topic How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression? in Supporting family and friends

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 23:31:21 GMT

My husband has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The depression started about mid year, during the second lockdown (we live in Melbourne and are both teachers).

We have been together for nearly 22 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful boys. We bought a house 18 months ago and we were very happy. I was very happy. Then 2020 came long...and everything changed.

Our relationship with each other has really suffered. We argue now more than we ever have. He has become distant and unreachable. He does not seem to have any love for me right now. I think our issues are heightened by being in lockdown and both working from home. We had no escape from each other and our working and personal lives became blurred.

I know he is questioning the relationship. I want to believe that our marriage is not the cause of his depression, but it's really hard for me not to worry that I am the problem. Or that our relationship is the problem. I know that it is much more complex than that and that his depression isn't necessarily rooted in any one thing in particular. I want to believe that his depression is actually probably the main cause of our current marital problems, but it is so hard to have faith when he can't give me any reassurance that he will ever feel for me what he used to feel.

I need to know how you can stand by your partner through all of this and still believe that deep down inside of them they still love and want you. Loving someone who is depressed is the hardest thing I have ever done but I would be prepared to go to hell and back with him if I knew that at the end of all of this he will love me and want me and be by my side. The fear of losing him is making it so much harder for me to be the person he needs right now. How do I believe that we are still true soul mates if he can't?

It is the hardest thing for me because I love him so much. He is everything to me. I love him even at his worst and on his darkest days and when he can't love me back. But I need hope that he will one day love me back.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 00:07:06 GMT

Hi Zozza,

Good on you for reaching out here. I just felt the need to reply to your post almost instantly. I am in pretty much the same situation as you...and I wish I could provide you some answers. I have my own thread:

Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

I have had plenty of responses there from the absolutely amazing people on this forum who have helped give me the hope to hold on. I can't say that we are through the storm yet, but I am hopeful.

Take care of yourself as well. For me, it has been mentally exhausting as well and I've had to seek support for myself as well.

Please keep posting here if it helps. I find that sometimes it helps me to get my thoughts out of my head.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 00:24:51 GMT

Hi 815, I have read through your thread and found it very helpful. I am so sorry you are going through this too, but also really glad I found this forum.

I have also found it really useful to do some research and learn that this sort of thing is really common and is helping me see that it is the depression, and not him, that it making him doubt his love for me and to see me and our marriage as something negative.

I have been speaking to a counsellor and she has been really helpful, but our last session was cancelled and rescheduled and I have had to wait a long time to talk to her again, and I find some days are just much harder than other days. The fear of losing him is just so strong sometimes.

I am determined not to let the depression divide and conquer us. It has stolen so much from my husband, including the words I need to hear him say, but I will not let it steal my faith in our marriage.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 02:14:18 GMT

Hi Zozza,

I read your words and I feel as if I have written them. So as much as I hate for either of us to be in this situation, I hope it provides you a little comfort and support to know that, you are not alone in this. Although I am sure you feel that way, as I do.

I agree, the more I read, the more I realise that it is the depression. It still does not make it easier to handle, however in the times when I can remind myself of that and believe that it is not his true feelings, I can find hope.

I'm glad to hear you are speaking to a counsellor. I hope you can speak to her again soon?

Is your husband on medication and/or seeing counsellor/psychologist as well?

And I totally understand that fear. Just this morning I was sitting here with that fear at the pit of my stomach. And I came on to the forum and saw your post and somehow it gave me some strength and hope.

I always thought, that our love was strong enough to see us through anything. And I find myself wondering whether I was wrong in believing that. However, we got married, for better or worse, in good and bad. It's definitely bad, but it's not over. And I do believe that sometimes in a marriage/relationship, one partner has to step up and be a bit stronger for a bit and carry both through.

Maybe for us Zozza, that time is now. The time to stand up, hold on, and be strong for our husband and our children.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 03:17:11 GMT

Hi 815,

Thank you so much.

