topic How do I protect the Children in Supporting family and friends

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Sun, 07 May 2017 20:58:24 GMT

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the kids and me, not interested in family outings or taking much interest in the kids school life. He also hates the puppy which we got for the kids last year, and wants me to get rid of it. This is extremely distressing for the children. I am struggling to support my husband ( it's just not nice to be around him sometimes)but protect the kids and give them the happy childhood that they deserve. All this plus work to pay the mortgage, all the cleaning and house duties as well. He can't even mow the lawn, so I have started that too. I see no end in sight and need some guidance. There is not much joy in this existence.

How do I protect the Children

MarkJT — Sun, 07 May 2017 21:41:58 GMT

Amy, first off I want to welcome you to the forums in what is a very protective and caring place.

It is so terribly hard on you this situation so the first thing I want you to do is make sure that your own self care is good. It will obviously be taking a pretty decent toll on you so make sure that your diet is good, cut of lower alcohol intake, make time for yourself to exercise and practice some mindfulness. If you have never heard of mindfulness before, download the, "Smiling Mind" app and use it. It is guided so helps you learn it. You will be no good to the kids if you become completely run down, so please, make some time for you and look after yourself.

In regards to hubby, something is not adding up - is he engaging with his treaters? Is he taking his meds? Had he changed meds? What is his diet like? Does he exercise? Alchohol intake?

Overcoming a mental health condition requires more than just meds, it requires a whole of life approach where numerous different factors come into play. If you improve on all of these factors, you are giving yourself the best chance to overcome it and live a functioning life.

Does he have periods of quietness where you can talk to him without him getting angry? If so, this would be a great time to have a chat and discuss his health. Even though he says he hates the puppy, this could well be one of the keys as dogs have a huge role to play in helping us with mental health conditions. Has he attempted to bond with the puppy at all? Perhaps look up a dog trainer in the area and ask them how people bond with dogs. See if you can get him to do that when he is feeling somewhat okay?

The kids, obviously they need protection - they are your 2nd priority (as said before, you are #1 - if you are not good, makes it hard to look after the kids). I would get an appointment with the GP for you and discuss with the GP what is going on and how to look after the kids the best way.

I would also skip over to the Carers thread in these forums and drop a similar post. I think you will find there will be many other parents in there walking in the same shoes as you and can give you some great advice.

Sorry for all the questions but I think this will be a work in progress and we can chip away at what is going on and see if we can't make your life a bit easier for you.

Again, welcome to the forums, great that you are here and seeking advice.

Mark.

How do I protect the Children

geoff — Sun, 07 May 2017 22:27:08 GMT

hello Amy, and thanks Mark for your great comment, and Amy it must be so diificult to try and help him, look after your kids, run the household and even have to mow the lawns, it's not easy and too demanding on you.
Has he been diagnosed, as it seems he may be suffering from BP, although I'm not qualified to say, but if you were my sister that's what I would be saying.
I worry that he is rejecting any possible help he is offered, unless he has been able to connect with a doctor/therapist, however I have my doubts, because he seems to refusing any help from anybody.
You are caught in between trying to help him and looking after everything including the welfare of your children, it's impossible for you to do all of this, because what is happening to you is that your trying to be strong, but deep down that's not how you feel and eventually you are going to crash, I know you don't want this to happen because of your children, but it's an illness that no one can stop, sure we learn on how to overcome it and eliminate any trigger points, but this isn't happening, so you need to contact your doctor and be referred to a psychologist.
This can happen when your doctor puts you on a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free visits, as money maybe a big issue. Geoff.

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Mon, 08 May 2017 04:52:04 GMT

Thanks Mark and Geoff for your quick replies.

I have been very cautious to take care of me with daily walking and healthy eating and yoga and Pilates 3 days a week. ( managed to lose 10kg even!) I might work on the mindfulness a bit more. I have not considered seeing a GP for my mental health yet, but am worried about my 9 year old.

Hubby has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but not BP. He does engage with his doctors but I can't go to appointment as on my work days. It seems like it is mostly changing meds and dosages not much in talking/ counselling. He won't exercise, diet is terrible ( often won't eat with family at the table) and drinks way too much alcohol. I have talked to the Psychiatrist about this. Won't engage with the dog unless it's to shove her out of the way.

i am a pretty resilient person, and not unfamiliar with depression ( my Dad has suffered most of his adult life, and my Grandmother also). But recognise that I am not bullet proof either, so happy to seek medical help if required.

i will check out the carer forum posts too.

Cheers

How do I protect the Children

Dr_Kim — Mon, 08 May 2017 07:46:14 GMT

Hi Amy400,

I hope I have something that is going to be valuable for you . Its a 5 minute video of a highly respected researcher talking about the role of boundaries and empathy. I think you're going to love it (see bottom of this post).

Why?

