it is aimed at me, when really, I just don't know how to react...he has seen numerous doctors and specialist over the years, with no defining diagnosis offered other than cfs, metabolic syndrome, pre-diabetic and high blood pressure. His psychologist on Friday sent us back to the gp for medication as my hubby had an extreme reaction to a situation in his office the fortnight before...so now, he wants him medicated before he will see him again 😕. The situation with his daughter has worsened as well, with it seemingly a plan all along if his ex wife and daughter to discredit him and destroy his totally...such disrespect from her has built a wall so high around him, it's so sad...she continues to bad mouth him, and I have been a part of their lives gif 5 years now and not once seen anything other than a totally devoted dad who gave her everything, even a trip to Paris. She told child support that she left here in fear of her fathers reaction and that he was violent...not true and he is broken...I guess his anxiety and depression has escalated since her betrayal...she was his life...he lost everything to keep her...my husband is not a violent man, but the anger inside him is scary at times,,,I know he would never aim it at me but I have to be honest and say I don't know what to do when he is breaking things or yelling...I know no one has the answers, but I love him beyond words, and wish I could magically fix his broken soul....

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Pixie15 — Sun, 10 May 2015 02:02:23 GMT

Hi Spunks_wife,

I am a little concerned by what you have written in your posts. You are supporting your partner financially, his psychologist is afraid to be alone in a room with him and his daughter and ex-wife seem to agree with that opinion. You say he is not violent but you are scared when he is breaking things and yelling. I am wondering if it might be a good idea to see a therapist yourself to work out where you are at with this relationship.

You need to take care of yourself. From what you have written it does not seem that your partner can be relied on to look out for your welfare.

Sorry if this seems harsh.

Pixie.

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Spunks_wife — Wed, 13 May 2015 03:21:24 GMT

Harsh and not helpful...thanks

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

JessF — Wed, 13 May 2015 04:07:37 GMT

Hello Spunks wife, I am sorry that you feel that what Pixie said was harsh, I am afraid you will think the same about me because I agree with every word she has written. You have received some lovely supportive replies from people here who are very concerned for your welfare, based on what you have told us about your husband, who appears to be dangerously unwell.

You have asked for our suggestions and advice. Well, here is mine... I feel you may be lashing out here because you are unable to at home, and perhaps you have heard things that you don't want to. You have said that you wish you could "magically fix his broken soul"... this says to me that you don't seem ready to accept the reality of the situation. None of us can be magically fixed, and sometimes there comes a time where you have to put your own welfare first in order to give that person any chance of recovering without destroying everything around them.

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Pixie15 — Thu, 14 May 2015 10:50:48 GMT

Hi Spunks_wife,

I am sorry if I offended you. I am not very good with the sugar coating. One other thing I possibly should have added though is that helping yourself does not mean you stop trying to help your partner. If your partner is relying on you in negative ways then withdrawing your support may be the best thing that you can do to help their recovery. If you saw a therapist they would be able to help you with helping him.

I really do wish the best for you both.

Thanks,

Pixie.

New to forum: desperate to help my husband

Spunks_wife — Mon, 20 Jun 2016 15:02:32 GMT

I know it's been a long time since I posted my plea...but life has become increasingly difficult and my strategies for coping are not quite meeting my needs...with regards to your comment about two-sides to a story I couldn't agree more...however, his family and now my children believe his daughter's lies and now my own daughters won't visit to stay with me unless I leave him...they tell me that his daughter has told them exactly what he is like and they pray he is not testing me that way! I've lost my children now because of his daughters vindictive behaviour...she wants to end my marriage and reunite her parents...and she doesn't care who she destroys along the way...my soul and heart are so empty...my husband is now medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist...but he is also sad that no one in his family supports him...they sit on the fence and embrace his daughter and her accusations...which in turn, fuels his feelings of abandonment...honestly, it's all too much...I just don't understand the meaning of family anymore 😢