topic Supporting somebody who lost best friend in Supporting family and friends

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Wed, 31 Oct 2018 14:44:00 GMT

Hello everyone.
When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ‘manual’. So why am i writing here really? I dont really know. Maybe i wanna just get it off the chest, maybe i want people who may understand me and relate to me to read it. They say ‘problem shared is problem halved’. So let me jump to my story.
Somebody close to me lost his best friend around 8 weeks ago in tragic circumstances (got shot to death) To add to that around 2 months prior to that he lost his beloved dog. That was kind if dog that was with him when he had episode of depression earlier this year. That dog battled cancer this year ( that was partially reason if that depression) When his dog was dying he said that ‘he cant live without her (dog)’ and that he will kill himself if something happens to her. So we basically can say within few weeks he lost his 2 best friends. After his dog died he wasnt really doing well, withdrawing himself, he actually had to move back to parents as couldnt stand living at his place without his dog. Now back to his friends death. After that happened he completely cut himself off. Then he told me what happened. Since then we only exchanged few messages. Last time he responded was 3 weeks ago and told me that he doesnt want anyone close to him these days. When he explained me what happened he said that he feels nothing matters, loving and caring doesnt matter anymore, that he sees future as blank space. And when his dog died he told me that after what happened he was afraid of getting attached to me (because of pain of losing).
So now after losing his friend i guess he is sinking into depression. So its not only grief hes dealing with but depression. As probably that loss opened so unhealed wounds from the past. Without going into too many details i can say he was different from other kids at school. And because of that he was bullied and beaten. He lost few friends back then because of that. So i can see and i guess that feeling of losing is coming again to surface.
And because of the circumstances of his friend death he may be struggling with PTSD as well. So i dont really know what im majorly dealing with here. Grief, depression, PTSD, anxiety? Mix of all? Thank you for reading. Feels better to be able to share it with people who may understand and can relate.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Thu, 01 Nov 2018 09:43:03 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee~

I tend to tell people there is no manual, however that is normally so they can see that it is a situation in which everyone struggles, and the the right answers for one are not right for another.

It does not mean there is nothing that is helpful, it means you have to feel your way -and be prepared to accept that you may make mistakes, which is OK.

As you say you do not know what you are dealing with, however that is the job of a professional. A friend in a violent death can have far-reaching effects, as does simple loss and grief. Being bullied can leave huge effects too.

So I guess one thing that you should bear in mind is that your friend should be seeking professional support - seeing his doctor for a start - and that whatever can be done to encourage this is good. It may be his parents or someone else he takes notice of are the ones to help here, then again it may be you.

How much you attempt contact has no right answer, it could vary from day to day. Your instinct is all you have. As a general rule if it was me I'd not try to talk about anything heavy (unless your friend says he wants to of course) but try to find things that you both would normally enjoy.

Are there things you could do? From listening to a new song to going to the pub to visiting a friend to watching a show on ... well you would know best. The idea being to remind your friend of good times, get him to start to look forward to events.

If he says he does not want to get too attached don't argue or protest, just say OK and do what you intended anyway..

Frankly I'm guessing.

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Thu, 01 Nov 2018 11:57:05 GMT

Thank you Croix for the response. It actually makes me touched that somebody invests time and effort to answer some stranger. I really really appreciate it.

Few more explanations to my previous post since as i said i had to cut it down and it exceeded the limit.
We were in distance relationship and it was still very fresh, just 5 months since we met online. So unfortunately i cannot physically spend time or visit him. He also doesnt want to talk to me right now ( which i understand and try to not be too hurt about it). He doesnt respond, unless i ‘push him’ like i did few times in the future before i started understanding the problem.

Since he told me he doesnt want anyone close to him now im trying to give as much space as possible, but still i feel like i need to check up with him every few days. So i just write him ( like ive noticed most people in similar situation) that im here for him, im not going anywhere, im not gonna let him go etc.

I just wonder whether sending him song, or book recommendation would be too much? I guess at this stage is mostly grief hes dealing with as its still very early stages. I dont know how person who is grieving would respond to such messages. I dont want to come across as insensitive. I mean like that he lost his best friend and im sending him song or book or video clip ( none is related to death or depression they are just things i believe he would find interesting and enjoy them normally). I dont want him to perceive that as me ignoring his loss and wanting him to move on and start enjoying things he used to.

