topic Depressed husband wanting to leave his family in Supporting family and friends

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Katie — Fri, 03 May 2013 03:07:56 GMT

Hi,

My husband has had depression for over 8yrs, during that time he has felt better stopped his tablets several times, spiralled back into the black hole of depression. At these moments he questions if he wants to be married, suggesting that he would prefer to be by himself somewhere. Once back on tablets he feels better and is 'happier' with life.

This time he is still taking his tablets but having notable mood swings, feeling flat and wanting to end our marriage and then feeling ok and trying to work things out. Communication with him is almost zero. He hates the word 'depression' and doesn't want to talk about it, preferring to try and ignore the problem.

We have been married for 20yrs with 3 kids and usually get along well. with this latest episode of depression I am seen as the enemy and the cause of his depression. He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness. I am worried that he is not thinking rationally and may regret his actions.

Guess I am not sure how I can help him, I just hope he can seek help and then make his decision with a clear head.

Just wondering if other people have experienced this sort of thing.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Rollercoaster — Tue, 07 May 2013 00:58:32 GMT

hi there, know a bit how you are feeling. Every time my husband has a downer I become the enemy!! Normally a loving relationship.Roller coaster ride is very fatiguing though. I myself am not sure I can ride much longer.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

micknheidi — Wed, 08 May 2013 03:52:20 GMT

Howdy,

I love my family but the problem is my parents seem to be negetive all the time towards other people that they know & don't know. They pull me up for being so dark but they refuse to pull themselves out when pointed out to them. They treat me like I'm a baby & can't make life choices for myself or family. We've tried talking to them countless times but it doesn't seem to work as it seems to be falling onto deaf ears. When we decide to go to the city near where they live - it seems we can't tell anyone because everyone would want a visit from us & we'd get nothing done that we wanted because of the bush telegraph. It's simpler to go to the city & tell no one that we're in town doing what we need then get the hell out of there. My partners family are good because we can catch up without the saga of the bush telegraph knowing & wanting a visit. My partner's family just goes with the flow of what is going on at the time & it's alot more relaxing seeing them than my own family. My side of the family - everyone is edgy for some reason & there is no rest for the wicket & as for my partner's side their all relaxed & going with the flow of everything which is alot better for me as I've learnt to relax with them then it's game on with my family with go go go go all the time. Not good for our daughter either because after a visit from my parents our daughter is a loonatick & doesn't listen because of the games we've tried to stop. As for my partner's family there more into no games played until you do this little job & our daughter is happy to do so. My partner's family are all great too & hardly any thing bad to say about anyone unless it's just a comment on something.

Thankyou

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Katie — Sun, 19 May 2013 07:25:56 GMT

Thanks for your comments, it is so hard. My husband has left me and the kids. I hope that he can get help and hopefully we sort things out xx

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Kip — Tue, 21 May 2013 23:34:41 GMT

Hi Katie...tricky times! Just want to send support and well wishes your way. I too have recently separated from my husband of 16 years /2 kids and its tough!

The happiness they seek will be short term at least .As my days as a single mum go on my space is getting clearer and I am also moving on! Its not ideal but sadly what in life truly is...I am now focusing on building a better home environment for my kids and rebuilding my own confidence and passion for life! All the best to you Katie and your children. xx

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Debho — Fri, 24 May 2013 06:11:49 GMT

OMG, the same thing is happening to me. We have been married for 33 years, have 4 grandchildren and 6 grandchildren. My husband has been diagnosed with Bi-polar and ADHD and has been on medication for well over 10 years.

He has recently tried to take his life twice, but has called for help. He has moved away, yet we aren't öfficially separated". I don't know what we are! He's always angry. Or crying. I am the enemy. It's my fault that he's in this situation and that we're no longer close. This is just an abbreviated rendition....there's so much more. We have been together since we were 17 and 18 and I don't want to break up. But I"m so over it all. I suffer from mild depression myself and am trying to keep things together, but I just don't think I can anymore. I'm tired of living on eggshells. When he calls I worry what his mood will be. When he comes home, the same. We still have a 14yo daughter at home and it's so hard on her.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I never would have thought 33 years ago that this is how we would be.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

The_Real_David_Charles — Sat, 25 May 2013 12:36:51 GMT

Dear Katie,

"He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness".

