Depressed partner who wont get help and doesnt want me to speak up

Miasmummy — Thu, 15 Nov 2018 23:36:09 GMT

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting so im hoping ive done so in the right place!

My fiance and i have been together for 5 years, have two beautiful children together and are due to be married soon but latley things have really changed.

He has always been a very strong headed individual, very 'my way or the highway' type personality. We had an argument a few night's ago that led to me getting upset and him rolling over to go sleep (not unusually for him to do in an argument) i asked how he could sleep knowing im so sad, because when he gets uoset it upsets me too and what he came out with was unexpected and scary. He said he's dead on the inside. He sees me upset but feels no empathy towards me. He feels weak and like a failure and struggles to get out of bed in the morning, he goes out and buys lavish things (what our argument was about) because it gives him a quick fix of happiness and when it wears off he'll do it again. If i was to get up with the kids and leave he wouldn't care. He is completely numb. These were all his words i in no way think of him like that. He has been on medication before for anxiety attacks but went off it because he didnt like the way it made him feel and refused to go back and try a different kind/dosage. He has said that he will get help and see a physiologist but will not make an appointment to get a mental helath plan and everytime i make one for him he snaps at me and wont go.

The thing is he still gets up and goes to work, will see his mates after work, will happily spend a whole day out of the house but if i ask to do one small thing as a family (take the kids to the park) he cant do it. I dont know the last time he asked me a question about myself or seemed interested in the kids. But then i hear him laughimg with mates and it is really hard not to take it personally. The other thing is he has asked me not to tell anyone and i quote 'we will have a REAL problem if he finds out i have' i dont want to be disrespectful to him in a time of need and want to help, but i need help aswell. I need support to support him and help with our kids but he doesnt see this and i can't get through to him how much this would help me instead of having to pretend to be happy family's only to go home and be ignored. I want to go behind his back and tell his friend's but i dont want him to shut down more and completely shut me out.

Any advice is welcome and so appreciated. Thankyou!

Depressed partner who wont get help and doesnt want me to speak up

Nurse_Jenn — Fri, 16 Nov 2018 08:41:00 GMT

Hi there Mia'smummy,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for reaching out during this difficult period. It would have been really difficult to hear your fiancee to be so straight forward with how he was feeling. Knowing that he needs help and acknowledges this to some degree is really positive but as he isn't quite ready to receive help, it can be really frustrating to witness. You'd just want to carry him to the appointment as you know it will make such a difference but the thing about people who need to work on their health is that you can't make them for the most past. This is similar to people who need to stop smoking or need to lose weight. People who need to see a therapist typically don't go until they are ready which is also frustrating as the sooner they go, the faster they can start healing. By saying he doesn't want anyone to know he could possibly be embarrassed by the way he is feeling and its because he trusts you, that he can behave how he really feels around you rather than superficial and casual like how he behaves with his work colleagues and mates.

My suggestion to you is to set goals that you can achieve for you. By you taking steps towards improving your own capacity and mental health, you will be stronger and better able to support you and your family. Reaching out through this forum is one way, but another might be going to your GP and explaining your situation and maybe talking to someone about the difficulties you are experiencing. Even using your GP as a support might be enough.

I also suggest to keep offering your fiancee opportunities to receive help especially since he doesn't want you talking to anyone else about how he is feeling. It can be down to the right timing and you might one day catch him when he is ready to take that appointment. Having conversations about how he is travelling when you are not arguing and when he is having a good day can also result in the conversation to open up in a more positive way.

If you ever become really concerned about your fiancee and get a bad feeling about his behaviour or mood, always go with your gut instinct and seek immediate support - you can try the beyondblue support line on 1300 22 4636 where you can talk to someone on the phone.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

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Depressed partner who wont get help and doesnt want me to speak up

Depressed partner who wont get help and doesnt want me to speak up