topic Feeling stressed and drained in Supporting family and friends

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Wed, 11 Mar 2020 12:56:06 GMT

Well hear go's, I'm seeking some advice on how to manage my own stress and mental state for my current situation.
My wife is bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder, we have been together for 5 years, there have been ups and downs like everyone but no matter what I love her with everything in me, we have 3 children. Last year my wife had a terrible run with her sister commting suicide and her father dying all within 10 months which has led us to move to her home country, she was off her medication for the last 4 years until last month.

This last few weeks we have moved from Australia to her home country new Zealand but now I have to come back for the next 4 months to finish up my job and stuff hear leaving her over there on her own with not support person and far distance away from any family or friends. I'm so worried and stressed that she is not going to cope, she will have a bad episode and I won't be there to help. she has all ways had problems being upfront to me with not coping or being in a bad mind set, I have my ways of telling if she is in a bad way but being so far away from her has me so messed up right now, iv expressed my concerns and worrys to her but she tells me to tuffen up or deal with it and that does nothing to help how I'm feeling about it. The 2 months leading upto the move I lost 14kg, could hardly sleep or eat without feeling anxious or like I was going to throw up. It went away for a week or 2 while we moved away and set up the new home, but now I'm back in Australia it's all come back. Other than seeing a gp which I plan to do, does anyone have any advice for coping with being so far away from you partner who suffers from these mental health conditions.

Sorry if my post is messy or confusing I'm not very good at this.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 12:01:43 GMT

Dear BG89~

Not messy or confused at all, it's pretty clear. So welcome here to the forum, you sound very stressed and coming here is a good idea, it lets you see other perspectives.

I can see your wife, who has bipolar and BPD would be of a very great concern to you, and I have the feeling that you always take it on yourself to be her protector, to talk her down and sooth her fears, as well as try to cope with some of the more excessive symptoms.

Add to that three children to bring up together.

Under normal circumstances I'd hesitate to say all was good, it sounds to me as if you are taking on too much and it is taking its toll on you. Nobody is an inexhaustible well of strenght and help -nobody.

Now you have moved to NZ for her sake, and during the period you knew you were moving your own condition became very poor, losing weight, lost sleep, no appetite and constant grinding worry.

Now she and the kids are over there and you have had to return for a bit, losing whatever hopes you might have had to directly assist her if she were it need it.

There is a sign over passenger seats in aircraft:

Put oxygen mask on self before helping others

You can see where I'm heading, just reading this post I frankly think you are in a worse position than your wife, at least she is back on her medication, and your own welfare should very much be the priority. As a result I'm very pleased your are seeing a GP. A long consultation would be good, and please do not hold back on your condition and feelings, even if tempted to do so. You need to be well and that may itself involve treatment.

My anxiety and other conditions never improved until I had competent medical help.

Beyond Blue has a lot of advice on anxiety, have a browse all around:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety/anxiety-management-strategies

In addition many people say what has helped them in this thread:

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

I would like it if you came back and talked some more, there is a lot to try

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

quirkywords — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 21:08:30 GMT

BG89,

I welcome you to the forum and found your post very well expressed, detailed and moving.

Croix has written a through helpful and support reply so I wont repeat his suggestions.

I have had bipolar for over 40 years and I have also been a carer for a close friend and family member.

AS Croix explained you need to look after yourself . I learnt this the hard way when being listed as a next of kin for a friend who was in a mental health unit. I was so busy helping her that I became very run down. Luckily I realised what happened in time and received help.

When you see your GP if you feel a bit awkward explaining what has happened you could cut and paste your post (edit it if you need be) and read it to the gp or even show him your notes. I often take note to the GP because when I get there my mind often goes blank and I walk out later thinking why didn't I say this or that.