But he won't be living by himself. He'll be living with his usual negativity, depression, moods, endless doctor rounds and general crankyness. I believe, having done a similar move about 6 years ago, that I merely relocated all my problems whilst at the same time negated my family support. So, it was actually much worse on my own. Much, much worse. On return I was bouyed and loved.

What most mentally ill want is a release or freedom from the illness. Suicide is only one way out (and a huge % take this or at least try to) and any "freedom" with living changes is often seen as "the solution". But it's not that simple. A relationship, however worn down or stressed, still carries us through the day somehow. Even oldies constant bickering is a psuedo form of life support.

Why not be extreme ? Move to the Moon. What an isolated, extreme point of the Universe devoid of human interaction and awareness. Crazy idea. But if the Moon isn't gonna work then what is ? To isolate your choice of residence and also still be isolated with your illness..............sorry, but not much happiness there.

Adios, David.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Katie — Sun, 26 May 2013 04:12:14 GMT

Yep depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close them too.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

The_Real_David_Charles — Tue, 28 May 2013 13:48:41 GMT

Dear Katie,

But maybe the person with the depression suffers more. They get to feel guilty for inflicting such an illness on the family, are subjected to various drug treatments that may or may not work, isolate as a way of protecting the family, share drama with others that may have "heard it all before" and won't be as empathetic a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th or 20th time more, get criticised for "not getting help" when they know that "help" at some stages will be little more than a band aid, receive minalist attitudes like "Yep depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close [to] them too" and generally get misunderstood, made fun of, blamed, put out to the rest of the world as a "problem" and a huge effort and burden on the family.

Sorry, what was your arguement about family "suffering" in the same way ? There's not much happiness there for the whole unit but surely it is the person with depression that goes through the wringer. Every day. I'm not sure saying "I become the enemy !!" [Rollercoaster] is exactly helping either. I mean, if the partner has these feelings of tiring helplessness it stands to reason that the depressive sufferer would be feeling it a 100 x more.

If we were talking about cancer then the sufferer would show huge signs of woe, bear scar marks from radiation treatment, loss of hair from chemotherapy, weight loss, bowel disfunction, etc. Would all these comments about "I become the enemy !!" or "not only does the person suffer but those close to them" seem fair then ? I don't think so. The saddest part would be that even after a funeral this attitude of self aggrievement would persist. Instead of applauding a sufferer's plight and courage in the face of huge adversity a similar attitude might just say "oh, it was just as difficult to live with I can tell you - we were all victims". Really ?

But we all have different ways of coping. Twisting reality is just one of them.

Adios, David.

PS A person doesn't chose a mental illness but the family/friends can chose support. It is depression that it the enemy. (Even the Bible agrees). Just saying. I can anticipate a lot of "That's not what I meant" responses but, really, when someone needs help why do others feel left out. It's a bit selfish.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Katie — Wed, 29 May 2013 04:34:58 GMT

Don't anticipate anything, this is how I feel and each person's journey is different.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

The_Real_David_Charles — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 06:06:36 GMT

Dear Katie,

My anticipation of your response being "That's not what I meant" seems very similar to your actual response of "each person's journey is different". Just saying.

Adios, David.

PS I did another post called "Brief guide to partners of depressive partners" which is in the Community Board section just cobbling together common questions.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Kip — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 02:04:35 GMT

Dear Katie and David..

I think it needs to be noted this is Katie's story and support page.

Katie has lived with a depressed husband for many years and is obviously just looking for some clarity and support through a very difficult time.

Katie's comments I believe come from a very supportive spouse who is trying to help and support her husband and keep her family together under really challenging circumstances. Trying to reason with the unreasonable!

David I believe you have missed the point!

Katie your story is shared by many of us ( see the post My Bipolar husband) you are not alone and you need support and encouragement ...you also have a right to this just as much (In my opinion even more but that is coming from a fellow long suffering spouse 😉 !!) as your husband has the right to treatment,help and support if he would access it.

A wise friend said to me "one day .....will apologise to you for the way he has treated you and hurtful things he has said but for now (until he has a degree of wellness) he is not able ".

Wishing you and your children all the very best.

Kind regards

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

The_Real_David_Charles — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 05:02:33 GMT

Dear Kip,

I think these arguements about "missing the point" are a little bit sterile when treating yourself or you partner as "the enemy" is the logic. Surely it is the depression that is in need of support or can be viewed as the enemy ?

