topic How do I help? in Supporting family and friends

How do I help?

Minxi — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 10:16:52 GMT

Hey everyone. I haven't been here before, hope I'm doing it right.

I was wondering if anyone can help work out the difference between being rejected by someone with depression, and when it's just an excuse to ditch someone you don't want? I know this is horribly selfish if he really does have depression, but my own insecurities nag at me and I think I'm just not good enough for him even though he says it's the other way around. Are people suffering depression still able to date and send gorgeous texts and make you think they want something real? What signs should I be looking for here and what can I do to help him if he is genuinely depressed? This person is important to me and I have known him a long time. I haven't heard from him since he broke down saying he's a failure. I don't know what to think.

How do I help?

Bethie — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 10:40:28 GMT

Yes people with depression can still date and lead normal lives. I've fought it for years and have a succesful relationship and bringing up my 14 year old son.

It's up to the individual if they seek help from a GP or other professional. Some choose to be medicated and others find natural ways because we are all individuals.

Maybe offer to go with him to a GP. Let him know your here for him in whatever capacity he chooses.

How do I help?

Minxi — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 11:14:27 GMT

Thanks. I guess my question is more along the lines of... if he is truly struggling with depression (which I think he is... he is seeing therapists and explained to me what the reasons why), wouldn't he know from the start that he couldn't have or didn't want a relationship? Why lead someone on then hurt them? I'm confused. And a little hurt. He says he's not good enough for me or anyone, but I'm left feeling like it's me who's not good enough for him.

How do I help?

Croix — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 13:29:30 GMT

Dear Minxi~

I guess what I can do is tell you what it has been like for me what my depression had held sway. Then you can make your mind up if this person is in fact genuine, which he could well be.

The first thing is there is no timetable, it just comes. There has to be a reason I suppose but it may not be obvious, though sometimes it can be linked to events in life. When I was right down I was completely separated from the whole world - including myself. Yes I know it sounds silly or weird.

I was exhausted, I felt isolated from everything like I was on the other side of a thick glass. There was nothing to look forward to and all was hopeless. I could not understand if I loved someone or even if I could love. I thought I was a failure and everyone would be better off without me. Needless to say I'm 100% better now.

I've trotted all that out, which is rather heavy, to give you an idea of what this person may be going through at the moment. When under control one can do as Bethie says and lead a pretty normal life.

It's good news he is under treatment, which is essential. I too would suggest if this person will allow it go with him to his doctor, see what you can do to help and see what happens. In many cases just being there can make a huge difference. He knows there is someone there for him. You don't have to make big suggestions or come up with solutions.

If you do decide to help him it may not always be easy, so if you have anyone to support you that would be great. Is there anyone, parent, family or other who you can talk with? Another person's views and care can make a big difference.

It would be good if you let us know how you get on.

Croix

How do I help?

Minxi — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 14:04:54 GMT

Thanks Croix...

would you do that to someone though? Lead them on, allow them to fall for you then play the depression card when they ask for something real? Surely if he was wanting to gauge where he was at and what he was capable of he could have picked someone more random. Not someone who is so close to him. I don't get why he would hurt me like this. Is that the depression? Unable to think of other people's feelings? I would help him for sure but I haven't heard from him.

How do I help?

geoff — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 18:21:58 GMT

hello Minxi, I don't think he's out to hurt you because 'the honeymoon period' can still happen with depressed people and we have seen this happen quite regularly, but as time passes the true feelings start to appear.
He is seeing a therapist and that could be hidden from you in the 'honeymoon' period because he loves you and wants you.
Imagine yourself going out with a famous celebrity, at first would you tell them you had depression, probably not, because you wouldn't want to frighten them away, but loving the thought of being with them.
People suffering from depression make contact and then need time by themselves, that's this illness causing this, so it's not about not loving you, and I agree, ask him if he wants you to go with him to the therapist, at first he may say no, but give him time and he may agree to it.
Again it's not that he doesn't love you, depression has taken hold of him and I feel so sorry for him as well as you. Geoff.

How do I help?

Croix — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 23:15:12 GMT

Dear Minxi~

Well there are people that lead others on, that's true. From the information you have written here I don't think we are in a position to judge. Based on what you said it is perfectly possible for someone to enter a relationship with high expectations and then have depression hit in the manner I described.