Thanks for your honesty

Quirky

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 06:28:39 GMT

Thank you for your reply and advice I really appreciate it, I'm going to check out the fourm pages you mentioned and I'll also see my gp once I get the courage to do so, I won't lie i feel embarrassed (which I know I shouldn't be) and nervous to see my gp but I know need i to in order to get my stress and anxiety under control. I'm talking with my wife as often as possible as well with out going over board which for me helps.
Its nice to hear from someone who understands what I'm saying iv tried to talk to the few friends I have left and some family but none of them seem to understand in my opinion the seriousness and reasons why I feel this way and there advice is normally you will be ok, it will pass, don't be so over protective which is i guess why I don't talk to anyone about it.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 08:20:43 GMT

Dear BG89~

I guess the best way to look at is is that GPs are used to these sort of scenarios, they are far from rare. Some GPs actually take an interest in mental conditions and can steer one pretty well towards what one needs. If you get a chance ask for one of these.

Yes it is embarrassing, and I found frightening too, however that embarrassment is fleeing, and if you follow Quirky's advice and take your time, write everything down first, than hand the paper over you will find it a lot easier that you thought - plus it gives the doctor the complete picture, something hard to get face to face.

I was quite capable of forgetting something important, or downplaying/leaving out something frightening or embarrassing. Doing this was not helpful as to treat a condition one has to know the problem, not just bits of it.

I'm glad talking with your wife helps, though I'd guess even here it is a balancing act, not delving too deeply.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

Sweesoft — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 01:42:56 GMT

Hello, I am just new here and I come across this thread. Reading your experience/s brings chills to me, such condition is not easy at all. I am anxious all the time and afraid that i would end up having such condition. Thank you for sharing.

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 00:56:28 GMT

Well iv finally booked the appointment I so really need right now. As I feared my wife being in lockdown with 3 kids and full time study and no help has not gone the best, currently I'm the foucs of her rage and anger, Im felt to be a hassle or a pain in the ass if I want to call or talk to her or our kids unless she msgs or calls first, over Easter all I got was a 2 minute conversation with her and my kids. It made me feel so shit iv been stuck in a depressed rutt ever since. Finding my self fighting tears back at home, work, in my car, even now as I admit it all typing this. We had no problems other than minor marriage house hold stuff before this and now ever since she is in lockdown over there and under alot of stress I'm getting hit with it all. I know she is off her medication and I can see the wine bottles starting to pile up in the kitchen. I'm so anxious and stressed about how she is going and how the kids are but unfortunately until she in a calm state I wont be able to know. Riding the waves of her bpd has been so challenging over the years iv seen her paint a few people black now I fear it's finally my turn, and if so I don't know how I will make it out of this emotionally.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:49:52 GMT

Dear BG89~

As you said, it's riding the waves, at her worst nobody is going to get near. I would expect that you are the closes person to hit out at when she is in lock down, so you cop it.

I'm glad you've booked that appointment. However it seems to you at the moment you do not have to face this alone.

You know what to aim for, get her off the bottles and back on meds under her doctor. A ray of hope. Getting there won't be easy whch is why your welfare has to come first, you need big coping skills to even contemplate the future with her.

Please let us know how your appointment goes, and if you think that it will be too hard to explain face to face then write it all down (or show all your posts)

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 07:37:02 GMT

I finally had my appointment today, as I expected I broke down before I even got in there and I broke down while I was in there, I told my doctor everything that's been happening and how iv been feeling the last few months, she has proscribed me medication and instructed me to continue to visit every week and has even offered to help set up a plan for me and how I can cope with my wife and her conditions while I'm hear and once I get over there.

Iv told my wife she took it some what well and supportive, I was actually really worried she would think I'm weak and useless now and leave me as iv read some bpd leave once they think they have broken you. I truly and deeply love her and would never leave her despite all the nasty things her condition makes her say or act, she knows this and I hope it's enough for her to stay around. My doctor sead she thinks my self esteem has be ground down over the years and is why I feel so anxious about our marriage. I'd like to thank you for you wise words and help.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Thu, 23 Apr 2020 10:41:35 GMT

Dear BG89~

I could no t have hoped for better news. It sounds as if you have found a doctor who is understanding and cooperative. I expect she is quite right about your self-esteem, after all you are a very worthy and steadfast person.