Because it will give you the structure behind why it is so critical for you to put some boundaries around “what is ok and what is not ok" for you. It frames this not as you being bossy or selfish or mean but precisely the opposite. Because without clear boundaries we cannot be truly empathic. We are too caught up in the anger or distress that is induced by the other person to be really genuinely onboard emotionally for them. So it is way better to know your boundaries , apply them gracefully and then be really compassionate from within them .

It seems to me that you need to sure up your boundaries with your husband in order to continue to be compassionate to him and continue to see him through his depression if that is your choice.

You and your children have a right to not be subjected to the continuing relentless displays of his illness and it is critical that his behaviours be contained. Yes he has a terrible condition but no, he does not have the entitlement to demand that his family be “destroyed” in the process of trying to support him . Maybe telling him clearly that you love him and desperately hope he can find the strength to work hard for better mental health, but you also love and respect yourself and you need to put some things in place to attend to your own health ( and joy !) - both physical and mental.

I would strongly suggest a couples counsellor or even a family therapist if your kids are up to it so that he can understand what boundaries are required around the expression of his depression within the family home.

How do I protect the Children

ro63 — Mon, 08 May 2017 09:51:32 GMT

Hi Amy , I am sorry to hear you have a lot to deal with at the moment ,I can only echo what ,Mark Geoff and Dr Kim have said in that he does need some help ,but so do you and it sounds like you are being the rock that is holding the family together which is fantastic for you and the kids,but like any rock it can be washed away over time so make sure you look after yourself first ,as the aircraft breifing tells us put your mask on first .with that being said it sounds like your hubbt needs some proffesional help and it can be hard to convince someone they need help if they are denying it .I have been there so I can imagine what he is going through ,if he wont get professional help maybe suggest or get a friend or family member to suggest to him these forums as he can remain anonomus and get some worry of his chest ,I hope this helps and I wish you all the very best ,but also don't forget we are here for you too .You have to look after yourself first .Catch you soon Amy Best wishes .Ross

How do I protect the Children

Winterfell — Mon, 08 May 2017 22:38:02 GMT

Big hugs to you Amy this is a hard time you are having. My kids were 7 and 9 when my husband was first hospitalised with his depression last year. Its been a rocky road, this forum was helpful for me in the early days when I was exhausted and struggling. Lots of good advice like seeing the depression as something to fight together, not trying to fix things but looking after myself first and foremost, accept that there are things I can control but others that I cant, support my husband without pushing him, know when to withdraw and regroup for my own sanity etc.

I would get out with my kids on the weekend and do things I enjoyed - go to a park or movies, go to the shops, visit friends and family. I have a very close friend who I leaned on heavily for support plus my mum. With my kiddos I watched a you tube story reading from a book called the colour thief - about a Dad with depression told from his sons point of view.We had a big talk about Dads depression and sad-mad from inside out (my husband gets very irritable when he is profoundly depressed)

One thing that makes it hard is if our partners do things that are not conducive to good mental health like drinking or not taking meds. My husband has always tried his hardest to get well so in some regards its been very easy to see the depression as an outsider that we need to tackle as a team. Every now and then he seems to give up when he dips low again and I sometimes give him a bit of a pep talk sprinkled with tough love about how we need to remain hopeful and work together, I cant fight this battle for him but I can be on his team. He needs to keep doing things like mindfulness or going fishing and to try to be less critical and take it easy on himself. Your husband will need to fully engage with all elements of treatment if he wants to recover - meds, talk therapies and healthy living (diet, no booze for now, relaxation)

Does he know how you are feeling? sometimes couples counselling or attending appointments together can be helpful to have open dialogue.

wishing you strength

How do I protect the Children

MarkJT — Mon, 08 May 2017 23:26:55 GMT

Amy, that is awesome what you are doing for yourself. So many people in your situation let themselves go and their physical and mental health plummets so again, great to hear.

Would definitely recommend getting some professional advice for your 9 year old though. Children are already under enough pressure as it is these days, do not need additional stress coming into their environment.

Mark.

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Tue, 09 May 2017 22:11:10 GMT

Hi Winterfall, thanks so much for your great reply. The "sad-mad" is a great description, I will use that.

The frustration I feel is that he is not fully engaging all elements of treatment. Sure he takes his meds and attends all appointments, but he refuses to exercise ( even small walks), often won't eat the healthy meals I cook, and thinks mindfulness is a crock of ..... and completely unwilling ( or unable) to ditch the booze. I don't think his doctors are doing much about these issues as part of his management. And if I mention it I get shot down in flames. And so the cycle continues.

How do I protect the Children

MarkJT — Tue, 09 May 2017 22:15:12 GMT

Amy, are you close enough to any of his mates that you would be able to ask them to speak to him about it?

Mark

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Wed, 10 May 2017 03:18:59 GMT

Hi Mark, as in a lot of cases of depression, he has pushed all friends and family out of his life. He has no one but me.

