topic Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic in Supporting family and friends

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Sun, 02 Jun 2019 05:45:24 GMT

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking.

My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking.

I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

geoff — Mon, 03 Jun 2019 19:21:42 GMT

Hello Blackboy, thanks for posting your comment and from what you have told us it's a situation that isn't easy to rectify, especially if she drinks to an enormously dangerous level.

As you say she will be OK once she's in a clinic but as soon as she comes out, it's easy to start drinking again, so that leaves a big question, two weeks drying out is not long enough and I'm sorry I'm not qualified to make this determination, only have known people who have gone into a clinic, dry out and then start again afterwards.

Can I just post this now and will get back to you.

Geoff.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

geoff — Mon, 03 Jun 2019 20:11:06 GMT

Hi Blackboy, thank you and can I just say once again that I'm not qualified but have seen this happen before with other people.

The only person to stop is your wife, no pleading or no begging will do this unless that's what she wants to do, I feel the pain you are going through.

The one problem is that if she's not eating nor exercising and sleeps all day is that her health is going to deteriorate and need to be hospitalised I'm sorry to say.

Her doctor can prescribe some medication which stops people from drinking, but will only work if the person wants to stop.

Can I ask whether or not she wants to have any counselling, however, I know from experience that this may not stop the drinking.

This is a situation where I'd like to talk to you, but unfortunately, I can't, please get back to me when you are able to.

I'm 64.

Geoff.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Wed, 05 Jun 2019 02:01:27 GMT

Dear Blackboy,

I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament and how dreadfully sick your wife is. It is so hard watching someone go downhill, especially when you know there is something can be done.

You may not be able to help your wife, but you can most certainly get help and understanding for yourself; there is a fellowship called Al-anon - https://www.al-anon.org.au/ - which is for friends and families of alcoholics. Alternatively, you can call 1300 252 666 for more information. You can also attend any meeting at any time. There are lots of meetings in Melbourne and surrounds. All you need to do is pick up the phone.

In the meantime, you wrote that you have been advised to not accept her coming back home if she is hospitalized again, and that is EXACTLY what I too would suggest. Tough love works better than any form of enabling ever will. If she is to get well at all, she needs to realise that it is her, and her alone that is pouring this poison into her body. So I know this next bit is gonna sound harsh, but for example; if she falls on the floor then unless you think she is has done some serious damage, like broken a bone, or is unconscious and make choke on vomit or something, then leave her there for at least a little while until or unless she agrees to go to hospital AND an AA meeting. I would also strongly recommend medical supervision along the way; 0.4 is VERY high BAC.

For more information about AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) you can do one, two or all three of the following:

1) Go to the website - aa.org.au

2) Call 1300 AA AA AA (1300 22 22 22) to talk to someone about AA and what happens there.

3) You can attend any open AA meeting, along with your wife, or alone if she won't go, and maybe get a phone number or make contact with another woman (we suggest men for men, women for women) who may be able to come see your wife and at least 'plant the seed' of recovery into your wife's mind.

I know this is dreadfully difficult and so hard to watch, but tough love really can work ..... if she accepts that she needs to change. So rather that sit by and watch her die, stand up and encourage her to follow you into a place of recovery. If she won't go to AA, set the example by by going to Al-anon.

I hope that helps at least a little. I'll be thinking of you.

Mel. xo

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 23:09:07 GMT

Thanks Geoff. My wife is currently in a clinic once more. As previously, she is fine while she is in the clinic, the problem happens once she comes out. She is trying everything that might help, such as AA groups, friendship groups, counsellors, activities, volunteering. As she has previously reverted to drinking on coming out of clinics, however, we have only limited hope, and we are looking for something long-term. I am very depressed living at home without her and despairing at the future with the prospect of ongoing separation. I would like to find some way we can be together without her drinking. We have both looked hard for some such arrangement, but we can't find anything.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 23:19:33 GMT

Thanks Mel. I have tried Alanon and she has tried several AA groups. She is going to continue her AA contacts and she is also seeing specialists. She's looking for a good psychologist and a hypnotherapist to help her stop drinking. Her motivation is extremely strong but still it hasn't been enough to stop her in the past. She's been in hospital for intoxication 3 times now but they only keep her overnight and then discharge her back home and the problem continues. At present she is in a clinic and not drinking and the result is that she is fine, nobody would imagine she has any problem at all. At times like this my heart says, "come back home, you will be OK now, we can be happy together again" but my head knows that the risk of relapse is extremely high. What we need is some long-term solution where we can be together without her drinking. At present I am home alone and sinking into depression. I try to join groups and do activities to get myself out of this, but I miss her so much that the misery often overwhelms me and I just can't summon up enough motivation.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 12:04:41 GMT

Dear Blackboy,

When you say you have 'tried' Al-anon and she has 'tried' AA, I feel as though you are talking past tense? As in you went along to Alanon and it didn't 'fix her' so you stopped going?

I feel the need to tell you at this point that those fellowships are there to provide ONGOING support. Twelve step support groups are a bit like employment; once you get to the job, you need to keep working at it, improving on it, and working at it some more in order to keep the job.