As for doctor thats out of my hands now. I cannot bring this issue with him atm as im sure it will make him shut more and wont give any results anyway at this point. But i know that somewhere down the line he will have to to that. I read somewhere that doctor/ therapist wont even consider therapy / medication unless its been over 6 months post loss. As untill then its still considered normal uncomplicated grief.

As for now im trying to focus on myself. Its just so hard ‘hanging’ inbetween, not knowing what the result will be etc. I love him and i know he loves me too ( or he did) so i dont want to let him go, but then it hurts thinking that i may spend all this time commiting myself to him and because of the circumstances he will decide that we need to go separate ways.

Thank you again.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Fri, 02 Nov 2018 12:56:04 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee~

It is a very hard time and I hope that you have your own support, it makes a world of difference not struggling on in isolation.

While not a doctor I would suspect if someone has a history of depression then it may well be appropriate to treat, taking the grief and the condition together, I guess he would have to ask his doctor.

As for seeming insensitive, I think that is highly unlikely. He may not wish to play a song, or read a book at the moment, however that does not mean he is blind to intent. Provided you do not overwhelm him with too much to quickly I would guess it would do good, at least he knows you are taking the trouble to try.

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Wed, 07 Nov 2018 10:22:09 GMT

Thank you for your response and sorry i went quiet. Was reading quite a lot of forum and made me very depressed so had to take a break. My own black dog started acting out too.
Now im back and im hoping to contribute to the forum more since i’ve been dealing with episodes of depression and anxiety and loads of other things too.

Back to my issue though. Still contact is almost non existent, however i sent him video last week, then i wrote him few sentences ( that im with him etc). He sent me song too. Its very sad, heartbreaking song, about losing loved ones.
Next day I messaged him again explaining( yet again) that if i go quiet for a while its not that give up on him, but im simply giving him space.
Next morning he answer that he would completely understand if i do ( give up on him)
Its just breaking my heart that he seems to be suffering so much and i cannot help him, nobody really can.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Wed, 07 Nov 2018 11:18:24 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee~

You may be doing more good than you realize. It is just about impossible to gauge how much we can affect someone else in this sort of situation. I'm speaking from personal experience.

A family member's partner died very young (30's) due to cancer. I spoke to the grief-stricken spouse on the phone every day for a couple of months. Sometimes more than once.

It was a terrible time, I'd dread the phone ringing, felt helpless, tongue-tied and a failure at giving comfort. I tried everything from sympathy to jokes.

Some years later that person told me how much of a difference those calls had made, in fact the difference between life and death. I was amazed.

So there is communication between you, even a song. OK it is a sad one, not surprising, but it is something. Do you think it might be a good idea to simply ignore his references to you giving up on him and concentrate both you minds elsewhere?

We have talked about your friend, now how about you, what support, medical and personal do you have to tide you though this time?

Reading this place is not easy, in fact you have to read between the lines. We have an awful lot of people who come here in distress, and that is more of a concentration than you get elsewhere. Add to that a person many be here for quite a long time wrestling wiht their problems, then depart as they improve. There is no 'equal time' for the happier experiences.

I have a thread called

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Its a bit like a bank, withdrawals and deposits equally welcome, a hedge against future dark times. Have a look if you like.

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 09:53:01 GMT

The hardest part in all that for me is outside world and their opinion / advice. As i mentioned before i believe some of people we know are not even aware what happened as he didnt tell them. Others who know, dont seem to understand. For example just had conv with my dad who asked me about him. Told him, that not really much change. My dad thinks its must be convenient for him to keep the contact that sparse and that he doesnt care about me. It really not only hurts me, but obv puts doubts in my mind and is fuel to my anxiety.
Im really trying hard to work hard on my issues. I mean i have been past few months but for last few days i feel im just slipping back. Because of my awareness of my issues, trying the mindfulness, now it feels different. Its not so dark and anxious and helpless. It doesnt feel like internal pain so much. Its more like peaceful sadness and nostalgia and feeling of giving in to whatever is happening ( or even more like giving up).

Thats how im feeling recently. Like damn, i cannot go like this for weeks, months. I just wanna give up. I miss him so so much. I miss messaging with him, talking on the phone, hearing his laughter. So many more things i wanna know about him, have so many questions. Im thinking about him 80% of the day. Sharing things with him in my mind, talking to him in my head. There is no solution for missing somebody really.

And when they give you a bit of that feedback like he did with the song and the message about giving up on him you start having hopes that the communication will get slowly restored. You start having flashbacks, start feeling a bit of that connection again, start remembering of conversations you had and start having expectations. And those expectations are obv not met.

