topic Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation. in Supporting family and friends

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Thu, 10 May 2018 09:41:58 GMT

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

PamelaR — Sat, 12 May 2018 04:39:05 GMT

Hello Redhuta

I did a quick read of your other thread to see how things have been going for you before responding. I see that Dools, Quirkywords, Croix and Mish plus others have given you a lot of support since the end of last year.

It's good that you've come back to see what we have to say. He certainly sounds like he is working hard to be a good father and partner. At the same time, I understand your hesitance, especially since you've also been going through a difficult time yourself.

To be honest, I would not be rushing into just living together again. I'm not sure what some of your other supporters would have to say, but I'd suggest you try going on a few 'date nights' (just you and him) together. See how these go. Perhaps use these times as an opportunity to discuss / explore your expectations and his expectations if you were to get back together again? I wouldn't rush it. I know it will help your own depression and anxiety to have stability and security. However, I would consider the risks of previous behaviours re-emerging. It's only been 6 months. So giving it a little longer would be my personal preference.

Hope this helps. I'm sure others will pop in to give you their view.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Sat, 12 May 2018 05:45:57 GMT

Redhutta,

As soon as I read the title of this thread I thought of you .

You have been through a lot in the last 6 months and I have seen you grow in confidence.

I think this is a decision for the two of you, but I too feel not rushing into things just yet maybe a good idea. Would having him stay over from Friday night to Sunday night be feasible? I also like Pamela's idea of a date night as I assume over these last months you have not had a chance to go out out alone or to be together.

It is hard after you have improved because you are anxious that you may one relapse again. Having a support network for you both so if there are any hiccups you can talk then through. Also if he is worried about a particular thing affecting his moving back in going smoothly, you could discuss and work out ways to make it work.

Feel free to keep posting as I always like to hear how you are going.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Wed, 16 May 2018 08:13:52 GMT

Thanks so much Pamela and Quirky.

Great suggestions and we will take it very slowly which is the way we both want to do it. We have clear boundaries that we have clearly discussed and even written down to refer to at a later stage if need be. He really does find Writting an easy way to communicate these things which I have now realised is much more productive.

We are telling our daughters tonight so they will be thrilled especially after such a difficult past 6 months.

I know our relationship will be very different from now on and I hope we are able to find happiness once again.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

PamelaR — Wed, 16 May 2018 08:20:29 GMT

Hi Redhuta

Good on you. Just remember, you are STRONG!!

Come back here if you need support at any time

Kind regards

PamelaR

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Wed, 16 May 2018 09:59:38 GMT

Redhutts

I feel it is kind people like you who have gained strength and information from reaching out and doing everything to make sure you have looked after yourself and others.

I think writing things down is a help and therapy as well as putting words on paper helps sort out ones thoughts.

All the best as you face a new part of your life.

Update us any time you feel like doing so.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

MishnLinc — Thu, 17 May 2018 06:29:33 GMT

Oh Redhuta, I just logged on and seen your thread and it made me so happy for you. I am glad that you are trying to work it out. We are not there yet, although we are still trying, he is still in his share house but has told me he wants to come home soon. We have a plan in place with his pyschologist but it worries me as we havent had any sort of intimacy at all in 4 months. he has been gone 5 months. Its just hard. I would be taking it slowly as well. We have been talking about him staying in the spare room for now when my husband returns. Its a little way off though.

good luck with everything.

Mish and Linc

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Sat, 19 May 2018 10:25:20 GMT

Thanks Misch and I am hoping that you both can work towards to being together. I think its all about doing what is right for both of you. I think for us its a matter of really communicating and really being open to trying to understand each other’s perspectives. I have learned so much about myself in these last 6 months as I am sure my husband has too.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 04:16:03 GMT

Just a quick update and so far all seems well. My daughters are both seeing my psychologist because I think the separation caused them quite grief and they seem to be almost worried there will be a repeat. My psychologist says it does happen especially with children however I believe in supporting them through this transition. My husband seems much more relaxed and we take things very slowly. No intimacy as we are both still not ready and it does not worry me because its just nice to be a family again at the moment.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 04:55:36 GMT

Redhuta,

Thanks so much for your update. I really appreciate you taking time to let us know what is happening with your family.

It is good your daughters are seeing your psychologist

You are sensible being careful by taking things easy .

I am pleased you are so supportive to everyone and that you can enjoy being a family again.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 08:00:27 GMT

Just a quick update.

We are doing ok. My husband seems so much at ease these days and I know he feels glad to be home. He is still quite reserved however he has never been an over emotional person anyway so its really not anything new. We went out for a date night the other night and it was nice to chat without the kids. We have still not been intimate however I am not fussed as I have had a few health issue anyway ( I had cancer 11 years ago) so I am really exhausted due to being anemic. We are both really focusing on trying to keep fit. He is really good at helping out and has taken over all his jobs he did before he left( he always helped a lot with housework). Also it nice to have him when the kids are arguing or playing up as that is exausting so he is very supportive and takes over when they are are pushing me to my limits.He is about to start seeing his psychologist and we do take each day as it comes. We are all in a much happier place.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 11:46:49 GMT

reputation,

It is wonderful to get your updates and this latest ones is very reassuring and hopefully will give hope to couples struggling .

You have been open to suggestions and worked hard with your medical team and been there for your husband. you both have faced problems but worked through them.