Or, if you like, it's a bit like eating; one meal is not going to sustain you forever. Barely for a week in fact. You need to KEEP eating. KEEP 'working' (going to meetings) and keep up with building the relationships and the networks with others so that you are not relying on just one person for your happiness.

What she has is a disease. A very persistent, progressive, horrible, hurtful, destructive disease. And maybe, just maybe, living seperately could be helpful? I know it's not ideal, but who says that husbands and wives who don't live together, don't succeed in still having a relationship?

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and nor can you cure it. I know you want nothing more than for her to get well, but at what cost? It's cliche, I know, but sometimes you gotta give in to win. Maybe letting her go a little, and finding some sort of permanent care, even though it's not what you want, could be the answer?

I don't know. I just know that recovery is hard, yes, but not impossible. Certainly not for you. Please please PLEASE at least consider going back to Al-anon for yourself if not for her.

I wish I could give you better news or more help. I really feel for you. I don't know what else to say except that I/we are still here for you and with you for as long as you need. And as always, I am still keeping both you and her in my thoughts and prayers. xo

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

geoff — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 18:45:41 GMT

Hi Blackboy, I feel the pain this is causing you, so can I ask you to copy and paste this:

67 year man has an alcoholic wife who can't stop drinking help me please, there is some information which may interest you.

If your wife is hospitalised overnight and then released the next day all they are doing is making sure she dries out, that's not much help unless they follow up and check on her regularly, unfortunately, the decision has to come from her to stop, but with any addiction, it's not that easy.

She can have so many different people talking to her trying to advise her to stop, this happened to me when I was depressed, but it went in one ear and out the other, there had to be something else to do this.

Have a read of the link and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 03:29:44 GMT

Thank you for the thoughts. The position is that I went to Alanon some years ago, but it didn't do much for me so I stopped going (not because it didn't "fix" my wife). She has gone to AA on many occasions and still goes sometimes. She is coming out of the clinic tomorrow and we are planning a holiday in Queensland for 2 weeks after that. When we are on holiday she never drinks. As for separation, I love her too much to want to think about a permanent separation. But we are looking at all sorts of options for long-term treatment for her if she relapses. The other thing we are doing is trying to build up networks for her so she is not socially isolated, which is one thing she often talks about. I mean volunteering, education, friendship groups, hobby groups and so forth. I will do whatever it takes. Thanks again.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 03:38:45 GMT

Thanks for your thoughts Geoff, but when I copied and pasted that result in the Beyond Blue search engine I got over 10,000 results which is way more than I can possibly sort through! Could you please give me a direct link, or, if I"m doing something wrong, give idiot-proof instructions?

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 11:23:56 GMT

Yes, it would be good for her to increase her social networks because connection with others helps to break the cycle of addiction. I know that you want to do whatever it takes, and I hope that she too has that same drive; to do whatever it takes. It's not all up to you, you know.

And I know I keep saying it, but AA IS a long-term treatment option, if she attends regular frequent meetings. And there are meetings all over this country, and all over the world. AA is also a place where she can build up social networks, and do 'volunteer' work of sorts, by doing some form of service within the fellowship; such as helping to set the room up, making coffee and washing up afterwards ...... there are all manner of networks and helping roles to be be fulfilled within the fellowship. And there is no time limit on how many times she can go, or for how long. AA is there for all who seek it, for as long as they seek it for.

Anyway, I promise I won't harp on about it any more. What I can tell you is that neither she, nor you, has to face this journey alone. Hope your trip to Queensland is amazing and that you both have a wonderful time. Maybe you could tell us all about it as you go, or when you come back, yeah?! Take care. xo

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

geoff — Thu, 27 Jun 2019 17:05:11 GMT

Hi Blackboy, I'm sorry, if you type 'Free Australian health advice you can count on' and type alcoholism in their search bar see if this helps.

I'll keep looking for you.

Geoff.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Sun, 30 Jun 2019 06:34:25 GMT

Or, I have another idea; maybe she could try Smart Recovery? If she hasn't already, that is!

Anyway, here's a link: https://smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au/ if you would like to check it out.

Still thinking of you both. Hope things are getting better, and that your holiday in QLD is going well.

Regards, Mel. xo

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Sat, 07 Sep 2019 06:45:23 GMT

Here I am, back again. We had our holiday in Townsville and very pleasant it was, with my wife not having one drop of alcohol in the whole 2 weeks. But within a few days of returning she was at it again. About a week afterwards she went missing after meeting a friend for coffee. I had to notify the police. She was absent from Saturday morning until Monday afternoon, when she was found in her car where she had been drinking all weekend. She went to hospital. 2 days after she was released she was back on it again and I found her drunk, incoherent and screaming at the local railway station. After that she was back in the clinic, where, as usual, everything was fine until she came out last weekend. She resumed drinking although at first not very much. We had an agreement that she would give me control of her money and cards so she could not buy the stuff. I thought that this would fix things; however, yesterday she did not keep the agreement and consumed a whole bottle of red wine, resulting in her being blind drunk, collapsing and vomiting on the floor and having to be taken to the hospital. This morning she was discharged and took an Uber home, and apparently got the driver to stop on the way so she could get more alcohol. She fell over on the bedroom floor before I could get her into bed. She's still lying there and won't get up.