I actually used those words, said that it was ok for him to feel like this and that I was here for him and that I would carry him. He got so angry, said he didn't want me to carry him, and that he felt like I was treating him like a baby. That hurt a lot, but also I know a lot of men hate to show their vulnerability and feel the need to always be strong. I think I need to support him in a way that makes him feel that he has his independence and that he is doing this on his own terms.

He has started seeing a very good psychologist last week. His first counsellor wasn't very helpful - maybe partly because he wasn't ready yet to really open up, or maybe they just didn't really gel. But now he seems to have found someone who can help, which is a relief. I am thinking of suggesting medication if things don't improve. He has gone back to work today after taking some stress leave - this is my first day at home on my own for many months - since the first lockdown, and it has been good for me to just sit with my own thoughts. I really needed to have that space. It's made me realise how hard it has been to do that with him here all the time. And we will see if going back to work helps or makes things worse.

Thanks so much for your support. It is really helpful for me. I am thinking of you too and hope that we both have the strength to get through this.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 04:38:08 GMT

Hi Zozza,

I saw my mum earlier. She asked me how things are and how my husband is. I told her that things are not great. She told me to be patient with him...and I know she is right. These things will take time to heal.

I think that we have to believe that we will be OK. Because if we lose that hope, that faith, that belief, then we we have no chance of being OK.

Don't give up.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 11:13:14 GMT

I told him tonight that I have decided not to let my own anxiety about our relationship and the fear of losing him control me anymore. That I will continue to love him even if he can't love me back right now.

I told him I will be there for him no matter what. He thanked me and said that he can't say the same.

That hurts, but I know it's the depression talking.

He also said that he feels as though he's never going to be the same again. That he's gone through some kind of transformation and that this is who is now. That perhaps he's been this way all along but he was just pretending until now.

Is this normal for someone with depression to talk like this?

I feel I can't really listen or believe anything he says at the moment. It is the depression talking. I just have to remind myself constantly and not believe all this crazy stuff. He's never talked like this before.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 12:32:49 GMT

Hi Zozza,

First of all, I think it was very strong and honest of you to speak to him and say those things to him. I can only imagine how hurtful his response was.

My husband has said almost the exact same words to me. And I go back and forth between convincing myself that it is the depression, and wondering whether these are his true feelings.

I think...we have to believe it's the depression.

I don't know how this will work out for either of us. But I do know that I won't be giving up. And I can feel in your words Zozza that you don't want to give up either. I think what we can do right now, is keep trying, keep being here and keep loving. Trust that time will heal, have faith in our husbands and faith in ourselves to get us through.

I can only imagine that tonight may be a hard one for you. Know that I am thinking of you too and hoping for the best for you. When the morning comes, the sun will rise and so will you, to face another day. Because for now, that is what we can do for them.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 10:38:53 GMT

So tomorrow is our anniversary. We are having the kids looked after and having a kid free night and going out for dinner to one of our favourite restaurants.

I feel so anxious about it. I really don't know what to expect. He's basically made it clear to me that he can't really reciprocate my love and affection at the moment. I asked him if he still wanted to go - and made it clear that he was not under any pressure - but he said that he still wanted to, and not to overthink it too much. I am an overthinker though - I can't seem to help it. I am trying not to have any expectations, but I can't help being hopeful. It has been such a painful, lonely few months and I have been craving any kind of connection with him. I think it will be even more painful to feel that on our anniversary - even more so than any other normal day. And I just don't know if I can handle more pain at the moment.

I don't even know really what we can talk about. My counsellor suggested that we should have some ground rules - things that we should avoid talking about

I can't talk about the past because this tends to upset him and everything about our past together seems tainted by his negativity if we talk about it - and I don't really want to ruin all of our memories together! I can't talk about the future either because this seems so confused to him. He doesn't seem to like talking about future plans - even positive things like holidays. I can't really even talk about the present because he's so miserable. What can we talk about?

Can anyone give me advice on how to look forward to this day and not dread it? How do I deal with the inevitable disappointment?

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 23:10:50 GMT

Hi Zozza,

Happy Wedding Anniversary! I know you might not feel so happy today. But please find hope in the fact that he still wants to go out to dinner. I know it will be hard, considering all the things that he has said. I am like you. I am an over thinker even at the best of times! However I really think you should try to take his lead on this, and not overthink it as he has said. I think maybe you should just try not to expect anything from him. However maybe let him lead or initiate the conversation, if any. I think just the two of you being together, maybe even in awkward silence would be better than not being together?