I would not take things you have read about BPD seriously , that is quite a different illness from Bipolar 2. I made that mistake too some time ago. Apart from that you cannot group peple by their illness, everyone is different. If she is supportive now then that's a real win.

With many people, myself included, the first mediation was not exactly right, in fact I went through a number to find the right one. Being offered a plan is probably a good idea, you have a lot on your mind and sharing it can really help, as can the therapy that comes wiht the plan.

Please let us know how you get on -and do not be easily discouraged, if you start to feel bad on these meds contact your doctor and discus it.

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Wed, 20 May 2020 02:34:14 GMT

So just an update, iv started therapy after being referred by my gp.
I must admit at first I was rather nervous but iv had my first session and I got alot of my chest verbally and to someone that understands. She was doing alot of writtng of notes but I guess that's normal.
I have tried countless times to talk to my wife about my mental health plan and how I'm feeling since mid late last year and since March when it took over me emotionally but she seems to put the conversation off or try change the subject, iv brought this up in my session and I really don't know what to think of that, I understand with her conditions she might not see the reality of how I'm doing or how everything has effected me but yer. It seems after all the years together and me bottling all my emotions in so I can be focused and ready to be there for her it's finally caught up with me.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Wed, 20 May 2020 11:43:00 GMT

Dear BG89~

I think it is great you got on well at your first appointment, as for the note writing, many medical people do that , at least they can refresh their memory accurately before seeing you, and not get you mixed up with another.

Mind you they have to talk to you too, not just be a stenographer, so I'll be interested to know your impression, is she offering comments and advice?

Do you think in time it might be worth your wife accompanying you for at least part of a session and have the signs and symptoms together wiht your condition explained by the psych?

Sometimes coming from a professional makes it more real. I did this and made my wife a lot happier.

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 11:05:31 GMT

The psychologist has been great tbh, she has given me some great recorces and feed back, much like you sead I need to look after my self better and she sead my anxiety and depression is threw roof atm due to being so far away from my wife and kids. My wife is going threw her own ups and downs and I found my own anxiety seems to flow depending on how she is going or how she is communicating with me.

On the days she says she loves me and makes plans for the future together I'm happy as and it feels great, when she is in a bad way she will take it out on me no matter who caused the problem beforehand or what the issue is about, I especially get anxity overload when she says she wants to be alone or wants to leave me and stuff to that effect, even with all the reading about bpd and bipolar iv done it still cuts me deep. Iv got 7 more sessions left with the psychologist and I'll be honest I wish I'd done this sooner.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 11:55:06 GMT

Dear BG89~

I'm glad the psych is working out. And it is not realy surprising that your ups and downs follow whose of you wife, after all it sounds as if she simply uses you as you are are closest and easiest.

I guess it would be good if two things could happen, your own stress levels were a lot lower, enabling you to cope with her outbursts in a better way, which I hope your psych can help you do. And of course the ideal, that your wife put limits on what she says, do you think that is at all possible?

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 12:45:27 GMT

I think if I can get better control of my anxiety overall and in the heat of the moment and better handle the outbursts it would be better for us all. When she gets mad she will threaten to leave me which triggers my anxiety big time and that is where it starts for me. unfortunately it's her go to for me to cave in on things.

It's a interesting note my psyc has made that since I first posted on hear and then went to see the doc, then psyc and iv opened up about it all like iv never before, she has been having more outbursts of aggression and says the most hurtful things and then doing things like asking me not to talk to her or msg her for the day or a few but then 2 to 4 hours later she will msg me, I'll reply and then she will say I'm msging to mutch or being obsessive and iv ruined the days study and little things like that but, or she will get really angry over something iv got no control over and take it out on me. I think maybe she is worried that I'm going to leave because of all anxiety and depression I'm going threw due to everyday life as well as her mental health conditions. I'd never do that I love her to mutch and I make shore she knows that I'm allways there for her.

We actually had a great conversation the other night about the behaviour therapy for her bpd and she seems interested in trying that out which is great news I think.

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Wed, 03 Jun 2020 10:19:39 GMT

Dear BG89~

I'm probably not telling you anything you do not already but the idea is twofold, to get you so you see waht seems as rocks thrown at you now are just pebbles - in other words your condition and coping powers improve.

