topic Borderline Personality Disorder in Supporting family and friends

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPDpartner — Sun, 14 May 2017 07:41:35 GMT

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone can give me any insights into their experience with BPD? My partner has this and it's only just come to light. Has anyone had treatment and has it helped? Any partners of BPD that can give me any advice on how to manage this?

Borderline Personality Disorder

MarkJT — Sun, 14 May 2017 08:52:48 GMT

Hey BPDpartner, first off welcome to the forums. It is a really safe and protective place where you will get some good info on helping your partner.

I do not have any experience with BPD but others that have will come along and give you some advice.

In the meantime, check out the carers thread which will have some info for you.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)

Mark

Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Sun, 14 May 2017 10:11:01 GMT

Hi BPDpartner

thanks Mark for highlighting this post.

I'm no expert on this topic however I've formed my views about it due to my experience with my mother whom I believe has the illness. As with some BPD sufferers she is in denial and is now elderly (85) and denial comes at a price i.e. her only children me and my sister have broken all ties about 7 years ago.

In fact many sufferers, if they do seek help wont continue long with it...even blaming the doctor/psych for various problems. This highlights a kind of defiance that is difficult to deal with. Its hard to keep thinking that such people are unwell and not in control with some of their emotions followed by extreme actions and reactions.

I believe extreme BPD is far worse than BPD. Each case is different hence why psychiatric care is great if they will attend in the long term.

Children of BPD parents often develop bipolar, depression and anxiety. My sister and I have all three as did our brother (dec)

There is a book available called "walking on eggshells" you'll find informative. Extracts of it can be found by googling the following

Queen witch hermit waif

It is a fact that BPD people are seen in a very negative light due to their high maintenance and unpredictability...even manipulation, control and destructiveness. I've formed the opinion that there is two types of BPD person, those that have insight to their illness and seek regular care and those that are in denial that sometimes leaves a train wreck throughout their lives with family and friends. Patience is you greatest asset as a carer.

Like all mental illness there can be a positive side...creativity. If they feed their creative side life can be more fulfilling for them and more relaxed fir those around them, they have direction. Boredom however feeds the controversial side. "Troublemaker" is a term often used by some work colleagues. As unfortunate as this is in comparison the relaxed content workers, the BPD opposite, its likely accurate.

But we cant all be calm, content workers either. This is why the BPD patient is often alienated which causes yet more anger and greater reactions....that can lead to family giving up. Its a tough gig to live with. Everytime my sister and I had an arguement with our mother we lost each other and many family members, such was her influence. Emotional blackmail works on young people but not when ones children become older.

I hope I've given you some information to continue on with.

Tony WK

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Sun, 14 May 2017 23:51:17 GMT

Hello,

I have BPD myself and I'm glad Mark and Tony have extended some warm welcomes and helpful information.

As someone with BPD my experience is naturally going to be different to someone who knows someone else with BPD and Tony is spot on about the difficulties of the latter. I know that I can be very difficult.

I have tried schema therapy, DBT and now transferrence focussed therapy. Schema Therapy and DBT are actually the top two therapies nowadays but neither worked for me. So I guess I wanted to point that out because the appropriate therapy is really dependent on the person.

In terms of how to manage it...well, if your partner is seeking help I think that's a good thing. It is likely, as Tony said, to be very difficult though. I lie my way through sessions, cry when appropriate, say things to elicit a particular response, deflect, refuse to talk...and all without realising it. So I get confused about what's real and what's not, then I'll quit all of a sudden. So I think as a partner, it is best to simply encourage and congratulate, as much as your partner wants it, their efforts to go to the psychologist. It can be very triggering if your partner also has attachment issues which often come with BPD because the psychologist becomes an object of attachment. So the sessions are tough.

Anyway, please feel free to ask any questions you do have. I've got 25 years of experience to talk about, and happy to share whatever you'd like to know. That said, it is a very personal experience so I'd still recommend talking to your partner about it in a safe environment.