When that happens the parson themselves does not know what is happening and may well send out mixed messages. So there is at least a possibility your friend is genuine and not leading you on.

It can be very hard to know what to do

Croix

How do I help?

Minxi — Thu, 28 Dec 2017 23:16:34 GMT

Thanks Geoff that's really helpful. Guess it stings because he saw how upset I was and walked out the door and I haven't heard from him since. From what you've said though, perhaps he is upset with himself? There were issues around sexual performance (not sure I can post this but it's what triggered his mindset last time I saw him). He was angry at himself for what he saw as another failure and was upset even more because I took it personally and thought it was because he must find me unattractive even though I know in reality that I'm on the right side of ugly. After that things went downhill and resulted in him saying he can't give me what I want, he's a failure, not good enough, can't support me financially etc. I don't get it. I don't need or want financial support and he knows that. Is it the need for him to feel like a man?

How do I help?

geoff — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 17:55:21 GMT

hi Minxi, yes a man needs to feel as he can perform his sexual activities with his partner to satisfaction for the two of you and when this doesn't happen he feels disappointed and this will only add on to his depression.

Try not to keep thinking about being unattractive, but if you do then there are two problems that need support with.

If his depression is controlling him then he won't be able to even feel like being intimate. Geoff.

How do I help?

Minxi — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 22:05:22 GMT

So if he wasn't using me for sex, what did he want? Sorry I know it's selfish but I feel like if he knew he wasn't capable of anything real because of his depression, he shouldn't have let me believe he was. Next time he wants to guage what he is capable of, I hope he picks someone random. It also hurts that he hasn't contacted me at all since then. Feels like I've lost him as a friend as well. 20 years... gone. Should I reach out to him? If so what do I say? I don't want him feeling bad about what happened because that won't help him. At the same time I'm not the desperate type... to contact someone who clearly told me he can't give me what I want because he's a failure etc.

How do I help?

geoff — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 22:44:56 GMT

hi Minxi, 20 years is a long time but depression is so destructive, but I think he was doing it to make you feel wanted, unfortunately it didn't happen only making the situation much worse and the reason he hasn't contacted you is because he feels ashamed of himself for not providing what would have been a successful time, but that would have only been a happy few moments because his depression would still be there.

I have no doubt he will contact you, but you can send him an SMS saying you would always be there for him or that you love him, then it's up to him, so you have to decide what you want to do. Geoff.

How do I help?

Minxi — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 23:22:33 GMT

Is depression a permanent thing? We went through this last year and it hurt just as much. He said back then that he needed more time to sort himself out. We are now 18 months down the track and the exact same thing has happened. He says he is seeing therapists but things are actually worse for him now than last year, mainly due to custody/ financial issues that have arisen in the meantime. I'm sorry Geoff but I can't bring myself to text him. I feel like an idiot for giving him a second chance only to be used and rejected again. He may well feel ashamed but i think it's cowardly for him to do that and not even text to see if I'm alright.

How do I help?

Bethie — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 00:56:38 GMT

You've said he has more going on now with custody/financial stuff. That would be hard on anyone even more so for a person suffering depression.

I get the feeling he wanted to give you what he thought you wanted but did not know how to handle not being able to. Then by you having a breakdown he felt even more less able to handle things.

It might be a idea to see a GP yourself to get a professional opinion

How do I help?

Minxi — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 01:07:13 GMT

I didn't have a breakdown Bethie. He did. I tried to reassure him that he is good enough and that I could try to help him with his life issues but he won't let me in. Is convinced he's a failure and no good to anyone. Guess I'll just wait it out and hope he comes back as my friend.

How do I help?

geoff — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 01:23:58 GMT

hi Minxi, depression is with us once we have had it, but that doesn't mean we can't laugh, joke have fun, go out and enjoy ourselves because we can.

I've still got depression but have got on with what I want to do without any trouble for a few years, so I'm having a good, decent life, enjoying what I do, but I could have a relapse and then I recover and I understand if you don't want to text him, then perhaps you may think about keeping him as a friend while you move on. Geoff.

How do I help?

Minxi — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 01:30:07 GMT

Good call Geoff. I have one more question if that's okay? What's the difference (if any) between depression triggered by life events (that's where he is at) and depression that's just there? How come he won't let me help in a practical way?