She will have to go to very long-term rehab. My issue now is that I am heartbroken and despairing of any solution. I see no future for her and therefore none for me either. She is all I have (no family or friends). All the dreams I had of happiness in retirement have been shattered and all I have left is loneliness and misery. It's as if she has died. We've been married 35 years this month.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

paddyanne — Sat, 07 Sep 2019 11:00:20 GMT

Hi Blackboy. Unfortunately for your wife, you're probably aware alcoholism is an illness like any other illness (depression, bipolar etc). Your wife too is the ONLY one who can 'fix' her illness. It sounds as though she is aware of her alcoholism but is unable to stop drinking. Alcoholism is hereditary and often starts as children or teens. Until she herself wants to stop, she can't. She will promise faithfully many times to abstain and mean it. There is no 'one cure fixes all' with alcoholism. AA as I understand it has sponsors to guide and support someone who is 'drying out'. The one thing that AA insists on is honesty, every time she 'falls' she has to be honest about it. She doesn't have to explain why, just that she fell again. If she is kept in hospital, I can assure you, doubly, that she won't die, she will be monitored 24/7. You will be kept updated with any and all treatments and you will be notified if she becomes depressed or threatens to hurt herself. You need to self- care so you can be there for her when she is returned home. I think maybe you should consider the Dr's suggestion about keeping her in hospital where she will be well cared for and helped. Her alcoholism is way out of control and she desperately needs help. You need to consider having her taken into hospital so both you and she can get some rest and she can start recovering under supervision.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Sun, 08 Sep 2019 03:47:34 GMT

Thank you Paddyanne. But I don't think any hospital is going to be willing to keep her for a long period. Hospitals are for people with physical issues, whereas hers is psychological. She has been in hospital many times, and each time she is discharged within 24 hours, once she has "dried out". Hence we are looking at long-term rehab, or perhaps some kind of "halfway house".

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

paddyanne — Sun, 08 Sep 2019 06:16:42 GMT

Hi again Blackboy. I suggest you talk to your Dr and explain your wife's alcoholism is out of her control. Ask him direct if he can have her admitted to a ward that deals specifically with alcoholism. Drying out can be painful with many other issues I can't mention here. Tell your Dr she has been admitted many times, but each time, after 24 hrs she has been able to leave. A Dr has the means to insure she will be detained under (I think) the mental health act. This method insures her safety and well-being. She desperately needs professional help and you need rest. You are worn out and stressed from the worry of her safety. If she is similar to most people with this illness she will lie to insure her release. If she is admitted under a Dr's orders, this cancels her release. Tell your Dr you are worried and need rest and she needs help. You can't help her till you are stronger and from the tone of your post, I can hear the tiredness from watching her hurt herself.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Sun, 08 Sep 2019 12:51:53 GMT

Dear Blackboy,

As soon as I saw you had replied, I thought 'Yay'! He's keeping in touch ...... and then I read that although she didn't drink on the holiday, she did drink on return, and, by your account has 'stumbled' quite badly.

So my 'yay' was quite quickly deflated. I am so sorry to hear that this just seems to be one of those situations that is going to have a rather sad story to it.

I know you say that she is your world and you have no-one else, (and I've probably mentioned this before) but if you go to Al-Anon, you will find there understanding and support. You can learn to live your best possible life, even though she is continuing to drink. I urge you, with all the earnestness that I can, to try Al-anon again. There is a whole new bunch of friends and 'soul' family in Al-anon, just waiting to meet you ..... you must haven't met them yet.

And if not Al-anon, then maybe you could join some other group of some sort? Like a local men's shed or something? Something that is just for you, and that will help you to break that cycle of constantly picking up after her ...... something that gets you out of the house, away from the pain of watching her destroy herself.

It sounds like putting her into permanent care is the best option. Certainly not the easiest, by any means, but the best. You have carried this heavy load for a long time now. There IS a future for you, and her ...... it's just not at all how you thought it might be. It's not too late to turn things around at least for yourself. And who knows, maybe it will give you both a bit of relief? It doesn't mean that you can't visit her ........ but it sounds like you are in desperate need of a break. And soon.

Again, I am sorry to hear of this dreadful fall back into the pit of alcoholism. I wish I could help some more, I really do.

And if you don't join Al-anon again, or a men's shed or whatever, then just keep coming back here ...... but I have a suggestion with that too; the next time you post on here, tell me what you have done for YOURSELF. something JUST for you, that didn't involve trying to control or cure your wife's drinking.

Most importantly, don't lose hope for yourself. We're here for you. No matter what. And I'll be watching for your next post, for a hobby you engaged in, or something you did just for you. Just for an hour. Just because.

Take care. Still here for you. xo

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 10:47:59 GMT

You are both very kind. My wife and I are working on ideas. I will get back to you in a few days. Thanks so much.

Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Soberlicious96 — Mon, 09 Sep 2019 11:05:16 GMT

I'll look forward to it. Am keeping you and your wife in my thoughts every day. xo