Im trying to focus on present as much as possible, working on mindfulness, its so hard, nearly impossible. My mind constantly wanders off all the time.

I had a look in the thread you mentioned, but to be completely honest reading/ thinking of memories from past gives me big feeling of nostalgia.
But generally thank you for directing me to ‘staying well’ sub forum, had little read there.

I also got back to playing piano again, going to gym. Those are things im trying to do to keep myself grounded in the present. But i feel they are merely distractions.

Sorry for rambling, im just very emotional and sad recently.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 07:00:17 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee~

First off I don't think your dad's comments were at all helpful. They made your friend sound calculating, and from what you say I very much doubt that is the case. As for others, there is a saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes before being able to understand.

8 weeks since the death of a close friend is not long at all, so making any form of judgment based upon the amount of time that has passed has a good chance of being wrong.

Trying to live though all this with no end in sight is very hard, my heart goes out to you.

You of course are grieving too, as well as worrying the relationship might be finishing. Going to the gym and resuming your piano playing are excellent and sensible things to do. You can call them 'distractions' or 'coping mechanisms', they can still be a help, irrespective of the label you use.

Are there other things you might be able to do to that are enjoyable?

Talking of mindfulness, I'm hopeless unassisted and use a free smartphone app called 'Smiling Mind'. Takes a fair bit of practice but I find it a great help, then again that's just me.

Of course there is no need to apologize, you are hurting and talk about it, which is natural and human - and healthy. Please feel relaxed enough with being here to say whatever you wish, it will be fine.

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 22:43:00 GMT

Thank you.

I thought my thread died, but as i sit and read on ‘staying well’ subforum i keep coming and checking every now and then. Takes a while to get used to all of the forum and get familiar with all of it.

I will say that your reply made me genuinely feel better for a while, so thank you again.

I also came across another forum, there is loads of threads similar to mine. One is pages and pages long of people who went through same. Someones close relative/ friend died and they push their partner away. Sometimes they try to get back but they eventually break up either because they feel they are burden to their boyfriend/ girlfriend and they are not worthy of them, or they simply turned cold and dont love them anymore.
I feel i lost hope. It may be just phase though. Im not giving up on him, im not moving on. But im falling apart. Its the most indescribable pain when somebody you love is suffering and you cannot help them.
Now im blaming myself for letting him love me. For coming into his life. No, it wouldnt prevent his friend dying i know. But maybe would make things easier for him if i wasnt in his life.
What i cruel and horrible world that is. How we are supposed to live knowing that something horrible can hide behind every corner. That any second we can lose our loved ones.

I dont want to enjoy life anymore. Now i feel like im going back to that dark, but comfortable place where only death is an answer. No im not suicidal, i never was and never will i guess. I just cant wait for this life to end. Cant wait for all this wordy pain and suffering to end. After death it will be peaceful and safe. Finally.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Sun, 11 Nov 2018 12:02:41 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee!

First this forum is not like a on-line chat. It takes time for people to respond. I try to log on once a day, but sometimes cannot make it, so my replies are slow, many others are in the same boat. It is no reflection on you or the importance of what you have to say.

The second thing is I genuinely think your ideas are getting off-track. I can see myself in the sorts of self-blame things you are saying. I thought like that when depression was taking over and doing my thinking for me, and doing it so subtly I did not realize. I thought all the ideas were mine - and logical

May I suggest you see your GP and say how you feel? It can seem a big step, however life can be an awful lot better than wanting it to end. True no one can make your friend suddenly return to how he was, but it is something that does happen with the right support.

To think you should not have come into someone's life is just plain wrong, and as I mentioned before you are not realizing the help you are being just by being there. Humans need human contact.

Peace, safety and enjoyment are all very much here in life. I've been steered towards them and you can be too.

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 10:22:05 GMT

Im really sorry if i came across like im expecting immediate answer. That was not my intention at all. Quite the opposite. I was surprised that you still bother replying to me. I understand its just forum and there is loads of threads and people have their lives too.

I was actually thinking about seeing gp. I dont personally think antidepressants are right answer for me but i will ask for them. I just want something to numb, to not feel.
I cannot go on like that as i feel im just going down and down.

