topic Looking for help to support my 24yo son in Supporting family and friends

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

93smum — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 02:16:27 GMT

My 24 yo son, who lives interstate, has anxiety and depression. I believe he has started the process of seeking help, but he has a history of lying to me so I don't really know what to believe. He has experienced anxiety and depression before and has seen a psychologist. His dad and I separated when he was 11 and his dad died unexpectedly 5 years ago - he is an only child and isn't close to any other family, so it's just the two of us. My son recently visited for Christmas and although he spent a lot of time in his room on-line, I did manage to get him out and about a bit, and he said it helped, but he refuses to consider moving here for a few months so I can help him get back on track. He is unemployed and shows no interest in looking for work. I think he was studying last year, but who knows? He self-medicates with screens and food and is very overweight. I am considering moving to the city he lives in to try and support him. Last year, I was sending him money to help him out, but I am seriously considering withdrawing financial support as I don't think it's helping. I'd be really interested in your advice - do you think that moving to be closer to him will help? I struggle to cope with the lying and it really poisons our relationship. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear to protect himself from what he fears will be my disapproval and to "protect" me. I love him to death and don't know what to do.

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

white knight — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 07:27:35 GMT

Hi 93's mum, welcome

This is a tough one. With that age group there are unknowns and that could mean involvement with things like inter-relationship issues, drugs, work issues, study issues or even not attending education but telling you he is. All these are possible and many more others I cant think of. Sadly this can be the case because he lies to you.

IMO, and I could be wrong, love to here from others thoughts, I don't think you should uplift your whole life to be near him. He could easily get angry and move away especially if he has a life that he doesn't want you to know about.

I would very subtlety try to convince him to see a doctor. This should be your one goal. When he is there to tell him/her of his struggles open and honestly. Also, mention lifeline and the number below on this page.

One thing I would do is stop financial assistance based on those unknown lifestyle things. I don't like blackmail but in very small doses to achieve something- eg you cease financial help and he rings you for money. You say you are getting low on money now but if he gets a receipt from his doctor or for medication you will reimburse it through his bank account i.e. you are willing to continue to help but on important issues like that. Just an idea.

The problem is you don't know what the problem is. It could be one of so many- depression, bored at mums place so hibernates, isn't getting stimulus from study and so on.

Sorry I'm not much help

Tony WK

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

93smum — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 09:20:10 GMT

Hi Tony, and thanks so much for your reply and advice. As far as I know, he has taken himself to see a GP before Christmas and has a referral to either a psychologist or a psychiatrist-he wasn't clear on which. He's supposed to have a follow-up appointment with the GP tomorrow. I'm proud of him for doing this and have told him so. I try to speak to him on the phone regularly, but I think he sees my questions as intrusive or nagging, so he's not very open with me. He has no support network where he lives, just a couple of mates he went to school with, who he sees occasionally. This really concerns me, as I think he is very isolated, hence my thought of moving closer to him.

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

white knight — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 13:00:49 GMT

Hi 93

ok, that' makes things clearer. In my position I cant judge things clearly because I don't know him. My guess is that he would want you to live nearby say a suburb or two away even the same suburb. Of course for that to work he would need his space, more that he can drop in when he likes rather than mum dropping in when you like. Goes without saying really.

He likely is seeing his doctors so I think suggesting you live there wont hurt.

I'm not fully confident of my advice on this on this occasion.

Tony WK

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

93smum — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 20:34:34 GMT

Thanks Tony. I really appreciate your input, as this is a pretty challenging situation for me, and I'm quite confused, so your perspective is very helpful. Thanks again. 🙂

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

Quercus — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 02:09:30 GMT

Hi 93smum and welcome to the forums.

I think both thay Tony is onto something regarding financial support and that moving closer is a good plan.

After school I lived in the city for uni. My family in a country town. They supported me financially because to them they wanted me to focus on study.

My situation was different from your son but there are parts I feel might help you.

In hindsight I wish my parents had cut me off. My ex was taking my money anyway. Giving him money lets him bury himself out of the real world because he has no responsibility to care for himself. If he had no money he would go downhill and his problems would be visible. Not just to you but to the doctors, to himself, to friends. My parents giving me money let me hide the problem from everyone.