How do I protect the Children

Winterfell — Wed, 10 May 2017 22:08:50 GMT

Hi Amy

alcohol will interfere with his meds so thats a really tricky one - its like going to the gym then going home and eating a cheesecake, he is undoing his therapy and meds if he drinks to excess. Alcohol can be a big depressant, initially the person might feel a lift but then its downhill. Can you leave a brochure for him or perhaps attend an appointment with him?. My husband would have irritable outbursts after drinking so we learnt the hard way that it was making him go backwards - now he can have an occasional night out or few drinks but he went booze free for a good few months.

I guess thats his decision too - maybe stay away when he is drinking so you arent as affected, mention again to his psychiatrist that its an ongoing issue. If he isnt drinking then try to have some quality time doing something low key like watching a movie or something that he enjoys.

its great to see you posting, sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone xox

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Thu, 11 May 2017 10:41:36 GMT

Thanks Winterfell, it is good to know that I am not the only one going through this.

I do feel pretty alone still sometimes. My sister, brother and I made the gut wrenching decision to put our Mother in a nursing home a week ago. Not once during this week has hubby stopped to see how I was going or how Mum was. I feel incredibly sad that his support is not there due to this stupid disease.

How do I protect the Children

MarkJT — Thu, 11 May 2017 22:35:50 GMT

Amy, even though he has pushed his friends away, I would think there would be some of them that would still help you out.

When it is looked at as a whole, what have you or they got to lose? You hubby is on a self destructive path and action needs to be taken.

Perhaps just sound a couple of them out and get their thoughts?

Mark

How do I protect the Children

Winterfell — Wed, 17 May 2017 22:02:04 GMT

Hope you are doing okay Amy, you have a lot on your plate right now. Your husband wont see the needs and pains of others as well as usual when he is low. My husband was the same. You might need to be really transparent about what you want and need emotionally and to make a judgement call about whether he has that capacity right now or whether he is too low. If i complain my husband often turns it in on himself - he has guilt and feels a bit like a burden when he is down, but I stop him and say, this isn't about you, I just need a hug and someone to tell me its okay. He can do that and I feel better.

Can you manage a few hours or 1/2 day off work to get to an appointment? In the early days with my husband it helped hugely, he is high functioning so I didnt realise actually how badly he was depressed until we saw psychiatrists and psychologists together.

How do I protect the Children

Amy400 — Sun, 28 May 2017 00:06:56 GMT

Hi Winterfell, things have been going ok. He had another ECT treatment on Friday and has not been great since,

last night the delightful combination of too many beers, depression meds and lack of food provided a pretty awful scenario of him telling me to shut up as I tried to prevent him from relieving himself in the corner of the lounge room, then nearly falling down the stairs as he could hardly walk.

Luckily my 9y.o daughter was having a sleepover at a friends house, but my poor 11y.o boy witnessed his dad like this. It's just not fair on them. I think I have hit my theshold, but worried what might transpire if i ask him to move out.

At my wits end right now.

How do I protect the Children

MarkJT — Sun, 28 May 2017 06:42:31 GMT

Amy, that kind of behavior is not acceptable. Like the video above and Dr Kim's words, boundaries need to be set and if you have set them, re-set them.

You deserve so much more and you can only help so much. One of my favorite sayings is, "You can lead the sheep to water, you cannot make them drink it". This basically means, you can love and support someone all you want, but unless they are willing to take clinical and prescribed medicinal (not alcohol) support, it makes it exceptionally difficult to recover.

Even though it is very difficult exercise to recover from mental health conditions, it can be done, without doubt, it can be done but the person subjected to the condition must want to and must engage with recovery. Cutting or preferably removing alcohol is crucial, as is diet and exercise. That is one part, another is engaging with psychs and GPs. They are the experts and have the abilities to point you in the right directions and advise what to do.

I have known people who have admitted that they held back on their psych visits. They said bits and pieces but not everything that is going on and it is no coincidence that they have not recovered as well as others. Again, you have to engage with them, honestly and openly.

I am saying all of this because you need to know what it takes to recover. It is not easy - you have to hit it head on, not 50%, not 70%, not 90% but 100%. Mental health conditions are insidious, nasty, soul destroying and ruthless.

I fear that if you have set boundaries, they are not being respected and if you do set boundaries, they will not be honored. You have to protect your kids and yourself. If you are concerned about domestic violence at all, there are a lot of resources available to you to help guide you through this.

So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

Mark.

How do I protect the Children

Winterfell — Tue, 30 May 2017 00:17:24 GMT

Oh Amy he is being so self destructive by drinking on the treatment. Mark is right, his behaviour is unacceptable. You do need to put yourself and the kids first. If he is unable to cut the alcohol does he have a dependency do you think? He may need more support around this, maybe an admission to hospital but if he is unwilling to stop that is a real risk that he will cross more and more boundaries. I wish you had better news but I think it might be time to put your foot down.