Regarding my friend. Im getting so hurt recently getting all that feedback from others. There is like a group chat which im not on but he is and friend sent me screen shot. He ( my friend- ex partner, whatever you wanna call it) was there just talking and acting normally. And then there is that other activity/ game we used to do together. But then soon before all those bad things happened we decided to quit. He is back to doing that recently. Im trying to not take it personal, i know its not about me, may have nothing to do with me. He may be just trying to distract himself etc. But it still hurts. Makes me feel like i dont matter if he is doing those things without me. Without telling me. It makes me want to act crazy. It makes me want to tell him im stepping back. But i know i will regret it if i do. And i promised him so so many times i wont give up on him. So i dont want to break that promise just because of my sick mind flooded by anxiety. I just want my mind to shut up. All those thoughts to leave me alone. Let me be.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

Croix — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 11:14:49 GMT

Dear AnnabelLee~

Some people find the gap between post and answer is a worry, I simply did not want you to feel abandoned, which is why I explained - OK?

If your ex is seeming to behave normally on social media it really could mean anything, and your idea of distraction could well be true.

What is also true is that constantly not knowing where you are takes a very heavy toll. As you say thinking about the relationship and him 80% of the time is a great pressure. Although it might seem impossible I would think you need to draw some barriers, have some distance in which to try to enjoy a normal life.

Thar is why I thought your resuming the piano and the gym were pretty good. The more balance you can get between his situation and the ordinary things in your life the better. Maybe seeing a GP or getting face-to-face counseling might be a good idea.

Do you think rather than having this open ended situation it might be worth thinking about a time-limit to aim for? Irrespective of the background circumstances nobody can go on forever in this sort of situation.

Croix

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 17:52:12 GMT

Thank you

What i need to do at the moment i believe is to find a way and strenght to withdraw myself from that for few days, maybe even weeks. Not make any decisions, not think about the outcome, just ‘ put it on the shelf’ for now. Question is how to keep my mind from constant wondering and thinking.

I actually prefer feeling depressed rather than anxious. As with depression im passive, helpless. When anxiety takes over i wanna act on it, i wanna challenge. I wanna sabotage things.

My fear of abandonment is kicking really badly. Im panicking that he is ‘brewing’ some bad news and just doesnt have guts to drop that bomb yet.

And thats how i feel right now. I literally wanna write him foul things, accuse him that he doesnt care, he doesnt make effort.
I wanna shake him, make him realise how much harm he is doing. Or just make him realise that im not gonna put up with his possible sh... if thats the case.
Or just write him that im out for a bit and not gonna write him for a while. My fear is that it could be confirmation for him of how he feels about himself. That he failed me and im giving up. We know how depression makes you feel about yourself. At least i know how it made ME feel. Very often i wanted to sabotage things not so much to test them but more like to prove that inner critic that its right. Nothing works for me and im a failure.

And thats why i believe i need to step back now rather than make any decisions. Or make any time limit. Which i dont want to make. As a codependent person I never want to make decisions anyway.
I need to stop trying to find answers. Why he cant even write to me, why is it taking so long, whats in his head, shall i get in touch with him every few days or leave him alone for a while.
I just genuinely wish he guided me. Whether he would prefer me to completely leave him alone for days or maybe messaging him every few days is ok and that makes him feel better. He just cannot find strength to reply and get into contact with me. It upsets me as it would make things so much easier for both of us.

Thats my ‘homework’ for next few days. Gather all my strength to step back for a while. Find something to keep me occupied both mentally and physically.

Thank you again for putting up with my rambling.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

smallwolf — Tue, 13 Nov 2018 11:13:15 GMT

AnnabelLee,

Hi. I read much of your story, about your best friend lost his friends, and now not responding to you. I doubt very much you are a failure either as you mentioned in your last post. That is your mind playing tricks on you?

How did you feel after your last post? It sounds like you are hurt by his lack of replies. Was their any anger or perhaps frustration in that post about how this makes you feel?

Writing can be helpful and therapeutic. A way of getting the thoughts out of your head, and put them somewhere else.

My son had/has a friend who suffers from depression as well. I really should not go into too much detail, but he also stopped responding messages from my son. Why? Difficult to say. But when we depressed we might close off from others. I have done this also. The thing is, rather than closing off from the world and feeling worse about ourselves, we should engage with others who might be able to the help us out of the abyss.

And then if you do reach out to someone offering or asking for help, why dont they reply? I have friends that will reply immediately, and other that take days to reply. After a while I get used to it. But in some area i am very time conscience. But that was probably related to my upbringing also.