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPDFriend — Mon, 22 May 2017 04:44:50 GMT

Hi All,

My friend was diagnosed several months ago with BPD. As her closest friend I have witnessed several of her highest and lowest moments. Once quite recently resulting in the end of her relationship. I want to encourage her to acknowledge her disorder and start a plan that will help her manage her disorder so that she is not constantly suffering. She deserves absolute love and happiness, but her mismanaged disorder continuously circles back to her being in moments of utter despair. The thought of losing her breaks my heart, I just want to help her.

What would be the best way to approach her about this? She has sought some help before, but her fear of rejection often prohibits her from pushing forward with any treatment or help. She does listen and value my opinion, which is great. I just don't know if asking her to accept her disorder and learn more about it would help.

I also don't know how to communicate with her when she brings up roadblocks. From what I understand trying to counteract her won't help. I need to help her see that learning more about BPD and beginning a treatment plan will make things easier for her.

Appreciate any guidance.

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Mon, 22 May 2017 05:44:04 GMT

Hey BPDFriend,

BPD is such a varied illness that it is hard to really say what would definitely help as it differs from person to person.

I think generally, it is good to really just help the person suffering to have a safe mental place. Whether it's with you, or helping them find a place in their room or having something quiet to do like running...these are all things I've tried at various times, and it can often be very helpful.

Ultimately, her recovery is her own choice and having friends push for it can be very detrimental. Instead, it is about supporting her on her own self-discovery and giving gentle encouragement. Just like a child, she may be trying to learn boundaries - both her own and others' - and will need encouragement when she does things right, and also learn not to do the wrong thing.

I'm not sure what she's like when she puts up the roadblocks you mention. I know I become very defensive and argumentative, but others become submissive. Without knowing your friend, I can't really give anything more specific but what usually is helpful is to let the person feel like they're being heard. So asking questions, gently, about how the person is feeling and if they'd like you to ask more or just listen...these can go a long way to helping the person feel accepted.

Counteracting might help in certain occasions. Trying to reason things out could help. But they can also be damaging. So as with anything, open communication is really the best way forward - what does she want? Is that something you can provide?

Sorry I realise I haven't given much in the way of really clear advice. It is hard to comment more without knowing your friend or her particular symptoms. Have you had a chat to her before about her BPD symptoms?

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

white knight — Mon, 22 May 2017 09:52:21 GMT

Hi,

There is only one way I found successful with a member of my family with BOD, to help them and thats patience.

One has to wait until they are in a sad self reflective attitude. Even then its risky.

I find defiance and reacting as if being attacked (even when suggesting) is how it is.

BPD , a real tough one to advise on, hence read heaps on the internet.

Tony WK

Borderline Personality Disorder

RileyGermain — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 03:42:28 GMT

Hi James1,

BPD female here feeling completely hopeless. Wanted to know how you manage your disorder. I find myself in the same cycle over and over again. Losing friends, reckless behaviour, failing jobs, failing uni, impulse decisions.. you know how it is I guess. But every time I say 'I need to get my life together' and try and force myself to be normal it doesnt work. I feel like noone will ever love me, and even if they do, I couldnt do that to another person. I wouldnt want them to run like everyone else, and I dont want to hurt them like everyone else. Currently in search of new treatment options after finishing ANOTHER one of my BPD cycles. Have you found anything that works? I honestly just feel like it's my personality and will never change. Is this true?

Any help would be so appreciated.

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:26:07 GMT

Hello RileyGermain,

I'm super sorry to hear about your recent cycle again. They're very exhausting and it's difficult for others to understand so we often just stop trying. Like you say, we don't want them to run away like everyone else when we show our "true colours".

Can I ask what kind of therapy/treatment you've been through?

I tried the two main ones - schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy - and I found them to be useful for understanding my maladaptive core beliefs, but I didn't like the homework and stopped.

With my current psych, I'd say if there's one core belief I have changed, it's that I am not my mother, and I am not my friend, and I am not anybody other than me. I'm still afraid of people leaving and I still don't believe I'm worthy, but at least the "I" in those phrases is an individual, even if I don't know who he is.

I suspect your recovery will look different to mine. We probably have similar, but still different symptoms.

You mentioned a few things - losing friends, reckless behaviour, failing jobs, failing uni, impulse decisions - which I have also experienced. My solution to that was to tackle each individually, separately.