I really don't know either to be honest. But I really hope you guys can enjoy a couple of hours together and it will be OK.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Sat, 14 Nov 2020 04:55:05 GMT

He’s sleeping with someone else. He’s admitted it to me.
I can’t believe it. After everything I’ve done.
Help me.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 03:21:05 GMT

Hi Zozza,

My heart breaks for you...
I wish I had words to help you.
I'm thinking of you xo

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

quirkywords — Sun, 15 Nov 2020 07:00:42 GMT

Zozza

i have read your post and am sorry your husband has been infsitbful.

Depression can trick our minds that we think the people who love us don’t understand us so people seek understanding elsewhere, I am not saying depression is an excuse as the person has still made that decision

I am glad that you and 815 have been supporting each other .

have you thought about contacting corona virus support line.
please look after yourself.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 22:52:30 GMT

Thank you. I am in a lot of pain.

We are talking, I am trying to work through it all but it's overwhelming.

I still love him. I want to move beyond this but I don't know if he can. I don't really know if I can either but I know that our relationship is worth fighting for. He does not seem to have any fight left in him and is doubting his love for me. He doesn't know what he wants. It is hurting a lot.

I am losing hope. I don't have much left in me to give. I don't feel like he's going to be able to help me heal and I don't think I can do it on my own.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 00:18:18 GMT

Hi Zozza,

I was just thinking about you this morning and hoping you'd check in.

I can't even imagine what you are going through right. I feel totally heart broken for you. It is good to hear that you are talking. But I can only imagine that it will take time to work through everything - your feelings, his feelings, what you want, what he wants.

I don't know if it's too early or too soon, but have you thought about relationship counselling to talk through both of your feelings?

I wish I could offer some words of hope or some advice. But please know that I am thinking about you. Please take care and write if it helps.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 03:31:04 GMT

Yes we've talked about relationship counselling, but that assumes he thinks that there is a relationship to save, which he doesn't seem to at the moment. I thought it might be best for us to keep having counselling separately before we have counselling together but I then it might also be good for us to talk to a counsellor sooner rather than later where we have the benefit of an impartial listener. At the moment I am worried that all this talking is only going to hurt things more.

I keep encouraging him to get more help and perhaps try medication for the depression but he just gets so angry when I try to help him. He seems dubious about drugs helping. It's like he thinks the problems are outside of him and not inside - although he denies that.

The only thing he seems to want at the moment is to get away from me. He is going to his dad's house this weekend. I am glad that he will have someone else to talk to but I am just so afraid that the more time he spends away from me the harder it will be for him to come back to me.

Thanks for listening. I am really struggling today. I know it's early days and have to hope that it will get better. It has to get better surely.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

815 — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 10:28:50 GMT

Hi Zozza,

I definitely think it's a good idea for you to continue seeking counselling individually, for your own mental health. What does your husband think about relationship counselling? Regardless of whether you think he wants to save the relationship, if he's open to it then it might be the way to go.

I understand how hard it is when you try to encourage your loved one to get help, and they just get angry. All you can do is keep trying. Unfortunately, from my own experience, I've realised it will never be enough for us to want them to get help. They themselves have to want the help.

Maybe time spent apart, will be good for both of you. However I definitely understand your worry. I always feel that the more time that passes, and the more time we don't spend together, makes it harder for us to find each other again. But I also think that this is the time where we have to trust that time and space will heal.

I don't know what the healing looks like. I don't know what the outcome will be. But yes, things will get better. It may take a lot of time. But you said that you believe it's worth fighting for, and even with what little fight you have left, I think you should give it all you've got, until you truly can't anymore. And I think deep down you'll know if that time comes. But I don't think you're there yet.