But the questions you posed above, might best be directed at him. If you ask him whether to leave him alone for a few days, and no reply, you could treat that as a yes. But you can tell him how you feel, and still show some empathy for his situation. Can you set a time limit on these things? That I cannot answer.

Tim

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Wed, 14 Nov 2018 14:24:38 GMT

Hello and thank you for response.

Yeah you are very right. When i was writing my previous post my anxiety was talking for me.
I trust him and believe him that all his feelings are genuine, that he is not mean and careless. Problem is that my anxiety doesnt trust him. My anxiety will create whole background story from tiniest thing. Its just then when i think of things rationally i realise that i was overreacting. Everyone who has/ had anxiety knows how it works.

I am aware that people who are depressed quite often cut others off. I saw it many times in threads both here and all over internet. But what hurts me is that he pushes me away ( and probably other close people too as he told me at the very beginning that he didnt talk to his parents for a week), yet for other people, strangers, colleagues whatever you want to call them, but basically people who he doesnt have emotional bond with he is normal. Again i know it happens often, there is even logical explanation for that but it still hurts. It still fuels my insecurities that he doesnt really care about me if he can not talk normally to others but not to me.

I dont really know how to tell him about my feelings without creating feeling of guilt in him. I dont want him to feel that his behaviour is causing me distress. Because i guess there is not much he can do about it. That may put even more pressure on him and create vicious circle. So i just act strong and show him that im always gonna be his rock when he needs it.

So far im feeling bit better, hopefully its gonna stay this way at least for a while.

Thank you 🙂

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

smallwolf — Wed, 14 Nov 2018 21:56:27 GMT

AnnabelLee,

I know what I will say will be in a different category, but there are two instances where I had to tell someone what was happening to me. One was with my boss at work, and the other was with my wife. In both cases I did not really want to tell them, probably because the person I am is different to how they saw me. That and the frustration that I know/knew the thoughts I have are irrational. But in the end, I did have these conversations and felt better for it, like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. You said you feared that telling him would cause guilt in him. Maybe you could write down what you want to say on paper first. Then read it as if you were the person listening? How would you react? And you might have to the refine what you want to say? It sounds like what you want to say to him comes from deep concern, compassion and love for him.

As for him being able to talk to strangers, that is the easy part, as for that moment you are focused on something else. I sometimes wish I could talk to my wife the same way as I do with my psychologist, but that is a work in progress.

You recent posts have mentioned anxiety... have you had a chance to look at any of the threads here on grounding or mindfulness? Or you might want to the look at guided meditations as a way of stopping those thoughts from circling around in your mind. Different people use different tools, and what works for me, might might work for you. I also have prayer beads (you can call them worry beads) if I need something to hold onto to in times when things on my phone dont help. There is also a new thread on the forums about books to help with anxiety and depression. If you cannot find these, let me know.

Tim

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Tue, 20 Nov 2018 17:07:35 GMT

Thank you

I stepped back a bit as past few days were really ups and downs for me. Started madications last week and for a while i thought they were making me worse, but maybe it will even out in a bit.
Started having moments when ive noticed that things that i used to love doing, they were actually my distraction, my filling the internal void, i didn’t enjoy doing recently. Im going to sleep early as im tired and not really bothered to do anything. Yet i dont feel depressed, more like withdrawn. Maybe I just need such break. Im just worried that slowly slowly i will start isolating myself as it will take time and be a process i wont really see it happening.

Im not sure whether i can post a link here but i watched this video recently and it’s really good. Not only it reminds us of importance of not constantly looking after others. But also explains the relation between mind and body.

https://youtu.be/c6IL8WVyMMs

And yes im working on mindfulness. I also downloaded ‘moodnotes’ sb mentioned in one of the threads ( dont rememeber which one). Problem is when i get into that ‘mood’ its like im hypnosed and i dont wanna come out of it. Somehow i love that low, miserable feeling.

Just wanna finish with lyrics of Portishead song:

Better if I could find the words to say
Whenever I take a choice it turns away
I'm worn, tired of my mind
I'm worn out, thinking of why
I'm always so unsure
I battle my thoughts I find I can't explain
I've traveled so far but somehow feel the same

Hope everyone can find their inner peace. Im still pursuing mine.

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 10:36:35 GMT

Im sorry im bothering you guys again.

I need advice. I came across opinion yesterday that contacting person who pushed you away is like not respecting their wish. It wasn’t in regards to my particular situation, more like in grief related break up generally.