Losing friends - I lost most of them and stopped getting new friends. I have, however, been trying to be a good friend to myself, and to those that have stuck by me.
Reckless behaviour - I ride a motorcycle still and often with more danger than I should. So still yet to get there on this.
Failing jobs - I'm late to work most days, but I did have a chat to my manager to make sure he's comfortable with my work hours. So I'm half way on this one.
Failing uni - I dropped out.
Impulse decisions - I stopped gambling. I still drink, but less.

So as you can see, some things I just let drop, others I kind of kept at a minimal level. My main priority, frankly, has been identity related. I made a list of all my hobbies and we can safely say I'd exceed the character limit if I put it here.

What kinds of things would you like to focus on in your recovery?

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 04:51:10 GMT

Oops! I forgot to answer your last question about feeling like it's just your personality and things won't change.

I think BPD is a blessing in disguise. I saw you mentioned identity issues in your post to Dr Kim.

Just as you don't know who you are, you are also not actually tied down to anything, even if it feels like it.

I'm told that I'm very childish and I used to get annoyed at that. I can see how it's true and I've accepted that. Yes, I am a child.

I don't know my boundaries or the boundaries of other people. I also don't know who I am.

But just like a child, I can also be anything I want. So does it change?

Absolutely. And the best part is that we are finally in charge. Once we recognise that we can make changes to ourselves, we are back in charge of who we will be.

Borderline Personality Disorder

RileyGermain — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 02:27:44 GMT

Hi James,

I have only been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. I have been considering doing DBT but my psychiatrist thinks I might be too high functioning. I do not agree. I feel like I'm 'faking' high functioning. I struggle with my sessions with my psychiatrist because I feel like I am hiding so much, or lying. I dont know why I do this.

The identity thing is a struggle, but you're right, it can be a blessing in disguise. Im currently on another one of my cycles and didn't even know until I sat down to reply to you. I feel like I have been dissociated for weeks.

Thank you so much for your help

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 01:19:47 GMT

Hello Riley,

It's good to hear that you're seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. What kinds of things are you working on?

It sucks that you're pretty dissociated right now. I get really horribly bored when I'm dissociated. I really don't like it, and usually it takes something really small that I just notice and it clicks with me. Like I saw a peanut once and it just looked funny. Or my pets do something silly.

How are you going today?

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 10:19:47 GMT

hello Riley and fellow BPD members

just popping in to say hello and to know that we care. its really great that your opening up.

im newly diagnosed with BPD so its still a learning curve for me too 🙂

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 00:54:16 GMT

Hello SN,

Nice to see you here too. I am very sorry I haven't been able to keep up with your thread by the way. If you are interested in reading more stories about BPD, there is another thread in the long-term support by someone called lookingforme. I don't think the person is active anymore, but hopefully just reading her words can give you some comfort that you're not alone.

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

startingnew — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 03:57:50 GMT

hey James thats ok

ill take a look at that thread. im ok with the diagnosis now, im accepting of it and now its a matter of whats the next step

Borderline Personality Disorder

james1 — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 05:33:29 GMT

Hello SN,

That's good to hear you're accepting of it and trying to look forward. I've been in a bit of a slump recently, but each time we do fall in a hole and pick ourselves back up, we learn something new and develop some new skills.

For me, it's learning to stop being a 'protector'. I know we talked about it in your thread - being the adult in the family - and I suppose that's the thing I'm trying to work on right now. It leaves me feeling quite empty at times, but that's the way recovery goes I suppose.

Hope you're doing well today. It's awesome having you on the forums.

James

Borderline Personality Disorder

startingnew — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 10:35:45 GMT

Hi James

i hope things will improve for you too. while i know we cant always have good days, the bad ones are often the ones we learn the most from. even during our most uggliest times something often comes along and we get the relief we have been looking for.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Rebeka — Tue, 12 Sep 2017 14:36:56 GMT

I am having moody swings feeling very depressed then i feel very happy then 3 min later i will change moodys

Borderline Personality Disorder

startingnew — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 05:43:30 GMT

Hello Rebeka

have you got any extra supports in place such as your gp, a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

mood swings with BPD are really very common and are often from one extreme to the next. with help though it is manageable