topic Trying to help my brother in Supporting family and friends

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 06:37:51 GMT

Hi all

New to this. While away over Xmas found out my bro had ice induced phycosis and did some bad stuff. locked up now waiting to go to court. It’s made me very sad for him, he’s a great bloke who makes some wrong choices a long the way. I feel helpless. I’m so scared for him. Not allowed contact with him as yet, tho I have tried.

Trying to help my brother

therising — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 08:20:01 GMT

Hi Leigh.A

So sorry to hear of the pain and distress such a drug has caused. The outcome on this occasion sounds overwhelming. With such a feeling of helplessness, it can pay to look at the situation in a way where you can break things down a little. Managing stage by stage throughout this process will perhaps give you more of a feeling of control. Seeking guidance from others who know how the process works (legal folk, police etc) will help with the management aspect. When a particular challenge is new to us, guidance makes a big difference in regard to how we navigate our way through it.

I hope everything works out for your brother, your self and others who have been impacted by this event. Your brother is lucky to have you in his corner.

Take care Leigh.A

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 08:55:29 GMT

Thanks for the support therising. i don’t want this to be about me, but things are really getting to me atm. I’m usually the one family members turn to when in trouble, but I fear I’m going to break soon. Been one of the toughest years of my life. My mum has been battling cancer for 7 months, my wife recently found out she had cancer, confident we’ll beat it tho. Now my brother in MAP, waiting to go to court, then probably jail. Trying to stay strong, with a young family I have to. Thanks for the response once again

Trying to help my brother

Croix — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 11:39:22 GMT

Dear Leigh.A~

I'd like to join Therising in welcoming you here and echo the good sense in that answer. I'm afraid at this stage it should indeed be about you. I can see your responsibilities weight heavily on you, however none of the things you mentioned are matters which you have much control over, which I guess in some ways simply makes it worse.

Your brother has serious problems, legal and medical due to ICE and its effects. I suppose you could hire a lawyer for him if you can afford one, and see if he can be put in a rehab situation. Do you think this is an option?

With your mum, who I'd imagine has been affected by your brother's situation I guess there is simply talk and company. I've found that even when one has nothing to say that will make any actual change just presence makes a big difference. Actuality I hope it will work both ways, with your mum supporting you in return. I've no idea of her condition of course, but perhaps she might be well enough. Does she have any other family too?

The same applies to your wife, you are not alone.

Please try to look after yourself, this is basic common sense, good nutrition, moderate exercise and as good a quality sleep as you can achieve. With your young family is there anyone to give a hand to you and your wife? Even a little time out can make a difference.

If for a little while each day you can do something to take your mind away from hassles that would be excellent. I'd think you may not have that much time to yourself, but even a little can help restore perspective and energy. I use books or movies and it does help. I listen to audio-books when traveling and that makes for something to look forward to each day.

Croix

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 13:07:49 GMT

Thanks for taking the time in giving me some advice Croix. Greatly appreciated. Mum lives 5 hrs away, my sister is an hour away from her and helps her out a lot. We don’t have a great deal of money to afford a top lawyer. Don’t even know what he’s done yet, but assuming it’s not great. As for my little family and wife, yes we do get a bit of support from my wife’s siblings, they try as much as they can. I work 2 jobs, so every minute of every day is almost accounted for. I really do appreciate the support so far on here, it’s great to be able to just chat with anyone who is willing to take the time to read. If only my brother would use this, things may not have gotten to this stage

Trying to help my brother

Croix — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 13:46:50 GMT

Dear Leigh~

People respond here because they have faced hard times and know the value of help, or simply not being alone, so you are very welcome.

I guess I've been trying to say life is a team effort. At one stage I thought I had ultimate responsibility for my family, and other things. The one who needs to keep going, is depended on. Illness changed that and I found others as strong or stronger, and in some ways more able.

So it is OK to feel overwhelmed and look to others at times.

Those that are ill do not always take kindly to having their roles reduced, the illness is bad enough, but to have taken away the ability to support just because they are ill is bad for everyone - does that make any sort of sense?

I'd not suggest a top of the range layer, there are many that specialize in lower court and applying for rehab is often done. Still you can only do what you can, as you say your brother made his decisions, which sadly were not wise.

I'm very glad your sister is there for your mum and your wife's family is there for the both of you, trying to deal with all this on your own is very hard indeed.

Croix

Trying to help my brother

Croix — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 14:00:34 GMT

Dear Leigh~

People here have been though adversity and know the value of help, or simply not being alone, so you are very welcome.