It messed with my head i wont lie. As now i feel like I disrespected him by keeping in touch with him. Im questioning myself whether I made mistake. Not in the sense that i could have done something to prevent current situation. More like mistake as done something that could hurt him.

In my defence i can say that i asked him multiple times whether my writing bothers him, and if so he needs to let me know, because i never want to cause him any discomfort. Bc I don’t know how much space he actually needs. I followed by saying that otherwise i will just carry on like i have been so far ( txt every few days). He didnt answer/ say anything so i assumed it doesnt bother him. Bc he’d tell me, let me know or even block me if he’s unable to tell me. But now obviously im beating myself. Maybe he’s just unable to tell me. Maybe he doesn’t care ( not in mean, viscous way, more like he just doesn’t feel like he can relate right now). Maybe my writing just pushes him away more as it puts pressure on him ( most of times i just write how much i care, that im here, sometimes share song etc)

Even when he told me couple of weeks ago that he doesnt want anyone close to him right now and ask me to ‘ please try to understand ‘ it sounded more like ‘i need space now’ not like ‘get away from my life for good’. Same when he referred to me giving up on him ( said he’d understand if i do give up on him) he could just simply say just to give up on him, let him go etc. It’s all about wording for me, or maybe I’m just trying to read too much into it and between the lines.

I’m really sorry. I feel im sounding crazy. But thats how i feel right now. I was in such peaceful and good, calm place for past few days. Letting things happen and focusing on myself. But this now. It made my crumble. This and some other life problems im having right now made me feel like there’s literally no light at the end of the tunnel. Like there’s none.

I know im being clingy now. Behaving crazy. Im aware of that but i cannot help it. Im sorry if this post is messy. Im still struggling focusing and articulating my thoughts.

So please again. Can somebody give me their opinion? Was i really disrespectful towards his wish to be left alone?

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

smallwolf — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 11:05:19 GMT

AnnabelLee,

Hello again. Clingy? or Caring? Did he push you away? Or was be just asking for space?

It is fine line when somebody says that want space or want to be alone. I don't think there are any right or wrong answers here.How much time is needed when none is specified? And I also think that you answered the question yourself in your post when you said

"he needs to let me know, because i never want to cause him any discomfort. Bc I don’t know how much space he actually needs."

Without know what you are posting to him it could be a concerned friend reaching out to help the other. And if that were intent, you should have nothing to worry about.

Other than this matter, how are you going otherwise? And you are not bothering anyone here. 🙂

Peace and blessings,

Tim

Supporting somebody who lost best friend

AnnabelLee — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 13:34:22 GMT

Hello Tim

Wow thats such a speedy response. Im surprised and really grateful.

How am i doing. Hmm. I was doing well. I think i passed that first days of meds when they made me worse so started feeling much better. Was really getting to the point of trusting fate. Whats meant to be, will be.
Was feeling much more powerful about myself, started loving and accepting myself rather than feeling that im a failure.

Im reading book ‘The Worry trick. How your brain tricks you into expecting the worst and what can you do about it’. So i was doing pretty good, apart from few slips here and there. Trying to pick hobbies i used to enjoy years back. But tbh i feel like im just going in circles, cannot settle on anything. Trying to find something to keep me busy and occupied. But they work just for a while before i ‘get bored’ and need to move to the next thing. Just to come back again and again.

Just recently i also have quite a lot of stress in my own life regarding housing. Im in lets say unstable position that i dont know whats gonna happen in the future. And thats very much the consequences of my previous actions.

What do i write him. I do write him about my doubts regarding how to approach him ( but its not in pushy or insensitive way. Just letting him know that im trying to trust my intuition but dont know whats really the right way to do so im sorry if i did anything wrong). I write him sometimes simply that i love him ( again not put pressure on him or expecting anything, just to reassure him that i care and im here for him). Sometimes a song or a quote. Since the last (about 2 months ago) and only time i asked him whether he cares about me and whats between us and he said he doesnt want anyone close now i do not ask about those things, don’t question, dont push.

He changed his WhatsApp picture into most recent one. And seeing him absolutely breaks my heart. It opens the wound and shreds my soul into billions of pieces. And i feel the anxiety tapping on my shoulder. Telling me ‘ you see, he doesnt care about you, he moved on and living his life perfectly happily without you around’. Yeah i know. Changing picture doesnt mean anything.

I really dont know what to do with myself.

Thank you for reading my rambling, answering and being here for me. I really really value that.