I am here, to read your words, to write words in reply, and I am keeping hope for you.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Bill_-_been_there — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 12:31:51 GMT

Hi Zozza,
I have just been following your thread and reading the support from all of the other people that are providing good advice.
I am a man - in my senior years - now retired - however I had a breakdown around 25 years ago where I lost everything I had - my job - my money - my wife - my house and my mind.
Back then, when there was not so much support such as Beyond Blue, it took me three years to get better.
Since then, I have been studying what caused my depression and anxiety and I'd like to share some of what I have learned.
In my late 45 to 50 age brackets, I began to feel that I was getting older and the younger men coming up behind me had new and brighter ideas and they had a stronger drive to succeed.
I felt like I was being left behind – and it was quite frightening in some ways.
At around the same time, the economic climate collapsed and I was suddenly out of work, stuck at home, no money and under incredible pressure just like so many men in the lockdown situation nowadays
I became anxious and depressed, and began to have thoughts that I was not worthy of being loved. My sex drive went out the window and even though my wife was understanding and supporting, the chemical imbalances in my brain caused by the depression, made me confused and overwhelmed.
I felt like I was broken and worn down and no use to anyone.
I began pulling away – not because I did not love my wife – it was because of the terrible feeling inside my gut and heart that I did not love myself – and in fact I did not love anything much at all about my life.
I was just sad all of the time and it was out of my control.
Those feelings come from deep inside of a man and I have learnt over the years about some natural products that help me to rebalance my moods and feelings.
I find that when I take these supplements, they help me to balance my moods and stop the negative self-talk that’s so common in a man’s mind when they suffer setbacks like what’s happened during the pandemic.
They have given me more confidence and I feel calmer and more in control, happier, energetic and amorous again.
I am wondering if supplements might be able to help your husband as well.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

geoff — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 18:22:28 GMT

Hello Zozza, I wanted to reply last night but it was too late but your circumstances are pretty well identical to my situation as I was married for 25 years.

815, Quirky and Bill have been contributing and can't thank them enough.

Your husband is unable to tell you that he loves you when he's feeling like this because what love means doesn't represent what it once did, not because he doesn't but this illness makes you incapable of feeling emotions of any kind, and even by you telling him such, will not probably register as most things will only bounce off him.

As Bill says 'not because I did not love my wife – it was because of the terrible feeling inside my gut and heart that I did not love myself', how can you love someone if you don't love yourself.

I've been on both sides of the pendulum when my ex-wife had PND and I was trying my hardest to convey my love towards her, unfortunately, it only bounced off her until I started suffering from the same illness, this was many years ago.

18 years later our marriage was the same as what you are trying to cope with, still a long time ago where I self medicated with alcohol and at this stage, it was my salvation and told by many people to stop, now I don't drink but divorced.

My ex and I talk quite often talk as if nothing happened, but couldn't live together again, but still definitely love each other, in a different way, so in my instance, love does return.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

How do you have faith in your marriage when your partner has depression?

Zozza — Tue, 17 Nov 2020 23:42:36 GMT

Thanks Geoff and Bill, it helps to have your insight into what it's like on the other side.

All that you are saying made sense to me before the affair. And I still want to believe that, but it's even more difficult to believe now that he has cheated on me. If he is so incapable of feeling, how is it that he found himself able to have feelings for this other woman, and not the woman who has stood by him and loved him for 22 years?

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

He is trying though. I have been sharing podcasts with him and he has been listening to them and doing his own research too. He is willing to do couples counselling. Last night we agreed not to talk about the infidelity and have a break - but we did share how we were feeling. How it's affecting our work, our inability to focus, our appetite. We are feeling a lot of the same feelings but for different reasons. It's nice to share in that together - to remind ourselves that we are both hurting, both going through this together. It's something at least.

I have told him if he really has no hope for us then he can leave. But he doesn't. And that has to mean something. I know he's experiencing a lot of emotions and is expressing that he's still in shock that I haven't thrown him out of the house. That I am even allowing him to still sleep in my bed. It's going to take a long time before he can really come to terms with what he's feeling and what his next steps should be.

He's going to see his dad this Friday night and then his sister on Saturday night. It will be good for him to have some time away from me and also talk to people who can support him and guide him.

Thanks again to everyone offering words of support.