I guess what I've been trying to say is that life is a team effort, and one can burn out if one tries to shoulder too much unnecessarily. At one stage I followed the standards of my upbringing and felt I had the overall responsibility for my family - plus other things. I felt I was the one that had to keep going, the one relied upon.

Illness taught me different, I found others were as strong and capable, and often more able.

So it is OK to feel overwhelmed at times and seek support yourself.

I'd not suggest a particularity expensive lawyer, there are many that practice in the lower courts and seeking rehab is not unusual. I guess you can only do what you can. As you said your brother made his decisions, sadly not wise ones.

I'm very glad your sister is there for your mum, and your wife's family supports the two of you and the children. Trying to battle though all this alone would be terribly hard.

Croix

Trying to help my brother

therising — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 16:23:15 GMT

Hi Leigh.A

You mention 'I don't want this to be about me'. It is about you. Whilst we tend to the many relationships we have with others, we often forget about the relationship we have with our self. The relationship we have with our body, mind and spirit (aka overall connection to this world), can often cease becoming a priority when our focus shifts. We can be left feeling drained of energy in all 3 aspects of our self.

You sound so incredibly challenged at the moment, which is completely understandable given all that you're facing. On top of it, you're working 2 jobs. My heart goes out to you so very much. Sounds like you have a great network of carers around you. It would pay for you to personally access this network as much as possible. For example, occasionally take time out with your wife thanks to others being able to looking after the kids. It would give both you and your wife moments/outings to look forward to. Important to have things to look forward to when the present is so filled with challenge. Just one idea.

I believe the Mars bar motto 'Work, rest and play' to be the mantra for life. 8 hours of each, every day, is what creates balance. If only it were that simple, hey?!

Again Leigh.A, never overlook the relationship you have with yourself, for whilst everything around you changes in life, this relationship is what goes toward determining the life you live. Work only as much as you need to, rest in order to recharge and play where you can so you can maintain the child in you. I have personally found that this kid inside of us can get pretty sad and frustrated when neglected.

Take care

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 20:07:36 GMT

Thanks Croix. Yes makes a lot of sense. Appreciate your sentiments

Trying to help my brother

Burdy — Sun, 30 Dec 2018 23:48:08 GMT

Hi Leigh and a warm welcome to the forums.

Croix and the therising have made some excellent points and suggestions, it is about you and if you don't look after you, you will be no good to anyone else.

I am really sorry to hear about all you are dealing with at the moment. Cancer is a horrid disease and I can imagine this last year has been emotionally taxing for all your family. As said it is really important for you all to take time out for yourselves as well as each other.

ICE - I can not even begin to find the words to express the emotion that boils in me when I hear this word. A close family friend is in and out of jail and hospital due to ICE induced psychosis and the strange things he does. It is an evil drug that does not discriminate (from high socioeconomic background, had good job, loving and supportive family thinking they could use just once or twice at a party). I never thought this or any drug would have any kind of impact on my life, we are good people who work hard and do the right thing, dont associate with the wrong crowd etc. I was so very wrong. And the damage it does in its wake is just heartbreaking.

I am sorry I can not offer much advice but can offer a listening ear. I hope you can manage to get your brother into rehab as suggested, jail just does not help people afflicted by drugs.

Please keep writing here as much or as little as you like.

Burdy

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 02:44:14 GMT

Thanks Burdy. It means a lot to me that ppl take the time to read and respond to my post. I’m going back in tomorrow to try and visit him or at least give him a letter. will also contact legal aid. I spoke to him this morning for only 2.5 mins

i can hear it in his voice he is coming down. He’s very very scared

Trying to help my brother

Croix — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 11:44:59 GMT

Dear Leigh~

I'm glad you were able to have even a brief conversation, in the remand centers there is little of the outside world and contact from family can make an awful lot of difference.

We all here are saying the same thing to you in different ways, you need to look after and pace yourself. We don't say it as an easy thing to advise, but simply because too many people think they are an infinite resource, a bottomless well of support. We all have limits, and often don't realize what the are.

With rehab, if you brother is lucky enough to be offered the chance it will only work if he really wants it to. Going though the motions to satisfy a magistrate is not enough. Does he have a partner or other person he really cares about to provide motivation? Often one does not care about oneself sufficiently. Perhaps being scared is a start.

Good luck with Legal Aid, they would be very used to the situation.

Croix

Trying to help my brother

Leigh_A — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 12:38:58 GMT

Hey Croix, he did have a partner, she’s been half his problem tho. He’s on assault charges from her and affray. Yeh I really hope this situation scares him, as nasty as that sounds, he needs something to jolt him into line. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel for him. He def needs to want to help himself first, totalling agree with that i love him, but been looking after him for over 30 years, hes 40 y/o and needs to take some responsibility for his actions