I appreciate the way you have kept in touch and taken us on your journey.

Your children have two parents who enjoy each other’s company and are caring parents.

Thanks again for sharing your experience with others here.

I wish you and your family all the best on this journey.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 11:56:14 GMT

redhuta,

I thought of something I wanted to ask after I posted.

I wonder after all you have been through what is one piece of advice you would give someone where you were when you wrote your very first post.?

Just thought you would have insights that may help others struggling.

Were there things you would do differently?

Thanks again for your honesty.

Ps in my previous post, auto corect turned Redhuta to reputation in case you were wondering.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

PamelaR — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 16:04:01 GMT

Hi Redhuta

I echo Quirky’s words. So good to have you come back and update us all on how you are going. It’s also good things look like they are working for you. Wonderful.

Yes, it would be good if there’s anything you can share to help others in similar situations?

Keep up the great work!

PamelaR

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 10:16:46 GMT

I have taken a bit of time to really think about the one piece of advice I would give is to step back and give them space. I think as the partner who is supporting and especially as a woman we want to feel we are helping and letting go is not what you think of as helping but it is.
I remember my psychologist years ago telling me that in his opinion he always thought my husband needs 6 months alone to really get the time to deal with his depression. Even now I cannot understand why someone would push away someone they love but now I do understand they need to do it. Its almost like he needed to punish himself to feel better which sounds strange but its what happened. In the middle of the ordeal he would not listen or even want to see reason and if it were not for my psychologist working with me and helping me understand I would not have got through like I did.
I knew it was very important to look after myself and I also knew that regardless I would be okay and sort of came to peace with being apart permanently . I focused on my kids/work and myself and even now I realised how hard it was but I made it. Our relationship is not perfect but no one is. I compromise and so does my husband. He asked for me to understand that if he needs time away to not make him feel bad about that I now I understand and give him that breathing space. I asked for him to never loose his cool around the kids and to continue to take medication and see his psychologist and he agreed. I am sticking to my guns about that as he can get neglectful and I will never let him not take care of his mental health again.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 06:17:55 GMT

Redhuta,

Thanks so much for taking to time to think of advice to give for someone going through the same thing as you did.

I think giving space can be hard thing to do as well as have a loved one push you and their family away.

You have learnt a lot and are stronger for it. I appreciate how you were willing to share the ups, and downs, the things that were very difficult and the things that worked well.

You realised you need to look after yourself if you were to help your husband.

It is a long journey and you are still on it.

I feel you are flexible enough to try different things and try things that will help.

Thanks again for you willingness to share your life with others.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 11:27:40 GMT

Its been quite sometime since I have posted but just a quick update.

We have been back together for about 4 months now. Although we are living in a small apartment ( I signed a 12 month lease) things have been good. My husband has changed therapists and starts next week seeing one more specialised in families which I think will be good for him. There has been a couple of incidents where I know he has maybe felt himself slip into that cycle of anger ( nothing like before we separated) and I can see that conscious attempt to change his behaviour. It means the world to me as I know it will always be a constant battle but he loves me and I truly think he understands how destructive it can be not only to me but also to our children. My second daughter, the one closer to him also started to develop anxiety. I took her to my psychologist who said it was common with children who experience a break up and when parents get back together as its almost like a delayed reaction and a fear of it happening again. She has progressed very well and has learned some great coping strategies. I do find that I am very apprehensive of getting too emotionally close to my husband so as a family its all lovely but as a couple we have a lot of work to do. I am going to see about counseling too as I almost have this wall up so I know I need to work on that. I am weaning off medication as my doctor feels that now my health/iron are all in great shape I don’t need to continue. I agree and the meds were great when all was overwhelming however I now hate the fact I feel very flat. I am usually a vivacious, energetic, outgoing person and the meds almost take that “happy” away from me too. So I look forward to feeling more myself soon.

Anyway that is what is happening at the moment with me. Hope all is well with everyone.

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 22:30:19 GMT

redhutta,

Thanks for keeping us up to date with what is happening in your life.

I think it is important your husband now understands how his angry moods can affect his family and is consciously trying to change his behaviour and get help.

Also it is good that your 2nd daughter is getting help for her anxiety.

I can understand how you feel it would be a lot of work for you to feel close to your husband again.

I hope the counselling helps and the weaning of the medication goes smoothly with out side effects an sthat you are feeling more yourself soon.

Redhutta, I have always admired your honesty, your insights and your ability to share with others what you have learnt on your journey.

Quirky

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta — Thu, 11 Oct 2018 20:11:03 GMT

Thanks Quirkywords.

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is that space is key and to trust the advice that professionals give you.

I think its so hard to give someone suffering depression space because instinctively you want to comfort and almost smothered them. I leaned to look after myself and my kids and trust that ultimately things will turn out the way they are suppose too. Setting realistic boundaries is also essential. I found posting in her very comforting and therapeutic when things were very dark so I am grateful for all the support 🙂

Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

quirkywords — Thu, 11 Oct 2018 21:20:20 GMT

Redhutta,

Thanks for your reply.

It is an important lesson you have learnt to give space to someone with depression and to trust the advice of professionals.

Trusting that things will turn out well, must be so hard when things are not going well.

I am glad that posting here has helped and feel free keep us updated as your posts are helping others in a smiler position.

Quirky