There are moderators on the site. Why attempt your own version of controlling a post ? The site has to breathe with discussion to be an Online Forum. If there is a "right" to support and encourage husband and wife then there is an equal "right" for long term depression sufferers like myself to add their experienced responses and unearth any unrealistic expectations. When I cross the line of tolerance my posts get disallowed. So far, with this post, all I have done is disagree as I know that placing too much pressure on a depressed husband is the worst thing you could do. Expecting an apology from someone that didn't chose to get ill seems very far fetched. Like saying sorry to the car that knocked you down accidentally.

I'd say the point hit home. It's not all about the sufferer's partner. It's just about depression. As you say, something unreasonable. What's new ?

Adios, David.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Kip — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 01:51:22 GMT

Hi David ...thanks for your post.

It is good to try and understand things from the depressed persons view so thank you for sharing.

I guess an apology from my husband could be viewed as perhaps unnecessary or unrealistic but it hurts so much. If words like that were shared between a couple (without the complication of depression added in) surely the first step to a reconciliation would be an apology but as you do point out its unrealistic in this setting, but it still hurts!

I think an apology or just an acknowledgement of my hurting would be enough to keep me going at times as well..

I guess that's what carers support is all about, getting that acknowledgement from a different source that yes the carer is hurting badly at times too!

I think I really wanted to acknowledge Katie and her efforts without adding any additional hurt. Obviously Katie and I are both working hard to understand this illness or we wouldn't be here looking for answers.

I certainly didn't mean to offend you personally just wanted to support and offer some empathy to Katie from someone experiencing a very similar thing.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

The_Real_David_Charles — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 06:18:16 GMT

Dear Kip & Katie,

The Depression Section has a bunch or Archives. One thread in particular covered a lot of the depressed husband / blameless wife scenario. You could check it out if you have time.

It's called "My Husband" and has over 100 posts. From memory there were 3 wives involved, I did some responding with others, but it really ran for ages and covered a lot. Including a split up. The hurt and anguish over depressive husbands was done to the max ! I think at one point I mentioned it would be a real classic discussion to view in later years.

You are right about an apology needed if the situation has become physical. Emotional abuse is pretty hard to get to grips with during mental illness but I think you're also right that the carer / carer's support needs to be acknowledged.

I still seek acknowledgement if I've cut the grass ! But for me it's a big deal cos I was shot in the leg last year. Saved a friend from hanging himself and there were other problems. His thanks was a bit misdirected, so to speak. Just now and again it flares up, like depression.

Adios, David.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

geoff — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 19:55:56 GMT

dear Katie, I'm so sorry that he has left you and the kids..

When I was depressed I wanted to leave and be by myself and go and stay in a caravan, I thought that this would be great, but my ex and sons said that all I wanted to do was to drink alcohol all day, this put a shockwave through me especially when my two sons said it, so I didn't go. I could have been dangerous if I had, and by saying this I am referring to your husband.

How true you are when you say 'depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close to them too'

It's certainly not the intention for us with depression for this to happen, it's just the way it turns out to be, but as David Charles has said ' we all have different ways of coping' and that's exactly right. My youngest son would go for long runs, and again from his comment '"each person's journey is different".

I am just concerned as to whether you know where your husband is, and whether he is taking his medication as well as seeing his doctor etc., and whether you have daily contact with him, or can talk to him at a moments notice. L Geoff. x

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

kelly — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 07:04:42 GMT

Ah, Katie. It's a good thing to vent. I can't imagine what you must be going through. It is tempting for lots of people with depression to go and hide under a rock. Somewhere in your husband's mind, he must know your strength. Even though his personal battle is immense, somewhere in there I bet he thinks you can manage without him. This may not be true, or helpful, but when I want to run off and hide, or worse, my husband's strength is always forefront in my mind. We've never experienced the blame game, to any significant degree, so I'm not sure this is relevant. Hope you're able to maintain your strength through these trying times.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

Queenie — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 02:24:53 GMT

Hi Katie. How have things turned out for you? I am in a similar circumstance with my depressed husband recently leaving our home (because I asked him to because things were getting so bad.) I hope you are coping and everything turned out for you both.

Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

flissa99 — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 06:55:29 GMT

Hi Katie

I wish you all the best, living with a partner with depression is very hard and sometimes very lonely, I find it also confusing as sometimes you cant get anything right. living with this can be so hard on the caring partner and we sometimes forget to look after ourselves, at least take the time to get your strength back and I hope everything works out for you.

Jeanette