And I wish they had come to check on me.

I went home for holidays. And lied through my teeth. I am fine. Everything is fine.

The warning signs are there for you to see...

Isolating himself
Weight gain
Lying
Refusing to seek medical help
Escaping from reality online

Trust your gut. If you think there is something wrong there most likely is.

I wish my parents had spoken up. They didn't. When I finally left all the stories came out. They practically threw a party that I had come home. And I hated them for it.

For leaving me alone when I desperately needed help.

For not wanting to interfere because I was an adult now.

For letting me make my own mistakes.

Yes these are all valid things but they have no idea even now how close I was to choosing to end my life.

And when they celebrated I felt like they didn't care if I had died.

I do not say this to frighten you or upset you... Just to say trust your gut. He is always going to be your baby.

There is nothing wrong with telling him you are worried for his safety.

If my parents had asked me do you think about suicide? I would have answered yes. I was desperate for help. But too ashamed to ask for it.

Have you asked your son?

My mum told me that they were scared of pushing me away. Isolating me further.

I was angry. So you were aware? And did nothing? What happened to parents being the ones you can always rely on for the tough love?

He may get angry at you. But he will know you're not going anywhere. And no way in hell are you letting him hurt himself. To me that is showing the ultimate love for him.

Please make time to care for yourself too. Do you have a counsellor you can talk to? Any supports offline?

❤ Nat

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

93smum — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 03:30:39 GMT

Thanks Nat - your answer brought me to tears. It was so powerful to hear from someone who has been "on the other side" - thank you for sharing that with me. And thank you for your advice, which I think has just confirmed my instincts. I hope you are well now, and wish you all the best things in life. ❤️

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

Quercus — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 04:27:32 GMT

You're most welcome 93smum.

I feel for you. The position you're in is a hard one.

The balance of acknowledging him as an independent man and caring because he will always be your son.

I think that's where being nearby works. And cutting him off. To me that says you are a man and you're responsible for yourself but also I am here for you and I care and I'm not going anywhere.

He has to do this for himself, true. But he doesn't have to do it alone.

You are such a good Mum. He is very lucky.

I am serious though about making sure you have help too.

If you know his friends rope them in to helping. And if you don't have support yourself please find a group or counsellor who can support you.

It is very important as a carer of someone with a mental illness that you look after your own needs too.

I would love to know how it goes for you. Please feel free to write whenever you need to.

❤ Nat

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

93smum — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 10:40:09 GMT

Thank you so much Nat. I will.

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

Dr_Kim — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 00:22:05 GMT

Your quote goes here

Looking for help to support my 24yo son

Dr_Kim — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 00:22:09 GMT

Hi 93smum,

You sound like a lovely, concerned mum who is trying hard . It is really hard when we see our kids going in directions that we don’t like or can’t understand and we feel helpless and sometimes disappointed - in them and maybe in ourselves.

It sounds like your son has some self advocacy. He has done some things to attempt to help himself like go to his GP and get a referral.

I totally get that we need to step towards family members who we believe are not well and unable to care for themselves or make safe decisions.

However , with adult family members the triggers for when to step in and how far to step in are really tricky. There is a case for also allowing people to be who they are ( as long as they are not in danger of course ) even if WE don’t like it . I know this is one of the hardest things to do .

But I am going to just put it out there that maybe we , as the seniors, as the guides , as the role models .. might help our struggling young ones with a lot of acceptance alongside the offers for help .

So 93smum, maybe the hardest but bravest position you could consider is to think the following about your son - if you are ok with who you are , then I am too ! But if you ever want to be different, then I will help you in whatever way I can .

Maybe it might be useful for you to also get support to work out if you want to adopt this tack as it is really hard to do but maybe it could be great for BOTH of you . I’m not sure .. but if I asked your son about this , what do you think he would say ?

In conclusion I think you are doing the most important things - loving him , caring , not abandoning him . The rest is just a matter of an approach that works for you .

Good luck !