The other is just at the moment your wife may wonder if your seeing a psych is a threat to her, that you will no longer put up with her behavour, and may act more extreme as a result.

In time she will come to realise it is no threat, you love her.

Make sense?

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Thu, 18 Jun 2020 08:50:02 GMT

Things have gotten worse, communicatin between me and my wife has gone to crap, the more I tell her about my progress with the psyc, what they are saying about us and myself, just day to day plans in general, it all seems to make things worse. In fact it's the complete opposite of how she made me feel when we got to nz and before I left now I'm being told I shouldn't come back and she wants a separate so she can focus on herself, then she tells me she can't wait for me to come over and be a family, now we are back at her pushing really hard on me to leave, she won't call it off her self she is pushing me to do it and I'm so lost and confused on how to tackle this situation, today I feel as all the progress iv made has gone out the window I feel worse than ever and I'm struggling to see the light in this situation iv done nothing but cry all day and iv been what I can only discribe as light headed and confused, I love her so much but it's causing me so much mental pain at the same time. She is saying she can't get the help she needs unless I brake up with her. I'm sorry for going on about it

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Thu, 18 Jun 2020 10:59:25 GMT

Dear BG89~

I guess reading back over your account of things since March it does appear you are not in a relationship that is in any way reliable, but you have to endure wild swings from wishing you gone to wishing you present.

If it is someone you care about -as you do – then such behavior cannot be shrugged off as ‘just one of her moods’ as it hurts too deep. It does not even have a predicted end, but might continue permanently.

Nobody (unless they simply didn’t care at all) could put up with that for any length of time.

Your anxiety may well be made worse by this constant uncertainty and it is doing nothing to help you reduce that condition, quite the opposite.

My anxiety, plus a couple of other things, was not treated until far too late after I’d been invalided out of my stressor (my work). This has made my condition a lot harder to treat. Even now when leading a balanced and good life I’m still under treatment.

So I guess I’d have to ask do you think you can continue as things are permanently?

Also what you think might be the best (realistic not hopeful) set of conditions to help you heal?

I hope to hear from you soon, you a not alone

Croix

Feeling stressed and drained

BG89 — Fri, 19 Jun 2020 05:09:02 GMT

It would be up and down like this over many months over the last 5-6 years but since her sisters suicide and her father's death over the last 2 years leading up to this move it has gotten worse, she us pushing me to the point where I don't know If I can emotionally and mentally take it anymore but at the same time I love her deeply and don't blame her for how she is, she knows my boundaries in regards to us and what I would take me to actually leave but she nevers crosses those which deep down makes me feel like she doesn't want me to leave at all.
I guess since iv started the therapy iv woken up to the emotional abuse iv been taking that i never knew I did, she has admitted she needs help and iv been very supportive and active in that which she is now really angry with me about.

Currently we are not talking for a few days which had happened before but normally half way threw she will call me and talk to be complety different to what was being sead 3 days before until she gets upset agen then it's back to this, as you have guessed my anxiety has gotten worse as has my depression as every day I don't what is going to happen or how it's going to be that day. I'm really worried about her and our children I miss them all so mutch

Feeling stressed and drained

Croix — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 15:09:46 GMT

Dear BG89~

When you are married to someone that has a volatile mental condition it can be very had to see what is "normal behavior" and what is over the top. at the same time there is a song urge to blame oneself for accepting the situation and not "handling it". Also of course the worry over separation and the kids.

I think, all things considered, you are doing well. You have sought hep, and it sounds pretty good, not only with a plan but also to give you an idea of what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

I think this will stand you in good stead. With more confidence the boundaries you insist upon now will become more realistic and your wife may well get to see that proper medical care for her is not just an option, but something that has to happen, both for the grief of her loses and her mental health condition.

Of course you miss you family, and worry in their absence, however I do believe you are getting there

Try to take your mind of things as much as you can, is there anything you really enjoy? Reading, movies? model buildings? I've no idea you might like, but having something each day to look forward to does help, as I've found.

Croix